DH secretly reconnected with ex GF

[snoopywife]

Please be kind. Married to DH for 20 years, together for 18, 2DCs,

When we met he had finished university, and recently broken up with his uni girlfriend of more than 4 years. She ended it and he was upset, but when we got together she was out of his life and not in contact. He has never cheated in the past and I think of us as a close couple.

A few months ago, he started reconnecting with his old uni friends on facebook. Now they are talking about meeting up for an overnight in October.

I know this was wrong, but he left his ipad open and I looked at his messages, and he has been messaging her for the last three months. It's just that I have never met these people and I wanted to know more about them, I assumed they were all men, and never his ex! Anyway, they are messaging several times a day, reminiscing catching up on each others lives and saying how they cant wait to meet again. Making plans. She divorced and single and I feel sick, I just don’t know what to do. I want to tell him he needs to stop talking to her, but then he would know about the snooping. But I do need this to stop!

I do understand that you're anxious, and you have every right to be (I would be too) but I don't think you can 'stop it' as that does stray into the realms of controlling behavior - I'd make it clear you're not happy but I don't think you can stop it as such if he wants to go.

However his behavior/reaction/actions when you express you would prefer if he didn't go will be very telling of the situation. If it bothered my partner that much I wouldn't do it, within reason. If he defends it and gaslights, you may have a bigger issue here.

I’d be careful because you can’t ban him from going. You could give an ultimatum of course. He obviously wants to see his friends and he might become resentful. It’s a difficult one because on one hand you expect him to respect your wishes to keep you comfortable but on the other you don’t want to come across as controlling and jealous, which only serves to push people further away.

And if someone is going to cheat they’ll do it no matter what you say or do. Keeping someone with you under controlling means is not a decent relationship either. If someone isn’t trustworthy, they’re not worth holding onto or your whole life will be like this until they finally up and leave anyway.

I’d let him go - but I would prefer honesty about the messages.

You may find yourself having to be honest about seeing the messages otherwise you’ll look extremely insecure about him simply going away with his friends for one night, which anyone should be able to do without repercussions.

What happened? Were you both married - or just one of you?

did it end your current relationships? And did you stay together or did things fizzle out?

no judgement. Just wondering whether nostalgia was a factor or it was genuine

Brilliant advice

Either you are being disingenuous, you are ignorant of human nature or you didn't read the original post where the answer to your question is pretty clear.

it's not uncommon for people who thought they were in a loving and honest relationship to discover they are wrong. If you don't realise that you need to hang around on Mumsnet a bit longer for some life lessons.

I hope OP's concerns are unfounded, but I don't think she is unreasonable to be worried.

He's probably kidding himself that it's all innocent and platonic, but the fact he's hiding it from you is not good.

I chatted to an old flame after my divorce. Started innocent enough, and then he clearly started to suggest more.

Now, I don't need the grief so I said no and blocked him, but I bet his wife hadn't got a bloody clue he'd been chatting to me.

I'd ask outright, who's going, and you'd love to meet them and come along.

If he’s messaging multiple people (male, as you say, so not a bunch of women) and reminiscing/looking forward to catching up, and hasn’t actually said anything inappropriate to this woman, I think you’re being a bit unreasonable.

Honestly, I would just tell him that you snooped and that you are worried. See what his reaction is. If he loves you then he will reassure you.

He's messaging multiple people about an event that they are all attending. But you are fixated on one, just because she's female. There's no indication that he's saying anything to her that he isn't saying to the men he is messaging as well. Or that there's anything wrong in your marriage. So I think you're being unfair on him.

I agree too with Givingittogod's advice. You absolutely have to knock this on the head now. Even if nothing untoward happens it isn't good for your marriage. In any way. Even if he offers the information willingly when asked, I still think you have to knock it on the head, although others I'm sure will disagree.

She isn't just a random female, she's his ex. And he's been keeping her and the messaging secret.

Having said that, I'm not sure I'd stop him going. If he wants to cheat he's going to find a way and you are perhaps delaying the inevitable. I would speak to him frankly about how you feel. Tell him to go if he really needs to but you feel deeply uncomfortable about the secrecy. Would he be ok with it if the roles were reversed? I doubt it.

Just because she is female? They were in a relationship together for 4 years, so hardly was platonic!

It sounds to me like he is daydreaming of his younger years here with the one that got away. Dangerous territory really, so the OP has right to be concerned.

I may have missed this but, are they chatting as part of a group chat with all the other attendees? Or just her privately? If the latter, do you know how frequently he has been messaging the others? The same? Less?

Tell him you’re really looking fwd to meeting up with all his old friends.

Of course he’s not going to tell her he’s been texting her (amongst other people) because he knows she’s very insecure and it would really freak her out (this thread is living proof), fact is OP is so insecure she went into his phone just because he had reconnected with his school buddies and “needed to know what was going on “ (who does that?). I can’t believe she’s going to forbid this guy to go to his high school reunion because the GF will be there, I really feel sorry for him, she sounds incredibly controlling, I couldn’t be with such a man who snoops on my phone and forbids me to go to my high school reunion.

It’s both, from what I saw he is messaging a few people, including her. She was the only woman tho. I’ve had a bit of time to think and I may just tell him i want to be there as well, it feels normal when you are going away to bring your wife surely? X

feel like this might be the only solution, can’t imagine being there with her tho, im
just so mad about it all x

She’s his ex. She dumped him. Reconnecting with her and being open and honest about it with OP is one thing, but he’s not. He’s doing it in secret, and now making plans to meet up. In what world is this unfair to him ?

Would you be happy if your partner was messaging an old flame knowing that he was so upset about the break up (which she instigated, not him) ? Would you be happy that it was being done in secret and that they were arranging to meet up. And would you be happy about any of it, knowing that ex is now divorced and fancy free ? If so, then I think you’re being naive.

I think you need to come clean and tell him you’ve seen the messages OP. He’ll use the fact that you snooped to deflect blame onto you, but you need to stay strong and set some boundaries. The fact that he didn’t tell you he was messaging her is a giant red flag and you have to wonder whether he was going hoping or planning for something to happen. This would be a deal breaker for me.

This is not the case were a woman you were dating decades ago reached to him and they decide to meet in secret , this is a bloody high school reunion FFS, it’s normal that if she’s part of a wassap group they will get in touch. It’s normal that once a meeting gets organised they will see each other. I’ve been to a couple of high school reunions and we all decided not to bring our partners because it would be torture for them as they didn’t know anyone. I feel a bit sorry for this guy who feels the need to hide his messaging because he knows it will freak out his very insecure wife. Very Probably if she was not so insecure and controlling he would have told her but he’s clearly afraid of being denied a good time with his school buddies. 🙄

Are you the husband? stop gas lighting the op. op has said nothing that suggests she is insecure or controlling. She doesn't trust her DH because he has given her reason not to. It is not normal to message another woman maltaple times a day in secret. if it was innocent, he wouldn't need to hide it from her.

I do think you're fixating on the wrong issue here. Surely it wouldn't matter if she was naked, and threw herself at your husband, if you trusted him. Maybe it's more about that? If you 'tell' him not to go, that's probably not dealing with the underlying concern.
What if he decided to go away with male pals, and had a same-sex experience with one of them? What if they met women in a bar/paid for sex workers? All of these situations have happened to people I know, so not so far fetched! But, maybe it's more about getting to the bottom of the trust issues - and if there's underlying concerns within your marriage.
I hope it works out for you.

I think I'd feel better about it if I'd been mentioned in the messages. Has he talked about you to her? Told her he is happily married? She told him she was divorced so you must have been a topic of conversation too