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Original poster

Dil trying to ruin my relationship with my dd

1000 replies

worldlyweather · 09/09/2024 11:33

When my son met his now wife he was still living at home as was my dd.
Dil used to spend a lot of time at our house with ds but admittedly my dd didn't take to her straight away and while my dd didn't realise she was here dd came in mocking her and she overheard.
Ds and dil then moved to their own house and have since married and had a child, I didn't go to the wedding as dd was excluded.

Dil wants nothing to do with my dd and ds has backed her decision, this means our dd has never even met her nephew and misses her brother and is utterly heartbroken by all this.
I haven't met him either as I have been instructed not to come with my dd but have decided not to exclude her knowing this is so hurtful and have explained my reasons to ds and dil.
I have tried to get my ds to put things right with his sister but he's not interested and is refusing to see me at my home because she might be there and I will not turn her away because they don't want to be friendly.
Ds says I should be on their side as dd did wrong and I shouldn't protect her but I feel this is an overreaction and needs to be addressed, while I agree that she was perhaps unkind she didn't deserve to be cut off.

The family have been invited to visit but again this is to be with the exclusion of my dd who is devastated and so far we've stayed away until she's included, unfortunately this doesn't look like it's ever going to happen and I miss my son and I'm missing out on my first grandchild.
They have never made any ultimatum but it feels like there's an invisible ultimatum that if I want a part in their life it's to be at the exclusion of dd or I lose the relationship with them altogether.
I feel in an impossible position as in my mind I'm standing by my dd over dil but my son sees it that I'm standing by my dd over him and that I'm choosing not to see them by choosing her.

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 09/09/2024 15:20

Abbylikeswine · 09/09/2024 15:09

Stop being so harsh to the OP. I'm sure all of us would be upset if our adult children weren't even speaking to each other. Of course op is upset.

Do you not think it's a bit of an overreaction? Did you see the part where the Ops son is now also refusing to come to the OPs house at all, in case he bumps into his sister.

Jesus christ the daughter didnt kill anyone.

Everyone of us on here have talked about people behind their back.

Surely sil should get over it after FOUR years, or at least say what could happen to improve the situation

Edited

Do you think the SiL should ask for an apology? Or do you think (like most of the posters here) that two grown women (OP and her DD) should have offered an apology for being rude to a guest in their home? Maybe OP can't heal the rift but they don't seem to have tried.

phoenixrosehere · 09/09/2024 15:21

Abbylikeswine · 09/09/2024 15:16

Why don't women ever let things go.

You never hear stories of men refusing to speak to each other for twenty years because John called David a bald prick once

Women always pump things up to the absolute dramatic max, refuse to speak to anyone again and make everyone fall out.

Edited

Maybe you have never heard stories, but I’ve heard plenty.

It is not a man vs woman thing. What a weird thing to make it out to be.

Autumnismyfavouritetimeofyear · 09/09/2024 15:22

Abbylikeswine · 09/09/2024 15:09

Stop being so harsh to the OP. I'm sure all of us would be upset if our adult children weren't even speaking to each other. Of course op is upset.

Do you not think it's a bit of an overreaction? Did you see the part where the Ops son is now also refusing to come to the OPs house at all, in case he bumps into his sister.

Jesus christ the daughter didnt kill anyone.

Everyone of us on here have talked about people behind their back.

Surely sil should get over it after FOUR years, or at least say what could happen to improve the situation

Edited

OP, is that you? Or are you also the sort of person who would collude with a sibling over bad behaviour then blame the victims? Ridiculous.

Boohoohoohoop · 09/09/2024 15:23

You and your dd sound like the toxic party in this story.

Tell you dd to apologise. And regardless of if she does or doesnt, ypu need to create a healthy, respectful relationship with your sons family. And your dil.

You are being very immature by siding with your daughter and choosing her over your son.

