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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants to stop drinking and expects me to as well

171 replies

BTsrule · 10/09/2024 21:32

DP has admitted he has an alcohol addiction ( he doesn’t have an off switch). Because of this he has cut back on the frequency of drinking but when he does will happily neck a bottle of wine. Plus maybe a few beers.

He recognises he needs to stop entirely (this has been said before on a few occasions) and has said it would help him if there was no alcohol in the house. So basically I can’t drink either. I don’t drink much but enjoy a glass or two of wine maybe twice a week. If he were to stop, I would still want to drink occasionally. I have said it is unreasonable for him to make his addiction my problem.

Would welcome views on who is right here?

IABU = I should also not drink
IANBU - fine for me to drink occasionally, it’s his problem

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 10/09/2024 21:46

DaniMontyRae · 10/09/2024 21:40

Projecting much? You have no idea what he would have done if he was in the OP's position. You have no idea of any destruction or devastation he may or may not have caused. He's taking responsibility by not wanting alcohol in his home.

Show quote history

Nope, just have read many, many posts on here like this.
So is it ops job to shield him from alcohol everywhere then?
His management of sobriety is not ops job.

PandoraSox · 10/09/2024 21:47

I think I would go along with this, at least for a while. Then going forward if you fancy a drink just buy a couple of the small bottles or a half bottle. Or only drink out of the house.

StormingNorman · 10/09/2024 21:52

A bit of emotional support wouldn’t go amiss while he’s giving up.

If a couple of glasses of wine is more important than supporting your husband, then he might not be the only addict.

Your husband is asking for your help.

Gogogo12345 · 10/09/2024 21:52

Can't you just go out with your mates for a drink instead, would have to be more fun than drinking alone indoors

BIossomtoes · 10/09/2024 21:55

DoreenonTill8 · 10/09/2024 21:46

Nope, just have read many, many posts on here like this.
So is it ops job to shield him from alcohol everywhere then?
His management of sobriety is not ops job.

Show quote history

It would be supportive not to put temptation in his way at home.

Purplecatshopaholic · 10/09/2024 21:55

The likelihood of him stopping if there is drink in the house or you do it in front of him is obviously significantly reduced. It will be hard enough without that tbh. I’d join him for now - you can still have a drink when out with friends and not him for example. This is a big deal and he needs support.

AdultChildQuestion · 10/09/2024 21:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

^ This. Sounds like you have a problem too.

GritGoes4th · 10/09/2024 21:59

I think that not having an addictive substance in the house with an addict is a reasonable request. You can still drink - just not at home. I appreciate it's still a sacrifice for you.

Original poster
BTsrule · 10/09/2024 21:59

Thanks to all of you for the comments- they are much appreciated and provide a good perspective

And for those who think I have a drink problem - I don’t.

OP posts:
Allfur · 10/09/2024 22:01

If he's serious about giving up, what you do should not matter

StrongAutumn · 10/09/2024 22:05

For the love of God, just get rid of all the booze in the house and be glad that he wants to stop. Umpteen partners of raging alcoholic would cheerfully swap places with you.

This is really, really, REALLY hard and he needs your love and practical help. Get in his corner and support his sobriety.

gamerchick · 10/09/2024 22:08

I would support him for now. Until it becomes his new normal tbh OP.

FootDown2022 · 10/09/2024 22:08

@BTsrule I'm assuming that if he is at the point where he knows he has to get help then you have been through a hard time lately. Remember that it's good to ask for support for yourself too and to talk to people about what's going on. Addiction is huge and it's easy to lose yourself when you're the partner of an addict.

sunseaandsoundingoff · 10/09/2024 22:10

BTsrule · 10/09/2024 21:59

Thanks to all of you for the comments- they are much appreciated and provide a good perspective

And for those who think I have a drink problem - I don’t.

If you didn't you wouldn't care about not having alcohol in the house.

You wouldn't think it would be worth a thread if your husband said he didn't want kale or rice krispies in the house. And if he told you he didn't want bags or sharing crisps or cheesecake in the house because he wanted to lose weight, you'd go along with it without a second thought.

