Husband spends night round woman's house but they are not attracted to each other

[Purplelady45]

My husband for a long time has spent Friday night around a couple's house, having a smoke and post-pub drink. He crashes on their sofa. Anyway... that couple split up a while ago and he still goes around, but now it is just her. He doesn't text me to tell me where he has gone, just does not come home. I told him I felt upset that he was spending the night around a woman's house, just the two of them. But he says, and I believe him it is purely a friendship and they are not in the least attracted to each other. Still, it just feels really wrong. I put it to him, if it was me doing this how would he feel? If I was spending the night around some man's house. The issue is he won't stop. As far as he is concerned it is a friendship and I should grow up.

Not a chance I’d put up with this. Just read this out to my DH and he pointed out that it’s an insult to you OP - if you other half prefers to spend time in another woman’s company, tell him to go and spend all of his time with her. Nothing to do with “insecurities”, it’s about respect.
I echo @Comedycook - the chance that they’re not shagging is miniscule.

I’m sorry but something is off here. Is he still kipping on their couch then I’d have to go knock at 3 in the morning with an emergency and see just where he’s slept. I’d also be routing her ex out to find out what happened.
he certainly wouldn’t be doing this to begin with never mind once they’d split and you clearly find something off to ask the question

He's not being a good life-partner, OP. He's not bothered about how you feel to make a small change in his own routine. He puts his drinking and smoking (every week?!) at a higher level of importance than the happiness and security of his wife. To tell the truth, the frequent drinking and smoking weed would be enough to put me off, and that's before we get to his total lack of respect for your feelings.

Men don’t have close friendships with women they don’t fancy. They just don’t.

I hope you're practicing protected sex so you don't catch something off him/them. This is nasty

Dear OP, love yourself. You have value and worth. DUMP him!!! You will be happier, believe me. Always trust your gut! Just read what everyone is saying here, common sense does not lie. If people´s comments are the confirmation that you needed, take courage and rebuild your life.

OP even if by a very slim chance they’re not having an affair he’s still absolutely taking the piss out of you and your marriage.

I have several really good male friends. My closest I’ve been friends with for 20 years and we’re both currently single but I’d still never invite him over every week to spend the night. Hell I wouldn’t invite anyone over every week - and when he’s in a relationship I step back out of respect for the gf.

This set up isn’t normal in most peoples world

If he prefers time at her place instead of with you at home. What is he smoking, and is she his dealer?

I voted YABU because YABU if you believe for a minute that he’s not shagging her

Omg what the hell pack his bags and sling it to the doorstep fuck him right off he is a total asshole and clearly fucking her

Are you really confident there’s nothing going on, OP? Because if so, what is it that you think is disrespectful about it now that wasn’t before? I wonder if your dislike of it is actually because you have a spider sense that there might be something going on.

DH is bisexual so I don’t immediately go to the - it must be dodgy if he’s staying over at a single woman’s place mindset, because any single person would be a red flag if I held to that, and that’s no way to live. I understand why, culturally, many people think that way, but I think it’s pretty restrictive - pushing people towards only same-sex friendships. Which just isn’t how I want to live, (and ditto with my DH).

But I wouldn’t be happy about a partner I lived with staying out without letting me know (whoever he was staying with). And I would have a raised alertness about staying with someone who’s newly separated until I’d witnessed enough to think there wasn’t some rebound attraction on their part. Even though I trust my DH not to be unfaithful, I would find it disrespectful and unappealing for him to hang out alone with someone who was coming to him. Because that’s him looking for a sexual ego boost from someone who isn’t me and ignoring his friend’s need to move on (which means not encouraging an unrequited crush).

Whether they are shagging or not i bet they are it's quite reasonable and sensible to have some boundaries in a marriage.

Why are you with this man?

There's no way on earth I'd put up with a situation like this! Even if they aren't shagging (you're kidding yourself if you genuinely believe they aren't), he's being massively disrespectuful to you and you're letting him walk all over you.

Maybe that why she split from her partner, he couldn't live with it - no matter how you you dress this up, he is, was or will be doin the hokey pokey !

Well they can have and fool themselves they’re best as close/best platonic male/female friends but in my experience and opinion they’ve both been attracted to me, or any other woman they know like this at least initially.

This. And if you fo have kids, wtf is he doing this weekly?

If they are no longer a couple why is he going to her home and not the new home of the male part of the ex couple?
And this.

FYI my ex had a best friend, they went out regularly before we met and I struggled to process it after we became a couple - I did meet this friend and while not a 'threat' they'd still meet but less often.
Looking back, i would suggest places to dine and partner often declined - after a big fallout, i found card receipts from some of the restaurants......hey ho !

Sorry but no, I have let a man take the piss out of me for the last 17 years but this just takes the biscuit! You deserve better

😂🤣🤣 very innocent

Mumsnetters have communicated on this board that they expect men to meet certain minimum standards before initiating a relationship, and they are also disgusted by married men... yet, every mumsnetter seems to also be convinced that women's clothes just magically fall off for any man who crashes for the night at their home.

wow!

I hope you know I was being very tongue in cheek about the innocence!

I wish I'd been on MN at the time and later when he gave me what I later learned was The Script ...

I realised it was tongue in cheek once I got to the last line.
I hope you are not offended by the laughing emojis, and hope you are much happier now!
Mumsnet can be eye opening...

Not laughing at the coco plum!
Laughing emoji directed at the lies cheaters ckme up with (I know I've heard some on my day)