I don't like my engagement ring 😞 (pic)

[Marooney]

Last night my partner proposed, which was lovely. I often like simple and classic in general but this ring just feels so small and generic, I'm sad. Also I have quite big hands and I think the ring is kind of swamped. He went to choose it after work apparently and went to the shop he knows in town. He said if I didn't like it I could change it, but I've had a look at the shop's website and honestly they don't have anything I like better. I like more vintage styles (lots on Etsy that I like), bigger stone (could be moissanite, I don't mind if it's not valuable) and this shop just has modern looking things, this is the best of the lot. Unfortunately they only do exchanges, not refunds. Not sure what to do :( I guess the AIBU is AIBU for feeling disappointed with this ring, and AIBU for seeing if he minds me using the shop credit for some future birthday and Christmas presents (it was about £360) and looking for a ring elsewhere. Any other suggestions welcome 🙏🏼

I completely get it OP. I like antique jewellery too and that ring is very small and plain which would not be remotely my taste either. I've got sausage fingers and would have absolutely hated a tiny little stone. I chose a vintage sapphire gold ring with smaller diamonds either side so I could get a bigger stone and had a jeweller make a wedding ring set with diamonds that curved around it. 12 years later I still love it because it's me.
I would absolutely let him know and he has already told you you can choose something else.
At least he only popped into your local shopping centre as the extent of thought and effort put into buying it. Imagine if he had sweated over and commissioned a hugely expensive ring to his own design that took ages for some artisan jeweller to fashion.
And it was monstrous 😁

Tell him as soon as possible that you would prefer a different type of ring. If he is a keeper, he will understand and want you to be happy, rather than being offended that you don't like his choice.

I didn't like the ring that ex-DP proposed with. In fact, I didn't like the whole idea of 'being proposed to' as I think marriage is something you need to discuss and agree on, rather than it being something that a woman has to wait passively for a man to take the initiative on, but that's another matter.

But I didn't say anything because he tended to be over-sensitive and take things as a personal rejection. I knew he would be upset, and would probably think it was because it wasn't an expensive ring (I didn't care about cost, I just don't like diamonds no matter how big/small, don't go for conventional jeweller-shop type jewellery, and don't feel comfortable wearing rings anyway). So I said nothing, but probably didn't seem as thrilled as he hoped.

To cut a long story short, the fact that I didn't feel able to tell him that I didn't like the ring or the proposal was a symptom of deeper problems in our relationship, and we never got married in the end.

Using the shop credit for wedding rings and going somewhere else for an engagement ring you like sounds like a good solution.

Look it doesn't matter how many people think your current ring is lovely and they'd be happy with a haribo gummy ring etc etc.
You don't like it and you are the one who (hopefully!) has to wear it for the rest of your life. Surely your other half would hate for youvto spend decades wearing a ring you didn't even like and would ask why you didn't say anything?!

Gah! Jewellery is so personal. My now DH always chooses stuff I don't like - I have a stack of stuff that I wear seldomly and usually just to be kind. He did okay with my engagement ring - and it suits my personality. I wasn't blown away when he presented it to me but I decided that he chose it and probably spent ages doing so and the fact he wanted to marry me - all of these things were more important to me.

We've also been married getting on 20 years. (I promise I'm not as old as that makes me sound! 🤣)

This!

You can phrase it nicely but you shouldn't wear something for the rest of your life that you don't actually like!

Congratulations @Marooney

If he really is OK for you to switch it, could you jointly use the £360 back voucher for Christmas presents ie you pay your portion towards the £360 and find something together that you like so he can buy that?

I have to admit, I wasn't keen on my engagement ring until it was paired with a wedding band and a year later an eternity ring. I then loved them altogether but, 2 years before I loved it was hard....

I'm seriously into my jewellery so my partner didn't dare choose a ring for me when he proposed! Not that he actually,proposed, we just sort of decided that we'd avoided marriage for long enough and so we should just get in with it.

