About my ex using my house as a base for DS

[MyHouseIsABusStop]

Really didn't know how to title this.

I need some perspective and opinions please as I’m on the verge of going nuclear and don’t know if that’s reasonable. (I have NC for this as details could be outing and don’t want this linked to my previous posts)

My ex and I separated 10 years ago, we have a 14yr old DS that we are supposed to share 50/50, but the reality is more 60/40 or less.

I have lived in village A for the last 10years, ex lives in Town B since we split, and has since moved a further 6km to the opposite side of Town B. I moved outside of Village A a few years ago, closer to Town B and am now about 13km from Town B. Village A and Town B are 20km from each other.

My son attended primary school in Town B, where he was driven to school each day, and is now in his 3rd year of secondary school in Village A.

DS now gets a bus to school in Village A. I am lucky that the bus is walking distance from my house, about 2mins. Having done the longer commute to Town B for 8 years, this is a blessing.

However, my ex has for the last 2 years been dropping DS to my house before the bus whenever he wants to go to work early, and he leaves DS go to my house after the bus in the evenings. And despite me saying numerous times that this is not always convenient numerous times, it looks like it’s going to continue for this year again.

I have a number of issues with this:

1 - I have a BF, who I have not introduced to my DS, and it is not always convenient for DS to be dropped early and out of the blue. If my BF has stayed the night before, I need to have him up out of the house before my DS gets there. I don’t even get proper notice. It was 10pm last night when my DS text me telling me his Dad was dropping him 40mins before the bus (I hate the fact his father makes him text me about this, DS is always apologetic which he absolutely shouldn’t be). I did not see this until 6.30am this morning, at which point I had to get BF up out of bed so he was gone in time. Sad thing about this is that we hadn’t seen each other in over a week as he was away, was really looking forward to a nice lazy coffee in bed, but that couldn’t happen.

2- The evenings DS comes to my house after the bus, I would say 80% of the time even when he is supposed to be with his father, the heating needs to be turned on, I need to ensure there’s food for after school meal etc. I hate begrudging this, but it adds up, especially during the winter and I’ve never received a penny from his father due to the loose 50/50 arrangement.

The Summer was also a disaster, on the days DS father was due to pick him up, he was leaving him at my house all day until the evening. On the days DS was due to return home to me, he was being dropped at 7.30 most mornings, meaning some days, where he should have had him for 24 hours, he was having him for just over 12, not worrying about what he was going to do all day, not providing breakfast or lunch.

I’m just sick of it, just because I live 2 mins from the bus stop, I don’t see why he thinks he can just use me as a base to drop his son off to facilitate his work schedule.

I hate begrudging this, I love my son dearly, I love seeing him, but I hate facilitating his father’s work schedule, and I hate my son being apologetic because of it. I have never asked him to facilitate mine, never dropped my son to his house 45mins before primary school because I had to work and he was closer for 8 years, never left him at his house until late in the evening on my days… I just sorted my work schedule to fit around my parenting responsibilities.

Am I being unreasonable here? I’m at the verge of telling him I’m going to cancel the bus, which would mean his father would need to travel and extra 7km there and back morning and evening. I’ve thought about telling him there is not going to be a key left in the key box for my son to gain access to the house on his days, but at the end of the day it’s my son who will suffer because of this.

What can I reasonably do here?

If you have tried tell ex to stop doing this and he has continued - then you are stuck managing the situation.

So either stop it being an issue kicking your boy friend out of bed early - by telling your DS he exists and he may see him in passing ie leaving - thus making any accidental meeting due to early drop off a none issue.

As PP say most 14 years old expect to come and go from their own homes with some autonomy as it's their home - so making him text or feel uncomfortable because your ex is a dick - isn't really good for him.

State 50/50 clearly isn't working currently and you want a new timetable worked out with your DS and your ex - so you do know where you are because if you don't nothing will change.

If heating the home in winter so he can be there more than 50% of time is an issue - then look at thermals electric blankets and actually consider going to CMS and at least trying to get some money of your ex.

