Husband spends night round woman's house but they are not attracted to each other

[Purplelady45]

My husband for a long time has spent Friday night around a couple's house, having a smoke and post-pub drink. He crashes on their sofa. Anyway... that couple split up a while ago and he still goes around, but now it is just her. He doesn't text me to tell me where he has gone, just does not come home. I told him I felt upset that he was spending the night around a woman's house, just the two of them. But he says, and I believe him it is purely a friendship and they are not in the least attracted to each other. Still, it just feels really wrong. I put it to him, if it was me doing this how would he feel? If I was spending the night around some man's house. The issue is he won't stop. As far as he is concerned it is a friendship and I should grow up.

Maybe innocent now but unlikely to stay that way. You need to be firm about this

Every week?

I don't understand why he can't just come home? Even before the couple split up

Regardless of whether they are sleeping together, he doesn't care about your feelings. Time to find someone who does.

Oh OP tell him to pack his bags the disrespectful dickhead. Okay say he's not shagging her BUT you've made it very clear that you're not comfortable with the situation so he should listen to you and stop. Every Friday night?!! Selfish prick. I could not sit at home on Friday night knowing he's there with another woman drinking and smoking and god knows what else.

I think one of my favourite memories of this time is when he took the day off as our childminder wasn't available and looked after our DD. I then found out from my TWO YEAR OLD that they'd met up with that woman and her child.

I think his reasoning was it was SO irrelevant that he'd just forgotten to mention it.

He sounds like a catch ! Please don’t be so naive and gullible . They aren’t just hanging out and sleeping on the sofa . For all intent and purposes this is so so inappropriate . Would he be ok if you crash at a guy friend’s place over night ? It’s time for you to find someone who respects and loves you enough to never put you in a position like this ..instead of asking you to ‘grow up’ etc

Sorry OP. Sounds like he's gaslighting you. Trust your instinct; if you're feeling disrespected, then respect yourself enough to move on x

This, wishing you strength OP

I wouldn't accept it, unless it is a long time friend that you know well and have spent time together with as a couple. But even then, I'd find it suspicious.

I believe we all have the right to choose how to manage a relationship, so if you're not happy with it, if it turns on red flags then follow your gut instinct and do something about it .

Possibly there is an attraction, otherwise he'd be the first one to involve YOU to put clear boundaries and get out of embarrassment or misunderstandings.

As a woman, I'd turn up unexpectedly with or without an excuse, to see what is happening with my own eyes and check their reaction.
It also would be a message that this man is already in a relationship.

Who knows what kind of stories he tells about your relationship with him...better go and see.

In general I've seen rarely this type of situations being innocent in general.
I'd check myself.
YANBU

It sounds like it started so you could get some sleep before work without him disturbing you by stumbling in drunk from the pub?

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. I have learnt to never ignore my gut instinct and if he is ignoring your request, ask him, how would you feel if I was sleeping on a male friends coach every week?

I have a lot of male friends. I often think that society had a ridiculous viewpoint on male / female friendships - and yet I would never do this and would never allow a male friend to crash at mine at a regular basis when he has a whole wife at home.

Sorry but I think they are having an affair.

I have a bridge in London to sell you.

Probably just get pissed and blazed together. Wouldn't worry about it to much just what some people do. Mumsnet always just assumes every bloke is guilty and suggests divorce straight away.

I wouldn't be ok with it but my husband wouldn't ever do that and he knows I'd never crash at a guy friends home on a regular basis and not even tell him I'm not coming home. It's a respect thing. You don't have to be ok with it if you aren't.

This man sounds like a complete loser and totally disrespectful. The fact he leaves you to do this every Friday. What about your Friday night? Also what a lovely start to your weekend. Husband off stoned till 4 am then presumably like a wet dish rag after for the entire weekend. Nevermjnx the fact he really sounds like he’s cheating on you if not physically emotionally and the fact the husband has left and he’s still meeting her says it all. How come he doesn’t meet her ex instead??

As a pansexual person, does this mean that if I stay at any friend's house overnight I'm shagging them? Yes, it's possible, but it's not such a foregone conclusion as people seem to think.

Get rid now what are you thinking!

Could they have been having a threesome and now there's just the two of them? Sorry if this has been asked in other comments but there's too many to read. I definitely wouldn't be ok with this.

Your next step depends on whether you trust your husband or not.

1. If you trust him, and believe him when he says he's not attracted to her, then I don't see a problem. He's doing what he's always done and having a night out with a mate.

2. If you don't trust him, and don't believe him when he says he's not attracted to her, then.....why are you with him in the first place? You should not be with someone you don't trust 100%.

You either trust him, or you don't. End of story.

Im sorry, your DH doesnt sound very considerate. In general other than this is life wonderful with him? If so and nothing is going to change it would have to be something to just deal with. But if you have other issues or generally unhappy this would seem like the last straw wouldnt it? I myself would be keen to talk to the ex husband of the other woman. If he isnt hanging out with your husband anymore I would like to know why. Id be up front and say, hey how come you and DH arent hanging out on fridays anymore, its just him and your ex lady. Its one thing to not want to smoke and drink, but its always a good idea to get to know the people who are around your spouse. He may divulge more than you bargained for, but better than beating around the bush!

This!!

From what you said I don’t think the fact it’s a woman on her own is an issue in all likelihood they are probably just getting stoned. I would have a real problem though with my husband spending one night a week away from me. Sounds like he needs to grow up.

I had very similar thing happen. My gf (now ex) used to go to her "friends" house to have a smoke and drink. I was fine with it until I realised that her friend used to go to bed and it was just my gf(now ex) and her friends partner (now ex). It all come out later that they was at it for nearly a year. They now have two children together 🙃They're only sorry when they're caught

Oh COME ON!!!!!
Please girl, look deep within yourself and rifle through the cobwebs to find your self respect.
Now get a bin liner, throw his stuff inside and drop it outside her house next Friday night when he is already there.
Then go home, grab a glass of wine, uber eats and watch a movie. And pat your back.