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Original poster

Husband spends night round woman's house but they are not attracted to each other

255 replies

Purplelady45 · 10/09/2024 09:28

My husband for a long time has spent Friday night around a couple's house, having a smoke and post-pub drink. He crashes on their sofa. Anyway... that couple split up a while ago and he still goes around, but now it is just her. He doesn't text me to tell me where he has gone, just does not come home. I told him I felt upset that he was spending the night around a woman's house, just the two of them. But he says, and I believe him it is purely a friendship and they are not in the least attracted to each other. Still, it just feels really wrong. I put it to him, if it was me doing this how would he feel? If I was spending the night around some man's house. The issue is he won't stop. As far as he is concerned it is a friendship and I should grow up.

OP posts:
AmIbeingTreasonable · 12/09/2024 01:19

Find yourself a platonic male friend and spend 1 night a week at his. I'm sure your husband will be fine with it 🤔🙄

suburberphobe · 12/09/2024 01:25

The issue is he won't stop. As far as he is concerned it is a friendship and I should grow up.

No, he should grow up. He's gaslighting you.

Get your ducks in a row and leave him before he pulls the rug from under your feet.

FOXYMORON1707 · 12/09/2024 01:37

Get the clown to fuck!

FOXYMORON1707 · 12/09/2024 01:43

Get him to fuck clown! CUNTS A JOKER .... is he called Colin?

MayNov · 12/09/2024 07:18

It’s time to wake up OP

westernlights · 12/09/2024 07:21

Where are your boundaries?

Find someone who is similar to you, he sounds grim.

MaroonedinWales · 12/09/2024 08:58

Frankly I'm shocked at most of these reply. If it was OK for him to stay with a couple before they broke up why is it dodgy to stay with the one with a vagina? We do not live in an Islamist state. Both men and women are capable of having opposite sex friendships without the constant urge to shag them. Pay less attention to Andrew Tate FFS and stop policing others lives.

Topshrunk · 12/09/2024 09:17

MaroonedinWales · 12/09/2024 08:58

Frankly I'm shocked at most of these reply. If it was OK for him to stay with a couple before they broke up why is it dodgy to stay with the one with a vagina? We do not live in an Islamist state. Both men and women are capable of having opposite sex friendships without the constant urge to shag them. Pay less attention to Andrew Tate FFS and stop policing others lives.

Ok but your DH isn’t doing that to you is he? I’m all for female friends but sleeping at a woman’s house rather than going home to your own woman is bizarre. To me he is showing where he would rather be, off he fucks

Leela100 · 12/09/2024 09:42

oh my sweet summer child, you are being a bit dim here, he’s definitely shagging her and you are basically allowing it to happen

Thursdaygirl · 12/09/2024 10:23

Bogginsthe3rd · 10/09/2024 16:57

Unless you have an problem with him having regular weekly sex with someone else, I don't see the issue here.

Fair point!!!

SweetSakura · 12/09/2024 11:31

MaroonedinWales · 12/09/2024 08:58

Frankly I'm shocked at most of these reply. If it was OK for him to stay with a couple before they broke up why is it dodgy to stay with the one with a vagina? We do not live in an Islamist state. Both men and women are capable of having opposite sex friendships without the constant urge to shag them. Pay less attention to Andrew Tate FFS and stop policing others lives.

Lol. Why do you reckon the couple split up in the first instance?

It's perfectly healthy to set boundaries in a relationship. If the other person doesn't like those boundaries they are free to leave the relationship

MCal174 · 12/09/2024 13:09

Ahh now c'mon, truth is out there, time to face up to it or continue lying to yourself. You wouldn't of posted otherwise.

ChiliFiend · 12/09/2024 13:16

The question is not whether or not they are shagging - they might be, or they might be just friends. The red flag here is your husband minimising your (objectively reasonable) discomfort with the situation. Your relationship as husband and wife should be the most important relationship, and he should be putting your feelings first on this one.

