Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants to stop drinking and expects me to as well

171 replies

BTsrule · 10/09/2024 21:32

DP has admitted he has an alcohol addiction ( he doesn’t have an off switch). Because of this he has cut back on the frequency of drinking but when he does will happily neck a bottle of wine. Plus maybe a few beers.

He recognises he needs to stop entirely (this has been said before on a few occasions) and has said it would help him if there was no alcohol in the house. So basically I can’t drink either. I don’t drink much but enjoy a glass or two of wine maybe twice a week. If he were to stop, I would still want to drink occasionally. I have said it is unreasonable for him to make his addiction my problem.

Would welcome views on who is right here?

IABU = I should also not drink
IANBU - fine for me to drink occasionally, it’s his problem

OP posts:
butfirstcoffee88 · 10/09/2024 23:11

If I were you I would be supportive of your partner in keeping alcohol out of the house. He’s admitted to you that he has an alcohol addiction and by admitting that he has made his first step. Maybe keep drinks for social occasions with friends outside of the home and not in his company. Out of sight, out of mind. It’s not going to be an easy ride for him. Imagine trying to quit chocolate and you e got a cupboard full of it - you’re going to cave and end up eating it right?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 10/09/2024 23:14

I hated my ex sitting with a glass of wine while I was pregnant but he still did it

DogsandFlowers · 10/09/2024 23:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

Hardly.....two glasses twice a week?

orangejacketlamp · 10/09/2024 23:15

@butfirstcoffee88 what do you mean "if you are supportive" the OP is saying husband has done this before with no lasting success. So why should her life be disrupted because her partner has decided again it's time to quit?? Addicts control the people they love so that if those people don't do what they say, they can then be blamed for any relapse. It's just another tactic to shift accountability.

LifeIsNeverKind · 10/09/2024 23:18

It absolutely is his problem, but him stopping drinking should benefit both of you. On that basis, could you maybe help him by not drinking/ having alcohol in the house in the short term? You don't have to make any 'forever' commitments right now. He might find it easier to cope as time passes. If not, you can have another think about things later.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 10/09/2024 23:31

Is he going to get outside support or therapy or will it be down you never to have alcohol in the house again? Will this then lead to never socialising in a pub or a restaurant? It really has to come from within him.
I was like it with smoking, my DH carried on for years after I gave up but I did it for me eventually and had to realise that he didn't want to stop when I did.

butfirstcoffee88 · 10/09/2024 23:54

Then it’s up to OP to either stay and support him or to leave him. She has a choice!

Katielovesteatime · 10/09/2024 23:57

You 100% should support him. It’s really hard to quit alcohol. When he’s feeling stronger, maybe you can reintroduce alcohol into your home, but I really don’t think it would be supportive or fair for you to have alcohol in the house at this time. Realizing you have a problem and need to quit drinking is hard. Having alcohol in the house makes it even harder. It’s an emotional and overwhelming experience for your partner and of course he wants the support of his partner?! I’m shocked you resent doing that for him?!

Katielovesteatime · 10/09/2024 23:59

orangejacketlamp · 10/09/2024 23:15

@butfirstcoffee88 what do you mean "if you are supportive" the OP is saying husband has done this before with no lasting success. So why should her life be disrupted because her partner has decided again it's time to quit?? Addicts control the people they love so that if those people don't do what they say, they can then be blamed for any relapse. It's just another tactic to shift accountability.

Wow. So you’re saying addicts don’t deserve a chance? This is so cold and cruel. Addicts aren’t bad people, they are sick people, and they can recover. For a lot of people, they quit but then fail, quit and then fail, and then finally, they quit and then win, and never touch alcohol again. But to do that, they need love and support.

trythisforsize · 11/09/2024 00:07

He's asking for your help and support.

If I could turn back time I would have loved my deceased partner to have recognised his alcohol addiction and asked for some help.
Many never, ever ask for help. It can become too late scarily quickly.

Sadly he never asked, or even admitted a problem, and it spiralled slowly over 16 years.
He died at 41 leaving a young son behind.

If I were in your position I'd be glad my partner was facing their addiction.

LikeWeUsedToBe · 11/09/2024 00:13

I used to have an addiction. Well still do I think you never stop being one. I only quit because i love my kids more and had to stop when I got pregnant. I can't have it in the house. I can't be around other who do it. If a partner did it I would possibly not be able to resist and I would resent them for how hard it made life for me. I know you say a month is his suggestion but honestly if you love him consider committing to never having alcohol in the house again. You need to think about relapses in the future. When you are an addict the craving never goes you have to fight it all your life. You get better at it but it's always there. Maybe one day he will cope with it in the house but I'd say that will be years not just a month. If that's too much of an ask for you then you should have a think about if you also have a problem with alcohol. I don't say that to be nasty but when one person drinks more than the other it's easy to think that person has the problem but it could be both. First step is acknowledging you have a problem after all

AGoingConcern · 11/09/2024 00:14

For most people trying to get sober it's important to be able to not have alcohol in their own home, at least for the short term. His ask there is entirely reasonable. Of course it would be unreasonable for him to object to you going out for a drink after work with friends, but it doesn't sound like that's what he's asking.

The problem is his home is also your home, and for reasons I'm not quite clear on you find it important to have alcohol on hand. It's probably worth exploring this reaction and the underlying feelings, but that's fine.

Now you both have a choice to make. So if he decides that getting sober is a priority for him and that means he needs to live somewhere alcohol free for a while and makes plans to move out, will that be an acceptable solution?

