School banning banter

[Citrusblast92u]

DS is in year 11. They had a whole school assembly yesterday's entitled 'banning bants', this includes banter between friends. One strike and they're in detention, 2 and they have to attend a workshop, 3 and parents have to attend the workshop, 4 and the police are called.

I asked him what they meant by bants and he said anything that anyone might find offensive. His mates have spent many hours at our house. They're a lovely bunch of lads, very polite and kind but their main form of communication with each other is piss taking.

Just after some opinions really rather than an AIBU.

Yabu-banter should be banned
Yanbu-they can't ban banter

I think it’s not really ok to police this stuff. You can’t just stop people talking about things or direct what is appropriate discussion or not (within reason). If a child has an issue with things that are being said then of course that should be dealt with on a case by case basis but you can’t just have an arbitrary blanket ban on “banter”

DS is 15 and has a lovely group of friends that all seem to genuinely care for an support eachother BUT I hate some of the things they say to eachother at times. They all have eachothers backs and teachers/parents all say what a nice group they are and they seem to hoover up anyone new or who is feeling a bit lost but it still seems as if they are a bit harsh sometimes with nicknames etc
I have spoken to DS about it and told him to make sure nobody crosses a line but I have been told that I don't understand that its just how boys speak to eachother and unlike with girls its just banter with no malice behind it.
So while I DO think this is a good idea in principle I would hate DS to get into trouble for using a nickname for his best mate who he has spent hours helping through his first break up for or his other mate who he arranged a day out for after the loss of a Grandparent for example.

we have recently seen on here a post where a child who was a football team star said to his friends "I'm not joining the choir because they are all gay" I could well imagine the respose to being corrected being "aww miss it was just banter"

“Banter” is a way of blaming the “victim”, for thier own bullying. It’s “your fault” as you have no sense of humour, you should find it funny .

The sooner Bantz disappears the better

Imagine normalising consistently calling someone an idiot and not considering if we maybe want to discourage that? I know kids whose lives have been hell because of supposed 'banter'.

In my workplace a lot of “banter” would be classified as offensive and we’ve all had active bystander training to speak up against these micro- aggressions.
Who gets to decide if its a micro aggression? The person who it's being directed at or can someone else in the vicinity such as the 'trained active bystander' decide and report off their own back?
E.g my colleague calls me a short-arse, because I can't reach a shelf.. not offensive to me, but could the active bystander report them?

Micro aggression is a nonsense term, either something is offensive or it isn't.

Probably both tbh.
Some folk are so used to being the butt of other's jokes that they don't realise they can speak up. Ideally the bystander might ask them, privately, if they are ok with what's happening and remind them that it is ok to speak up.

I agree with many posters that genuine cases of bullying are passed of as 'bantz' and that clearly needs to stop.

The children would be much better served by the school providing education on what constitutes banter and what constitutes bullying, and how the way in which someone has banter may cause harm and actually be bullying. Have discussions on where that line is.

Banning banter though is just ridiculous. Can a lad not gently rib his mate when his football team loses or is fantasy football pick was a dud? The job of parents and educators is to prepare children for adult life. I'm not sure going around like the care bears will do that.

The only people I have ever heard justifying banter or bants are people who enjoy offending others

Yes, I’m there - DS16 and an older adult son as well.

And yes, we’ve tackled this as mine and his mates are similar. I’ve issued lots of reminders about not making it relentless, although to be fair it doesn’t seem to be so, and not using it to get at other students.

It’s not banned as such in our school but if it was I’d support it as I would assume there had been a problem. I don’t have an issue with group rules like this. We had to do all class litter pickups when I was at school because some kids dropped their litter. It’s not a big deal. Schools are facing tough situations and it’s often more manageable to put a clear rule in place rather than to try to adjudicate intention and level.

Just tell your DS to knock it on the head in school time and on social media if he’s on that.

This is absolutely to draw the line between ‘banter’ and bullying.
Last year, a girl with all her friends would call my DD fat, a lesbian, gay etc (not all at the same time) and if she got upset it was, what’s up with you it’s just for bantz. This girl posed as her friend, it later moved on to more pronounced bullying.
I guess the key here is, it’s unlikely anyone is going to know what’s said between friends unless one of them reports it. First offence is a warning, that’s when everyone knows not everyone is happy with the situation.

