AIBU to insist my son does his homework on the day he gets it?

[orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements]

DS has just started secondary school. I did make it clear to him that we will be taking homework seriously and that I will be stricter on a few things once he starts secondary school, he will be expected to take more responsibility and in return will get more freedom. I've been slowly trying to get him used to this over the last few months of primary and during the summer holidays.
His primary school didn't give out homework so it's new to him.

He's just been issued with his first piece of homework today. Once he arrived home (he cycles independently) and settled in a bit I reminded him he has homework (the school makes parents aware through an app) and told him that he needs to do it tonight. He was very resistant to this and said he has a week to do it so doesn't need to do it tonight. I said our rule for home, from me and his dad, not from the school, is to do homework on the day you get it so it doesn't mount up. Get it out of the way straight away - that's what I expect of him. He's not happy and says it's a stupid rule.

AIBU?

I would give him a chance to work out managing it himself first

It might be harder on him having had no primary school homework if others did have that and are used to it (no idea how many primary schools feed your secondary) but he will learn

School should have told you/ds how much homework he will get per week on average, so he can plan in time to cover it

If he manages, great. If not, then you might need to put a rule in like it has to be done at least 2 days before due

Bear in mind some kids work better doing it straight after school with their 'school work' head still on
Others absolutely need a bit of a break before tackling
Some prefer one task a day, others set aside a few hours on a weekend so they can chill after working a full day school

This is not an argument to have in the first week of senior school - there could be much bigger issues to come!

Imagine getting home after a long day at work that was stressful and being told you have to do the washing that evening that could wait to morning when you're feeling more yourself.

He has to learn to manage his own time.

What I did with ds was set up a shared google calendar. So if we had family plans he had to be involved in at weekends he was informed by a calendar alert so he knew not to leave 6 pieces of homework for a weekend we were out most of Saturday if he wanted to do something Sunday with friends or something.

They don't learn if they aren't given the chance to.

I agree with it being completed on the day it was given. The lesson previous to the homework will be fresh in their minds, and aids the absorption of the knowledge x

Mumsnetters, I have reluctantly relented.

I have taken the calendar we were given as a gift and have never used and hung it in DS's room. I've written down the day his first homework assignment is due, and told him from now on, he writes on the calendar when his homework is due and he makes sure it is done by that time. The first time he gets in trouble for homework not being done, it reverts back the the rule of doing it as soon as he gets it.

Thanks for all advice. It's been really useful. I was neglected and abused as a child and had I not been and had had parents that cared, I know for a fact I would have gone much further in life. I just want my DCs to feel the opposite of that, to know they have parents that care and to reach their full potential. It does give me a habit of over-managing at times but I still think that's better than the opposite.

Thanks again for all advice.

Well done OP. Just remember there’s lots of trial and error in learning anything, so if he’s learning to manage himself there’ll be plenty of that. Don’t be too rigid or he’ll just learn that he can’t do things for himself and needs you to step in for him. Think of the bigger picture of his life ahead.

Ah OP, you sound lovely and I completely understand with your background that you want so much better for your own kids, and it's easy to go a little too far the other way.

I think you've made the right choice, your son will feel great with the autonomy and responsibility I'm sure.

I hope he does great in secondary school and keep being a super caring Mum x

@orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements my parents were totally hands off and I wished someone had cared enough about my education to even ask if I had done the homework. I think depending on what your own upbringing was can influence your own approach. I posted above to say that I enforced a homework slot. My children were through the door at 3.30pm and dinner was at 7, that was plenty of time for chilling, homework, free time then family dinner then free time after that too. In balance not really a massive slot for homework compared to free time.

We had to sign DC's planner every week to confirm we had checked homework not just asked if it had been done. My friend's school has the same parental log in and parents are told to check the homework has been handed in.

Posters are making out that you will be all over him every day for the next 5 years. He has literally just started secondary and you are trying to set a good attitude toward homework and getting it done so it isn't hanging over him. Plus he could come home tomorrow with 3 more pieces of homework from other subjects.

