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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

881 replies

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 06:52

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

OP posts:
Lovelysummerdays · 09/09/2024 08:44

gardenmusic · 09/09/2024 08:26

Then call Womens aid.
You need support as do your children.
Your husbands behaviour is controlling.
You need to push back hard.

Are you being funny?
You need to leave the phone lines at Womens Aid free for those who need help urgently.

Actually it’s not bad advice. There are different kinds of abuse and controlling behaviour can be insidious in a way that’s hard to quantify. There seems to be an inability to say no or articulate boundaries or have a reasonable discussion. The feeling like you just have to assume responsibility. Its painfully familiar to me. I actually found a chat with WA and then the freedom program really affirming and helpful. They aren’t just there for people who are in physical danger.

SwiftiesVSLestat · 09/09/2024 08:44

I find it odd that the 12 year old seemed hugely concerned about the 16 year olds reaction.

A 12 year old not being happy a kitten is being brought home, because he knows his older sibling will have a huge negative reaction to his wishes not being listened to, is worrying.

However, the dh isn’t looking after the kitten. Even when he is there. The kitten managed to get upstairs, outside ds room and sit there for ages meowing and the dh didn’t notice? And it had only been in the house a couple of hours. Why wasn’t he spending time with the cat he wanted so much.

Which suggests this wasn’t about him wanting a cat at all.

@WinkyTinky is your family dynamic dysfunctional? Is it generally a happy home? If not why hasn’t the marriage ended sooner?

MsJinks · 09/09/2024 08:45

Whilst it’s been common thought that cats can just do their own thing with minimal interaction from any owner, more recent understanding shows cats often get very distressed if left alone for long periods. And I think it’s always been obvious you can’t leave a kitten, newly taken from its mum, alone for long.
It also sounds a super stressful home for a cat - cats are not as obvious in their distress as dogs but your kitten will soon be traumatised if not already.
Your husband is not just being a dick to the family by doing this, but he is being actively cruel to a living creature by just dumping it like this - he clearly doesn’t care about actually looking after it or making sure it’s safe and happy. I doubt he cares for cats (or animals) at all. Guess he likes the apparent vision of ‘nice bits’ of cat ownership and possibly just the ‘nice bits’ of kids and family life.
It is an absolute priority you try to return or rehome the cat, and until then find it a safe place to hide itself etc - rspca or similar will have advice online. I do think the kids could help with this just to help them be rational and caring humans if they come across any animal needing help in their lives - many people don’t like cats, some are scared of them and this is all ok - what is not ok is being ok with neglect or cruelty to any living animal.
Your marriage sounds rather bad, but you need to sort this kitten out first - just because that’s the right thing to do really.

diddl · 09/09/2024 08:45

He can't want a cat that badly if he's just pissed off & left it!

Heartless!

Unsubtleturtle · 09/09/2024 08:48

How is it that your DH can make snap selfish decisions on a whim but you won't go against him and take the kitten back? What is stopping you? Why is only he calling the shots? He's done a stupid thing, do the sensible thing and take it back now. Pur your foot down for the sake of everyone. There's a lot more going on here in your relationship dynamic than meets the eye. And the house sounds very anxious. Just take it back, don't stew and keep the cat as another rod to beat your idiot DH with, it's not fair on the little kitten. No need to be a martyr about it to prove a point in this clearly silent resentful war you have with DH v rest of household, just get it sorted, problem over. Just because he's had cats, his lack of care shows he has absolutely no idea how to look after them. Cows milk!? Leaving it for hours alone!?Not kept in one safe warm space to gradually acclimatise!? That little life shouldn't suffer for his ignorance and the rest of the families' resentment. Take it back so it has a chance of a loving attentive home. Heartbreaking hearing how scared and alone it must be. Once that's done you may need to reevaluate your relationship, whatever is going on, you're not a team.

Jazzicatz · 09/09/2024 08:48

You are all being unreasonable and sound like a family of psychopaths. It’s the kitten I feel sorry for.

