Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

[whatswiththerain]

We are so exhausted with it. We put her to bed and she (dd6) will demand a drink/snack/toy/phone and scream for hours refusing to go to bed until she gets what she wants.
Of course we try not to give in but she won't stop and there gets a point where we can't take any more and give in so when we try and be stronger the next time she just fights for longer.
It's every night and bedtime is just an example, tonight she had spaghetti bolognaise and wanted cheese on top she got that and ate the cheese first and screamed and refused to eat anymore without more cheese.
If we give a consequence she'll scream and scream about it and as much as we know giving in is the problem, it's become so much of a problem that it takes over the whole evening and nighttime until we are so exhausted with her we just have to give in because we have no energy left and need to go to bed.
I know we've done this ourselves but I don't know to change it now it's done.

Oops hit post too soon.
You say she is always screaming, so it seems like your initial response is no to almost everything she asks for. Think about the power of yes. Reserve that no for the big stuff, not the little stuff.

Am I the only person reading this who doesn’t get why the child isn’t allowed more cheese / a snack before bed if they are hungry?! I get there are probably other examples, but these seem weird to me. It would never occur to me to say no to more cheese or a snack.

It isn't her fault

It is the fault of the adults who aren't teaching her to regulate her emotions so that she can cope with them

All children need boundaries to be safe and they all need to learn to be able to express themselves calmly so that they will be heard

Just screaming and demanding their own way will lead to very unhappy, very unpopular children

Just as a matter of interest, do you have children or work with them?

She must be so incredibly stressed and mentally exhausted all the time, living her whole life ready for the next long emotional battle she's going to have to fight.

Imagine how much more relaxed and happy she's going to be when she finally understands where your boundaries are, and she learns that 'no' is just a normal thing that happens to everyone sometimes, we express our disappointment and move on.

To be honest, I don’t think you know anything about child development. You’re just over quoting one source and attacking everyone like you have some personal issues. It is established in psychological community that in order to manipulate, a child needs to develop so called theory of mind. In healthy children in happens between ages 4&5. You can tell that it’s happening because thats when children learn to lie. Which is normal & healthy. Also it is established that best style of parenting is authoritative rather than permissive. So a 6 year old needs clear & kind boundaries… not to be ‘at the top of the pile’. Maybe if you started reading on the subject, go ahead and read some more.

I was wondering the same thing.

This is a classic case of you enabling her to behave like this. So stop. Say no mean it. Ignore.

Im curious as to how you would actually approach the OPs issues. It kind of reads that you think the OP should just give her daughter whatever she wants to avoid arguments? Is that correct or am I miss interpreting? Parents obviously cant say yes to everything. Say the child wants to do something dangerous, she is told no, resulting in her screaming for hours on end, how do the parents approach this?

I think the consequence here should have been - ok, well there's no more cheese, so either you can eat the bolognese or supper has finished and I'll take your plate now. Of course you want her to have a proper meal and she'd have screamed and screamed but it sounds as though you need to push through this stage a bit. As many have already said, she's just learning that you'll give in everytime, and it also sounds really stressful for her to feel she needs to scream the house down to get what she needs. Do you need to make some boundaries clearer at an earlier stage, like you can have this much cheese, once it's finished that's it etc. Start having conversations with her about the fact that you'll be sticking to what you say and then do just that. Unless there are specific food issues (it sounds like this is more general) she'll survive on just a bit of grated cheese for an evening and she'll begin to learn she needs to eat what she's given.

Also it is established that best style of parenting is authoritative..
Established by whom? And is this for all kids or just for abled, neurotypical kids?

Yes I agree with this too. I wonder whether it becomes a habit sometimes to say no to things when a child is constantly demanding, then feel you need to stick to what you've said for a bit, and then give in because ultimately it doesn't really matter and it's just the power struggle that's become a dynamic.

Or…say yes if it’s no big deal. Like yes to more cheese, or a snack, or a drink of water by her bed, or 10mins playing a game to unwind before lights out….

Why so say no so often? Does she have to beg, wheedle and finally scream for things that should have been a yes from the start?

parentingscience.com/authoritative-parenting-style/

Totally agree! I would be very surprised if they did have experience with actual kids! I also have two who would have been more than capable of manipulation at 6 (probably younger) but they soon learnt that behaviour would result in consequences. They have grown up to be well rounded and decent people. 20 years of teaching experience has also taught me that kids are very capable of manipulation! Interestingly a large number of the ones who had no boundaries as young children seem to have chaotic lives and MH issues as adults.

The thing is... as a parent you really do need to have some power otherwise parenting doesn't really work.

If anyone else was screaming at me for hours on end, I'd walk out and spend my evening somewhere else. You can't do that when you have a child obviously, so at some point you do need to get them to shut up and stop demanding things they shouldn't really have if you want to maintain a shred of sanity.

What’s wrong with just cheese for dinner one night if the alternative is a smaller bit of just cheese and going to bed hungry? Does the child have any input into what is for dinner? Maybe they hate spag boll or don’t want it that night.

Exactly! It’s a parents job to teach their children right from wrong and that they can’t always get their own way. Otherwise they will struggle massively with life in general.

This. Time out step. Put her on it and do it over and over and over again until she stays there. She will tire before you do.

Maybe you have to move your 6 yr old in with you for the weekend while you try to set boundaries...or make up a bed for her in the living room on a temporary basis?