Dd screams for hours if she doesn't get her own way

[whatswiththerain]

We are so exhausted with it. We put her to bed and she (dd6) will demand a drink/snack/toy/phone and scream for hours refusing to go to bed until she gets what she wants.
Of course we try not to give in but she won't stop and there gets a point where we can't take any more and give in so when we try and be stronger the next time she just fights for longer.
It's every night and bedtime is just an example, tonight she had spaghetti bolognaise and wanted cheese on top she got that and ate the cheese first and screamed and refused to eat anymore without more cheese.
If we give a consequence she'll scream and scream about it and as much as we know giving in is the problem, it's become so much of a problem that it takes over the whole evening and nighttime until we are so exhausted with her we just have to give in because we have no energy left and need to go to bed.
I know we've done this ourselves but I don't know to change it now it's done.

Also, never make food into a battle if you can help it.

I think that she needs to understand that there are feelings and that’s ok but that there are also appropriate feelings.

So, being annoyed because she can’t have more cheese on her spag bol is not a ‘big’ feeling. It’s a frustration and I would name it as that, and say that when we’re frustrated at something it’s not ok to scream about it. That’s not an appropriate way of expressing the feeling.

Allowing kids to feel everything as ‘big feelings’ and telling them they are such and can express them is, sorry, a load of crap.

I also think she is old enough for you to sit down and have a talk with her about how inappropriately she’s behaving and set some ground rules.

• If she screams, the answer will always be no.
• She is not allowed to come downstairs after she has gone to bed. She will have a glass of water with her and a story etc but then she has stay in bed. No exceptions.

Also, why is she allowed a phone? That needs to stop straight away.

Ha ha yeh I don’t need to think about it. I’ve got 4 adult children, none of who have screamed to get their own way .. ever! It’s bratty behaviour that needs nipping in the bud now. Kids can get angry and display emotions without screaming and screaming. It’s not normal behaviour.

Oh send her to me please lol. I live in the middle of nowhere and wont be held to ransom. She can scream and scream and scream all day long here. Her voice will run out long before she gets her own way

I feel like the examples you’ve given are quite easy to change a bit so she feels like she has some control.
The cheese thing, grate some cheese onto a plate(let her grate it herslef) and then she can pop it on herself as she chooses but once it’s gone that’s it, if she doesn’t want to eat the rest of her meal that’s fine, simply clear it away when everyone is finished. Don’t make food a battleground, it isn’t worth it.

At bedtime a small bottle or cup of water by her bed and something plain and boring to eat. Let her choose a small quiet toy or two to keep in bed, i don’t think that should be an issue, she will play with it for a while and then fall asleep. The phone I just wouldn’t let a 6 year old have one at all even without a sim, that is something I would remove.

Take a snack on the school run for if she’s hungry. Maybe make sweets from the shop a treat on the last day of half term or whatever and keep reminding her of that when she asks.

You need clearer boundries from the off, for example - any you need to firm rules that she can see and understand

Draw a triangle and anything about the middle such as something dangerous, running away, hitting etc is above the line - and work your way down the bottom being good behaviour and rewards

Then YOU need to stick to it.

Anything you know will result in a meltdown - like wanting more cheese - you need to be clear front he start - yes you can have some cheese but mommy and daddy need to share what’s left, so please don’t ask for more. Or if you eat nicely we can have ice cream after

Bed time, we are getting into bed, if you lie nicely I will read 3 stores and you can choose. If you get out of bed there are no stories

Or you say here’s a list - fo you need a drink a wee a xxxx and she says no, then say ok we’re are all ready to sleep.

Be clear be consistent and hang firm for a week and you’ll crack iit.

I have you tried positive rewards once she is screaming her brain is not developed enough to listen so first you need to calm her with a cuddle or a distraction when she's calm then talk about the behaviour.

Tomorrow try saying your friend can't come this week because your behaviour was bad but we understand that sometimes it's frustrating when you can't have your own way so her's a reward chart put task in it like eat dinner with no fuss
Go to bed and sleep
Give little rewards for each day such as an extra story or a sweet treat after tea and then tell her if the chart has more green stars then orange circles then her friend can come next weekend.

It's hard really hard but for her she is struggling to manage her emotions and a bit of gentle parenting although it will feel frustrating will help her to understand and
Process this.

If you google positive rewards to stop temper tantrums lots of resources and advice come up.

Oh my gosh some of the responses 🙈 I'd suggest having a look at The Explosive Child. Things became much calmer for us when we learn about gentle parenting - which before anyone jumps on me doesn't mean no boundaries, it means parenting in a respectful way that protects your relationship with your child. All behaviour is communication - can you get to the bottom of what is going on in these situations? E.g. Bedtime is it too early or too late, is it too far from tea ? There's always something going on, even if that thing is that they're having a hard time going back to school, over tired, growing and insanely hungry - favourite phrases I learnt in very difficult times, 'everyone is trying their best', reframing their behaviour away from 'they're being awful ' to 'they're trying their best ' can really change how you think and feel about a situation and how you deal with it. They don't want to be at odds with you

And when it was current it worked for some children but others just became increasingly bitter, alienated and confrontational. Or became pathologically unhappy. Sort of kill or cure.

1. She didn’t want spaghetti, she wanted cheese. It doesn’t matter what YOU want in this situation. You should have just taken her plate away, given her cheese, and sent her to bed.
2. A 6 year old should never have a phone. It’s too addictive and changes their behaviour.
3. she’s screaming because she’s found out the hard way that it’s the only time you listen / pay attention to what she wants. You need to prove to her that you can understand her needs without her needing to scream. Fix that first THEN review discipline strategies

I hope you are not one of my colleagues because you sound very much like someone who has done all the reading and none of the actual work.

The fact you are lacking the self awareness to grasp my comment indicates you are no position to be assessing other peoples 'power complexes.'

You seriously believe that a 6 year old is capable of intentional MANIPULATION? Are you aware of how dumb a 6 year old's brain is?

Have you heard of operant conditioning? A behavior is rewarded, the behaviour is repeated. Pigeons learn it. Rats learn it. A six year old can certainly learn it (and in this case has done).

The DD's distress is that she's not getting her own way. All children want their own way - ice cream for tea, not to go to bed etc. But most are taught that I want doesn't always get. The parents aren't being Hitlers they're being parents, looking after their children's health and wellbeing. Because they know that ice cream for tea every night is not the right thing to do.

There's no objectively great trauma going on here, however great it might feel to the DD. And there's another side to operant conditioning. If the reward for the behaviour is withdrawn that behaviour first intensifies and then extinguishes. The rewards for screaming need to stop and the behaviour will cease, but not after a difficult time for her parents.

What a nasty person you are. Wishing that people could still physically abuse small kids. Nice.

Don't fight over food. Why wouldn’t you give more cheese? It’s a pretty normal child and adult request.

Wow! Do you really think you’d be this antagonistic to others if your issues were really resolved? It would literally take a 5 second google to prove you wrong but I won’t waste my energy.

Oh stop being so over the top.

any child screaming blue murder for hours on end does need to be put in their place.

What is so awful with a 6 yo getting their way now and then?

She wants a drink or snack before bed, give her one. It’s really hard to sleep when thirsty or hungry.

She wants more cheese on her pasta, give her more. Better yet, have it on the table so she can add cheese as and when she wants to.

The fact y

So anyone under the age of 25 isn’t capable of manipulation? Do you have much experience with kids?

I have 2 generally well behaved kids and they were absolutely capable of wanting their own way at 6 yrs old and acting up so they could get it. They just weren’t allowed to behave like that or there were consequences.