Abbylikeswine · 09/09/2024 15:23

I was just thinking of my own two female cousins.
They were born in the same year, they are the same age, a couple of months apart. They are cousins to each other. They did absolutely everything together. They were so close all of their lives.

They had one bad argument when they were 26.
Both of them refused to speak to each other ever again after it.
They were like "thats it"
It seems like they just called each other a few names In the argument. Thats all that happened. And that was it.

I've tried to talk to them each individually. Ive said that life is short and that they had known each other, and were best friends since they were babies.

They won't make up. It's been ten years Since they fell out. And it made other people in the family fall out as they had to take sides.
It has caused a lot of sadness in our family.

But once people are stubborn, it's very hard to get through to them

Naunet · 09/09/2024 15:24

Ozanj · 09/09/2024 14:20

It does seem like an overreaction but his wife is probably using it to justify why her family gets priority which is why no resolution is forthcoming. I imagine she’s badmouthing you all and because you’re not there there’s nothing for your ds to argue against.

In this situation cooler impartial heads are needed and that should have been you. But it’s probably too late now as you missed his wedding and now it seems dgs first year. Nothing you do or say will convince him you care about him.

What you do next depends on how you want to proceed.

You could do nothing, leave it all to him, and just have a do-over with your dd when she decides to raise a family. Your dd having kids may prod your ds to try and make amends.

Or you could go and see him, apologise for taking sides, and see your dgs. Just bear in mind that you might not be able to have the kind of relationship you want with him.

Amazing desperation to paint the DiL as a nasty person there, based on nothing but your imagination.

MilkToast · 09/09/2024 15:25

phoenixrosehere · 09/09/2024 15:21

Maybe you have never heard stories, but I’ve heard plenty.

It is not a man vs woman thing. What a weird thing to make it out to be.

Show quote history

Some posters love to play the ITWAM (If this were a man…’ game. It’s not tedious, not at all.

Abbylikeswine · 09/09/2024 15:25

Delphiniumandlupins · 09/09/2024 15:20

Do you think the SiL should ask for an apology? Or do you think (like most of the posters here) that two grown women (OP and her DD) should have offered an apology for being rude to a guest in their home? Maybe OP can't heal the rift but they don't seem to have tried.

Show quote history

She was just rude!

God people are rude all the time.

No human being is perfect and nice all the time.

Should I call my aunty and tell her she should apologise for being rude to me five years ago?

phoenixrosehere · 09/09/2024 15:25

Abbylikeswine · 09/09/2024 15:23

I was just thinking of my own two female cousins.
They were born in the same year, they are the same age, a couple of months apart. They are cousins to each other. They did absolutely everything together. They were so close all of their lives.

They had one bad argument when they were 26.
Both of them refused to speak to each other ever again after it.
They were like "thats it"
It seems like they just called each other a few names In the argument. Thats all that happened. And that was it.

I've tried to talk to them each individually. Ive said that life is short and that they had known each other, and were best friends since they were babies.

They won't make up. It's been ten years Since they fell out. And it made other people in the family fall out as they had to take sides.
It has caused a lot of sadness in our family.

But once people are stubborn, it's very hard to get through to them

Edited

Not the same thing.

Daughter in this situation has never apologised and the onus is not on the SIL to ask for an apology. It’s pretty ridiculous to expect SIL to ask for one when she did nothing wrong.

Miffylou · 09/09/2024 15:26

Abbylikeswine · 09/09/2024 15:09

Stop being so harsh to the OP. I'm sure all of us would be upset if our adult children weren't even speaking to each other. Of course op is upset.

Do you not think it's a bit of an overreaction? Did you see the part where the Ops son is now also refusing to come to the OPs house at all, in case he bumps into his sister.

Jesus christ the daughter didnt kill anyone.

Everyone of us on here have talked about people behind their back.

