DP wants to stop drinking and expects me to as well

[BTsrule]

DP has admitted he has an alcohol addiction ( he doesn’t have an off switch). Because of this he has cut back on the frequency of drinking but when he does will happily neck a bottle of wine. Plus maybe a few beers.

He recognises he needs to stop entirely (this has been said before on a few occasions) and has said it would help him if there was no alcohol in the house. So basically I can’t drink either. I don’t drink much but enjoy a glass or two of wine maybe twice a week. If he were to stop, I would still want to drink occasionally. I have said it is unreasonable for him to make his addiction my problem.

Would welcome views on who is right here?

IABU = I should also not drink
IANBU - fine for me to drink occasionally, it’s his problem

Mine didn’t ask me not to drink. However, I didn’t drink at home because I wanted to give him the best possible chance of succeeding in becoming and staying sober. Surely if you love your bloke you want to support them?

@BTsrule I'd be really pissed off if I had to give up my evening small glass of wine just because my partner can't just have one drink then stop!

If he's a daily binge drinker though then yes it would be sensible to not have any alcohol in the house.

If he's the type that can quite happily not drink some nights but once he has one glass he cannot stop at one, then the key here is HIM not drinking at all if he has recognised he cannot stop at one.

I drink pretty much every day, but it's 1 small glass (1/6th of a bottle) and I can happily stop at one. I'd rather have a glass of wine that pudding and it's my way of winding down at the end of the day - sitting down and stopping the daily chores and work!

If he feels he cannot have alcohol in the house and couldn't cope with seeing you drinking then I think he needs to look at further help outside of the home.

Support him.

"Don't make it my problem" is a bit of an odd response. It is your problem because he's your partner and surely he'll only be able to be a good one to you if he gets sober?

Have a dry house; enjoy a drink when you're out? It will be good for your health too. Lots of alternatives are available now (and I say this as someone who loves a drink)

If this is the first time he's asked you to keep alcohol out of the house then I'd say it's a reasonable request. If you're addicted to something then it's the first few weeks that are the hardest. It makes it easier to stop if there isn't some of what you're addicted to within easy reach.

Al-Anon does indeed say "you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it." But that's not what's going on here.

Throwing away an alcoholic's booze is you trying to control their drinking. That is futile.

An alcoholic trying to sober up is them trying to control their drinking. All they're doing is asking you for your support to help them achieve that.

Let's put it another way - let's say your wife is pregnant and has terrible morning sickness brought on by the smell of coffee. Should you refrain from drinking coffee at home, or should you say "nope, it's not my responsibility, stop trying to guilt-trip me, I have the right to drink coffee in my own house"?

He hasn’t asked her to stop drinking. He has asked her not to have alcohol in the house whilst he tries to abstain.

First few weeks eh? You have no experience with alcoholism do you?

I don't think you should drink in front of him and I don't think you should drink much when you are away from him and come back drunk/smelling of alcohol. This is going to be tough for him and I'm not surprised he wants you on his side.

Just for information, alcohol free beer or wine is still triggering for many alcoholics. The sight of the bottles, the smell and taste can trigger them.

Only my father. And the mother of my children. And her sister. Plus a couple of years in Al-Anon. But not personally, no.

I've been told by the alcoholics in my life that the first few days sober after prolonged heavy drinking are horrendous due to the shakes, possible delerium tremens or at least chemical detox. That's followed by several weeks of horrible insomnia, digestive problems, headaches, etc etc.

For a binge drinker like OP's husband who doesn't sound chemically dependent, then getting out of the habit of regular drinking will also take time.

If what I was told was false then please enlighten me with your experiences.

Come on...unless there's a massive backstory, in a loving relationship you can, surely, do without alcohol at home, at least initially, to support him. Surely if you are genuine in saying you only drink a couple glasses a week, shouldn't be such an imposition.

I think you should give up too. I did this for a sibling and I am so glad I did! You might find it helpful to read The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober.

Where do you think his drinking will be in 5, 10 years time? If it was my DH I’d want him to stop, but he’s got to do it himself.
Maybe just drink when you go out for a few months?

My point was you were suggesting he would find it difficult being around alcohol for “a few weeks”. A few week is nothing on the road to sobriety. Given what you say about your experience, you should know that!

If I'd said that you'd be right. But I didn't, so you're not.

Kindly and respectfully, it sounds like you are also dependent on alcohol if you have to have it every day and would be 'pissed off' if you couldn't have it.

Then I misunderstood and I apologise. Written accounts come without intonation don’t they?

Tricky. I think not having alcohol in the house is the only way forward for his sake, but it is annoying. I’m addicted to food, very unhealthy, I’ve stopped eating sweets etc but I won’t stop my Dh. I think, tho, that alcohol is a massive issue. I stopped drinking for 6 months, my Dh carried on but I hadn’t asked him to stop. He can drink, doesn’t bother me. It’s a very difficult issue. I completely empathise about wanting a glass of wine occasionally!

Saying that, my mum is alcohol dependent, her behaviour is very different when she’s pissed (every night, doesn’t take much, never has). She’s been told not to do it because it spoils special occasions but everyone else still drinks (once, my cousin’s engagement, my aunt told her, my teenage efforts were ignored). I admit I don’t really drink round her.

Thank you! Genuinely didn't think of it like this.

There isn’t a right OP, just an abyss that you both could fall into. You’re been given a choice, support your partner or think more about your own drink? I don’t hold that against you, I did the same as a young woman. My husband died four years later of a horrible pneumonia subsequent to his drinking. It’s a disease process. He really couldn’t get out of it and was resistant to therapy. It might help you to read about addiction to alcohol and the awful downward spiral. It’s not all about choice but chemical dependencies. If he had cancer would you feel the same? As a social lubricant alcohol has its place. But some are susceptible to it’s horrors. Your choice is not about the alcohol it’s about how far along the journey can you go with him. You could enjoy a drink when he’s out? Or pop to a friends? My dad when in recovery would go to family functions and happily buy my mum a drink and himself a Coca-Cola. But he couldn’t have done that in the early days of therapy. It takes time. What he’s saying to you is: I need help with this, are you with me? Only you can decide. Best of luck.