DP wants to stop drinking and expects me to as well

[BTsrule]

DP has admitted he has an alcohol addiction ( he doesn’t have an off switch). Because of this he has cut back on the frequency of drinking but when he does will happily neck a bottle of wine. Plus maybe a few beers.

He recognises he needs to stop entirely (this has been said before on a few occasions) and has said it would help him if there was no alcohol in the house. So basically I can’t drink either. I don’t drink much but enjoy a glass or two of wine maybe twice a week. If he were to stop, I would still want to drink occasionally. I have said it is unreasonable for him to make his addiction my problem.

Would welcome views on who is right here?

IABU = I should also not drink
IANBU - fine for me to drink occasionally, it’s his problem

Your husband has made a massive step in admitting he’s an alcoholic. This in itself is incredibly hard to do. The desire to stop is one thing; actually being able to do so is a whole other level.

You say you’re not fussed about drinking but would still like to have the odd glass or two of wine, obviously that’s fine. But given your husband has made this huge shift in consciousness around his own problematic drinking I think it would be so supportive (and easy) for you to not drink around him for the foreseeable. You say you’re not bothered about your own drinking - well, it’s no hardship then.

As someone with family members with lifetime drinking problems, this is a very small sacrifice for you but could be hugely beneficial for him, and the knock-on effects for your family would be enormous.

This, I can't believe the number of posters doing this to op which is completely opposite to advice 'you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't change it's from AA such as you will regret the world of misery your actions could bring on both of you if op has a drink herself*,
If a partner did it I would possibly not be able to resist and I would resent them for how hard it made life for me.
And other such nonsense placing guilt, blame and full responsibility on op.

If you don’t automatically want to stop consuming alcohol around him temporarily, I would question whether you had an alcohol problem or if you are committed to the relationship. He won’t likely need a sober partner forever, but at least in the beginning, you could easily avoid having alcohol in the home and drinking around him.

No, he isn't shifting responsibility to her.

Almost every drug and alcohol program (including 12 step programs) will initially encourage participants to find a way to change their environment so that there isn't alcohol or drugs available in their home or daily environment. That's why people go to residential rehab, or live in sober living, or go to all-day programs so that they're around sober people and not the environments they drink and use in. OP's husband is trying to acomplish that for himself, but he can't do so without either leaving their joint home or asking his spouse to temporarily not keep alcohol around. Part of cohabitation and marriage is that we sometimes can't just do whatever works for us by ourselves and tell our partners "I'm looking out for me, you're responsible for yourself and your needs don't have anything to do with me."

If OP feels like DH needs to move out if he wants to not have alcohol in his own home then that's absolutely something she can decide. But DH isn't being unreasonable to ask for OP to work with him on a different path.

If the DH were asking OP to actively prevent him from drinking or blaming her behavior for him drinking (i.e. "I wouldn't drink if you didn't nag me all the time") that would be different.

I am with the PP if not having 2 glasses of wine is disrupting your life significantly- you need to look at that.

Relationship sounds dead to me.

I'd stop drinking in the house as support. But still have a drink with friends/when out.

Personally I would give it ago.
There is a chance it won't work or there is the chance it will and your life, his life and your relationship will be improved immeasurably.
I was in your position so speaking from experience.

I think given you have a couple of glasses of wine a week it isn’t a big deal to just drink out of the house when you want to. I may be very biased though as my daughter’s lovely partner who I am very fond of and who is in his mid 20s is currently away at his parent’s funeral after they drank themselves to death.

As so often is the case I think the first answer nailed it. You don’t have to stop drinking forever but you do need to be supportive and help him make the change he needs to by not having alcohol in the house. He’s taking a big step admitting he has a problem and wanting to change completely having already made progress - I truly believe he deserves your support.

I think you need to be a supportive partner and not have alcohol in the house

You should try to support him initially. You don’t have to commit to never drinking again, but he will almost certainly struggle to kick his addiction if you are drinking whilst he tries to quit (yes, even if you have only one or two glasses a week).

Part of being a partner is supporting each other through difficulties, even when it isn’t convenient. Addiction has such a grip, he will need you to stop drinking with him. Think of doing it as a “team”.

Once he feels he has his drinking under control, agree parameters for you to enjoy drinking again. Be prepared for the fact you might not be able to drink in front of him, if his addiction is a real problem.