Surely sil should get over it after FOUR years, or at least say what could happen to improve the situation

Edited

If the OP's daughter cared at all about the damage her actions have caused in the family, and the anguish it has all caused her mother, who has loyally stood by her for four years, she would have done something to try to improve matters. Such as, write a note to her brother and SIL saying "I’m so sorry my silly actions four years ago have caused all this trouble. I can see how upsetting it has all been to Mum. Please can we try to put it all behind us and start again? I would love to meet my nephew."

TrixieTrix · 09/09/2024 15:26

Your son is protecting his partner and child from someone who was unkind and he is well within his rights to do so. You do not have a right to someone because they are family, toxicity is toxicity and people don't have to put up with it regardless of connection.

You cannot justify unkind behaviour and to try to do so is the same as doing it yourself IMO, it doesn't matter if it wasn't for your DiL ears, it doesn't make it okay and when she started mocking someone you should've told her it was unacceptable, because it is.

Its not your DS or DiLs job to forgive or forget something that no one has taken accountability for. It is your DDs job to apologise and try to make amends, the passage of time is not an apology and even if she does apologise she does not have the right to forgiveness.

You are choosing your DDs feelings over your DS & DiLs feelings, and the result of that is not being able to see their child, that is your choice and no one else's, that is their boundary and you should respect that if you want to salvage a relationship with your DS/DIL.

TheRealSlimShandy · 09/09/2024 15:27

Abbylikeswine · 09/09/2024 15:14

People who are saying the DD is wrong.

Have you ever mocked someone .
The way they dress? Their laugh? How they are loud?

Have you ever talked about anyone behind their back?

I bet you have
....

I don’t think that’s the point though. This type of falling out happens in families - fine.

it doesn’t get to the point though where mum takes in child’s side so entirely that she refuses to go to the others wedding.

Likely this could all have been nipped in the bud 4 years ago - but instead it’s all been escalated rather than calmed by the OP.

phoenixrosehere · 09/09/2024 15:27

Abbylikeswine · 09/09/2024 15:25

She was just rude!

God people are rude all the time.

No human being is perfect and nice all the time.

Should I call my aunty and tell her she should apologise for being rude to me five years ago?

Show quote history

Decent people also apologise when they’ve been rude and hurt someone after mocking them.

Abbylikeswine · 09/09/2024 15:27

Miffylou · 09/09/2024 15:26

If the OP's daughter cared at all about the damage her actions have caused in the family, and the anguish it has all caused her mother, who has loyally stood by her for four years, she would have done something to try to improve matters. Such as, write a note to her brother and SIL saying "I’m so sorry my silly actions four years ago have caused all this trouble. I can see how upsetting it has all been to Mum. Please can we try to put it all behind us and start again? I would love to meet my nephew."

Show quote history

God so dramatic!

friendlycat · 09/09/2024 15:27

Sorry but you are just adding to all of the drama here. The title of this thread actually says it all when it should really be "My daughter is refusing to apologise for hurtful comments she has made and it's caused a family rift."

It's totally unacceptable that your 24 year old daughter did not apologise and has not done so subsequently.

You not attending your son's wedding really is appalling.

You choosing to not see your first grandchild (actually all because your DD refuses to apologise) is also appalling.

Why oh why do you expect your son to make things right between you all when it is down to your daughter and you to make massive amends for the wrongs you have done?

If you are not extremely careful and radically change your views on all of this, you will have no future relationship with your son, your DIL or your grandchild.

craigth162 · 09/09/2024 15:28

Your dd was horrible and got caught. She hasnt even attempted to apologise and you are making excuses for what she did. Your dil is completely within her rights to keep her away from her child. Youve made your side clear. Live with your choice

Treelichen · 09/09/2024 15:28

worldlyweather · 09/09/2024 12:13

Dd was 24 at the time 4 years ago, 4 years this has been going on!
Dd hasn't apologised but she didn't deliberately say it for her to hear, she was just pretending to be her and having a laugh with it as she didn't particularly take to her she thought only we could see/hear.
It's different if it's to deliberately offend but surely in your own home to your own parents it's not her fault she was there and saw/heard.
Also she's not had a chance to apologise if she's not welcome and how can I see her excluded by from her own family?