Seiling · 10/09/2024 22:12

DoreenonTill8 · 10/09/2024 21:37

This, he wouldn't have stopped drinking at your request, but expects you to stop for him? Typical of the selfishness of alcoholics... don't give a shit who they damage, destroy or devastate when drinking, but when they decide to stop, everyone else should and follow their beacon 😒

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He’s trying to stop now. It’s not selfish to ask for support when battling an addiction.

FootDown2022 · 10/09/2024 22:14

sunseaandsoundingoff · 10/09/2024 22:10

If you didn't you wouldn't care about not having alcohol in the house.

You wouldn't think it would be worth a thread if your husband said he didn't want kale or rice krispies in the house. And if he told you he didn't want bags or sharing crisps or cheesecake in the house because he wanted to lose weight, you'd go along with it without a second thought.

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The OP is asking a very reasonable question about how much support her partner needs when trying to quit alcohol. I don't think this is a fair comment. There isn't anything the OP has said that suggests they also have a problem.

DoreenonTill8 · 10/09/2024 22:15

Seiling · 10/09/2024 22:12

He’s trying to stop now. It’s not selfish to ask for support when battling an addiction.

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There's a difference between asking for support and asking to decide how someone else lives their life
As per pp, if he's serious, he'll do it, if he isn't he'll expect to control other people's actions .

ForeverPombear · 10/09/2024 22:16

My DM was an alcoholic, growing up she tried many times to give up and I firmly believe it's because my Dad was still drinking in the house in front of her and also her friends were still her 'drinking buddies'.

She made a fresh start away from my DF and away from her drinking friends and she's been almost 12 years sober and doing the best I've ever seen her.

You don't have to give up alcohol but for a loved one, I would. He's admitted he has a problem and needs help and having seen what alcoholics can turn into, I'd help him sooner rather than later.

He's asking for your support. You can still go out with friends and have a couple of drinks, just not drinking around him and I personally think that's fair enough. Same if he was a smoker, it's bloody difficult for an addict to give things up let alone when someone is doing it right in front of them.

TheTigerWhoCameToEatMyArsehole · 10/09/2024 22:16

My partner no longer wanted to drink I now don't drink. He's not said to me I can't but we support each other in all aspects of our lives or at least try to.

SoupDragon · 10/09/2024 22:19

He hasn't said you can't drink, he says it would help if there was no alcohol in the house.

If you can't live without a drink, simply drink elsewhere.

LettyToretto · 10/09/2024 22:20

Some posters on this thread are nuts. Nobody bats an eyelid when a woman says to her partner, "oooh please don't buy any treats. I'm on a diet!", but a bloke does it because he's realised he has an alcohol problem and suddenly he's Ike Turner

StarDolphins · 10/09/2024 22:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

🤣how utterly ridiculous to suggest op has a drink problem, good grief!

There’s a big difference between‘can’t’ & ‘don’t want’.

armadillio · 10/09/2024 22:22

How can he be a partner if you won’t do such a simple thing for him?

You can drink out of the house.

I’m guessing you’re going to drip feed that this has happened before and he will drink in the house when you’re not there.

ThatsNotMyTeen · 10/09/2024 22:28

HeddaGarbled · 10/09/2024 21:36

I can see both sides of this one.

You could buy yourself one of those mini bottles of wine when you want some, but don’t keep any in the house putting temptation in his way.

This, I can see both sides.

I had a drink problem and stopped drinking a few years ago. My husband (drank much less) offered to stop with me and I said no. I knew it was something I had to do alone. But I was OK with alcohol in the house, I didn’t find it a big obstacle. If your husband does it might be reasonable to remove alcohol from the house at least temporarily, or yes buy the mini bottles

Seiling · 10/09/2024 22:28

DoreenonTill8 · 10/09/2024 22:15

There's a difference between asking for support and asking to decide how someone else lives their life
As per pp, if he's serious, he'll do it, if he isn't he'll expect to control other people's actions .

Show quote history

If your partner struggles with alcohol addiction and you put your own desire to have a glass of wine every now and again over their health, you’re the selfish one imo. It’s not about control, it’s about needing support.