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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

881 replies

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 06:52

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

OP posts:
BellaKent · 11/09/2024 17:55

Please get you husband to rehome the kitten.
It is not a good environment for an innocent kitten to be in, too much dislike already shown , when cats are at their cutest too.
Hope your husband learns from this, animals must be wanted by all the family.

BlueFlowers5 · 11/09/2024 18:16

A very young kitten needs company and not being left alone for more than a couple of hours. Get it a friend and it won't miaow out of loneliness.

Andwegoroundagain · 11/09/2024 18:40

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 11/09/2024 11:39

Op. You are being a total trooper, take what helps you from the thread and don't hold onto the rest. If you keep or re-home the cat it's up to you. You don't have to justify yourself here. 💐

This post nails it
OP you're doing your best! Well done.
Be interesting to see what DH thinks after his day

GaryLurcher19 · 11/09/2024 20:11

MyMiniMetro · 11/09/2024 12:31

Technically the icd-11 calls narcissistic tendencies 'dissociality' and it varies in degree. But generally speaking it is the right term for an cognitive inability or unwillingness to empathise and see other's point of view and to make your own needs the centre of consideration at the expense of others, often in exaggerated ways. These are certainly not symptoms of stress or grief. We don't just lump all mental health symptoms in together. Some symptoms are episodic or situational and some are personality based.

Oh for goodness' sake.

Stickytoffeepudding6 · 11/09/2024 20:39

Zizanna · 11/09/2024 11:49

You should rehome the kitten now. Holding onto him longer is just going to make it worse for him to lose his home and more difficult to rehome as he won’t be a kitten any longer. This kitten should have been taken back on day 1. What a chaos!

This.

Honestly please do the kitten a kindness and give him up. You know you will eventually.

The longer you leave it the more he will be stressed out in a rescue wondering where his family have gone. It's harder for older cats to be adopted.

So the poor fella doesn't have any bed, toys or proper food?? Does he have a proper litter tray?

I know people are not cat people and that's fine. But I am a cat person and reading your posts are really annoying the crap out of me.

I know you have lots of stuff going on etc but that poor kitten hasn't done anything. Why can't you just order the bed and everything else off amazon? You don't even have to go out...

You might as well make peace with you being responsible for him. Your husband will not.

The kitten will suffer as a result of this. I honestly don't know why you aren't calling a rescue and giving him up.

You don't want him, your kids don't want him. Tell your husband to naff off.

Where are you?? I will take the kitten myself if you want.

diddl · 11/09/2024 20:47

If your husband isn't home enough to look after the kitten it just isn't workable.

EPankhurst · 11/09/2024 22:40

You have the perfect opportunity to rehome the kitten while DH is away. if he can bring a cat into your home without your agreement, you can remove a cat from your home without his agreement.

Runnerinthenight · 12/09/2024 00:03

coldcallerbaiter · 10/09/2024 07:01

Oh you ought to get a dog then and have your life revolve around its poo routine and live in a stinky house because your children’s dear little souls are missing out, how awful, blah

Edited

What a load of horseshit. My children love dogs too - we just prefer cats, if that's all right with you?>!

Runnerinthenight · 12/09/2024 00:07

Whatafustercluck · 10/09/2024 07:59

My lovely old girl died two years ago and I vowed never to get another cat, I was so heartbroken.

But the house just felt too empty while i was working from home, with the kids both at school. So, we now have two boys, who are absolutely gorgeous! They've fitted right in to our family.

That's exactly how I felt too! The house just did feel so empty. My eldest two children were then living away from home, and youngest is a gamer (!!) so I felt a bit lonely. Hence two girlcats and one boycat! We all adore them!

Runnerinthenight · 12/09/2024 00:15

Elkle · 10/09/2024 10:25

Yeeeah... judging by your posts I think there's some underlying reason you're being so rude to people who don't like cats. You do understand that people have different likes, fears, etc. and calling people hostile and worrying about their kids based on not owning a cat is slightly unhinged?
I could go on about how your kids missed out and how awful for you not having a dog, but even just typing it can see how bizarre it is to actually think so.
You are correct in that it is best for me not to own a cat though, I said that in my first post.