You have no levers of control to make your ex do what you want - even if it clearly unfair to you.

Options you do have like stopping bus or denying DS entry don't seem to be in DS best interests.

Frankly apologetic texting form DS having to be dropped of early isn't great TBH - I wonder if he already feels unwelcome in both homes.

‘If he lived with me full time, I simply wouldn't have relationships. FWB maybe.’

OP already has a plan B or is it a plan C? I lose track.

The simplest solution of giving her DC a key of his own (not one that can be removed from a key box to prove a point to the idiot ex) and autonomy would be my only plan.

I can see why you're annoyed about this but anything you do will probably have no impact on your ex and will just be unpleasant for your son. I'm sure many 14 year olds have to wait around at bus stops or arrive early at the school and that's what your son will have to do if you don't let him in your house.

I think at 14 your son should be able to come and go to his house without asking. I get it's a bit annoying the dad isn't stepping up but I also think you need to adapt to his age.
I think pure 50/50 is rare at this age and will get rarer as he starts to do more independent and with friends. I would let him come and go as he wants and either introduce the bf or stay at his

Actually you sound ignorant and unkind.

I hope you are able to reflect on what you've written, and do better moving forwards

The irony of this after you wrote an incredibly rude post to me - which I see has rightly so been deleted by MN.

Maybe you are the one who needs self reflection moving forwards.

I'm super confused by this. My husband and I live together and are raising our kids together and my 11 year old already comes and goes as she likes. Sometimes she says she's hanging out with friends and then comes home instead - sometimes the opposite. I just don't see how there's a scenario where your son is only able to come into his own home on some other schedule besides 'always'. Leaving aside your awful ex as that is a separate situation, your son has total rights to be in his own house whenever he wants - and as time goes on that's going to be less and less in your control. Even if he does go off to college / uni / etc he will still be back and forth for years - so you're proposing that you put your own life on hold for how long exactly? You could easily have another 10 years or more of your son having a key to 'your' house.

My parents split up when I was a teenager and they both dated plenty - and by 16 so did I - and we all coped. I know there might be specific concerns with this specific relationship, but it's really different keeping a 5 year old compartmentalised into a section of your life and then trying to continue that setup when they're practically adults. Unless you are willing to tell your son he isn't welcome, this is just how it is now as he's older and free to come and go on his own schedule anyway. It's entirely likely that he knows you're dating already - I knew all sorts of things about my parents that I kept to myself!

Your ex won't change and there's no way to convince him to stop being a terrible person 15 years down the line. Any attempts in that direction would just drive you crazy.

I think the simple fact is mothers often care and love the kids far more than the fathers. Now I know posters will kick off about how amazing their DHs are but I can't see any other reason for it. Also that men are far more selfish and put themselves first - which we see on MN every day.

I think I'm veering towards texting ex and telling him he clearly can't manage the school drops, so DS will need to stay with me more during the week if he continues dropping him early and collecting late. I don't know if I'll be able to get a single penny out of him for it, I can almost guarantee I won't, but at least I'll know where me and DS stand on a day to day basis, and I get to see my son more.

I think that's the best approach, OP. This uncertainty and your poor DS feeling like he hast to apologize when he's dropped off unexpectedly is awful.

I would talk to your DS before texting though and see how he reacts to the idea. He might be very relieved to hear that you're happy to have him with you more often, instead of this uncertainty. Plus at 14, his opinion would be taken into consideration if your ex threatens legal action (unlikely).

Could you not tell your DS that you have a BF even if you have zero plans for them to cross paths or integrate? I think there is honesty missing here and that is potentially disrespectful to your DS. I see how this approach suited all those years ago.

How are you goin to navigate your DS having a GF or BF which is likely any day now? Will you continue this situation?

My only concern is that your DS inadvertently misinterprets your compartmentalisation as a rejection of him. He may already know if your friends, family, neighbours know?

Honesty is the best policy.

Your poor son really shouldn't be apologising for being in his own home. He must feel unwanted by both parents.

