Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

It's not for the DIL to forgive and let go, she didn't do anything wrong, she stood up for herself.

It's for the DD to apologise to the Dil for mocking her, if she had done that from the start, likely none of this would have happened, and THAT is talking things through like an adult.

The second half of my post included - all the threads on mumsnet where the DIL refuses to speak to the MIL again.

You have seen all the threads on here about that yes?

Nope me either, although my brother has cut my mum off and not spoken to her many times when she’s refused to give him money on demand.

The reason for the no contact with your Daughter has a very simple explanation. It is in the first 3 words of the second sentence in this post.

If I had been caught by my sil mocking her to the rest of the family I would be absolutely mortified. My first reaction would be to apologise profusely in an actual letter letting her know exactly why I felt we were not getting on and my thoughts on how this could be addressed. After 4 years a letter is more appropriate than a text or email. I would also send flowers after the letter arrived. I hope everyone manages to sort this out. It must be horrible to have a huge family rift simply because someone is too proud to own their mistake (even if accidental) and do their best to put things right.

You have seen all the threads on mumset about dils and mils arguing, yes?

Actually the vast majority of people on this thread ARE in agreement though, and you’re the outlier.

There seems to be a general consensus that the DD should apologise for being a thundercunt; and that OP doesn’t have a relationship with her son or grandchild: a) because she’s chosen not to b) she has overlooked and minimised her DDs shitty behaviour, and c) she blames her DIL rather than her DS for excluding the DD when it’s both, oh and d) she has sided with this awful daughter over her son.

See, the vast majority of tales like this are the straws which broke the camel's back. The 'missing missing reasons' as its sometimes referred to.

Also, the funny thing about what you're saying is that it completely refers to OP in this scenario. She could visit her grandchild immediately, by the sounds of it. But she won't let go of her daughter not also being invited.

I'm glad I'm an outlier.

It shows I'm not afraid to have my own opinion.

I have never said something just because everyone else is saying it.

This is an area where we, as women, need to improve in.

We need to learn to forgive and let go

😂Behave. No, we women do not need to suppress the bad things done to us to keep the peace for everyone else. We've moved away from that toxic "be kind" movement.

How about women and men take responsibility for their actions, apologise and learn from them? Maybe then they will deserve to be forgiven.

I’m not saying it because someone else is saying it, I’m saying it because I think the OP and her daughter have behaved badly and owe the DIL an apology.

The 28 year old adult needs to grow up and apologise for acting like a teenager. It's you and your dd that's causing this issue not dil.

I’m afraid OP, you shouldn’t have got involved. I can understand you have been upset that your DS has excluded your DD but it was a big mistake to exclude yourself, until DD was ‘forgiven’. You took sides and you shouldn’t have.

General consensus doesn't mean anything though.

Especially on mumset, it can often just mean that a pile of bullies are all piling on the OP.

In another scenario : say there are ten people that are bullying and abusing one person.

They all have a general consensus of how to treat the person.

It doesn't mean that the general consensus is right.

I agree that people need to apologise with their actions.

But I disagree with people being cut off for life for making a mistake.

She didn't know that the DIL was there.

My response came solely off the back of the OPs replies.

To start I was on their side thinking this was a child or a teenager, neither were the case.

Realising the DD was an adult and refuses to take responsibility for their horrible behaviour and apologise for 4 YEARS at the detriment of their mother, brother and nephews expense.

The DD and Mil have nobody to blame but themselves.

I bet Dil, DB and little DN have a fantastic drama free life and wish them all the best.

All MIL can control is her actions. Her actions and therefore relationship, with her daughter, her actions and therefore relationships, with her son and DIL.

She is making her choices, basing her actions on her choices, and reaping the consequences of her choices and her actions.

She is the one unhappy with the status quo. If she wants to change it, she needs to change what is within her control, her choices, and her actions.

Throwing a tanty because she's not getting her way and son and DIL are not behaving in the manner she feels they ought, isn't working for her.

However, the status quo seems to be working for DIL and son, just fine, so why would they change things, from their point of view? To welcome an unpleasant S/IL and her partisan mother back in to their currently functioning family unit, for round whatever of yet more drama-llama'ing, and disruption? Yeah, nah.

Your dd hasn’t apologised. If your dd apologised 4
years ago then maybe all this pettiness could have been avoided.
Sorry but you’ve chosen the side of your dd when you could have tried to remain impartial or encouraged a reunion.
Your ds can invite whoever he wants to his house, but you are missing out on his life because of all the silliness.

Firstly you should have called her out immediately, told her off and asked her to apologize but you didn't which suggests you agree with your daughter.

Secondly you should build the relationship with your son, his wife and your grandchild, you choosing to stay away suggests you are choosing your daughter especially given she has not even apologized.

You claim she has had no chance, sorry but if the really wanted to apologize she would find a way, I'm sure if she turned up at her brothers place and was truly sorry and asked for forgiveness he would not throw her on the streets, she can use your phone to call him if he has blocked her or send him a text saying how she is sorry and really wants to talk to him etc. There are ways if she really is sorry but it doesn't even sound like she thinks she has done anything wrong.

As others have said it seems she is the golden child who can do now wrong so this was probably the final straw for your DS. Your update tells me there a lot more to this and lots of history and background.

The title should be 'adult DD ruined family relations and refused to apologise'.

Reframing this situation as your DILS responsibility is stunning.

It's not too late for your DD to apologise profusely and extensively. Pick up the phone. Write in a card...

But it sounds like she and you aren't sorry. In which case DIL is definitely doing the right thing.

Lol.

Why would she be crying?! She ‘didn’t take to the brother’s partner’ which is code for she was nasty to her, then she took the piss out of her and got caught but has never, in 4 years, said she was sorry. So why would she be crying watching her parents go to the brother’s wedding?!

YABU
You chose one poorly behaved child over your son.
you made a statement not attending the wedding or meeting your GC. That is so deeply hurtful on a rejection level you’d be lucky to be forgiven.

your daughter was being a b*tch and got caught. She has had opportunity to apologise instead of playing victim. I’m sure she has their address/phone number and email so could have sent something with no expectations.

instead she’s used you to gang up on your DIL and blame her! Which is pretty sexist I might add-‘ oh my poor son, led on by his horrible wife.’

your fully adult DD was unpleasant, still hasn’t apologised and thinks consequences don’t apply to her. You’ve aided and abetted this.

so what if she’s offended if you see them? If you had been firm and said ‘you need to apologise or live with your actions- I’m not picking sides, I’ll still see you all’ - you might have had a resolution sooner.

I feel really sorry for your Son. How deeply hurtful to have a mother not even meet your child coz they picked a bitchy daughter instead.

@Abbylikeswine 's posts really are a hoot, peppered with misogyny as they are; 'Women need to improve'. She may in fact have had a few glasses of wine before posting.

But she hasn’t apologised with her actions? So you accept that the DD is in the wrong for not apologising?

Your DD was 24 when she did this? Surely she knew better than to mock her DB's GF/DW even in her (assumed) absence? She made fun of someone and they heard her, she has never apologised, and you back her!
This whole situation is the fault of you and your DD. You apologise to your DS and DiL and have a relationship if you can (I wouldn't want you in my house after you had backed-up someone who mocked me) and see your GC.
Your DD will have to make her own peace with her DB - and learn that all actions have consequences, some of which will be unpleasant.

And then when she realised the DIL was there and hurt by what she heard, she didn't apologise. It's normal to apologise when you've hurt someone else, even if it was by accident. To not apologise for hurting someone shows that you do not care that you hurt them and that shows that you have no respect for them.

It's perfectly normal to not want someone like that in your life.