About my ex using my house as a base for DS

[MyHouseIsABusStop]

Really didn't know how to title this.

I need some perspective and opinions please as I’m on the verge of going nuclear and don’t know if that’s reasonable. (I have NC for this as details could be outing and don’t want this linked to my previous posts)

My ex and I separated 10 years ago, we have a 14yr old DS that we are supposed to share 50/50, but the reality is more 60/40 or less.

I have lived in village A for the last 10years, ex lives in Town B since we split, and has since moved a further 6km to the opposite side of Town B. I moved outside of Village A a few years ago, closer to Town B and am now about 13km from Town B. Village A and Town B are 20km from each other.

My son attended primary school in Town B, where he was driven to school each day, and is now in his 3rd year of secondary school in Village A.

DS now gets a bus to school in Village A. I am lucky that the bus is walking distance from my house, about 2mins. Having done the longer commute to Town B for 8 years, this is a blessing.

However, my ex has for the last 2 years been dropping DS to my house before the bus whenever he wants to go to work early, and he leaves DS go to my house after the bus in the evenings. And despite me saying numerous times that this is not always convenient numerous times, it looks like it’s going to continue for this year again.

I have a number of issues with this:

1 - I have a BF, who I have not introduced to my DS, and it is not always convenient for DS to be dropped early and out of the blue. If my BF has stayed the night before, I need to have him up out of the house before my DS gets there. I don’t even get proper notice. It was 10pm last night when my DS text me telling me his Dad was dropping him 40mins before the bus (I hate the fact his father makes him text me about this, DS is always apologetic which he absolutely shouldn’t be). I did not see this until 6.30am this morning, at which point I had to get BF up out of bed so he was gone in time. Sad thing about this is that we hadn’t seen each other in over a week as he was away, was really looking forward to a nice lazy coffee in bed, but that couldn’t happen.

2- The evenings DS comes to my house after the bus, I would say 80% of the time even when he is supposed to be with his father, the heating needs to be turned on, I need to ensure there’s food for after school meal etc. I hate begrudging this, but it adds up, especially during the winter and I’ve never received a penny from his father due to the loose 50/50 arrangement.

The Summer was also a disaster, on the days DS father was due to pick him up, he was leaving him at my house all day until the evening. On the days DS was due to return home to me, he was being dropped at 7.30 most mornings, meaning some days, where he should have had him for 24 hours, he was having him for just over 12, not worrying about what he was going to do all day, not providing breakfast or lunch.

I’m just sick of it, just because I live 2 mins from the bus stop, I don’t see why he thinks he can just use me as a base to drop his son off to facilitate his work schedule.

I hate begrudging this, I love my son dearly, I love seeing him, but I hate facilitating his father’s work schedule, and I hate my son being apologetic because of it. I have never asked him to facilitate mine, never dropped my son to his house 45mins before primary school because I had to work and he was closer for 8 years, never left him at his house until late in the evening on my days… I just sorted my work schedule to fit around my parenting responsibilities.

Am I being unreasonable here? I’m at the verge of telling him I’m going to cancel the bus, which would mean his father would need to travel and extra 7km there and back morning and evening. I’ve thought about telling him there is not going to be a key left in the key box for my son to gain access to the house on his days, but at the end of the day it’s my son who will suffer because of this.

What can I reasonably do here?

Your kid needs to come first. Ill feeling and resentment between you and your ex are not important and your child should not feel he has to apologise for coming or going from either home. Speak to the ex otherwise suck it up. The child’s needs must always come first

Everything in OP’s life is irrelevant apart from her frustrations with her idiot ex!

Not sure what parenting technique you aspire to but in my world DC are not considered irrelevant.

Not knowing what to suggest is very helpful to OP.

Several other people have criticised your posts too, including myself. You’re projecting - you’re not actually looking at what OP has posted apart from the bits which fit with your own narrative. He isn’t apologising to OP for coming home early off his own bat by the way. Her ex makes him text when that happens. At 14 he’s old enough to know the score and when he gets older and works out who was the better parent, OP won’t be the loser.

So you missed the bit where OP said that if her ex won’t listen to reason she will facilitate DS being with her more. And that she’ll look forward to seeing more of her son ? Why are you continuing to ignore what OP is actually saying, and supporting her ex, who is taking the piss ?

Again just focusing on my posts when others have been just as vocal with similar views to me.

You twist everything.

You make projections into the future, not me!

You make this post all about you.

Again ignoring the DC stuck in the middle of it all.

Try reading the thread. Op has already said she will speak to ex and if that doesn’t work she’ll have DS more. The amount of posters indirectly supporting her ex is frankly concerning.

Nobody is supporting her ex! You are twisting this again to suit your own agenda!

People are advocating for her DS. What don't you like about this fact?

Your ignorance of the DC’s situation is very worrying indeed.

OP isn’t ignoring her DS, she’s doing her best to lessen the impact on him. YOU are the one making this all about you by projecting your own experience. And YOU are the one clearly blaming the OP for the actions of her ex, when she’s clearly trying to do her best for her DS. There’s nothing to twist. It’s right there - laid out in all its misogynistic glory. Man acts like shithead when it comes to his son. Woman is to blame. OK then.

Phew!!

What a relief!

Because secretly that is what @MyHouseIsABusStop was really asking -"What does @Ablondiebutagoody think of this situation?"