The point is also that if you have a child with a selfish twat then you’re going to have to co-parent with a selfish twat and there’s nothing you can do to change who they are as a person. It might not feel fair but this isn’t a situation where something is forced on you against your will (apart from in some tragic cases). It’s the natural consequence of procreating with a total loser, whether that person is male or female. I also appreciate that in some cases the other parents uselessness wasn’t completely apparent until later on but in so many cases, it was.

I know you don't want feedback on whether you should or shouldn't be introducing your BF, and I 100% agree that it is often something that is done for the benefit and convenience of the adults to the detriment of the child.

But there is a big difference between a 14 year old and a 4 year old and his reaction may not be what you think. My parents divorced when I was young, and my mum devoted herself to me and I was completely secure that I was her number 1 priority. But by the time I was a teenager I was quite old enough to worry about her, and I certainly did worry a LOT about her being lonely. I actually didn't WANT to feel like I was the centre of her universe, and (rightly or wrongly) resented that feeling emotional responsibility.

Frankly I would have been delighted if she had have told me that she was enjoying herself and creating a bit of a life for herself beyond being my mum. I would certainly have hated her moving someone into our house, but knowing that she was living her best life and had found someone who loved her and made her happy would have been like a gift to me.

My mum had absolutely no idea I felt like that. Are you sure you know what your DS really feels?

The point is also that if you have a child with a selfish twat then you’re going to have to co-parent with a selfish twat and there’s nothing you can do to change who they are as a person.

Yep, @Nobodywouldknow One of my closest friends is divorced from a selfish twat and they have 80/20 for their son. He STILL drops him home early when he's got something else that he'd prefer to do other than spend time with his son. It's all about himself.

Ex isn't living up to his previous agreement. But, things have changed. Your son is more independent now so what worked before doesn't work now. Arrangements need to be more flexible - not just because of ex, but because your son is older. That's ok.

You have 4 years until your son potentially moves away to college. Cherish this time.

I'd ditch the BF (as this seems incompatible with flexibility and son) and focus on needs of son. But also pick up new things to do that you can share with son when he is home so he becomes a part of them too? At the moment,with BF, you are keeping secret a big part of your life.

I'd tell ex that you propose that son spends more days with you now due to distance etc. I don't think that's unreasonable - a 4 year old needs different things to a 14 year old.

Yeah that’s my view too. I don’t at all think she needs to make them hang out. It’s literally just having the respect for him to be honest with him rather than sneaking around (and if she continues seeing this guy, there will come a point when he finds out, if he hasn’t guessed it himself by now). I can’t see how this would complicate his life or traumatise him. Why would it? If he doesn’t have to meet the guy other than maybe occasionally say hello if their paths happen to cross. Is it really that upsetting for teens to even think of their parent having a love life? How would the OP feel if the DS had a secret girlfriend that he didn’t feel able to tell her about?

But if she’s adamant she can’t tell him then she should end it and that way she’s at least being honest and upfront with her son and not sneaking around.

OP, others have described how, from this age, teens often develop their own 'access schedule' across parents' homes depending on what is going on in their social lives etc. What hasn't been mentioned is how that may include them randomly arriving with a couple of friends to raid the fridge for a snack etc.

It all becomes a bit more organic and less strictly controlled. You may need to put some thought into how that could work for your son. It would be difficult to see it working with your current set-up. Would that mean him losing friends, or having to go to their houses to keep them?

Also, I meant to add to my post above, that I disagree that it wouldn't be a big deal for your DS to find out about your BF further down the line.

I agree with the PPs who commented that he wouldn't thank you for 'protecting' him, and might well feel upset and unsettled by the lack of transparency. And I can't imagine trying to keep up the vagueness about the timeline in perpetuity. I mean, one of the first questions you might ask a new couple is "how did you guys meet?" and "how long have you been together"? Honestly, I know you might think you can keep it vague, but I think it may be really difficult to avoid outright lying in practice.

Going down the maintenance route may sort things out, but be prepared for retaliation.