I'm using an antique diamond ring that I bought myself to celebrate a big work achievement as an engagement ring. I'd always worn that ring on my wedding finger anyway so 🤷‍♀️.

Anyway, I've found, with antique jewellery that you tend to get more bang for buck and if you look for art nouveau styles on Etsy, you get some really,interesting designs.

Jewellery is difficult I agree.

I like what I like!

Just because I have say pearl stud earrings doesn't mean I want pearl drop earrings or a pearl ring for example.

He already offered to change it if she doesn't like it. She's asking for advice on how to do that, because the SHOP is not being very helpful. Given that she will be wearing every day for decades, it's worth them seeing if they can get something she actually likes.

Op I really feel for you. I would struggle with a ring which felt unnatural but I have no idea how you address it with DP.

I like the ring, but that is irrelevant if you don’t like it. But what I wanted to raise is, if you can’t be open and honest about the ring with your fiancé now, how is communication going to work once you are married? I suggest you give this some serious thought before the wedding. Good luck!

Ummm …you’ll need a super amazing eternity ring later to put with your simple engagement ring….

once you get your sparkly wedding band and beautiful eternity ring , it will sit happily in the middle looking fab !

Are you aware of the widespread social convention of a marriage proposal?

I'd be gutted. I'm a huge fan of jewellery but I'm fussy and I wouldn't want a ring I hated either. I also have big hands/fingers and hate the look of small dainty rings on my hands. I'm also a bit of a self confessed diamond snob and would be disappointed with a high street jeweller's ring generally.

I think you're going to have to be honest and tell him that you're not keen and that you'd prefer it if you could choose something yourself together.

If £360 is his budget, could you offer to match it and get something fancier?

She’s got to wear it every day for the rest of her life; she has to like it!

Just to add that if you do change it, don't go for pearl as this is very delicate and not suitable for an engagement ring that you'll wear frequently.

Are pearls hardwearing enough to wear everyday on your finger?

You're the one who has to wear the ring, if you don't like it you don't like it. You don't need to feel bad about not liking something just because of its price or because of the occasion you receive it in.
If he doesn't know your taste then he could have asked what kind of rings you like instead of assuming that you would be forever gladful for any old ring regardless of if it was your actual style or not. All of this could have been avoided if he had done the tiniest bit of planning.

Personally I think it’s lovely on you and I like the style of the band. You could have a lovely wedding band and then an eternity band with sparkly diamonds so the whole set together would be substantial. It’s a classic style and timeless.

Bottom middle is very similar to mine. I love it.

I love that he made the gesture and a lovely romantic proposal, but if you don't feel the ring suits you you'll never be happy about it. After all, you wouldn't want your fiancé to choose your wedding dress either, would you? And that's a one day occasion dress, your rings you'll be hoping to wear for many decades!

He does sound like he wants you to be happy, which makes a huge difference. Would he be OK with going with you to another jewellery shop or looking at rings online, so he can see what style of ring you naturally gravitate to and hopefully buy you the one you really love? My DH and I went to choose a ring together, but he was mostly an interested spectator and happy to buy what I wanted. I don't think I would have been happy if I'd had to take what I was given, iyswim)

I think it’s lovely and similar to mine which cost around the same.
My husband chose it (we’ve been married years now) which means so much as I know he would have worried about getting it wrong, and it was all he could afford at the time.

Fair enough if you don’t like it, but keep it to yourself, why post on a public forum, what if he sees the thread, it would be a kick in the guts for him.

Bloody hell. It's a ring. Not your marriage.

Does he not like the look of big rings like the ones you like, on you? I'm not saying that should sway you at all btw, just wondering if it might be relevant. I like the rings in your pictures as pretty objects, but I know on me they'd look like big 'old lady' rings and I could imagine them making my hands look older. Again, not saying this should affect your personal choice at all, but I'm just wondering if there's a chance he chose something simple and classic because he thinks that suits you more than the chunky things you usually wear.