AIBU to insist my son does his homework on the day he gets it?

[orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements]

DS has just started secondary school. I did make it clear to him that we will be taking homework seriously and that I will be stricter on a few things once he starts secondary school, he will be expected to take more responsibility and in return will get more freedom. I've been slowly trying to get him used to this over the last few months of primary and during the summer holidays.
His primary school didn't give out homework so it's new to him.

He's just been issued with his first piece of homework today. Once he arrived home (he cycles independently) and settled in a bit I reminded him he has homework (the school makes parents aware through an app) and told him that he needs to do it tonight. He was very resistant to this and said he has a week to do it so doesn't need to do it tonight. I said our rule for home, from me and his dad, not from the school, is to do homework on the day you get it so it doesn't mount up. Get it out of the way straight away - that's what I expect of him. He's not happy and says it's a stupid rule.

AIBU?

I'm with you op, especially with being a boy!!!
I wish I had enforced this when my 2 boys were at hs.

I think part of the benefit of homework is that it teaches time management and provides practice at independent study. Obviously you want to make sure he's doing it, especially as he's new to the concept of homework, but I think a hard-and-fast rule of making him do it on the same day when it doesn't have to be done that day removes part of the purpose of homework.

My experience of secondary school homework is that you often get 5 pieces in one day and then none the rest of the week. And that it's rare to have to hand it in next day, so learning how to spread it out across the week is a key skill.

Insisting it's done the day it's set just isn't necessarily practical.

Support would be making him understand what homework he has, when it is due and how long he thinks it might take. Then he needs to factor in other things he has on. He needs to understand if he can spontaneously go out to a friend's house one night, or whether he can't because he has homework that he needs to finish. If ends up working for hours because he's left everything to the last minute, he will learn not to do that again. When he has longer pieces of homework as he progresses up the school, he'll have an idea how to manage them.

I think it's a sensible rule, OP. It's called parenting. I'm shocked at the number of people here who seem to have abdicated their parenting responsibilities and decided that an 11-year-old is the best judge. It's the job of parents to teach their children good habits and getting on and doing tasks quickly and efficiently.

You need to give him the opportunity to work out his own learning style, rather than insisting on the way you think works best. Some kids will do best doing homework straight away, some (like me) do far better doing it at the last minute. Some people learn in very visual ways, some by writing down, some with strict timetables, some with music, some in silence etc.
Anecdotally, almost everyone I work with in a project based industry used to be a night before homework doer. It clearly suited us all as teens to work to a deadline in the way it does now at work.

For this situation, you are not being unreasonable. He really should not be leaving things to the last minute on his first day of school. Tbh in Year 7, not much will be given anyway but it is defo good practice for later on.

However, if he does get long or multiple assignments, let him have a break and space it out obviously. And if he seems genuinely tired, let him be as long as the work is in and not done too late.

I tried this. It just led to conflict and ds hiding his homework and avoiding it. Let him decide when to do it and assume good faith- whilst keeping a sharp eye out! Hopefully he will work out how to manage it.

ATC is a fantastic organisation, I volunteer for them but they're quite clear about the rules for joining...
Being a cadet | Royal Air Force Air Cadets (mod.uk)
"To be an Air Cadet you must be 13 years old, or 12 years old if you're already in year 8 in school or in S1 for those in Scotland."
I would double-check what was said about joining after Christmas because it's not a rule that squadrons can override. It will be picked up at wing level.

As frustrating as it is I think you need to let him figure out himself when to do it. Of course you can check the night before that he has in fact done it but other than that I would stand back and just offer your help if he needs it. He may miss a few, get in trouble and it could give him a kick up the arse for next time, but he’s still young and learning to manage his time won’t happen overnight.

Also people do have different learning techniques, I have always been a last minute type of person, just can’t focus on the task unless the clock is ticking. It hasn’t done me any harm, good school marks, 1st class degree and a successful professional. I’ve never missed a deadline or failed and exam. It’s just how I work best. Like others have said I probably wouldn’t be working to the best of my ability being forced to do something on someone else’s schedule.

Stop micro managing him. He doesn't do it, he learns the consequences naturally.

@orangesandlemonssaythebellsofstclements I'm with you.
My child did 2 hours homework each night for 7 years - at a grammar school which is one of the best performing in England.
It's easy to let things slide and there may be exams at Christmas.

Absolutely spot on. Great rule. It will only hang over him otherwise.

Have you tried sitting down with him and agreeing how he wants to tackle it? Make it a shared problem rather than a dictat from the top?