MaroonedinWales · 12/09/2024 13:21

I don't know why the other person left the relationship and guessing you don't either...
Set boundaries by all means but these seem to be a new set prompted by the departure of one party. You seem to be promoting 'cuddly' boundaries that only apply in this case when you do not believe the lack of intent on husbands side. This wasn't in question before to the best of my knowledge.

Smallmerciesandallthat · 12/09/2024 14:38

ChiliFiend · 12/09/2024 13:16

The question is not whether or not they are shagging - they might be, or they might be just friends. The red flag here is your husband minimising your (objectively reasonable) discomfort with the situation. Your relationship as husband and wife should be the most important relationship, and he should be putting your feelings first on this one.

Shagging or not the OPs husband is spending the whole night in a flat with another woman. Thankfully my DH wouldn't dream of socialising alone with another woman unless I was there. It's a matter of respect.

Tessabelle74 · 12/09/2024 19:16

Sweet summer child, he's 100% shagging her

Mumontop · 13/09/2024 00:53

His continuation of this arrangement despite your concerns rings alarm bells. He has placed this friendship above your feelings. He has prioritised this connection above that of your marriage. You are not unreasonable. His behaviour is .... and has sent a strong signal to this woman that she is his priority.

vivvyenn · 13/09/2024 18:44

I'm sorry to say that this happened to me. (Now ex) husband used to 'crash' at a woman's house, with the excuse that she house-shared with a friend of his. He would even crash there when his friend was away, so just her in the house. He made me feel stupid for questioning him, told me they were just friends, he didn't fancy her etc etc. A few months later, I discovered through another friend of his that when I and my children would drop him off at the sports centre to play squash with this particular friend, he was actually meeting the woman; he had the audacity to have his wife and children deliver him to his mistress. I filed for divorce and he moved straight in with her. I used to find texts on his phone (yes, I did check as I KNEW he was having an affair but had no proof) where she would be asking him what he wanted for his dinner, like she was his wife. It totally messed with my head. Maybe this isn't the case for you, but I am seeing huge red flags; if he knows it upsets you he should stop doing it, regardless of how innocent it is...his priority is to you and his marriage.

MustWeDoThis · 13/09/2024 23:22

Purplelady45 · 10/09/2024 09:56

Yeah we do actually. No I was not really friends with them as I'm not into drinking and smoking I find it boring. And smoking makes you wrinkly

Show quote history

Smoking makes you wrinkly? ...and all the rest...cancer etc...you do sound very gullible and naive. He's hopping into bed with you and this other woman- He's having his cake and eating it.

Have you spoken to the ex-partner about why they split and aired your concerns to them? Change the locks and don't let him back in. If he wasn't having sex with this woman then he wouldn't be so defensive about not going there. He's defensive because stopping going would mean losing Friday-F*ck-night.

chubbychopsticks · 14/09/2024 00:07

its not unusual to have male friends you’re not interested in, generally it’s a one sided feeling.

But…

I think if you’re posting this question to Mumsnet you are not comfortable with DH staying at his female friend’s house. I’d go with your gut. Because you know what’s going on.

FerreroFan · 14/09/2024 05:13

OP, I don't know a single person who would be OK with the situation you described. No, It is not normal for a husband to stay overnight every week with another woman - it doesn't matter what they are doing.

Your DP is disrespectful of your feelings and is gaslighting you.

You need to think about why you are doubting yourself rather than immediately putting a stop to his unacceptable behaviour.

Thursdaygirl · 14/09/2024 06:42

Was he round there last night?

Findinganewme · 14/09/2024 12:17

Why doesn’t he tell you when he is going there? That’s an issue, in my eyes.

Bored86 · 14/09/2024 12:32

Don’t be so stupid. Open your eyes.

Moanyoldmoan · 14/09/2024 13:23

CocoPlum · 10/09/2024 09:36

Oh my husband did this with a single female friend of his a couple of times, I would wake up and find him not having returned from a night out, but it was innocent and they were just friends, he stayed because she was drunk and he was concerned about her.

They live together now.

This happened to me too. I naively thought she wouldn’t be his type. They are also now living together!