Page 5 | DH secretly reconnected with ex GF

NamechangeRugby · 15/09/2024 08:44

If you stop him going to the reunion or insist on going with him, you will never know if you can trust him with this person. It will prolong the agony of not knowing his true intentions for that night. He will feel trapped and monitored and curtailed by his marriage, rather than secure with mutual independence and trust. His friends will know you don't trust him in this scenario. It will make more of the situation, perhaps for no earthly reason. You say you have a good and long happy marriage. In my opinion you need to trust it. Remember she dumped him. She thought he wasn't good enough 20 years ago. OK, some first loves separated for mutual reasons, they never forget and are like magnets. But those that were dumped 20 years ago are also quite likely to hold a little bit of a grudge (a bruised ego - it is only human nature) , rather than being the pathetic sole who still holds a candle. More a nice to see you, with an underlying - see what you missed? Too late, too sad, too bad. Also, you need him to see her again to realise he is totally over her, that they are in fact strangers after 20 years, otherwise he continues to carry the younger girlfriend version in his head, forbidden by his middle aged wife - hard to compete with that notion over the next few decades.

Chat about the reunion with him. Tease him a little about old flames. Let him see he is loved and that you trust him. Your marriage will be stronger for it. And if he breaks the trust, then your marriage wasn't that strong anyway and at least you know where you stand.

HalloweenGrinch · 15/09/2024 08:44

I don't really understand this.

You can't stop him having an affair if that is going to happen. If you try (by making clear your lack of trust, or trying to muscle in on his reunion) he will resent you for your lack of trust. By snooping on his messages you have already shown you don't trust, and he would be entitled to be angry. I can't see from your posts where he has done anything wrong so far.

You can only control your own response to events. He is entitled to his own thoughts nd actions as an autonomous human. You are entitled to respond in whatever way you want. For people saying 'there should be no secrets in a marriage', that is bananas and a recipe for burnout. Everyone needs privacy and control over their own thoughts and interactions.

Any attempt by you to control him will backfire. Let him go, reminisce and realise just what a good thing he has with you. And if he comes back and your spidey sense is wrong, welll you can deal with what actually happened not what might happen. Don't set the expectation that he will not be able to control himself. You will push him away and it will become self-fulfilling.

NamechangeRugby · 15/09/2024 08:46

@HalloweenGrinch I agree.

Gonk123 · 15/09/2024 09:19

Makingchocolatecake · 15/09/2024 07:43

Maybe he didn't think it was an issue, I don't tell dh every time I speak to exes

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It’s different if he is aware of the friendship in the first place. Your situation is very different to the OP and therefore irrelevant! Surely you can’t be that naive to not realise that!

BreezyEagle · 15/09/2024 11:32

I would want to be there at the reunion.
If he says no then organise it as a surprise and go as a surprise so get his uni friends in on the surprise and organise something special for the following day for just the two of you like a spa date or whatever your both into.

HemingwaysDog · 15/09/2024 12:12

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KaleQueen · 15/09/2024 16:02

@snoopywife have you had your conversation with him yet as this might totally change the advice you’re being given now

northernbeee · 15/09/2024 17:06

snoopywife · 11/09/2024 18:14

It’s both, from what I saw he is messaging a few people, including her. She was the only woman tho. I’ve had a bit of time to think and I may just tell him i want to be there as well, it feels normal when you are going away to bring your wife surely? X

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I wouldn't want to go on a reunion with my husband for his old uni friends - its got nothing to do with me. But I would be asking him who is going and if he doesn't mention this woman then I think you have to tell him you've seen the messages and you don't think its appropriate/acceptable.

Rosscameasdoody · 15/09/2024 17:09

BreezyEagle · 15/09/2024 11:32

I would want to be there at the reunion.
If he says no then organise it as a surprise and go as a surprise so get his uni friends in on the surprise and organise something special for the following day for just the two of you like a spa date or whatever your both into.

Perfect recipe for disaster !!