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 09/09/2024 08:48

Chaoseverywhere · 09/09/2024 08:35

Your husband sounds the most sane of all of you. And he’s not sounding totally sane. Poor animal. And poor children who can’t accept a pet.

Wow. Have you at least read all the OP's posts? If so you'll know the level of stress she is under.
And you'll know that 'D'H is not the best of that family.
Granted, a cat is really easy to look after if all you have to do is dump it in the conservatory, fuck off to work and leave to someone else to worry about it.

betterangels · 09/09/2024 08:49

Is your husband often an absolute idiot? Maybe he needs to be re-homed along with the pet he wanted. I'd be so angry.

user1492757084 · 09/09/2024 08:49

BoobyDazzler · 09/09/2024 08:01

I can’t imagine anyone responding as you and your children have to having a young, defenceless, animal in their home; it’s a completely abnormal reaction and if it were my children they’d be getting told to suck it up and I’d be working on their resilience and their compassion.

While your DH shouldn’t have made the unilateral decision to get a pet I can see why he would. It sounds as if your wants have over ridden his and you’ve indoctrinated your children to feel the same way you do.

Cats are easy pets.

This.

My Dad found a stray kitten and we kids took it over and adored it for twenty years.
My Dad brought back an injured Cockatoo and we nurtured it back to health.
My Dad caught me a Brumby in the bush, brough it home and and I rode it until it was old.
My Dad brought back a few puppies from friends over the years and they were all adored.

Your DH seems remarkably normal for a Dad who wants to bring joy and warmth to your home.
You and your kids seem uptight and a wee bit selfish.
Maybe the kids will learn responsibility, resilience and tolerance.

80smonster · 09/09/2024 08:50

Hmmmmmm… Suspect an unhealthy level of projection going on here between OP and the kids. Personally I would think a child who is struggling to build social bonds elsewhere would benefit from the love a cat or kitten offers. However and its a big one, I would not be having a litter tray in the porch space/entryway to my home, surely this has to go in the conservatory- gently nudging near the door to garden until it goes outdoors entirely.

Julen7 · 09/09/2024 08:53

Only person I feel sorry for in all this is the kitten

Boomer55 · 09/09/2024 08:53

TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse44 · 09/09/2024 07:31

Well he should have done it but jesus wept ive never heard such drama in my life.......rehome the kitten and teach your kids to get a grip. He brought home a cat......not another woman ffs.

This. Huge overblown drama about a kitten. 🤷‍♀️

Imperfectionist · 09/09/2024 08:53

OP you are definitely NBU - sympathies!

In your shoes, given all the pressure in your life - to the point at which you feel like you might have a stroke - I would either insist your husband returns the cat himself, or take it to a pet sanctuary yourself for it to be rehomed. Today. Courage!

queenofguineapigs · 09/09/2024 08:55

Intriguedbythis · 09/09/2024 07:07

Your son’s behaviour sounds really weird by having such an extreme reaction to a kitten. Against his wishes, he’s a child? Why shouldn’t your partner who presumably works and provides j house/ half of house have an animal if it makes him happy. Cats are super low maintenance and gorgeous. I actually think you and your kids are being very controlling and rigid. Live a little

Edited

Blimey, yes the DH pays for things but you don't get a pet unless EVERYONE in the house is happy with it.

It's a bit like having kids (or another child) - the person who doesn't want a(nother) child wins.

People are far more inconvenienced by having a pet than they are not having one. There are always options like dog walking if you really want a pet but can't have one.

I agree cats are low maintenance but they still cost money to keep and will have an impact on things like weekends away, holidays etc.

