Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

So many responses but I couldn't just walk away from this one.

This is such a sad story OP. You are taking your daughter's side in all of this and you are missing out on a relationship with your DS and DGC. I'm literally shocked that you have allowed this to happen - for 4 years.

If your DD won't apologise and/or just doesn't get on with DIL then that is up to them. Don't let this spat spoil your life. Make it up with your DS and tell them both, your DD and DS that you love them both and want a relationship with them both.

Easy to say.

Would you not think it may ruin your relationship with your own daughter?

If I was the DD, I would have apologised by now.

And you can stop with the misogyny, @Abbylikeswine

Men have petty arguments just as much and as often as women do, and they are just as capable of failing to apologise when they are in the wrong.

The reason the GM hasn't seen her GS is because she is supporting her DD, who has failed to apologise.

Yep. Because one child is not more important than the other, and tears don't trump a wedding.

And this:

"Even if it has resulted in the grandmother not seeing her grandchildren?

If I was the dil, I would have found a resolution by now"

Grandmother was invited to the wedding. Grandmother has recently been invited but won't go. How on earth is that DIL's fault?

I’m going to list out all the issue points and there is a pattern here. Spoiler alert, your son and DIL ain’t the problem….

• my dd didn't take to her straight away - does your daughter often behave like the centre of the universe? Doesn’t matter if she didn’t like her, it wasn’t her relationship was it.

• while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard. AWFUL is she a schoolchild??? Why didn’t you force her to apologise? Why didn’t you tell her behaviour was awful and try and patch things up? Your poor DIL.

• I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded. ALSO AWFUL behaviour, your poor son must have been devastated. With his sister being hurtful and rude to his future wife, no apology and then his mum does that… it’s a wonder he speaks to you at all?? you could have explained to your daughter that her behaviour caused this and to try and rectify it she should apologise and try and resolve it. But that you still had a son to support here.

• Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, GOOD FOR THEM
• this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this. Well maybe it will make her reflect on her behaviour. But maybe not as you seem to avoid holding her accountable in any way. Has she actually tried to apologise ever?
• I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil. You are pathetic. do you know how many people would absolutely love to have a grandchild?? Are you joined at the hip with your daughter? She was the one in the wrong and you have defended her and been so horrible to your son here.
• I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister ERRRR NOT HIS RESPONSIBILITY - he didn’t do anything wrong!!!
• but he's not interested- surprising that
• and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly. valid - they invite you to theirs no?
• my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her. - this is true, is it not?

If I criticise men on here I'm applauded.
If I criticise women , I'm told I'm misogynistic.

Again that is an example of the extreme, dramatic behaviour in some women, that I'm talking about

24 and she acted like a child and you sided with her?

What do you honestly expect? You're missing out through your own faults. Your DD should have apologised immediately.

Because she didn't invite the daughter to the wedding.
It's not just about the daughter. It's about her parent in laws feelings.
Of course they are going to be devasted if their daughter is left out from her siblings wedding

If my DD and I were petty individuals, it might do so.

It seems to me that the mother and daughter on this thread, who are incapable of seeing anyone else's point of view, would be very, very capable of enough pettiness to damage their relationship.

After all, the pair of them have damaged the relationship with their brother, sister-in-law, mother, son, daughter-in-law.....................and are now not able to have a relationship with their grandson and nephew.

Just because they are obstinate and incapable of seeing another person's point of view.

Maybe people could just let things go and move on.

If that were actually the case, she would have apologised!

Why are you projecting your own situations onto this one?

The daughter is an adult. She is more than old enough to know that actions have consequences. She chose not to apologise. She was not invited to the wedding. I highly doubt she didn’t have time to do so while the couple was engaged and before the invites went out.

She still refused to apologise and she is reaping the consequences if it is anything to her. Doubt she cares since she is still choosing not to apologise.

@Abbylikeswine

Yep, when I was about 13. I was trying to make myself big by making someone else look small.

Soon after, someone did it to me and I realised how much it hurt so I didn't do it again and I apologised to the other girl I previously mocked.

Do you see what happened there? I learnt, apologised and matured. I became a better person. 'DD' sounds a right bitch.

We've definitely got the DD on the thread now.

I was on your side until you said your daughter was 24, and now 28, I was sure your dd would be a child in this scenario.
sorry your being ridiculous and I can see why your son is upset, your excluding your first grandchild and son because your adult child was rude and got caught and won't apologise for it.

She needs to grow up, make adult decisions andyour need to stop backing her, she's in the wrong.

Just because she wasn't meant to hear doesn't make it any less unkind. Wow

It's no skin off the DIL's nose, all this hooha. It's most probably a far more peaceful life for DS, without the mother and daughter's carry on. So I don't really see the motivation for them to just get over it, and move one, and allow two recalcitrant, spoiled, self centred little drama queens back into what must surely be the relatively peaceful calm of their own family life, enjoying each other and their child.

Maybe people could apologise when they are in the wrong.

The reason the grandmother does not see her grandchildren is because the grandmother is choosing not to.

She was in her mid/late 20s and it was a consequence of her own actions. She wasn’t a 5 year old who hadn’t been invited to her best friend’s birthday party.

You are a misogynist, let me show you an example of your misogyny:

Abbylikeswine · Today 15:28
DIL also hurt DD by not inviting her to her wedding

See how you didn’t mention the son not inviting his sister? For some reason you put it all on the DiL, why is that?

No one is suggesting women are perfect, you’ve proven that yourself, assuming you’re female, but to make huge sweeping generalisations about all women is just misogyny, just the same as making broad generalisations of any group is bad.

Lol. You can't bear anyone disagreeing with you can you.

Try to realise in life: not everyone will agree with you.

Victim blaming won't resolve this. It really doesn't matter if you, or the OP doesn't believe this.

The only way forward is for the OP and DD to start to see things from the DILs point of view and work on healing this. This is NOT this fault of the DIL, both the original hurt and the ongoing issue, and she is absolutely entitled to enforce a boundary to protect herself.

If you'd have said DD was 4 I'd have been on your side.

But 24!

She should have known better than to take the piss do unkindly and when caught she should have apologised straight away.

Of course your DS and DIL don't want her around. She was unkind and you didn't even pull her up at the time.

So either your DD apologises and you see if the relationship can be salvaged or you accept that you have chosen to take sides and that means you don't have contact with ds at his or your house.

Are you the dd?

Maybe people could apologise when they act like arseholes

It isn't. It's just an accurate summation of the things you've written.