DH secretly reconnected with ex GF

[snoopywife]

Please be kind. Married to DH for 20 years, together for 18, 2DCs,

When we met he had finished university, and recently broken up with his uni girlfriend of more than 4 years. She ended it and he was upset, but when we got together she was out of his life and not in contact. He has never cheated in the past and I think of us as a close couple.

A few months ago, he started reconnecting with his old uni friends on facebook. Now they are talking about meeting up for an overnight in October.

I know this was wrong, but he left his ipad open and I looked at his messages, and he has been messaging her for the last three months. It's just that I have never met these people and I wanted to know more about them, I assumed they were all men, and never his ex! Anyway, they are messaging several times a day, reminiscing catching up on each others lives and saying how they cant wait to meet again. Making plans. She divorced and single and I feel sick, I just don’t know what to do. I want to tell him he needs to stop talking to her, but then he would know about the snooping. But I do need this to stop!

This.

If he omits to tell you about her, he is hiding something.

If he is open, I wouldn't be especially concerned, but I would observe.

The facts - Your DH has been messaging an ex multiple times a day, has not told you. Making plans with a woman he hasn’t seen in ages, has not told you.

What you don’t know if it’s harmless or not. Given the fact DH hasn’t told you I’d be concerned. Tbh, if my DH was chatting to a woman for months and multiple times a day and didn’t even tell me about it - I’d assume there’s a reason it was hidden. = an affair in October when they meet.

I would think the fact that it’s been going on in secret for months is reason enough. Three choices. Number one, reconnect with her and be upfront with the OP that he’s in contact again, and recognise that he may have to end it, if OP is unhappy about it. Number two, shut it down immediately on finding out this woman is now divorced and available because you recognise there’s a risk.
And number three. Reconnect, chat every day and make plans without saying word to your wife. The fact that he chose number three speaks volumes about his intentions.

I think for me as well even if DH stopped chatting to her because I found out I’d not be able to trust him again like I did before, even though nothing physical has happened, I would always wonder if it would of in October

Do you know his iPad password or did you manage to have a look before it locked itself? If you know it, I would be tempted to keep quiet about what you have seen. If you tell him he could change passwords, gaslight you, become more sneaky and continue whatever this is with no way of you knowing anything.

I'd ask some casual questions about the meet up, who is going to be there etc then just wait and watch, before and after the event.

Maybe he will mention her when you ask and you can probe a bit more but if he is at a point where he has decided its worth the risk and wants to throw away your marriage then I am not sure you'd be able to stop him (or if you even should bother trying to).

This type of issue always raises problems around trust and boundaries, it’s the secretive nature of such things that raises alarms, messaging an ex after twenty years may or may not be an issue, people get curious, asking him outright can be difficult, having been in a very similar situation all that happened was denial on DPs part that any contact was made, though admittedly didn’t mention that I’d seen the messages, couched it as why is this person who has no obvious connection to me but seems to, in this case, have been at college with you, appeared as someone I might know on Facebook, the denial just makes things worse as it then feels more of a betrayal, personally never resolved it and now have a relationship that, while still ongoing, makes me wonder what DP is doing everytime they on the phone, you really need to bring it into the open for your own peace of mind or you’ll. never trust him again

Agree. For me the seed of doubt he planted would be enough to change how I felt about him. I would always question whether the fact he didn’t tell me at the start was because he was either hoping or planning for something to happen.

I would ask who is going to the meet up and see what he says.

An ex of mine reached out to me through a mutual acquaintance so she relayed the message to me. The first person I talked to this about was Dh, he is my best mate and favourite person in the whole world. We thought it over for several days before I emailed ex, Dh knew what I had written and then the ex wrote back and I read out what he wrote.

The positives are both he and I were able to get closure on several things from our time together. We have shared some photos from that time as there are very few of us together from over 30 years ago. Dh knows what I write and what ex writes. We have talked about the past, our relationship and how we can look back with adult eyes on a teenage romance. We have since all met up because we were in that part of the country but firstly, Dh was with me and secondly Dh and I talked about the whole thing, the contact, the meeting up etc. He just wanted to put a face to the name really so was happy to suggest it.

Dh trusts me completely but doesn't trust anyone else, after all I am amazing to him so why wouldn't anyone else see that? At no stage have I hidden the communication between us. That is the biggest thing. It would be the secrecy that would hurt the most especially considering this is moving on from texting to meeting in real life and he has hidden that from you.

