DH secretly reconnected with ex GF

[snoopywife]

Please be kind. Married to DH for 20 years, together for 18, 2DCs,

When we met he had finished university, and recently broken up with his uni girlfriend of more than 4 years. She ended it and he was upset, but when we got together she was out of his life and not in contact. He has never cheated in the past and I think of us as a close couple.

A few months ago, he started reconnecting with his old uni friends on facebook. Now they are talking about meeting up for an overnight in October.

I know this was wrong, but he left his ipad open and I looked at his messages, and he has been messaging her for the last three months. It's just that I have never met these people and I wanted to know more about them, I assumed they were all men, and never his ex! Anyway, they are messaging several times a day, reminiscing catching up on each others lives and saying how they cant wait to meet again. Making plans. She divorced and single and I feel sick, I just don’t know what to do. I want to tell him he needs to stop talking to her, but then he would know about the snooping. But I do need this to stop!

Please insist on going, then go out and buy an amazing dress for the occasion. Talk excitedly about the event and say how much you're looking forward to meeting his friends. He may decide then not to go, and I think that speaks volumes. Good luck with whatever you decide to do and the outcome.

I agree with this.

I suspect that he has built up a bit of a fantasy in his head ( maybe she has too) built around nostalgia and what ifs.

theres nothing like a cold, hard dose of reality to sort things out. It’s possible that he goes and realises she’s another middle aged mum. In his head she will still be late teens.

one option would be to let reality bite by letting him go.

also very possible she gets the ick when she sees
him. How is he bearing up physically? Does he still look after himself?

Jesus fucking Christ, his response couldn’t have been shadier if he tried. His refusal for you to come, despite other partners coming, is awful.

I do find it odd that other partners (who don't know anyone) are going but if they are then why can't you? You can't make him take you and you can't stop him from cheating, if that's what's the end scenario here - but you can speak with him frankly. Ask him if he has feelings for her.

Really struggle with this one, checking his messages and lack of trust seems to indicate bigger issues? He appears to be rather defensive, but wonder if that is partly because the OP has gone slightly over the top?

I think there is a difference between not mentioning something fairly trivial and activity keeping secrets. Been married 20 years and wouldn't care if partner messaged/caught up with ex and failed to mention it, my initial reaction wouldn't be that they were having an affair.

Over the years I've found and messaged old friends on Facebook, both male and female, caught up and reminisced about the good old days, discussed their lives, familes and what they have been up to, and probably not mentioned to anyone as didn't feel it was that important, as has no bearing on my current life.

I don't think you're overreacting. Unless I've missed something he's not fessed up to the fact he's messaging his ex daily. I think the snooping is entirely justified if he can't give you the respect to be honest with you. No one knows how deep that dishonesty is going to run other than him but as a result I think it's entirely reasonable for you to insist you go too. Particularly if other people are bringing their partners.

He doesn’t want you to go because he plans to spend the night flirting or even more with his ex, it really is that simple. There’s no use making excuses for him so now you need to decide what you want to do with that.
There’s too many men out there who seem unable to fully move on from their first love or even any ex.