About my ex using my house as a base for DS

[MyHouseIsABusStop]

Really didn't know how to title this.

I need some perspective and opinions please as I’m on the verge of going nuclear and don’t know if that’s reasonable. (I have NC for this as details could be outing and don’t want this linked to my previous posts)

My ex and I separated 10 years ago, we have a 14yr old DS that we are supposed to share 50/50, but the reality is more 60/40 or less.

I have lived in village A for the last 10years, ex lives in Town B since we split, and has since moved a further 6km to the opposite side of Town B. I moved outside of Village A a few years ago, closer to Town B and am now about 13km from Town B. Village A and Town B are 20km from each other.

My son attended primary school in Town B, where he was driven to school each day, and is now in his 3rd year of secondary school in Village A.

DS now gets a bus to school in Village A. I am lucky that the bus is walking distance from my house, about 2mins. Having done the longer commute to Town B for 8 years, this is a blessing.

However, my ex has for the last 2 years been dropping DS to my house before the bus whenever he wants to go to work early, and he leaves DS go to my house after the bus in the evenings. And despite me saying numerous times that this is not always convenient numerous times, it looks like it’s going to continue for this year again.

I have a number of issues with this:

1 - I have a BF, who I have not introduced to my DS, and it is not always convenient for DS to be dropped early and out of the blue. If my BF has stayed the night before, I need to have him up out of the house before my DS gets there. I don’t even get proper notice. It was 10pm last night when my DS text me telling me his Dad was dropping him 40mins before the bus (I hate the fact his father makes him text me about this, DS is always apologetic which he absolutely shouldn’t be). I did not see this until 6.30am this morning, at which point I had to get BF up out of bed so he was gone in time. Sad thing about this is that we hadn’t seen each other in over a week as he was away, was really looking forward to a nice lazy coffee in bed, but that couldn’t happen.

2- The evenings DS comes to my house after the bus, I would say 80% of the time even when he is supposed to be with his father, the heating needs to be turned on, I need to ensure there’s food for after school meal etc. I hate begrudging this, but it adds up, especially during the winter and I’ve never received a penny from his father due to the loose 50/50 arrangement.

The Summer was also a disaster, on the days DS father was due to pick him up, he was leaving him at my house all day until the evening. On the days DS was due to return home to me, he was being dropped at 7.30 most mornings, meaning some days, where he should have had him for 24 hours, he was having him for just over 12, not worrying about what he was going to do all day, not providing breakfast or lunch.

I’m just sick of it, just because I live 2 mins from the bus stop, I don’t see why he thinks he can just use me as a base to drop his son off to facilitate his work schedule.

I hate begrudging this, I love my son dearly, I love seeing him, but I hate facilitating his father’s work schedule, and I hate my son being apologetic because of it. I have never asked him to facilitate mine, never dropped my son to his house 45mins before primary school because I had to work and he was closer for 8 years, never left him at his house until late in the evening on my days… I just sorted my work schedule to fit around my parenting responsibilities.

Am I being unreasonable here? I’m at the verge of telling him I’m going to cancel the bus, which would mean his father would need to travel and extra 7km there and back morning and evening. I’ve thought about telling him there is not going to be a key left in the key box for my son to gain access to the house on his days, but at the end of the day it’s my son who will suffer because of this.

What can I reasonably do here?

Heh, if you were married you'd still not be in bed naked drinking coffee with teenage kids around? Now you are just dating you want a minute to minute schedule. That's not how it's works when you're a parent.
I can say I would felt very taken aback of I was a teenager and I had to message before going into my own room.

That's my reading of it too. Appreciate OP's point of view but I do feel sorry for the boy, apologising for coming to his own home

Work has taken over, I will be reading all the replies and respond later this evening, I've not flounced off

Simplify your life and give up your boyfriend. Your kid comes first. Surely you can be without a man for a few years?

or maybe... and its a stretch... the dad could actually stick to what's he's supposed to do?

