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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP wants to stop drinking and expects me to as well

171 replies

BTsrule · 10/09/2024 21:32

DP has admitted he has an alcohol addiction ( he doesn’t have an off switch). Because of this he has cut back on the frequency of drinking but when he does will happily neck a bottle of wine. Plus maybe a few beers.

He recognises he needs to stop entirely (this has been said before on a few occasions) and has said it would help him if there was no alcohol in the house. So basically I can’t drink either. I don’t drink much but enjoy a glass or two of wine maybe twice a week. If he were to stop, I would still want to drink occasionally. I have said it is unreasonable for him to make his addiction my problem.

Would welcome views on who is right here?

IABU = I should also not drink
IANBU - fine for me to drink occasionally, it’s his problem

OP posts:
ApoodlecalledPenny · 10/09/2024 21:33

No ones being unreasonable, but if you want to support him you probably do need to keep alcohol outside of the house at least initially.

Comedycook · 10/09/2024 21:33

Honestly I think you should support him and not drink.

Adventurerno24 · 10/09/2024 21:33

You need to support him, at least initially.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/09/2024 21:34

He's trying to make it your responsibility what he drinks. Odds are that what would happen is that you abstain whilst he's secretly still drinking.

It just doesn't work that way. His problem, his responsibility.

Jammedchakra · 10/09/2024 21:34

When I gave up smoking, I could not be round smokers. Perhaps drink out of the house, but I’d not expect you to be teetotal

CrumpledBankNote · 10/09/2024 21:34

He's asking for your help.

Would you not do that as a partner regardless of what it is for.

readingmakesmehappy · 10/09/2024 21:35

Can you keep your drinks outside the house? If he is an addict then it will be easier for him to quit if there is none in the house

Dunnoburt · 10/09/2024 21:35

I guess it's about supporting him with something he has admitted he has trouble with? Could you compromise and maybe only buy on the day you want to drink? (and only enough for yourself)

Gobacktotheworld · 10/09/2024 21:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

SonicTheHodgeheg · 10/09/2024 21:36

Nobody is unreasonable here.

I understand that you should be able to drink whatever you want, when you want.

I also understand how your partner will find it much easier if there is no alcohol in the house and you drinking/having alcohol in the house reduces the chances of him succeeding in stopping.

Tel12 · 10/09/2024 21:36

For the sake of a glass of wine, perhaps you should put his health first? Doesn't seem like a big ask.

GreenGrass28 · 10/09/2024 21:36

I would definitely try and support him initially by keeping drinking to outside the house and so he's not tempted. He might find it easier to be around alcohol (avoid temptation) once he has some sobriety time under his belt. I don't think you need to personally stop, but you could still drink, but in a considerate way eg meet a friend for a couple after work etc...

Icanttakethisanymore · 10/09/2024 21:36

You don’t have to stop drinking, just don’t keep wine in the house and don’t drinking front of him. If he’s going to be out for the evening buy a glass size bottle and enjoy that on your own. Stopping drinking is difficult but absolutely necessary for him if he has a problem. I would do everything in my power to help him succeed.

HeddaGarbled · 10/09/2024 21:36

I can see both sides of this one.

You could buy yourself one of those mini bottles of wine when you want some, but don’t keep any in the house putting temptation in his way.

windywalk · 10/09/2024 21:36

If you're not bothered for a wine why are you even having to consider it.

No harm in not having any wine.

Your husband won't be able to avoid booze forever but if it's early days, the more support you can throw at him the better.

If someone said to me they were severely allergic to peanuts and were spending the night at mine I would stash the peanut butter away for the night, not be pissed off I couldn't have my nightly snack.

Solidarity & that.

sowhatimangry · 10/09/2024 21:36

If it was me I would also give it up as well, at least in the shared home and in his presence

FusionChefGeoff · 10/09/2024 21:37

That depends I guess.

Do you want him to be sober, healthy and your relationship to survive?

Or do you care more about a couple of glasses of wine a week?

Beating addiction is HARD and if he's asked for help I think anyone who loves someone would happily stop drinking around them.

DoreenonTill8 · 10/09/2024 21:37

NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/09/2024 21:34

He's trying to make it your responsibility what he drinks. Odds are that what would happen is that you abstain whilst he's secretly still drinking.

It just doesn't work that way. His problem, his responsibility.

This, he wouldn't have stopped drinking at your request, but expects you to stop for him? Typical of the selfishness of alcoholics... don't give a shit who they damage, destroy or devastate when drinking, but when they decide to stop, everyone else should and follow their beacon 😒

BIossomtoes · 10/09/2024 21:40

It would help him if there was no alcohol in the house, that’s undeniable. He’s not expecting you not to drink, he’s asking you not to drink at home for a while.

DaniMontyRae · 10/09/2024 21:40

DoreenonTill8 · 10/09/2024 21:37

This, he wouldn't have stopped drinking at your request, but expects you to stop for him? Typical of the selfishness of alcoholics... don't give a shit who they damage, destroy or devastate when drinking, but when they decide to stop, everyone else should and follow their beacon 😒

Show quote history

Projecting much? You have no idea what he would have done if he was in the OP's position. You have no idea of any destruction or devastation he may or may not have caused. He's taking responsibility by not wanting alcohol in his home.

Mum2jenny · 10/09/2024 21:41

Maybe consider buying the little bottles of wine and keeping them in your car boot or shed etc where he doesn’t go, so you can enjoy a single glass when you want.

LettyToretto · 10/09/2024 21:41

I'm with him.

He's trying to give up something he's ADDICTED to. That's not easy. Is it such a huge imposition on you?

He's not asking you to drown kittens. It's also healthier for you. By all means drink outside the house but show him some support and team effort

FootDown2022 · 10/09/2024 21:43

I was married to an alcoholic and if I was you I'd proceed with caution. If you think he's serious and sincere it might be a good idea not to drink around him for a while. But keep an eye out that he isn't putting the responsibility of his sobriety onto you. Don't let him start expecting you to always be in a good mood and pick up all the slack in order to ensure his sobriety. Alcoholics struggle with being responsible for their own behaviour.

Safirexx · 10/09/2024 21:45

I’d say don’t drink in front of him. Don’t sacrifice drinking if you don’t want to but the sacrifice would be not drinking at home. He does need your support in this.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 10/09/2024 21:46

Personally I would keep the house alcohol free at least in the early stages. I'm not sure if that's what someone experienced in alcohol addiction would say to do though. There's an alcohol support section on here, ifs for anyone effected by alcohol, it's a good place for support and information. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support

Alcohol support forum | Mumsnet | Mumsnet

Want to stop drinking? Need help with an alcoholic family member or friend? Get advice and support from people in similar situations.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/alcohol_support