Most people aren't stupid.

For many, what stood out in OP's initial post as most important was the discomfort of her son in having to apologise for coming home early, hence why that was addressed.

Realistically, there is little OP can do to control the actions of her exH, who has previously been abusive, so advice around how to minimise effects ot the situation on her son may be helpful.

Look at your own ignorance before you question me. I’m advocating for her DS in context to the situation. And because I’ve actually read and understood what OP is saying - that she is not prepared to let her DS suffer because of the situation between her and her ex. She will talk to ex and if he won’t be reasonable she will have her son at home more - to the point where she’s prepared to sacrifice the relationship with her BF but still this isn’t enough for some posters who are accusing her of putting BF first. Couldn’t be clearer that OP has her sons’ interests at heart vastly more than her ex, but still she gets shit thrown at her by posters who don’t bother to comprehend before they post.

My reply is not to the OP it is to the poster of this quote.

Again, twisting my reply to this poster (not OP) to suit your own agenda.

@Rosscameasdoody name calling me personally now as-well as demonising and twisting all my posts!

OP literally asked for perspectives and opinions 🤣

Could you word the request as sticking to the schedule or changing it. The drop offs and picks ups should be as per the 50/50 agreement. If not, we need to look at the logistics and make different arrangements. Not least so you DS knows where he stands and isn't inconvenienced.

Pretty poor to have 24 hours schedule and only see your ds for 12 hours of them, 8 hours of them he might be sleeping. 50% custody in name only.

I would alter the schedule. You will end up with more time. You can make arrangements and your DH can stick to the new schedule. Pick up from. School at X time. Drop off to (agreed place) at X time, 48 hours later.

Nope. You picked up on my reply to another poster, so don’t come at me for doing the same thing. It’s a public forum.

@Rosscameasdoody
So despite a firm 50/50 agreement, OP should just pick up the slack and plan her life around her ex dropping off their son whenever he feels like it ? That’s not good for OP and it’s not good for DS who already feels as though he has to apologise for coming home early. The only person who benefits is shit dad.

No - the son benefits by not having to apologise for being in his home and the OP benefits by being able to plan her life.

Where have I name called ?

Two issues.

You've got a secret boyfriend which makes it awkward when your son comes home unexpectedly.

You're justfiably annoyed with your loser ex.

You have my sympathy for the ex.

The rest is on you.

Your poor son - apologising because he senses your irritation. All because he can't possibly be told you're dating.

Which she’s doing. All of her most recent posts have concentrated on the fact that she will try to come to some agreement with her ex, if not she will have her son at home more. She’s even commented that she’s prepared to rethink the relationship with her BF to accommodate this. And it’s not OP who’s making him apologise, it’s shit dad. He makes him text OP when he’s being dropped off early and he clearly recognises that this isn’t always convenient for his mum. It’s not ideal that he feels this way, but the blame lies squarely at his dads’ door. His dad is taking the piss whichever way you look at this. If he can’t accommodate 50/50 he should be talking to OP to rearrange but he won’t because he thinks he’ll have to pay maintenance.

This

He's not paying you enough to be covering his contact time food-wise, heat-wise or supervision-wise if you suddenly have to be home when you weren't expecting to have to be. He's also making your social life difficult with his behaviour, and you can point out he 100% wouldn't like it you were to do the same to him.

He essentially is handing you what he perceives to be 'wife work' when you're not his wife. (Not that it would be acceptable anyway, but it does exist in many men's minds.)

I would suggest to him that you're going to petition for EOW and 1 weeknight for him if he can't organise his life to actually cover 50/50 ... he can't cover it and yet he doesn't want to pay maintenance at the same time expecting you to foot his costs. Hard no on that.

OMG OP, so many people here have misunderstood you. I have the same situation (without the boyfriend though) - and I feel the same! I think my ex does it as a control thing actually rather than because he's disorganised, but it's so annoying having kids dropped at your house when you're not expecting them. I don't always have food in, or I may have planned to go out, or I may just want to lie in and not be a parent for a few hours. And I always liked the opportunity not to have to cook and just eat toast instead. It's not that I don't love them, or begrudge them the time, but it's the inconvenience and the fact my ex just expects me to drop everything at such short notice.

And also for me, I had several young children, and once I got used to the idea of sharing custody (which was hard, and tough and I hated it at first), I did like the opportunity to get a rest. He deliberately sabotaged that.

My kids are older now and most just come and go as they please, but he still does the same with our youngest child.

I think my ex does it as a control thing actually rather than because he's disorganised.

This was my experience too, @HelenHywater. Also, when my ex dropped off my DC he would insist on using the toilet. He only lived 5 minutes’ walk away. It was like a dog marking his territory.

OP, I agree with the PP saying you need to review his contact time if at all possible. Ultimately though, your ex will do what he wants, unfortunately

I'm sorry but your son walking in on a strange man in his house, which will happen sooner or later, is far more traumatic than a carefully planned introduction. He's 14 just explain that you have been seeing somebody. They don't need to be best mates he doesn't need to act like a step father to ds, but just from a safety point of view your son needs to know who he is if you're going to have him round.

I think you are being very unreasonable, he's your son and it's his home too he has a right to know if there's somebody else in the house with him. If money is a factor tell your ex you will claim child maintenance. It sounds like your ex can't help his schedule it's not like he's dropping ds off so he can go and play golf he's got work.