Husband spends night round woman's house but they are not attracted to each other

[Purplelady45]

My husband for a long time has spent Friday night around a couple's house, having a smoke and post-pub drink. He crashes on their sofa. Anyway... that couple split up a while ago and he still goes around, but now it is just her. He doesn't text me to tell me where he has gone, just does not come home. I told him I felt upset that he was spending the night around a woman's house, just the two of them. But he says, and I believe him it is purely a friendship and they are not in the least attracted to each other. Still, it just feels really wrong. I put it to him, if it was me doing this how would he feel? If I was spending the night around some man's house. The issue is he won't stop. As far as he is concerned it is a friendship and I should grow up.

Yes sorry I was wowing at what she said, honestly men!

Not offended, it was more "please don't think i still believe that" 😆

oh wow - time to wake up OP

dump his ass

hes being disrespecful at the very least and probs shagging her!!

It’s possible - but unlikely. I do feel you are making excuses for him

You're not at all into drinking and smoking but he is, to the extent that he's regularly away from home overnight once a week. Surely that's a huge deal in a relationship?

Plenty of decent guys in the world OP for you to enjoy the future with

There's no way of knowing on the evidence in this thread.

On the face of it they could be just friends and the idea of anything more than a platonic hug is beyond the pale.

On the other hand there's a 'frisson of possibility' around a friendship with someone of the sex to whom one is attracted.

Do you trust him not to get 'drawn in' or to say a firm NO if she tries to push the boundaries?

My issue isn't with him spending time with another women. Men and women can have platonic relationships. My issue is the complete disrespect in not informing you where he is and that he's not coming home. I would have an issue with this if my husband is was doing this with a male friend.

I think it's important for couples to have friends outside of the relationship and I like it when my husband goes out with his friends. All I ask is he lets me know what time he'll be home or if he's staying out and preferably to let me know his intentions before he goes out so I don't worry if I fall asleep and wake to him not home. I do the same when I'm out, neither of us minds if plans change. We are a team and we respect eachother to communicate our plans. Just like if I was running late coming home from work.

You have communicated your insecurities around this issue and he's not being respectful towards them. If you can't find some middle ground on this then I would suggest seeking some therapy together or it's likely to spiral.

Why do you always have to be so rude? OP comes on here to get clarity and you respond with insults. Every single time.

You seem to get a kick out of being nasty to women. Change the record.

Ask him to invite this woman round to yours next Friday and see what kind of response you get. It could just be a friendship but he should be more honest with you about where he's going etc.

Unpopular opinion here... if you believe him and it's just a friendship, I don't see the problem with him seeing her.

I'm wondering what he would be doing if he wasn't with her, and if its the fact that he's not spending his time doing that that's the problem.

I would expect my husband to want to be with me over a friend (male or female) every Friday night. Of course see a friend but not every Friday night?! Just seems odd to me.

If he’s not forthcoming with more information or changing his habits you should pick a night and not tell him where you’re going or pretend you’re going out with colleagues or something. See how he reacts. That’s just what I would do though - might not be your style.

Nonetheless I think it’s disrespectful even if nothing is going on between them.

No no no!! You are NOT being unreasonable! What in the ballpark is he upto?
Too many pieces of the jigsaw missing here though..... Were these ever mutual friends of yours? Do you even know this woman and where she lives? It would be helpful to have a bit of context.
I must admit though, my smutty mind initially thought "threesome" situation. Obviously not the case now i guess.
So your husband thinks it's ok to abandon you (and kids?) EVERY Friday to stay with this lady friend. For what reason? Is she going through a difficult time? Is your marriage in trouble, and he's leaning on her as some kind of emotional crutch? If she's just a friend why aren't you both socialising with her as a couple? Weird. It may well be platonic, but why is he being so cloak and dagger about it?
Has he not given you any form of explanation whatsoever? Something really not right about this situation, and he has the temerity to tell you to "grow up."
I think personally i would want to have a one to one chat with this woman, and then at least i could make an informed decision on the future of my relationship.

So it's OK for a married man to spend lots of time with another woman under the pretext its 'just a friend'Thankfully the vast majority of posters here don't agree. A coffee or lunch if work is involved is absolutely fine. A social evening in a bar or going out for a meal, theatre etc involves a degree of intimacy which crosses a line & is disrespectful to the respective spouses.

Do you know where she lives? Do you drive?

The main bit in all of your posts @Purplelady45 is the very last line in your starting post.... As far as he is concerned it is a friendship and I should grow up.

No, in a relationship it is fine to discuss how things make us feel in a mature and adult way. It's not okay for one partner to shut down any discussion and tell their wife to grow up.

Personally, his response is quite telling and he clearly places his relationship with her above his relationship with you. For me, I'd be out at that point.

The fact it was based on pre pub drinks and smoke with the 'couple' and he'd crash there is understandable. But the fact now they've split up and he just gets up and leaves and 'doesn't communicate with you' I would find that questionable! The fact you have confronted him over it and he 'refuses' to put you first over this situation...definate NO! Having friends is one thing; putting this ''friend'' before you is another! He needs to get his priorities in order!

If there is nothing going on, then why doesn’t she come back to your house for a change?

Weirdest thing I’ve heard in a long time.

Why on earth are you putting up with this?

Chances are his female friend and her partner have split up because of her closeness to your husband and it’s time for you to do the same.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong having friends of either sex outside of being a couple. In fact for me I think having some separate lives is essential but every single Friday?? Presume you both work so one of the nights you could have together without needing to get up early the next day, he’d rather smoke cannabis with another woman and end up too stoned to come home - every single weekend!! And when you tell him it’s not normal he tells you to grow up??

Fuck that!

Why does he have to sleep there ??

I can't believe he's still your husband to be honest.

How do you know?
The only people who can really know what goes on between 2 people is the 2 people themselves.

I find that arrangement completely disgusting.

Who the hell drinks wine with Chinese food?!?

Go and spend the night at one of your single male friends house

Whats good for the Goose and all that

This. Why stay with a dope head, especially if there are children involved. The other woman (whom he's probably shagging) is the least of your problems.