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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH secretly reconnected with ex GF

132 replies

snoopywife · 11/09/2024 10:43

Please be kind. Married to DH for 20 years, together for 18, 2DCs,

When we met he had finished university, and recently broken up with his uni girlfriend of more than 4 years. She ended it and he was upset, but when we got together she was out of his life and not in contact. He has never cheated in the past and I think of us as a close couple.

A few months ago, he started reconnecting with his old uni friends on facebook. Now they are talking about meeting up for an overnight in October.

I know this was wrong, but he left his ipad open and I looked at his messages, and he has been messaging her for the last three months. It's just that I have never met these people and I wanted to know more about them, I assumed they were all men, and never his ex! Anyway, they are messaging several times a day, reminiscing catching up on each others lives and saying how they cant wait to meet again. Making plans. She divorced and single and I feel sick, I just don’t know what to do. I want to tell him he needs to stop talking to her, but then he would know about the snooping. But I do need this to stop!

OP posts:
CC222 · 11/09/2024 10:52

This is really difficult, I can absolutely understand your concern here..
I think firstly ask him for specific names of who will be at this reunion, and see if he mentions her name. If he doesn't, then that definitely is a bit suspicious especially if they've been messaging secretly for months. If he's open about it and says she will be there, and is happy to talk about your concerns and reassure you, then maybe it is innocent. But it doesn't look good when he hasn't mentioned he's been speaking to her. Are there definitely others planning on meeting too? Have you seen the messages to his other uni friends about this reunion?
Ask him who's going, if he mentions her name, ask how he knows that and if he's been speaking to her too. If he doesn't come out with the truth about her being there and messaging her, I think you may have to come clean that you seen the messages and question why he has lied to you. It all depends really on how open and honest with you he is when you ask him for more information.
Even if he is honest when asked, if you're not comfortable with him staying overnight knowing she is there, then that needs to be discussed too.
Good luck x

Sayitagainonlylouder · 11/09/2024 11:02

I agree with pp that it's concerning he hasn't mentioned the messaging, as it has been going on for months and is quite frequent. He will already obviously be excited about the reunion with his Uni friends in general and the conversation he is having with his ex sounds as though it will be building up the anticipation of actually seeing her and making that alone into something special.

I also agree with pp about starting a general conversation about the proposed reunion and see what, if anything, he has to say about his ex being there. And there really does need to be a conversation with him about his ex, the messaging, and his feelings.
Also a conversation about maintaining boundaries as a married man in a loving relationship and respect for his partner.

Gonk123 · 11/09/2024 11:08

Awww I can only imagine how you felt to find the message.
agree with above, start a general conversation and take it from there. I hope it goes well though.

MartinCrieffsLemon · 11/09/2024 11:12

Has he given you reason to be so untrusting and suspicious of him talking to someone he dated over 20 years ago before he met, fell in love with, and married you???

Apfelkuchen · 11/09/2024 11:12

I know 3 people whose DHs reconnected with their old girlfriends in similar circumstances and all 3 had affairs with them. It seems that it reignited their sense of being young and in carefree love from all those years ago.

The advice from PPs is good. Trust your instincts when he responds to your questions.

Lulubellamozarella · 11/09/2024 11:16

Yep! Agree with everyone else. You need to start a general friendly conversation about the reunion. Act interested, and then ask who is going and wait for him to hopefully offer up the information that she will be there.

Would there be any other reason for keeping the fact she will be there from you? For example does he think you will kick off? Have you ever been jealous or unreasonable about his ex's before? If so that might be a reason he won't mention her, because he is scared of the drama it might cause. Not that this is an excuse of course, but it might explain things a little.

However if this is not the case and you have never shown any jealousy or kicked off before then its really unreasonable for him to keep it from you that she will be there and I would be wondering why he hasn't told you. I would be wondering what he was trying to hide and why he was not being honest about it.

I hope it goes well and I totally understand you feeling uneasy about this.

DeCaray · 11/09/2024 11:19

Are any of the messages of a flirty or sexual nature?

Not being rude to your husband but has he let himself go and is excited about someone who used to find him attractive taking an interest in him?

It definitely is unfair of him to be having friendly chats with her and you not knowing even if the chats w innocuous. He may well be reading things into it.

He likes her attention, that's for sure.

KaleQueen · 11/09/2024 11:20

MartinCrieffsLemon · 11/09/2024 11:12

Has he given you reason to be so untrusting and suspicious of him talking to someone he dated over 20 years ago before he met, fell in love with, and married you???

🙄🙄🙄🙄 erm. The clue is in the title.

KaleQueen · 11/09/2024 11:23

“I didn’t tell you as knew you’d be upset” = “I didn’t tell you as I knew I was doing something so wrong it would upset you”

ps decent people in good marriages also don’t ’forget to mention’ they’ve been texting an old flame several times a day for months.

DadJoke · 11/09/2024 11:24

If he has been messaging her privately as opposed to a group chat and not told you, that is a problem.

I think you need to fess up to the snooping and get that conversation out of the way, and keep it separate from the conversation about the ex.