I know I would hate to be told what to do the second I got home from school/work.

I feel a little sad that he doesn't have any after school activities, but hopefully that will come with his new school.

You're deciding what kind of child you want to have and enforcing it on him.
Why not help him to work out how he wants to organise it, coaching him.
Would you like it if you were on your break and your boss or partner kept hassling you/forcing you about what they thought you should be doing? You'd tell them to go and take a hike!

It’s a good idea in theory and it does of course get it out of the way. It does depend on the homework as some are bigger projects that need research, reading time and time to collect materials etc.

Does he understand why you are suggesting doing homework on the night he gets it? (Though it is a pain when they are given a week to do it!)
What is he doing if he isn't doing homework and is it going to build up over the weeks?
Think the cadets might be a carrot approach for him. If he wants to do this, and rules have been adapted for him then he needs to show some maturity about his homework.

Mine were thrown in at the deep end by school when they started year 7. They had a LOT of homework… I was quite pushy with homework rules and standards for the first half term 😂 The school had a policy that homework had to be signed off by parents, so I had an excuse. My DC knew it was just to get them started and that once they had got the hang of managing their own time, I would leave them to it. It’s a lot easier IME to learn how to do that if someone teaches you good practice. Why is learning to manage time or research properly any different from learning French verbs or calculus? We don’t expect kids to learn those by experience or trial and error? We are all ND though so maybe what works for us is different.

We did the same for year 7 exams - made a revision plan together and taught them different revision techniques.

Of course, once they had a free reign, they slacked off and coasted 😂 But when they needed to get it together in GCSE years, they knew how best to work for them.

I think it's a great idea & I'm very much a 'do it now & get it out of the way' kind of person however my son is not! He is a 'last minute Larry' & to be fair to him he never forgot his homework & did well at school (he's now at college) so he still thinks my approach is wrong. Good luck x

As the teenager that left all homework to the last minute or ended up doing it in detention I think you're right to get him into the habit of getting it done and out of the way.

However I'd be flexible to a degree, you say this particular piece will take 5 mins so yes he gets it done today and out of the way. On the days he gets several pieces then he does the ones that are due first and works his way through them for a set amount of time then he can continue the next day so he's never spending all of his evening doing homework.

I wonder if you offer this as a compromise he will be more accepting and can see the reality of how long assignments actually take and enjoy the freedom of having finished it rather than never fully relaxing as it's still to be done.

My DS goes to a very homework-heavy school.

At the start of Year 7 I talked to him about planning homework;

1 Safest option - do it the day it is issued
2 Plan it for any night before it is due and hope you don't get another deadline that makes it hard to stick to the plan
3 Most risky - do it the night before the deadline

He tried 1 and failed to keep it up, so ended up scrabbling through 2 and 3. He ended up doing things on the bus on the way to school!

By Year 8 he was (mostly) doing the homework on the day it is set, and is still doing that now in Year 9. He never misses a homework or hands it in late (though o can't swear all pieces have maximum effort ).

Throughout it all, from the start of Year 7 I decided my role was a generic "got any homework you should be doing?" at some point most evenings and on a Sunday afternoon.

He is entirely self sufficient with regard to homework , and I put that down to him experiencing all the ways at failing to plan homework! He has seen what works and what doesn't, and settled on "his way". If I'd pushed a rule that he had to do it "my way", I think we'd still be fighting about it!

Let it go, let him fail while it's Year 7 and the worst consequence is a detention. Don't micromanage it now, and set him up with zero self sufficiency for when he has to plan revision etc later down the road.

Well done, it is not a stupid rule. It is the only rule if he is to make the most out of school and become an organised human being. Do not budge an inch!

Thay all works until the day he gets 4 sets of homework on the same night, all due in for a week later, and he has a club that night.

How does that work when he's in the school play and rehearsing till 9 pm? Or he's doing A levels and he's been set two long essays on the same day, both of which will take at least three hours to research and write?

They need to learn to manage their own time. Otherwise you'll still be standing over them doing it when they're 16.

Besides, individual teachers usually set homeworks on specific days, with the same deadline each week, and some teachers give shorter deadlines than others. So it makes much more sense for him to work out a rough weekly plan of which subjects he will do on which days of the week, rather than have a blanket 'do it on the night it's set' rule. This will make the workload more even across the week.

Then he will have learnt his lesson about time management. This is a big part of secondary school. If he gets a detention he will have to use that time to do the homework!