Of course the ex is inconsiderate to say the least but if he has another family and a different work schedule, I don't see how you can make him change given you don't want to get CMS involved.
I feel though your ex's behaviours, as annoying as they are, isn't the trigger, the stress comes mainly from having BF around when DS comes back / stay longer unexpectedly.
At 14, your DS will have friends who are dating if he himself doesn't have a GF already. OP, I think you can let him know there's a BF without a full introduction. Your DS is not likely to just walk into your room especially if you tell him your BF is there. That way, you don't have to have panic attacks / kick BF out at the crack of dawn and DS can be home anytime without having to apologise.
My own DD knew I had BFs long before she actually met my (now) DH and her "Pa" (she came up with that). That's when she was 12/13 and some of her peers were already dating.

I appreciate that, but with teenagers it's a very usual thing for them to "walk in unexpectedly" - because they get increasingly more autonomy as they get older.

His bus stop is near your house. Him dropping in unexpectedly is likely to continue increasing whether or not your ex is deliberately dropping him early/picking up late.

Arrangements made when children need to be supervised 24/7 don't work until they're 18. They need to be reviewed periodically to ensure they are still suitable for the older child and the parents. The rigid plan put in place 8 years ago won't work as your son gets older - even if your ex was following it.

It's time for a review, but bear in mind, as your ds continues to get older it won't be just what you and your ex decide - ds will make adjustments that suit him, and you will need to be far more flexible.

My dd will call and say, "I'm going out with X friend tomorrow, who lives closer to dad's so I'm going to stay there tonight." or "I'm going to stay at home Weds, and dad's Thurs and Fri this week, if that's ok?"

The arrangement I have with her dad can't be as rigid - because it needs to factor in HER life too.

This thread is bizarre. I thought at first the DS was 4, then I realised he's 14! There should be no schedule at that age - the child should be free to come and go as he pleases between both his homes, not forced to spend half the nights at his Dad's, far away from his school, nor having to warn Mum that he's coming home "unexpectedly".

I get that CM is based on overnights, but the cart is being put in front of the horse here. DS should feel welcome in both his homes at any time, and if that means that he ends up spending more time at Mum's place then the Dad needs to contribute. And of course Mum has the right to a private life, but not at the expense of the son feeling like a guest in his own home, who has to announce his arrival in advance! Rather it should be the other way around - "honey, I have plans this Thursday night and will have a friend staying over / won't be home, would you mind staying at your Dad's that night?"

@Azandme that is exactly how it should be. A 14 year old doesn't need to be dropped and fetched from the school gate and should be able to wait at home for the bus and lock up behind himself in the morning, let himself in of an evening and wait a couple of hours for a parent to get home. It makes sense for him to do it at his Mum's if there is no public transport to his Dads

Most threads on MN recommend keeping your dating well away from your children until you’re sure of the relationship. OP is doing that - it’s not ‘secret’ it’s making sure she doesn’t let her DS get close to someone she may not be with for very long. You say she’s justifiably annoyed with her ex, so why is the rest on her ? The whole problem is because her ex doesn’t want to keep up his end of a 50/50 agreement and insists on dropping his son off early on a regular basis - and we’re not talking an hour or two here, we’re talking whole days.

If ex doesn’t like 50/50 he should contact OP to make other arrangements. But he won’t will he ? Because as OP has already said, he doesn’t want to pay maintenance. I don’t think her DS is picking up on any irritation from OP, who says she’s even willing to give up her relationship if that’s what’s best for her son. What he’s picking up on is that he has a father doing the bare minimum and who wants rid of him at the earliest opportunity. And he’s apologising to OP because his DAD is making him text OP because he’s too much of a lazy, selfish shitbag to do it himself. But yeah - blame the OP.

OP has already said she’s prepared to do this if necessary, so why are you criticising. And would you have the same advice for his dad ? Because OP seems to be taking all the flak here for something her ex is responsible for. At 14 her son is going to have a bit more autonomy from now on and may well turn up unexpectedly at either household. But I suspect more of the time it will be with the OP because his shit dad has made it clear he wants rid of him at the earliest opportunity.

I agree.

DD came here from the school bus today (it's near our house), let herself in, had a snack, and her dad picked her up on his way past 15 mins later.