BooneyBeautiful · 11/09/2024 00:18

Mum2jenny · 10/09/2024 21:41

Maybe consider buying the little bottles of wine and keeping them in your car boot or shed etc where he doesn’t go, so you can enjoy a single glass when you want.

This.

butfirstcoffee88 · 11/09/2024 00:32

Awful advice. Either make the choice to support him or be honest and say that you don’t want to. Don’t go around hiding bottles of alcohol in the shed or your car, that’s bloody ridiculous. If you feel the need to resort to that then your relationship is doomed and your need to question if you should be together or not.

DadJoke · 11/09/2024 00:51

Remove all alcohol from the house. Drink when you go out.

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 11/09/2024 01:00

Could you maybe just not keep drinks in the house? I.e. if you want a glass or two of wine, would it be possible to just buy the mini bottles, have them when he's out / drink them in a different room without making a big deal of it, without actually keeping bottles of alcohol in your home? And drink socially (outside the home) if you want to, without proactively telling him - unless he specially asks. This would seem like a good compromise to me. I would make the effort not to drink when you're actually with him, to show your support.

AnnieSnap · 11/09/2024 01:10

If he is the early stages of addiction and wants to address it. That’s huge. He is asking you to not have alcohol in the house because it will be a temptation to him. If you don’t cooperate to support him and the booze in the house prevents him from giving up, his addiction will deepen (it’s a progressive disease). If you value your marriage and that happens, you will regret the world of misery your actions could bring on both of you (speaking as one who knows). Not keeping alcohol noticeably in the house doesn’t mean you can’t have the odd glass yourself. Buy a half bottle (if an odd glass is really all you want to drink), run yourself a nice bath and enjoy your wine away from your husband.

Legendairy · 11/09/2024 02:37

Glad you are going alcohol free in the house, it's the right thing to do IMO, you can go for a glass of wine with friends out somewhere if need be. Sadly many alcoholics will try to stop many times and fail so really do need as much support as possible. It could be a long time before he can cope with people drinking around him etc so for the sake of the odd drink you like surely it is worth sacrificing that if it helps him get sober.

GiddyRobin · 11/09/2024 02:57

My husband and I have never been big drinkers, but when I was pregnant each time he stopped drinking entirely. I didn't ask him to - he just did it in support of me. That included out of the house, too; I remember his friends being surprised by how he was so dedicated. I told him he didn't need to but he did it anyway.

If he turned to me and asked me to never drink again, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I love him, and we're partners in all things.

Could you at least not have it in the house for a little while? He might be able to handle it once he's got a couple of months of sobriety under his belt, but for now could you not just stick to a few glasses in the pub or when he's not in? I can't speak for an addict, but I know when I was pregnant I was so warmed by the support of someone joining me in a joint venture. Different situation, I know that, but if he's a good partner and you love him, it could be worth extending that support.

Obviously, if he's a selfish prick in other ways and you've got loads of other issues unrelated to his drinking, bugger him and carry on as you are!

Spencer0220 · 11/09/2024 03:09

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

This totally.

I love G&T. I love my husband far more. He gave up alcohol for medical reasons.

I haven't drunk since. I wouldn't make him feel like he was missing out.

That said, we wouldn't expect anyone to forgo alcohol at a function outside our home. As long as he's not expecting this either.

RosannaSpider · 11/09/2024 03:12

It will help him just don't drink around him

HoppingPavlova · 11/09/2024 03:15

He is not asking for your help. He is shifting responsibility off himself and into you. That’s not on.

Remaker · 11/09/2024 03:16

Poppypops76 · 10/09/2024 23:06

If he just found out he had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, would you insist on keeping peanuts in the house because you fancied the odd nut snack now and again?

I have a potentially fatal shellfish allergy and my family continues to order and consume it. I’m a bloody adult I know not to dive into their king prawn curry FFS.

OP I think the replies you are getting reflect the MN absolute overreaction to anyone enjoying a glass of wine occasionally. My best friend’s husband recognised he was an alcoholic and stopped drinking 25 years ago. Initially she didn’t drink much at home due to small children but it was in the house as they used to entertain for HIS job and they continued to do so. His sobriety is successful due to him owning the problem and genuinely wanting to overcome it, not by controlling the environment so he was never tempted. I think going alcohol free for a month is a good start then you can revisit how he is going to maintain his sobriety while living in the world with pubs and restaurants and alcohol on supermarket shelves.

babyproblems · 11/09/2024 03:18

I think of your partner is an alcoholic and expressing need for change, it’s a supportive thing to help them in ANY way especially if they ask.
Alcoholism kills. You sound very laid back about the fact your partner is an alcoholic.
I wondered if you also had issues with letting it go.. otherwise I cannot understand why you wouldn’t just do it. It suggests to me that ‘your right to a nice drink’ might be as important or more important to you than your DHs cries for help. That tells me you also have a problem.

Honestly? If you cannot let go of drinking when it has this much of an effect on a loved one, you need to definitely let it go.
Alcohol gets people for life. If you can’t give it up for such a big reason, let your DH go because frankly it will probably kill you or him or both of you to not make changes. And he is clearly desperate to make changes. Which is very very rare- let him have the chance.

AGoingConcern · 11/09/2024 03:19

I'm sorry but comparisons between allergies and alcoholism are utterly ridiculous (in both directions). That's not remotely relevant to how addiction works.