Sounds like an excellent compromise.

And he knows you care because you've helped model it and given him trust he'll do it.

Sorry you had a crappy childhood.

That sounds like a great plan, OP - he's lucky to have you!

Just remember that none of this needs to be set in stone and it will take time for both of you to get into the groove of him being in secondary school.

You don't have to decide the best strategy for everything right now and you can keep everything under review as the situation evolves.

You sound like you're approaching everything in a very punitive way rather than a supportive way, which feels like a shame.

Sorry OP I missed your update. Great decision. Sorry to hear about your upbringing, that's horrific.

You shouldn't be micromanaging how he does his homework. How will he ever learn to manage his time for himself?? Sounds like a nightmare tbh

I agree it's a very good 'rule of thumb' to do homework as soon as possible after it's set. The main reason for this is that the work its based on will still be fresh in mind - if he comes back to it 6 days later, it's more likely he'll have forgotten any relevant work covered in class. A second reason is why gamble on the fact that he'll have time later in the week? He may get opportunities for fun things at weekend that means there's less time for homework. Of course, there needs to be some flexibility. If he gets 4 homeworks in one day, he may not be able to do all of them that evening, but it's a good principle to start with and should be encouraged.

Sounds like a plan OP!

Lovely update, OP. Always so nice when people genuinely want to hear feedback and views, and this is a great compromise.

You sound like a great Mum OP x

It’s ok in theory but it will quickly not work - some teachers give loads and there will be too much on some nights. Some assignments will need various stages or resources etc. I definitely think a good rule is some homework each night (unless of course he finishes so much so fast there’s none to do!) and that he should review any assignments given that day to do any that can be done/plan when to do them. You’ll be teaching him better life-long skills by that too.

I'm with you OP. I do the same with my younger DD who is 10 so still in primary. She's gotten into the healthy habit of getting over with HW asap. My older DD has ADHD and is a whole other story.

What you are trying to do is instil good habits not rule his life. Best to do this while he's still open to learning. Once it gets into the habit of last minute rush/copying from mates it's too late to teach him good ways.

That sounds like a good compromise OP. And if he does make a mistake he knows the consequence. Perhaps allow the swap back to strict rule to be for a finite amount of time.

Anyone who listens and reflects and give their child room to grow is someone who is a great parent. I think you’ve made the right decision to give him the chance to learn how to do this his own way. And he knows you have his back.

That sounds like a great plan xx

Well done @orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements

It takes a big person to listen to other people's opinions, and be open to trying out different ways of doing things.

parenting right there.

Thanks so much for all the kind words xx

I've not read anyone else's replies. There are folk who like to get everything done well in advance, there are folk who thrive on "just in time delivery" and there are those who sit somewhere in the middle. Since humans graced our planet, the two types have wound each other up.

He is 12. In my day, if homework wasn't done it was an automatic detention. the school can police that, you don't need to. Your job is to support and encourage him. a better question might be "when do you intend to do your homework?" "do you need any help with it?"...then drop the subject. He will face consequences if its not done at school, you don't need to punish him twice.

Assume your son gets to half term having completed every piece of homework, what reward were you thinking of for him? Carrots work better than sticks and constant nagging!

How would you feel if your hubby asked "have you done the ironing" every 30 mins...would that encourage you to do the ironing? If he asked "would you like a hand with the ironing? " How would that go down. //note i've picked a random chore, don't read into it further than that!.

Trust you son...give him some rope.

My son is in year 10, today he has got three pieces of homework. One due in Friday and two after the weekend. Rushing to do all three tonight wouldn’t make any sense and would mean none got done well. He has done the one for Friday tonight and the other two will probably be done by Sunday evening so he is starting next week fresh

Unless it has to be in the next day or a couple of days let him do it in his own time but not the day before. I used to do all of mine on a Sunday unless it had to be in by the next lesson later in the week. Forcing him to do straightaway when he has only just started getting homework is going to make him more resistant to doing it