I think that despite not meeting your bf, your ds, and by implication his father, have sensed something in the air. When newly in love people exhibit tell tale signs of happiness such as humming, good moods and spontaneous acts of generosity. Your ds may not understand why but your ex will. In short, he's twigged and is trying to catch you out.

You could try deflection by getting a roomba a that you call Jeremy (or dp's name - risky in case you break up,) or come clean. Perhaps you could start a hobby and have lots of new people to talk about. A 14 yr old won't care/notice but a grown man with a grudge will. Best of all, get a gay man in your life and let the rumours fly.

Agree that your son should never feel he has to apologise for coming in to his own home, and also with the concern that when he does discover the relationship he may be more upset about the lack of transparency than the fact of the relationship itself

I think you need to put your son first and make him feel like it's his home too. At the moment it seems like he isn't welcome unless it's his day and that your boyfriend takes priority on other days. Surely it would be better to introduce him to your boyfriend than to make him feel unwanted?

OP, it's incredibly unlikely your ex will change his behaviour. He does it because he can – he knows that you will pick up the slack rather than let your DS suffer.

My ex did just the same – bringing my DC back early so they had to have meals here, cancelling overnight stays, making me pick them up from parties etc when it was supposed to be their time with him. He was completely out of order and I was furious. I tried to hide it from my DC but, looking back, I realised they picked up on the tensions anyway – even though, like you, OP, my ex and I only communicated by text. Now they're adult, I wish I'd realised at the time that it was only a few short years – if your DS is 14 you really aren't going to have to tolerate this much longer – and just tried to focus on enjoying their childhood. Because once they're adult, they work out who really parented them and who was the opt-in/opt-out, cherrypicking part-timer. And then, basically, your ex will have lost out - because your DS will know that you made the grade and your ex didn't.

Not necessarily true. I was hyper sensitive to that sort of thing at that age. No real reason - no-one told me I was an inconvenience or treated me as such. But I would have worried that a change in plan was inconvenient to someone else. Then I morphed into an inconsiderate arsehole for a few years.

I do think this is one off the situations where you chalk it up as another example of ex being an entitled arsehole but can't change the arrangement without hurting your son. In time DS will be old enough to let himself in and sort food alone anyway (at 14 he already is, but I understand about worrying about them being cold or not having food in because I would too. I want home to be a safe, warm welcoming place). But you could (e.g.) ask DS to get some groceries in for all of you if you know you are short for both of you. His and yours relationship will be closer than he and your father as a result. The maintenance situation is hugely unfair - I understand that you dont want to pursue but if you are being put into financial straits then you really need to. If it is super annoying but you can afford it without too much hardship then don't if its too much hassle.

Imagine your son getting to the age of 18 and you writing your ex a letter of all the ways he is shit/a bad father/entitled. Including this. When he gets to be 18 you don't actually have to do it, but imagining it might help with dealing with the very blatant unfairness.

FGS are you all stupid! The BF is irrelevant as are all the comments about the son not feeling welcome in his own home! The point is that the Ex wants 50/50 and doesn't pay anything for his son but can;t actually facilitate 50/50 so uses the Op as his childcare in the morning and afternoon and then has him in the evening only. That is unfair on the OP and she is asking how to address it and make the Ex be responsible for his own son. You are nearly all focussing on the completely irrelevant parts of this post and not helping the OP at all! Don't know what to suggest Op but hear your frustration at your Ex and all the people on this post who don't get it!

Why are you posting this when OP has already said this just a couple of posts upthread:

I think I'm veering towards texting ex and telling him he clearly can't manage the school drops, so DS will need to stay with me more during the week if he continues dropping him early and collecting late. I don't know if I'll be able to get a single penny out of him for it, I can almost guarantee I won't, but at least I'll know where me and DS stand on a day to day basis, and I get to see my son more.

Well the existence of the boyfriend was given as the number one reason why the current situation wasn’t working for the OP. She was stressed that her DS might find out by accident if the boyfriend had t sneaked out in time. That’s why people have picked up on it.