That 15 minutes makes zero difference to the fact she's staying there tonight. I got a hello, 30 seconds of complaining she has cramps, a discussion about snacks, and a bye because I happen to be wfh today as DP is away. Usually he's wfh - but she has a key if we aren't and she'd let herself in and out. It's our home, she doesn't need an appointment or supervision during daytime hours.

If you read the OP and the updates, he’s apologising because his dad is making him text the OP to say he will be dropped off early. Why should the poor kid have to do this - dad is the adult here and if he’s going to drop his son off early then he should be the one to contact OP to let her know, not palming it off on his son, so that he feels guilty about coming home. So many people putting this on the OP.

And once again, it’s not the OP insisting that he message, it’s his dad, who clearly doesn’t want contact with the OP because he knows she will broach the subject of maintenance in lieu of the 50/50 agreement he’s not sticking to.

OP is not the least bit unreasonable to want a bit of certainty in her life.
I cannot understand why so many have a difficulty with this.
Her Ex is messing her around whilst pretending they are 50/50.
They are not 50/50 behaving as he does.

OP, it is very reasonable to ask for clarity and state your boundary.
Your Ex sticks to what is agreed or the arrangement is changed to reflect reality.

@user1471600850 the part you and others are missing is that the reason we Hy this is an issue is because the son attends school near OP when he previously attend a school halfway.

If it's such an issue OP may e your DD can attend a school in your ex's town, he stays there FT and you pay maintenance. Then all sorted.

Or alternatively, you go pick him up from his dad and you take him to school!

How about they ask the actual child ? Doesn’t he get a say in where he wants to live and go to school ?

He's not your BF really though let's be honest
He's a fuck buddy, he's probably using the same

Because a boyfriend would have a relationship with your whole life and that would mean meeting people who could easily mention to your son that he's in your life.

It sounds like your son understands that this situation isn't great.

I'm sure he doesn't like being made to get up super-early and then be dropped off to wait around for the bus - if he was sleeping at yours he could stay in bed longer - so why not have a proper chat with him, and see if he'd actually prefer to have set times when he sees his dad (times when they're both awake and can actually spend time together - eg at weekends or one evening midweek when his dad will make more effort to be around), in which case maybe the two of you can approach your x-H together with a proposal?
Once it's obvious that you are having him sleep at yours more than 50% of the time, then you can put in a claim for CMS.

What an awful post. Who are you to judge what the OP’s relationship is and is not ? For whatever reason the OP isn’t ready to introduce this man to her son - I don’t remember seeing anything about how long they’ve been together so maybe she’s just being cautious until she’s sure. Are you like this in real life or is this just your online keyboard warrior persona ?

I am in a similar situation to you although I do have my DC more than 50/50 and get CM.

I completely get your frustrations. My Boyfriend (BF) & I wake up earlier than we want to on the 1 day a week we see each other as DC are being dropped off before school.

I understand it’s their house too & I will never make them feel unwelcome but it isn’t quality time as they spend the time getting ready for school then leave. I wouldn’t feel comfortable staying in bed whilst this is happening though.

I completely understand you wanting a relationship but not wanting to involve DS. My DC have met my BF but only a handful of times. His DC haven’t met mine.

I think you need to tell your ex that this isn’t working for you and if he can’t drop DS straight at the bus stop then DS should stay with you overnight. I would stay calm though as I think you are more likely to be able to persuade him than if you get cross etc.

I think a lot of people commenting just can’t put themselves in your shoes. You’ve made it clear you want your DS to stay with you more & that he comes first.

Good luck.

Wouldn't help the fact DS obviously doesn't feel comfortable in his own home or the fact he could still come back unexpectedly

She said she'd been with someone 3 years and never said anything before! And that she would just announce she was marrying him if it came to that, without introduction, after DS was 18...

Which doesn't make it sound like a healthy relationship she sees going anywhere and I can only assume a man in the relationship sees it as a good way to get sex with no expectation of commitment or being "saddled" with a child

OP says her son attended primary school which was closer to his dad. For 8 years. She dealt with that, why can’t he ?

Because he just won't and neither is his new wife with their additional DC are looking to accomodate or be flexible.

The OP knows hes a w**ker thats why she left him.