Your DD was rude and is facing the consequences of her behaviour. She hasn't yet apologised. Your thread title is bs as DIL isn't ruining your relationship, she has set a boundary that seems totally appropriate.

Abbylikeswine · 09/09/2024 15:28

phoenixrosehere · 09/09/2024 15:27

Decent people also apologise when they’ve been rude and hurt someone after mocking them.

Show quote history

DIL also hurt DD by not inviting her to her wedding.

Did she really expect everyone else to go and exclude DD?

My mum didn't get on with her sister in law. She still invited to her wedding. As how can you leave one person out from the grooms family?

Naunet · 09/09/2024 15:30

Abbylikeswine · 09/09/2024 15:11

Sadly I've seen this happen with women many times before. Women over dramatise things. And they things to extreme levels.

If a man laughed at another man in the family, they wouldn't even fall out about it.

Ie "John is a bald prick hahaha " they'd still be fine.

If a woman says one thing wrong to another woman, the woman will never let it go, and will never speak to the other woman again.

Women are extreme. I have to say I've seen the OPs scenario several times in families with women..

Women will not let things go

Right, so explain the son? Or are men brainless and just do whatever women say (except when we ask them to stop raping and beating and murdering us)? You’re simply just a misogynist.

Miffylou · 09/09/2024 15:30

Abbylikeswine · 09/09/2024 15:27

God so dramatic!

Show quote history

It is pretty dramatic to refuse to go to your son's wedding or to meet your grandchild, and for your children not speak to each other, because of a family argument four years ago, isn't it?

phoenixrosehere · 09/09/2024 15:31

Abbylikeswine · 09/09/2024 15:28

DIL also hurt DD by not inviting her to her wedding.

Did she really expect everyone else to go and exclude DD?

My mum didn't get on with her sister in law. She still invited to her wedding. As how can you leave one person out from the grooms family?

Edited
Show quote history

Daughter didn’t apologise and it was her brother and DIL’s wedding.

If her brother really wanted her there, he would have told his sister to apologise.

If his sister cared, she would have apologised.

Babyworriesreal · 09/09/2024 15:31

It must be very upsetting to be in your situation OP but, frankly, you have put youself there. You have made some very poor decisions, which must have devastated your son. Worse still, you can't even see it now! Please grow up. Your poor son. Your poor grandchild too, having a gran who has chosen not to see them.

HollyKnight · 09/09/2024 15:31

Wow you didn't go to your own son's wedding because your nasty daughter wasn't invited? I'm surprised your son and his wife even bother with you when you make it so clear that you will always choose her over your son (and grandchildren). No one is trying to ruin your relationship with DD. They just don't want her in their lives because why would they? She's a bitch and makes no apologies for it. Everything else, all this missing out on things, is your choice.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 09/09/2024 15:32

Abbylikeswine · 09/09/2024 15:28

DIL also hurt DD by not inviting her to her wedding.

Did she really expect everyone else to go and exclude DD?

My mum didn't get on with her sister in law. She still invited to her wedding. As how can you leave one person out from the grooms family?

Edited
Show quote history

The daughter was an adult. Why would she be hurt by not being invited to the wedding of someone she disliked? She might have been offended, but that’s a whole different issue.

Abbylikeswine · 09/09/2024 15:33

Naunet · 09/09/2024 15:30

Right, so explain the son? Or are men brainless and just do whatever women say (except when we ask them to stop raping and beating and murdering us)? You’re simply just a misogynist.

Show quote history

I'm not a misogynist. I see many bad things that are traits in men too.

However I also see the flaws in women.

I will never say that there are no flaws in women. And that women are perfect. Women definitely have flaws.

Women totally over dramatise.

Which is why you always here about Mils and Dils not getting on.

Any fallout in families I know, were always caused by women.

They just don't let things go and pump up the drama

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