Derwent01 · 15/09/2024 21:38

snoopywife · 11/09/2024 10:43

Please be kind. Married to DH for 20 years, together for 18, 2DCs,

When we met he had finished university, and recently broken up with his uni girlfriend of more than 4 years. She ended it and he was upset, but when we got together she was out of his life and not in contact. He has never cheated in the past and I think of us as a close couple.

A few months ago, he started reconnecting with his old uni friends on facebook. Now they are talking about meeting up for an overnight in October.

I know this was wrong, but he left his ipad open and I looked at his messages, and he has been messaging her for the last three months. It's just that I have never met these people and I wanted to know more about them, I assumed they were all men, and never his ex! Anyway, they are messaging several times a day, reminiscing catching up on each others lives and saying how they cant wait to meet again. Making plans. She divorced and single and I feel sick, I just don’t know what to do. I want to tell him he needs to stop talking to her, but then he would know about the snooping. But I do need this to stop!

then you either trust him or you dont ? otherwise its debatable that some on mumsnet who are more knowledgeable than me would consider this controlling behaviour if there are no other red flags ?

Makingchocolatecake · 15/09/2024 21:54

Gonk123 · 15/09/2024 09:19

It’s different if he is aware of the friendship in the first place. Your situation is very different to the OP and therefore irrelevant! Surely you can’t be that naive to not realise that!

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It's not that different. People can talk to their exes without it being anything more than that. Exes are exes for a reason.

Original poster

snoopywife · 15/09/2024 22:51

Thank you for (most!) of the responses. I did chat to him and he didn’t tell me she was going at first, so I asked him to confirm it’s going to be all men snd then he told me. Other women are going as well some are the partners of his friends, but apparently I shouldn’t come as I don’t kno anyone and it will be awkward. I don’t trust him, I’ve told im
not comfortable and he says he still wants to go, he’s promising to phone and FaceTime. I asked him why he didn’t tell me about her and he said he didn’t want me to get worried or upset and I don’t need to insist on coming apparently! The conversation isn’t over, as far as he’s concerned he’s going and im
not and I don’t need to worry, but I am.

OP posts:

CC222 · 15/09/2024 22:55

That's really concerning... he's definitely hiding something and putting barriers up that shouldn't be there in an open honest relationship... have you confronted him on their months worth of daily messages? The fact he wasn't upfront and honest when you gave him an opportunity to be, is a huge red flag! He has very sly intentions by the looks of it... I do hope you can resolve this. It doesn't seem like a good position to be in at all x

Gonk123 · 15/09/2024 23:04

What would make him think your reaction would be to be worried about the fact she is going to be there?

kittyycatt · 15/09/2024 23:20

If other people are taking their partners, why would it be weird for you to go? He should want to take you!!

I recently went 4 hours away with DH to meet his friends. I knew nobody but it was great fun!

DadJoke · 15/09/2024 23:31

“Honestly, it won’t be awkward for me - I’d love to meet them.”

If he pushes back on that you’ll know for sure.

Taluulaah · 15/09/2024 23:42

Hmm yeah that is a bit concerning. He didn’t tell you about her immediately when you asked, he also said specifically that no one else is taking their partners.
Then it turns out there are people taking their other halves, but he didn’t tell you about any of these things because he apparently knew you’d worry and knew you’d want to join him at the event…
Firstly, if he is so concerned about you worrying, why isn’t he doing everything he can to help you get past that, being open, honest, reassuring - maybe even inviting you along.
And secondly, why so secretive? Why can’t you go too? Why wasn’t he upfront about the ex going?

It’s the secrecy that seems to be the biggest red flag here imo. I think if he is deciding to still go anyway, without you, despite your worries, then you have some serious thinking to do about whether this is something you’re willing to accept. He’s your husband and therefore your wishes and worries should be a factor in his decision making, and if that isn’t the case, he’s being a bit of a selfish twat.

