Husband spends night round woman's house but they are not attracted to each other

[Purplelady45]

My husband for a long time has spent Friday night around a couple's house, having a smoke and post-pub drink. He crashes on their sofa. Anyway... that couple split up a while ago and he still goes around, but now it is just her. He doesn't text me to tell me where he has gone, just does not come home. I told him I felt upset that he was spending the night around a woman's house, just the two of them. But he says, and I believe him it is purely a friendship and they are not in the least attracted to each other. Still, it just feels really wrong. I put it to him, if it was me doing this how would he feel? If I was spending the night around some man's house. The issue is he won't stop. As far as he is concerned it is a friendship and I should grow up.

Telling you to grow up when he's the one acting like a teenager every Friday night 🙃 I'd be telling him to pack his shit and go live with her

I would be more uncomfortable that he doesn't communicate with you, than him having a female friend.

Staying away for the night and not telling you where he is is awful. As is telling you to 'grow up'.

If I felt insecure about one of my DH's female friends, he would listen to me and would stop seeing her in a heartbeat if it was making me feel that way.

That attitude towards me is what makes me able to trust him. I know that I come first. The reality is that I never need to ask him about anything like this because I feel secure - I am fine with everything he does and if I'm not, we'd talk about it like adults who care for and respect one another.

That is how it should be, OP. It's the defensiveness and cutting you out that is concerning - he's not respecting your feelings at all or trying to understand.

Where do you see any mention of flirting?
I don't care if my partner stays with a man, a woman or a zebra. But I wouldn't be happy if he was out every Friday and then stayed overnight without as much as letting me know. This is the issue. The woman is a red herring.

I'm on the fence with this one because I know weed smokers who do just get stoned with the opposite sex and there's no sex involved. Presumably he's too stoned to get home safely?

My husband is three decades older.
I'm 45 and both are content with the tiny sex life we have got.
This situation - I wouldn't have it for a minute just for the pure lack of respect.

What question?
You need to quote people when you're replying.

Yes, I think that is the thing. I don't smoke that stuff.

Would he wake you up coming in? As said I do know weed smokers who have these arrangements when on partakes and the other doesn't.

Doesn't matter why he's going there.

He's completely disregarding your feelings and being rude to you.

It's not ok for him to tell you to 'grow up'. If he cares about you, he should be listening to you and trying to understand your feelings.

Can you say who you are saying yes to as it makes it hard to follow please.

Do you have dc?

I think that this isn't something most on MN will get. Normally I say don't be naive, but I'd say the best thing you could do is observe them together. My DD has male friends who she used to smoke with. My son-in-law didn't object. She's now stopped. As asked, how are the rest of things in your relationship?

Dump him.

What are they waiting for? Feelings to develop? Sounds like either feelings have developed or that HE has feelings for her.

Would he be okay with you doing the same?

Does he only smoke it on a Friday then?

Yeah we do actually. No I was not really friends with them as I'm not into drinking and smoking I find it boring. And smoking makes you wrinkly

OP, you can't be this gullible.

Have you ever heard the phrase, "Having his cake and eating it". I wouldn't dream of entertaining someones husband unless their wife was there too. Absolutely not. There is a point where trust ends and stupid begins.

Patronising. The smoking doesn't make a difference, OP.

Ok so he's smoking weed at theirs / hers .

Tbh if you accepted it when they were a couple and you wouldn't mind if it was the guy and you don't believe he'd cheat, I think it's unreasonable to complain just because she's female.
If you don't trust him not to cheat, you need to end the relationship.
For me the issue would be the whole concept in principle and I wouldn't tolerate it

You wouldn't trust yourself to entertain a man without a woman there to stop you having sex with him?

Do you have kids? if not, why are you staying with a dope head?

I can't believe what I just read - dump him. Seriously. Disrespectful, cruel, moronic.

Please tell me you don't have kids with this man and it's going to be fairly easy for you to walk away? He has no respect for you.

The mind doesn't half boggle.

Isn't your husband a lucky man, his loyal wife gets the privilege of having him during the week then when he wants to act like a teenager drinking and smoking with his bit on the side on a Friday night, he knows you won't do anything about it because you've swallowed his BS about them not being attracted to eachother. How dare you expect him to throw you a scrap of consideration by at least letting you know he won't be coming home. 🙄

Honestly op bin him off. He sounds awful. Just free yourself for better things!!!! X