DH secretly reconnected with ex GF

[snoopywife]

Please be kind. Married to DH for 20 years, together for 18, 2DCs,

When we met he had finished university, and recently broken up with his uni girlfriend of more than 4 years. She ended it and he was upset, but when we got together she was out of his life and not in contact. He has never cheated in the past and I think of us as a close couple.

A few months ago, he started reconnecting with his old uni friends on facebook. Now they are talking about meeting up for an overnight in October.

I know this was wrong, but he left his ipad open and I looked at his messages, and he has been messaging her for the last three months. It's just that I have never met these people and I wanted to know more about them, I assumed they were all men, and never his ex! Anyway, they are messaging several times a day, reminiscing catching up on each others lives and saying how they cant wait to meet again. Making plans. She divorced and single and I feel sick, I just don’t know what to do. I want to tell him he needs to stop talking to her, but then he would know about the snooping. But I do need this to stop!

I get really annoyed when I see posters labelling people as ‘deeply insecure’ because they dare to be concerned about behaviour that’s worrying them. Oh to be perfectly secure and completely 100 percent certain that your partner is an angel in human form….wouldn’t that be grand.

People become concerned and “insecure”, when something happens out of the ordinary or when a person behaves out of character.

When something is not following our normal pattern, alarm bells go off. Op’s husband is behaving differently to usual. This could be either innocent or not in nature, but the fact it is different justifies op’s desire to investigate.

Only a fool would ignore warning bells.

Delusional. He messages his old flame for months without telling the OP. Makes arrangements to meet up with her too. And you think he didn’t tell her because he didn’t want to freak her out ? He didn’t tell her because this woman is now divorced, footloose and fancy free, and he’s either hoping or actually planning for something to happen.

It was a long time ago. He’s messaging multiple old friends about meeting up and he hasn’t said anything inappropriate. The fact that one of them is someone he dated two decades ago is genuinely not something I think is a big deal and I wouldn’t consider that ‘doing it in secret’.

I’ve never been called naive in my life, and no, I wouldn’t have a problem with it.

Where is the evidence in any of OP’s posts that she’s insecure ? She said she’s never suspected anything before. Messaging high school buddies is one thing, but deliberately not mentioning months of texting an old flame is a big red flag. But hey. Let’s stretch to OP being ‘controlling’ instead of looking at the facts actually in evidence.

I think the combination of an old flame and a night away from home is pretty much a marriage killer. I'd find a way to call him out on it.

Nah, just naw!!

Would this be a good time to mention a recent thread in which a man had looked at his wife's phone and found something that he considered a betrayal which upset him, and about half of the responses were 'he looked at your phone? Unforgiveable! LTB!'

lol! That is true.

i guess it just goes to show we all bring our prejudices and former experience to bear when making judgements.

but then I think when on mumsnet everyone chips in with their own biased opinion, the truth is probably in between all of it.

sometimes sneaking a peak at a partners phone is justified ( they’re acting shifty) , but sometimes it’s because the suspicious one is paranoid insecure and controlling.

I agree. I read somewhere that men will usually try to reconnect with an ex to cheat as a first option because the familiarity is already there.

An overnight to me seems concerning and also the fact he's concealed this info from you. Yes you shouldn't read messages but I think if you're suspicious then it goes out the window and you have every right.

YANBU

However, you going on this trip is going to be cringe. It won’t stop them wanting to reconnect if that’s how they feel.

I would tell him what you know. If he doesn’t admit he’s been foolish, I would end things. I can’t be in a relationship with someone that I don’t trust.

Not really, don’t you guys do things alone with friends? Surely meeting old uni pals no-one would bring partners.

But I do agree it’s likely to end in an affair, but of course your DH might not see it that way so you run chance of coming across very jealous

Where has he got the time to message her daily, for months? I don't contact my best mates this often.

But mainly it's the secrecy. It's borderline dishonesty.

How did tonight go?

I agree it is concerning, but I wouldn't assume the worst. I have reconnected with a previous boyfriend (from late teens/ very early twenties). I have now been married 39 years. I haven't kept it secret but my DH doesn't use social media himself and is probably not really aware of it. It is lovely to be back in touch, to reminisce and to catch up with our lives but emotionally it means nothing. I love my DH dearly and always will and that's that. The ex is now a friend and that's all.

@Dogdaysareoverihope Sorry, I missed your questions. We were both married, and we both left our marriages (there was no getting 'caught'). We are still together (and married to each other now). I know I will never cheat again, and I believe he will never either, but hey nothing is ever certain. It was completely genuine. We had never stopped loving each other.

if they are all meeting up there surely wouldn’t be the need for individual messaging, it would be a group chat?!

The main point to me is do you trust your husband? These people were from a time before you. He is entitled to have a reunion and yes, she might be an old flame, but you obviously don't trust him at all. If this is the case, there are bigger things in your marriage to deal with than this. He may be your husband but he is entitled to have a life and do things without your involvement from time to time.

Unbelievable, I just read a post regarding a man reading his wife chat, and everyone attacking him for reading it, why no one mentioned that to this OP.

This sounds really innocent to me. I am still friends with all my exes. We even went on holiday with someone my husband had slept with as she was still part of their friendship group but I really didn't care.

I'd have an issue with overnight though.

And it’s out in the open, there is communication and openness which is very different !

Maybe he didn't think it was an issue, I don't tell dh every time I speak to exes

For those being judgy about "snooping", i think they're forgetting in a marriage you sound have no secrets. I imagine your suspicions were raised by a change in behaviour, and i think you have every right to investigate what is going on here.

I think I would start a general conversation about the reunion and ask who is going. If he doesn't mention her, I would then outright ask if she was going. If he lies then you know where you are with him and your relationship. If he says yeah she's going I might ask why he didn't mention her to begin with given that they have history, and say it makes you feel uncomfortable etc....
You could say something light-hearted that let's him know you're suspicious/on to him. This might wake him up to the reality of what effects any kind of affair would have on your lives and make him think twice about it. If he's intent on an affair though, I doubt there's much you could do to stop it that wouldn't damage your relationship anyway. Going along to the reunion yourself might only delay it.

Agree @bongers49 . And often people decided to snoop because their instincts are warning them something is up.

That's quite different from constantly monitoring someones phone

Please keep us updated. I know how you are feeling, that icky feeling. I agree with what most are saying, ask who is going and see if he mentions her.