Genuinely don't think this is the type of 'banter' the school are referring to. Perhaps op can clarify. It can only be reported to the police if it's hate speech. And hate speech has no place in schools, so the teachers are well within their right to deal with it harshly. After all, they're utilising 4 strikes and out - only the serial (and presumably most serious) offenders will necessitate a report to the police.

Call the police for banter - what? 😬😬 Can you imagine the police being called on hundreds of kids. They rarely respond for actual crimes. Do the school honestly think this is a good use of police time and resources? Is this the same for their bullying policy. Unless I’m missing something this is utter madness.

@CBAMumma

There is a huge difference between a gentle bit of 'poking fun' and tormenting/bullying someone.

Please can you give examples of what the difference is?

Is calling someone an idiot- gentle bit of poking fun or bullying

Is calling someone fatty - gentle bit of poking fun or bullying

Is calling someone gay - gentle bit of poking fun or bullying

I asked him what they meant by bants and he said anything that anyone might find offensive.

Banning people making offensive comments is absolutely the right thing to do.

Too many people make offensive comments (usually racist, sexist or homophobic) and then use the excuse it’s just for ‘bantz’ - no it isn’t and just because you say that afterwards doesn’t make it any less offensive.

IMO banter does often mean bullying and trying to get away with it.

That being said ‘anything anyone finds offensive’ is far too wide ranging - and makes me feel slightly nervous a school would do that.

Slippery slope and all that.

Indeed.

School: Yes officer, that's right, Jonny called Micky Bambi on ice after he slipped during a game of football

Officer: Is this the first time Jonny has done this?

School: No, yesterday morning he welcomed a student to class who had missed the bus and thus late by 20 minutes by saying "good afternoon, Jess!"

Officer: Riiiiiiight. I'll be right over with the dogs and riot gear. Its not like we have a knife crime epidemic or anything!!!

Another example is kids referring to men who are a bit different as 'paedo'. Many will excuse this as kids being kids (we all knew a slightly eccentric man in our community who was probably nothing more than slightly eccentric, but who drew whispers of 'paedo' from school children). Is that acceptable, or just 'banter'? I had this conversation with my son recently, who disclosed how "everyone" refers to Tim at number 16 as a "paedo". Tim is in fact a wheelchair user who sits by his window to watch people pass, presumably so that he doesn't feel isolated on account of his limited mobility. My son had actually made this point to his friends. What many boys pass off as humorous banter can be deeply hurtful, harmful and really affect lives in a way they rarely comprehend unless someone takes the time to sit down and explain to them.

I’m so sorry your DD went through that.

This is exactly the sort of thing that this school is trying to stop, which is good on them for trying to stop bullying or abuse.

Hopefully less kids will have to go through what your DD went through.

Yeah because that’s exactly how it’s going to go isn’t it 🙄🙄

Stop scare mongering 🤦‍♀️

Is calling someone an idiot- gentle bit of poking fun or bullying

Depends on the context. Is the person a friend? Do they have learning difficulties or ND? What is the intent? Are they in on the joke? Could the speaker take the same comment if it came from the target?

Is calling someone fatty - gentle bit of poking fun or bullying

Depends on the context. Is the person a friend? Is the person genuinely overweight? Do they have sensitivities? Are they in on the joke? Could the speaker take the same comment if it came from the target?

Is calling someone gay - gentle bit of poking fun or bullying

Depends on the context. Is the person a friend? Is the person genuinely clearly having identity issues? What is the intent? Do they have sensitivities? Are they in on the joke? Could the speaker take the same comment if it came from the target? This one is a little less mature than the other two, I like this less, but context determines whether its banter or bullying.

I'm a broken record, but its context, context, context.

I don't know. I remember when my brother's were teenagers I think the only way they communicated with their mates was through banter. It wasn't bullying though.
If it's offensive comments that is different but if they catch some mates sharing a bit of banter they are threatening to call the police? The school is talking shit, the police won't care.

Well actually look at the Scottish Shit Show where the police and courts got readily involved with someone who posted a picture of a suffragette coloured ribbon..

Its not scaremongering, its pointing out the absurdity of the so-say 'policy'. It is clearly absurd to involve the authorities where two willing and happy friends engage in good natured genuine banter, and quite frankly, it isn't the schools business either.