Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

No you're extremely egotistical and strange, if you can't bear even the slightest criticism of your gender.

They. They didn't invite the daughter, his sister, to the wedding.

But the son's feelings about his own parents not going are what? Irrelevant?

The OP didn't even state in her thread title 'DIL trying to ruin my relationship with my DS'.

Which would be equally unreasonable....but at least would imply some level of caring about her DS and wanting to preserve her relationship with him. It is so evident, from everything she has written, and has written about what she has done, that she doesn't give a shit about him or his point of view.

People (like me) have been brutal on here but I don't agree it is uncalled for or unduly harsh. I think being brutal is probably the only way of getting through to this 'mother'. However she is probably a lost cause and it is only a matter of time before her DS and DIL will give up on her entirely; then she will have lost them and GC for good. I hope that her golden DD is enough to make up for that.

Does the daughter care that she's ruining OP's relationship with her own son?

None if this is the DIL or son's fault. This is all the actions of the OP and her daughter.

OP will not be returning…

*Would you go to your son's wedding and leave your daughter at home by herself?

Genuine question.*

Of course . Why wouldn't you go to your own son's wedding?

Haha the DD and Mil should take note of your second paragraph then eh.

Would you blame her?

Have you seen the curel vitriol posted at her?

The difference is if someone doesn't agree with me, I don't cut them off for the rest of their life.

I'm able to talk it out like an adult

Announcing that all women are incapable of getting over small slights is hardly the "slightest criticism". Then saying that men are better at getting over things like this is just nonsense.

Those are sweeping generalisations which are absolutely untrue.

I would stand up to my son and DIL in this instance and say that it will terribly hurt a lot of people, if you don't invite your own sister to your wedding

It is clear from your responses on this thread alone, that this statement is not true.

Op you sided with your dd when she was clearly in the wrong. She hurt dil feelings and never apologised. I'm amazed your ds and dil have absolutely anything at all to do with any of you.

One day your grandchild will be going through important big milestones like exams, college etc, big birthdays, engagement, marriage, the births of your great grandchildren maybe if you're lucky, and you will miss it all.

I couldn't contemplate anything coming between my relationship with my grandchildren. I've just met my grandson for a quick milkshake after school to celebrate his first week back. You're missing out on so much!!!!.

The grandmother has chosen not to see her grandchild, she is invited to spend time with them but doesn't go.

Could not agree more

I am the DIL in a very similar situation. YABVVU. I’m surprised your son still has anything to do with you.

Yeah this is awful OP. Very cruel. She should absolutely apologise - did she not even call/text/email to say sorry?
It’s completely irrelevant she mocked her without her knowing she was there - she heard it, so she needs to address it.
I’m not at all surprised DIL is hurt. Especially as you’re minimising it so much.

I disagree.

We all know women in families who have cut each other off totally, over the MIl saying something slightly wrong to the DIL.

If its a sweeping generalisation thats untrue, why are There are SO many threads on here on mumsnet, where the DIL will refuse to speak to the MIl or SIL ever again

This is an area where we, as women, need to improve in.

We need to learn to forgive and let go

😂😂😂

Ha! So you can’t defend what you said so you go on the attack instead? How very dramatic of you.

What did you do Op when you heard dd mocking Dil? Did you side with dd or Dil?

We all know women in families who have cut each other off totally, over the MIL saying something slightly wrong to the DIL

I don't.
Speak for yourself.

Give an example to back your statement.

My guess is that if ds had been married at the time of the slur, dil would have been seen as more important and respected by both op and dd, but she was the gf at the time and gf or bf are seen as maybe transient, not part of the family etc etc. Rightly or wrongly this played in to it. Imagine the backtrack when gf became dil and gatekeeper of gc.

I don’t know anyone who has done that.