Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

[worldlyweather]

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

Stop being so harsh to the OP. I'm sure all of us would be upset if our adult children weren't even speaking to each other. Of course op is upset.

Do you not think it's a bit of an overreaction? Did you see the part where the Ops son is now also refusing to come to the OPs house at all, in case he bumps into his sister.

Jesus christ the daughter didnt kill anyone.

Everyone of us on here have talked about people behind their back.

Surely sil should get over it after FOUR years, or at least say what could happen to improve the situation

YABU

It’s always a bit of a laugh when it is someone else. I highly doubt you or your DD would have felt the same if it was your DIL and son mocking you or your DD.

I bet your DIL didn’t know your DD felt that way about her and to see your DD acting this way and you, her boyfriend’s mother, from the read of things, not saying anything against it, or at worse laughing along, hurt her.

It was disrespectful on both of your parts. To add insult to injury, you then sided with your daughter who didn’t apologise at all at the time or ever and decided not to go to your son’s wedding in solidarity for your own daughter’s wrongdoing.

You showed your son that you care way more about your daughter who is in the wrong than your son who is sticking up and by the woman he loves that your daughter hurt. You nor your daughter are the victim in this. You are not in the middle of it, you placed yourself in it and doubled down with the one in the wrong and still making excuses for her. Your adult children were and are old enough to sort it on their own. All you had to do was show up for your son and respect their wishes. You could have suggested your daughter apologise and left it at that.

I’d wager your son is used to such behaviour by you when it comes to his sister.

No apology (yes, even unintended/accidental hurt needs an apology... are you kidding?) and you fully support that, so I can see why they don't want to bother. What a sad family situation based on pure immaturity!

After 4 years of no apology from dd and you sticking up for her I'm sure it's too late. But be proud you raised a son who is with out a doubt backing his wife and child. He is doing the right thing. To bad your dd isn't. At her age that is ridiculous behavior.

Sadly I've seen this happen with women many times before. Women over dramatise things. And they things to extreme levels.

If a man laughed at another man in the family, they wouldn't even fall out about it.

Ie "John is a bald prick hahaha " they'd still be fine.

If a woman says one thing wrong to another woman, the woman will never let it go, and will never speak to the other woman again.

Women are extreme. I have to say I've seen the OPs scenario several times in families with women..

Women will not let things go

YABVU.

I thought you were going to say your daughter was 12yrs old, not 24 when she was rude towards a guest staying in your home.

The fact she didn’t immediately apologise, has made zero attempts to apologise (she could have written heartfelt letters of apology to her SIL), and that you have stupidly supported your vile daughter, particularly by not attending the wedding, is quite shocking frankly.

What sort of parent supports one of their adult children being nasty and abusive towards their other adult child’s partner?

You could have solved this instantly if you had wanted to but you obviously chose not to intervene and you need to accept the consequences of your stupid decision.

At least your son is a good lad for sticking up for his wife.
Honestly, I applaud your son and I hope he moves far away from you and your horrible daughter.

You will never repair this relationship. Because you fail to see how you or your DD are in the wrong.
To miss your own son's wedding and the arrival of your grandchild because you chose instead to support your DD who was nasty and malicious, is hard to forgive. I don't think I could.

So in 4 years your DD hasn't been able to think of any way to apologise to her SiL for her rude and childish behaviour? She could have sent a message through you or her brother. She could have written a letter or sent flowers. If either of you cared about repairing the relationship with your son and his wife and meeting your grandson, you would be bending over backwards to make things right. Even if you don't think your DD was wrong (and she definitely was).

I think the SIL is over reacting. I wouldn't have let it get to the stage where no one is speaking to each other, and people aren't seeing children at all

She won't be coming to our weddings either :(

People who are saying the DD is wrong.

Have you ever mocked someone .
The way they dress? Their laugh? How they are loud?

Have you ever talked about anyone behind their back?

I bet you have
....