It might help if you do some reading on addiction, to understand just how difficult it is to kick and how much support your partner needs (and whether you’re prepared to give that support).

I have a drink (a bottle of cider, or half a bottle) every few weeks or so, and even I would prefer not to commit to never again being able to do that whenever I might fancy it. I keep some in the fridge so it's there if I want it, but sometimes I go months without bothering. If I've got a drinking problem then fuck me, those definitions need looking at

I mean, if I knew it genuinely was needed and helpful for someone I loved, then yeah, I'd do it, but I think OP was unsure whether it was genuinely needed and helpful.

Helping a partner kick an addiction involves sacrifices. YABU and selfish imo.

You could still drink a glass when out, just not in the house.

House should be completely alcohol free.
I also would not drink or be drunk around him.

If you were to go out with a friend and stay at hers, that should be okay.

Ultimately it is important that now he has realised that he is an addict, he can maintain the momentum

You might be better off on an alcohol support page OP. We don't know what you've already been through with your DH, whether this is a new thing or you've gone through years of supporting him and having it knocked back as is the case with many partners of addicts. If course you can be supportive but this is his journey and you can't fix it

No one has the right to call you selfish without knowing your whole story

I am an alcoholic, who is just coming up to 180 days sober (tomorrow!). I have tried before, and failed by the end of the week. The things that have made a difference this time, are telling a fellow family member in recovery, for accountability and support, and DH, this time when I told him I wanted and needed to stop for good, said 'what can I do to help?' and within the hour all alcohol was out of the house. It was like magic!

He can happily go without alcohol. I don't want him to, he shouldn't have to deny himself because of me. I encourage him and DD to have a glass of wine if they want, or a beer.

But it was so much easier in the initial days not to have alcohol in the house when going through the initial detox. That, however, was very much his choice, and not asked for, or imposed, by me.

Everyone is different though. I never have cravings and tbh over 3 years in barely even notice if people are drinking until
and unless they get drunk and annoying.

Alcohol is an incredibly addictive substance in the disguise of a respectable pastime, and you or anyone else are legally allowed to enjoy that if you wish, go for it, your husband is demonstrating an escalation of alcohol use, which anyone who drinks is capable of at any time, alcohol is sneaky.

So anyone, including OP who thinks it’s ridiculous that you should have to give up your weekly occasional glasses of wine should acknowledge that reluctance to do so means you are hooked on alcohol as well. Alcohol is a drug, it keeps you coming back for more, and if you can’t take or leave it, but routinely want it, then it’s ok to suggest, as previous posters have that alcohol is a problem for OP, otherwise she could just say, yeah fine, I can take or leave it and stop without any reluctance, even forever. It’s designed to make humans crave it which includes those ‘but I just enjoy it’ multiple weekly glasses of wine.

So if you don’t want to give up OP that’s ok, but you both may have to acknowledge that your relationship is doomed to fail if one has a huge problem, asks for help, but the other wishes to still consume this drug around them. But as has been suggested, please stop by the alcohol support threads, you will get much more practical and supportive advice there without any judgement. You shouldn’t have to change who you are or what you enjoy, but if you are both serious about saving your relationship, then there is a long way to go and a lot to discuss together, it could mean walking away from each other if you are not on the same page. I had to stop alcohol use for health reasons, my partner stopped automatically and was very happy to, our relationship wouldn’t have survived if he hadn’t. I’ve told him he doesn’t have to, but he wanted to. You both need to decide what you are willing to sacrifice for your relationship, and I mean both of you. Good luck.

How is saying it would be helpful if there was no alcohol in the house not asking the OP for help?

He has tried before with the OP still drinking at home and it hasn't worked. He isn't telling her to never drink again, just to not have alcohol at home. It really shouldn't be difficult.

I'd stop drinking, at least for a while. His health is more important and I think it's cruel and risky to drink in front of him.
I only ever drink socially now and feel much better.

I don't understand why you can't have a drink on the way home from work or over lunch out if you wfh.

I would support him initially but I would expect him to start going to AA meetings and counselling etc.

I'd prefer to give up my own few glasses of wine than be married to a problem drinker but as PPs have said, it's not your responsibility whether he drinks or not.

It's an addiction. Of course you can't have alcohol in the house if you want to help him, at least initially. What is more important to you, you partner's wellbeing or a couple glasses of wine?