Sorry OP, I hope you can find a resolution to this. 💗

SweetSakura · 15/09/2024 23:54

snoopywife · 15/09/2024 22:51

Thank you for (most!) of the responses. I did chat to him and he didn’t tell me she was going at first, so I asked him to confirm it’s going to be all men snd then he told me. Other women are going as well some are the partners of his friends, but apparently I shouldn’t come as I don’t kno anyone and it will be awkward. I don’t trust him, I’ve told im
not comfortable and he says he still wants to go, he’s promising to phone and FaceTime. I asked him why he didn’t tell me about her and he said he didn’t want me to get worried or upset and I don’t need to insist on coming apparently! The conversation isn’t over, as far as he’s concerned he’s going and im
not and I don’t need to worry, but I am.

I think it's quite reasonable to say that you won't find it awkward and will enjoy meeting them. If he still doesnt want you to go then for me this would be a deal breaker.

fruitpastille · 16/09/2024 00:07

Are the other partners also old uni friends? If everyone knows each other from university it's fair enough to say it might be awkward. Has he done all the messaging in a group chat or 1-1 with his ex? This would make a big difference to me. However he's deliberately misled you - he's probably convinced himself it's for the right reasons but I would not be happy.

Diarygirlqueen · 16/09/2024 00:09

Didn't want to hear this update, so sorry OP. Maybe keep an eye on the messages but if he's going to cheat, there is very little you can do. I really hope nothing happens between them. All the best x

Whereisthelove2 · 16/09/2024 00:20

There is no reason for it to be awkward if you are there, especially when other partners are going too. I believe your husband (if he goes alone) has every intention of cheating. And the daily messages are concerning too. She may be divorced and free to do whatever but your husband is not - he should show you and his family some respect.

redalex261 · 16/09/2024 00:29

Hi OP, you haven’t said much about the content of messages between them, do you feel it’s flirtatious or yearning in any way or just like the messages between your DH and other friends - catching up on life events etc.?

Also, some partners are going, some aren’t - why is this? can you ask if her partner/husband is going (acting dumb about her single status) and see what he says?

I am not remotely jealous but I would be concerned about this encounter leading to actions that couldn’t be undone. I do understand one or both may be experiencing that nostalgic excitement that comes with thinking of youthful love lost and what might have been. But she has nothing to lose if things move from thought to reality, he does. It could be they could meet up in the group and he’d think “phew, narrow escape” but who knows.

It would be better if he chose to either not go or asked you to come along instead of you having to insist on one of these options. You know him best, so can judge what you feel is right to allow you to feel comfortable - but you are definitely not unreasonable to be angry and upset in this situation.

Duckingella · 16/09/2024 00:40

It's quite simple;he doesn't want you to go even though you could because he wants to spend the evening being his lonely single exes plus one.

He can pretend he's in his early twenties again,flirt,get his ego stroked and if he's really lucky get something else stroked too.

Rest assure if he goes alone all his friends and their partners will quickly cotton on to the fact he's behaving like a loser having a mid life crisis and think he's pathetic.

The ex will probably just use him as a chaperone for the evening so she's not alone and likely won't be planning on letting him her hotel room door.

After the meet up she'd probably ghost him.

It doesn't make it his behaviour okay though.

KaleQueen · 16/09/2024 08:33

i didn’t tell you as I didn’t want you to be upset = I didn’t tell you as I knew I was doing something that would upset you.

if I was you now I wouldn’t push this. You’ve got your answer. Just let him go and fuck up his life. You can’t stop him fucking up his life. Shut yourself down. Go silent on him. Give him the space he needs to realise that this is hurting you and he’s not being good doing this. He needs to come to this realisation on his own - the more you push it the more he’ll feel ‘you’re unreasonable’ and his actions are fine.
been there….

Pixiewombat · 16/09/2024 08:43

Yep, I think he's wanting enough rope to hang himself.

If other partners are there and you know them (or of them), people are right in saying he didn't tell you as he's both excluding you and knows you'll be uncomfortable.

As pp says if he's going to play away, there's not a lot you can do as he'll find a way and it's best to know he's not trustworthy sooner than later. I'd take a watching brief and plan accordingly.