MimiSunshine · 11/09/2024 11:25

MartinCrieffsLemon · 11/09/2024 11:12

Has he given you reason to be so untrusting and suspicious of him talking to someone he dated over 20 years ago before he met, fell in love with, and married you???

This is the reason and this the moment he’s given her pause and cause for concern.

maybe he’s messaging his male friends in exactly the same manor but I suspect not.

Janeir0 · 11/09/2024 11:25

The odd private message catching up, yeah. Daily messages for 3 months, no. Snooping, no.

KaleQueen · 11/09/2024 11:26

Snooping to find daily messages for months to an ex - yes.

KaleQueen · 11/09/2024 11:30

i was in love with someone at uni and didn’t get over him for years. Am over him now obvs and happily married. If there was a reunion involved and he started DMing me having recently been divorced, I’d be quite taken aback and I’d be shutting it down immediately and maybe even considering not going - as I’d know what his intentions were however ‘innocent’ it looked on paper. Your DH should be closing this down not encouraging it. His responses to her are rightfully a cause for concern.

bifurCAT · 11/09/2024 11:36

I'm torn on this one.

I had a group of friends (mixed) at uni (around five people), and I had a relationship with one. I keep in infrequent touch with all of them, including the ex. If the topic of meeting up came up, I wouldn't hesitate, even with the ex, because it's soooo long ago. They've since married and had kids. There wouldn't even be the slightest thought of rekindling anything, even with daily chats.

If you saw the messages and they were casual, no hint at any flame to be rekindled, I'd let it go.

2024Autumn · 11/09/2024 11:37

I would just ask him who's going and see if he mentions her, if he doesn't then go from there, I would have felt the same as you too reading that.

TooYoungToJoinGransnet · 11/09/2024 11:37

I'm probably what MN calls a 'cool' wife. My best friend is male and DH has equal male and female friends. This is different and would certainly give me cause for concern. The fact he hasn't mentioned her and is messaging he several times a day and arranging an overnight meeting isn't normal. I can't imagine he'd be happy if the roles were reversed.

Original poster
snoopywife · 11/09/2024 11:44

Thank you everyone, your replies have helped a lot, I have been sitting here thinking of a way to stop him going but all this makes sense and I will try to talk to him, just to a casual way and see what he says. I don't really have a significant ex, I don't know how I would be the other way around.

OP posts:
Original poster
snoopywife · 11/09/2024 11:45

TooYoungToJoinGransnet · 11/09/2024 11:37

I'm probably what MN calls a 'cool' wife. My best friend is male and DH has equal male and female friends. This is different and would certainly give me cause for concern. The fact he hasn't mentioned her and is messaging he several times a day and arranging an overnight meeting isn't normal. I can't imagine he'd be happy if the roles were reversed.

Thank you, I have been focussing on the messaging itself, but if he is actually hiding it then that feels so much worse. But either way I don;t want him seeing her or contacting her again.

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 11/09/2024 11:48

But I do need this to stop!

If he's having an affair or contemplating one, there's not much you can do to stop him being unfaithful.

Even if he doesn't go on the trip or promises not to cheat on you, you won't be able to stop him if he changes his mind (which is likely if he was already planning an affair).

The only part you can control is how you react to it and where you go from here.

Obviously, it would be better if he didn't have an affair, but if you think that's what's happening, it might be worth asking yourself if it would be easier to (1) tell him you've caught him out then struggle to trust him to be more truthful in future or (2) let him go on the trip and show you what he genuinely thinks of your marriage when he thinks he won't get found out.

If he is cheating, then he has effectively already thrown away your marriage, and if he hasn't done anything wrong, then going on the trip won't do any harm. I would probably not say anything, let him go on the trip and see what happens, as either way, the damage is either already done or isn't going to be done.

If you say something now and he was going to cheat but promises not to, I think there's a danger you could end up prolonging an inevitable affair (with the ex or someone else in future) and end up wasting further years in a shaky marriage where the trust has gone, whereas if you let things play out, at least you'll know where you really stand with him.

IamnotSethRogan · 11/09/2024 11:50

Is he messaging her privately or part of this wider uni chat ?

There's nothing necessarily wrong if they've sent the odd message to eachother. But I would absolutely not be bothered about an ex in a uni chat. I'm in a wider chat that some ex boyfriends are in. I wouldn't refuse to be in a group chat because of this. It would seem a bit pathetic after 20 years.

Diarygirlqueen · 11/09/2024 11:59

It's the secrecy that would bother me and messaging up to several times a day. It's verging on an EA. I would def say to him and reiterate how much he would lose if it continues. I would also be devastated if my OH did this, I'm so sorry, I hope he understands where you're coming from and puts your feelings first. All the best OP x

DeCaray · 11/09/2024 12:02

Has he been trying to improve his appearance the last couple of months? Lose weight, get in shape, new clothes, wants to smell good etc?

Candaceowens · 11/09/2024 12:09

I agree with others that you need to ask him and ask if he mentions her.

What lead to to snoop originally, has his behaviour changed at all?

ButterCrackers · 11/09/2024 12:11

Can you be there at the meet up? Just assume that you are invited. If he says no that you’ve not invited say that you are inviting yourself and will be there.