I think it's dispicable that your DD hasn't got over herself and apologised for being a stupid cowbag. I also think it's hugely offensive that you took sides and refused to go to their wedding. Both you & DD need to cop onto yourselves, quite frankly.

But if you've been caught out doing so by the victim of the mockery, have you never apologized? Have you crassly dismissed it as "just a bit of a laugh"?

Why don't women ever let things go.

You never hear stories of men refusing to speak to each other for twenty years because John called David a bald prick once

Women always pump things up to the absolute dramatic max, refuse to speak to anyone again and make everyone fall out.

You tried to make your son make amends with his sister, who sounds like a complete bitch in this scenario? Nowhere have you said you made her apologise, that you disagree with her - it sounds like you “didn’t take to” your DIL either. Then they invite you to the wedding and you CHOSE not to attend because they didn’t want someone there who clearly hates the bride? Get a grip.

also, news flash - people who actively disrespect the child’s mother (ie your daughter with her nasty behaviour and your clear support of her) don’t get access to the kids. You created this ultimatum, not the other way round.

You need to leave this between them and focus on your relationship with each of them. Just see them on your own rather than as a gathering. You can’t fix this at the moment so it is that or miss precious years with DS and Gc

No, because the people who do that sort of thing were the school bullies when they were kids and they still haven’t grown up.

I can't believe I'm reading this.

Your 24 year old adult DD was rude about her future SIL and has never, ever apologised? And this happened FOUR years ago?

And as result of this mean, disrespectful behaviour which is entirely down to your adult DD, you didn't go to your only son's wedding and you've never met your only grandchild?

You and your DD need to try and fix this mess by apologising profusely. You should apologise for not attending the wedding, for not visiting your son and DIL, who have done nothing wrong, for unfairly taking sides, and for refusing to meet your grandson.

And the rude madam that is your DD needs to get her arrogant head out of the sand and apologise for being so insulting in the first place, for hurting her DB and SIL and most of all, for taking so bloody long to apologise and causing a rift in the family.

Incidentally what is your husband's view on all of this? Please tell me he didn't boycott the wedding too!

Everyone of us on here have talked about people behind their back.

I can say I have, and what I have said is something others can see for themselves and have said it to the person’s face but I have never mocked someone in front of others in private.

Have you read the part the daughter has never apologised to her SIL? Have you noticed that OP is still making excuses over it, suggesting she seems to think her daughter doesn’t really have to because SIL wasn’t meant to hear it?

My own sister and I barely get along and yes, it did upset my parents, but they left it to us to sort. They may make a comment but they never pushed the subject.

Overreaction or not, the bare minimum is to apologise.

But it's the OP who's made that happen by inserting herself into this and making it a taking sides situation. If she'd backed off and not made it a huge thing it may have blown over and DD and DIL might have a civil relationship by now.

Her insistence that DD must be included and doesn't need to apologise for mocking people is a huge part of the problem.

yes I have, I then don’t expect access to their children or invites to their wedding, because clearly I don’t like them.

Wow no wonder your daughter-in-law wants nothing to do with your daughter. She could easily apologise either through your son, send a card, whatever, but no…Meanwhile you’re minimising it. You’re fortunate they still invite you. Not to mention the title of your thread…daughter-in-law is out to get you, is that it? While still inviting you to things?

No. The OP said that her daughter was 24 at the time 4 years ago. She's 28 now.

You are out of order for siding with the child who had the cheek to mock someone and then got caught.
you need to think about this carefully. You haven’t seen your grandchild because you expect your son to patch things up, despite no apology from your dd.
if I were them I would do the same. You are out of order here. Your daughter is an adult and she should apologise at the very least.

You have clearly chosen your DD over your DS. You chose not to go to his wedding and you have chosen not to meet your grandchild. It’s very clear where your loyalties lie.

I can’t believe that in all this time your DD hasn’t written a heartfelt apology letter.

You should have tried to slowly help broach peace while continuing to forge a good relationship with your DS and DIL.