Dh sounds at the 'dodgy age', married 20 years, older teen dc, probably wants an ego boost from someone who remembers his younger self. She doesn't know about his daily habits and dirty socks under the bed.
I'd be on red alert with this one.

know 3 people whose DHs reconnected with their old girlfriends in similar circumstances and all 3 had affairs with them. It seems that it reignited their sense of being young and in carefree love from all those years ago

oh no, sorry to hear that 😓

Have you been on MN before?!!
Exactly the scenario many here find themselves in!
Don't be complacent!

He came home at lunchtime and I couldn’t stop myself, I said I didn’t want him to go away, it’s too much, I’m not comfortable and why isn’t it partners as well.

he looked surprised and said that not everyone is in a couple (bloody her) and they want to catch up, but we’re going to talk later.

Don't let on you've seen the messages. Do ask who is going...don't let him deflect, broken record it on repeat.

When he comes home later ask who’s going. If ex isnt mentioned then he’s a twat.

if he mentions ex, ask him if it’ll be weird to catch up as he hasn’t spoken to her in years. See what he says

I would just be straight. Tell him you have seen the messages and you want an explanation. Checking messages might be a bit underhand but it’s nowhere near as underhand as secretly messaging your ex girlfriend daily for 3 months!

Men contact ex girlfriends for a reason. They have already shagged them and so they know they have a good chance of shagging them again if they turn on the charm!

I’ve been the ex - gf in this scenario.

am occasionally in touch with uni bf, who is married. Once or twice a year we meet up for drinks as we live very close.

I can say hand on heart, I’m not interested in a relationship- or even a flirtation. I regard him as a friend and so much time has passed since we date (25 years!) it seems like ancient history.

i can honestly say that he isn’t interested in rekindling anything either.

we met up before, during and after my divorce.

however, his wife is fully aware. We’ve spent play dates with them as a couple -and gone for pub lunch

so it might be innocent, but the secrecy is not a great sign that he isn’t even straying into nostalgia/ emotional affair territory

Has he been messaging several old friends in this manner, or just her?

What did the messages between them say? Did he mention you and his family? Only you know how strong your marriage is, whether he has been acting strange/distant/bored recently and what the tone of the messages is.

I agree that him hiding the fact they've been messaging isn't a great sign. They haven't seen each other for 20 years so presumably if he'd been open you would have talked about it and trusted him. I would find it weird someone would want to reconnect with an ex that broke their heart but perhaps after so long it is water under the bridge

@snoopywife honestly having been there (not exactly but re messages being hidden) this the exact time you need to play it very very cool and stay classy. That was the best advice I was given. I went off at the deep end initially too and all that happened was I got called crazy that it was all in my head etc. don’t tell him you’ve seen any messages AT ALL. They are your insurance policy for if he starts to deny stuff. Don’t tell him. Play it cool.
you need to be one step ahead here and consider the possible realities or scenarios that could play out - the worst being he digs his heels in, says he’s going anyway, tells you you have trust issues (not him having boundary issues…) and he goes and you’re totally powerless, gaslit, left doubting yourself and feeling worse than you do now.
you need to open up a convo about who is going and her and how much contact he’s had with her? And see what he says. Don’t let on about the messages. He’ll just start deleting them or using a different platform.
stay cool.

Are the messages flirty or crossing a line?

Putting my head above the parapet. I reconnected with my old boyfriend in similar circumstances, and we had an affair. It definitely happens. It wasn't about reigniting any sense of being young or carefree though, it was because he genuinely was the love of my life, and vice versa. We had just been too young when we met and both regretted it bitterly when we split (which had been an amicable split). The affair started after a good 3-4 months of daily messaging.

I'm not excusing it as there is no excuse but just saying that obviously it does happen but for a variety of reasons, and yes, in your situation, knowing what I know, I would be concerned and I think you need to raise it with him. At the end of the day you snooped which is wrong, but he's not exactly been open and honest so he's in the wrong too.

I believe this situation is quite normal: connecting with your old school friends, bumping into your ex in the chat room, connect with her and update on each others lives and what you’re “up to”, I’ve been there done that and seen in with plenty of school buddies. This said… the excitement and “updating on each others lives part” shouldn’t take more than a couple weeks. 3 months messaging each other is a bit too long of an “update”, it means they have “unfinished business” (at least on your husbands part as he’s the one who got dumped), maybe they’re both seeking some closure now they’re grown up and can talk about it (nothing wrong with that). I would not panic by any means, I or interrogate him “police style” but would casually ask about it every now and then. See how this progresses and keep a watchful eye on it. If he’s happy and you guys have a solid relationship I wouldn’t bother too much about it. Let him enjoy his school reunion. Like some poster above said: stay cool and play one step ahead him.

Yes,, a couple but male and I know them. I just feel like I need to stop it, I think I’m going to ask him if she is going, then if he’s honest tell him I’m not comfortable.