Irishdragon · 09/09/2024 08:55

He hasn’t brought a lion home but that said it all sounds like a weird situation. Best to rehome the kitten now .

lechatnoir · 09/09/2024 08:56

As my name might suggest, I'm a cat person but fuck me I'd still hit the roof if my DH turned up with a pet without prior discussion and certainly if I'd already said no, Cats can live for 19/20 years this isn't a small rodent that lasts a few years then typically dies along with the child's interest!
I vaguely remember old posts about a useless and selfish husband who fucked off to music events so OP, if you are the same one you have way more issues than this poor kitten and I'm pretty sure overwhelming advice was kick his sorry arse out which you clearly haven't done.

Ring him up and demand he come home and deal with the kitten and make sure it's been returned/rehomed before the end of the week.

queenofguineapigs · 09/09/2024 08:56

stripybobblehat · 09/09/2024 06:58

Sorry? Your DH just randomly bought a cat??

Is he otherwise well? This seems such a spur of the moment decision.

I'll have to tell my mum that she must have been mentally ill when she brought a guinea pig home on the spur of the moment...

I think the OP's DH was rather stupid/inconsiderate but really, people aren't mentally unwell because they make a decision others disapprove of!

oakleaffy · 09/09/2024 08:57

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/09/2024 07:29

Your 16 year old started crying over a kitten?! Wtf?!?!?!
Agree dh has been a knob but this isn't normal behaviour for a 16 year old.

This...It's not like the husband brought home a Tiger.

Poor kitten living in such an unloving household.

Kittens need interaction and care- not being dumped in a cold conservatory.

What idiot sold this poor cat to this man?

Who is going to attend to the litter tray?

Bellyblueboy · 09/09/2024 08:58

He should also make a financial donation to the cat rescue. He is clearly used to other people mopping up his mistakes.

when I got my new kitten I didn’t leave her alone for more than four hours. I slept on the sofa to keep her company - took her to the vet on day two to make sure she was healthy. Researched kitten food and made sure she had the right milk.

the kitten is crying for it’s mother in a house where is sounds like no one will even stroke her. How awful.

also I agree you need to seriously rethink your marriage. Also examine your children’s relationship with their dad.

I hope your older son gets the support he needs

gardenmusic · 09/09/2024 08:59

We, the children of the family, were never consulted over pets.
Pets arrived, and we fought to get to them. (Probably the wrong thing to do!)
I know that not one of us would walk away from a little mewing kitten, nor leave it in a room on it's own crying.
Rehome the poor little thing.

What is a brumby? We never had one of those.

Goldbar · 09/09/2024 08:59

Tell your husband that he needs to come home from work NOW and take care of HIS kitten.

He's the one who wanted it, he needs to be looking after it.

Icanttakethisanymore · 09/09/2024 09:00

Debtandmoredebt · 09/09/2024 07:04

Why would a cat disrupt education?

I think regardless of the wrongs and rights about bringing a pet into a house, the whole situation is very dramatic.

I thought the same, it’s not a pride of lions, its one kitten.

(I do agree getting a pet without consulting the family is a pretty odd thing to do though)

oakleaffy · 09/09/2024 09:01

queenofguineapigs · 09/09/2024 08:55

Blimey, yes the DH pays for things but you don't get a pet unless EVERYONE in the house is happy with it.

It's a bit like having kids (or another child) - the person who doesn't want a(nother) child wins.

People are far more inconvenienced by having a pet than they are not having one. There are always options like dog walking if you really want a pet but can't have one.

I agree cats are low maintenance but they still cost money to keep and will have an impact on things like weekends away, holidays etc.

The reason a whole household has to be in agreement is for the pet's benefit.

RSPCA speak of cruelty done by people who don't want the cat {Or whatever the pet is}

Hidden cameras have shown terrible cruelty by household members to an innocent pet.

Re-home the kitten ASAP via a decent cat rescue.

marshmallowfinder · 09/09/2024 09:02

It needs to be returned to wherever he got it from. That's a totally unacceptable thing to do, to just dump it on the household.

CurlewKate · 09/09/2024 09:02

Absolutely wrong to introduce a pet without discussion, I agree. But you and your sons' position does seem a little extreme to put it mildly!