DP wants to stop drinking and expects me to as well

[BTsrule]

DP has admitted he has an alcohol addiction ( he doesn’t have an off switch). Because of this he has cut back on the frequency of drinking but when he does will happily neck a bottle of wine. Plus maybe a few beers.

He recognises he needs to stop entirely (this has been said before on a few occasions) and has said it would help him if there was no alcohol in the house. So basically I can’t drink either. I don’t drink much but enjoy a glass or two of wine maybe twice a week. If he were to stop, I would still want to drink occasionally. I have said it is unreasonable for him to make his addiction my problem.

Would welcome views on who is right here?

IABU = I should also not drink
IANBU - fine for me to drink occasionally, it’s his problem

I like a drink myself, so I’m very far from judgey about what people drink. But “a glass or two of wine maybe twice a week” is not “occasionally” or “not much” it’s regular drinking. Which is fine, don’t get me wrong. I drink more than that. But don’t kid yourself. You should definately support him on this if he needs to give up, and a month is a good start.

If my husband had a drink problem, I’d absolutely stop drinking, whether in the house or even out and not with him, in solidarity. But I can mostly take or leave drink, although I do treat myself to a really nice bottle maybe every six months and I’ll also have a couple of glasses in weddings. I would stop these things without hesitation if it meant helping my husband with his alcoholism or potential alcoholism.

Addiction is addiction at the end of the day. Similar to someone being addicted to drugs but the other keeping drugs in the house - albeit alcohol not illegal

In a similar situation although my partner binges when he drinks, but ok not to, its a bit all or nothing unless we go for a meal with family. I now have 'alcohol free' wine at home and he has the alcohok free beer (has a small percentage). Its the one with the little dog one it - really nice actually. I have alcohol outside the house now. I actually feel a lot better for it.

I get its changing your life but its just part of compromise in a relationship for the others wellness and him being around alcohol is not going to help at all.

It’s pretty selfish of the partner of an alcoholic to continue drinking alcohol in their presence too. The fact that he needed to ask her to not drink in front of him shows just how selfish she is!

No one deals with an addiction without prioritising that. If it's an addiction to illegal drugs you stay away from the places and people who do it. Same with cigarettes. Same with drinks - except you are in his home. Some people aren't strong enough to be around something they are addicted to and not partake. If you don't support his quit you're undermining it. Tough but true.

My DH has admitted an alcohol issue, so to support him we have a dry house. No brainer to me. You don’t sound very supportive op (but I haven’t rtft in full so perhaps there is a drip feed).

Completely agree. Surely supporting your partner if they ask for help is just the normal, standard thing to do.
Drink out of the house if you are so desperate to do so but I can't see why you wouldn't want to do that small thing for him??

Nobody is unreasonable.
If you have a problem, part of fixing that problem is taking accountability for it and not making excuses. However as its early days it would be a sensible decision to initially help him by not having alcohol in the house. If you fancied a glass of wine maybe you could see if a friend or colleague fancy one at a bar before going home on a Friday.

We have neighbours we are quite friendly with, both always been very big drinkers but The wife in particular, if we went round for a party she would be drunk by the time we got there any usually had to be taken to bed early. She actually retired early due to health issues that if not caused by definitely exacerbated by alcohol. I remember her H saying once that he knew the only way to stop her drinking was for him to stop too and he wasn't prepared to do it. Sadly the lady died a couple of years ago
He is still a very big drinker, most likely a functional alcoholic and his new wife is very concerned about his drinking.
If a person DOES have alcohol issues then its best not to have any in the house, the same way you would anything that someone is addicted to and lets face it alcohol isn't necessary so its not a big deal not to drink at home - or is it OP?

Ha, you clearly know NOTHING about alcohol addiction!

He's an alcoholic. Of course you should keep alcohol out of his home and do everything you can to support him in stopping drinking. Why would you not? Your right to a glass of wine is not more important than preventing the long term impacts of alcoholism on him and on you too.

Of course the hard work has to come from him but as his partner why would you not want to give him support, at least in the initial stages of giving up, and this is such a little thing, really. View it as an investment for your own future too.

DH died of cirrhosis last year. He completely denied he had a problem, even when he was doubly incontinent and suffering from malnutrition.

I recommend Al Anon for you, I found it really helpful. I'd also get this thread moved to Addiction Support, you'll get better advice.

Personally, I'd get rid of all alcohol from the house and not drink in his presence. That way you're taking away one of his excuses!

Do you want to support him or not? He has faced up to his addiction and making the difficult step of doing something about it. This is an admirable decision and one that can make you feel quite vulnerable.

As a reformed drinker myself, I'd strongly suggest you support him through this phase. Your relationship will undoubtedly be much stronger and better when he has overcome his addiction. If you were struggling with something so significant and potentially life-changing, wouldnt you expect his support?

I used to find it a challenge not to drink booze that was in the house. I’ve stopped drinking now and it wouldn’t bother me but maybe a temptation free zone would be kind. It’s like having lots of snacks when someone is on a diet. Just drink at the pub for a month or two. Or buy those little wines and drink them on the day so not hanging around.

Personally if I loved him and wanted him to get better I would avoid having alcohol in the house but not agree to be tea-total for life. I'd have my glass of wine when out for an evening and the temptation to him would be more manageable.

This is less of a problem for me though as I rarely drink at home (I do keep wine in to cook with though that I'd be sad to lose!)

Like others, if the person I loved asked me to help and support them with something they were finding difficult, when that addiction was going to ruin their health, and most likely the relationship anyway, I can't see why anyone wouldn't.

Yes, addiction is complicated and stopping drinking has to come from him, but if he feels this will help him, why wouldn't you ?

Good to see you are going to give it a trial run, then reassess from there.

@Remaker shell fish isn’t addictive though is it? 🙄

I am the poster who made the first point you quote. My partner of 16-years is an alcoholic. He has been sober now for 6 years with the exception of two lapses that lasted a few weeks each. I am very well aware to the Alanon position of “you didn’t cause it, can’t control it, or change it”. That is absolutely the case, but you can do things that make it more difficult for an alcoholic to become sober and you can do things to undermine an alcoholic.

Absolutely the right thing to do, but please do expect that near the end of the month if he's serious about stopping, he will request for it to be longer. He will always have the addiction and it may well be worth him trying to get professional help.

Wow there are some real pieces of work on this thread, shame on them.

OP support your partner, its not putting responsibility on to you, its just making the home more viable for him to take the steps he needs to. Just like you wouldnt have lines of coke scattered about the house if your partner was trying to give it up.

He might be successful, he might not, but he is asking for help and its not unreasonable help.

Drink outside with friends. If you don’t he will use you drinking a thimble of sherry at Christmas as an excuse for why he’s passed out on the floor from necking a jeroboam of wine.

If you are going to do it for a month fair enough. But HE has to put the effort in as well. I had to put the work in to remove the desire to drink. I drank over a bottle of wine a day for years and yet since I did that work and removed the desire to drink I could have a glass of wine right in front of me now and not be interested in it at all. Your husband will need to get himself some strategies or he risks just white knuckling it and being what I believe AA call a “dry drunk”.

Do you drink red wine? If so then hide a couple of little bottles. If it's white then more difficult to hide in the fridge ...

When my partner stopped drinking he didn't make me stop and manged fine with me drinking.

I don't think it's too much for your DH to ask for your help with what sounds like a serious problem. And you can always still have the occasional drink outside the house.