What's your problem then? You agree with me that you shouldn't have a cat? I believe I included dogs when I said that I feel that children should grow up with a pet? It's just that our pet of choice has been cats, largely because we've always been out of the house all day and we don't think our lifestyle is fair on a dog - it's not that we are adverse to dogs, just being considerate of them!

I don't care what you say - I will never, ever understand why people don't like cats OR dogs unless they are carrying some form of trauma. And you have been pretty rude to me!

So go on, what's the "underlying reason" then? Go on and psycho-analyse me!!! 😂And you call me "slightly unhinged"???

Runnerinthenight · 12/09/2024 00:19

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 10/09/2024 15:04

OP... are you having a laugh? Why are you doing all this for the cat? Why are you letting your husband get away with this. Why aren't you telling him to fuck off with his instructions about this cat and that you are not so much as filling a bowl of water for him, he's not your responsibility.

You're only creating a rod for your own back now, as well as your sons', and my sympathy is waning.

Presumably because the OP has compassion for this poor little sentient being kitten, who has landed in such a hostile environment?? (Fair play OP, your DH is a total dick!)

Runnerinthenight · 12/09/2024 00:20

1apenny2apenny · 10/09/2024 12:09

Well done OP you win this weeks prize for letting your DH walk all over you and your children. Your DH has 'won' and you are taking responsibility for the cat. You've shown your children that whatever your DH says goes, they see you haven't supported them.

If I had heard my DH say 'well it's here now you'll just have to get in with it'. I would have said well I hope you're going to take care of the cat otherwise it won't be here it will be at the rescue. Then I would have rung him at work and told him you noticed the cat had no water so he needs to start to take responsibility as you won't be 'looking' any more.

Are you advocating that the OP should neglect this little baby creature just because her DH is a bellend?

Runnerinthenight · 12/09/2024 00:24

Deepf60 · 10/09/2024 17:59

Wow! Cats can be nasty too! I can't stand them near me with their sharp claws and evil looks. I wouldn't have one in my house

You know nothing!! 😂You are actually so missing out!

I'm sure no cat would be happy in your cold house either.

Runnerinthenight · 12/09/2024 00:27

sunshinestar1986 · 10/09/2024 20:34

Lots of people seem to think everyone adores pets
I don't mind admiring a cat from a distance but that's it.
I looked after my sister's cat when she was away for a week and it was a nightmare
Actually I looked after him for 2 days 😅
Then I begged my brother to have him.
The cat pounced suddenly and appeared in my room suddenly
It was very unsettling
I like my peace and quiet
Also you have to feed it, clean the litter box, let it out, make sure you don't leave the house for too long otherwise it gets lonely, no freedom!
Why oh why do people like all this 😂

You don't have a clue how much joy and fun a cat (or dog) brings into your life! You are missing out.

Runnerinthenight · 12/09/2024 00:43

FlingThatCarrot · 11/09/2024 09:12

This is so odd as we were told cats are solitary and advised to only ever get one! Until a charity was full and then they gave us 2 sisters. Who then spent 20years fighting and hissing at each other.

We've had it from both sides! We adopted a 5 year old girl, and a couple of weeks later, we got our 18 month old girl. For over 2 years, they have consistently not got on (mostly because our now 7 year old just doesn't like other cats, which CP failed to tell us!)

8 months ago we adopted a floofy male 18 month old, and he and our younger girl have bonded so much that they play together, groom each other and sleep together. It's heartwarming. But it was a huge risk that we might have had 3 cats who hated each other!

Runnerinthenight · 12/09/2024 00:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I don't think I am the one who sounds "unhinged"! Some introspection is often a good thing.

I am actually a better person because I have empathy for animals, whether you like it or not. It influences how I deal with human beings too. You should try it.

FirecrackerK · 12/09/2024 02:07

Im a cat person but I don't think a partner should bring home a pet without consent from his partner.

That said, my partner is ND and a massive cat lover, grew up with them. He was so gentle and kind with my old cat before she died, I really do think learning to care for a small animal as a child is very positive

Also cats are fairly low maintenance once you get past the kitten stage

Pleiades2020 · 12/09/2024 04:28

Keep the cat and rehome the husband.

Harry12345 · 12/09/2024 09:10

Gmary22 · 11/09/2024 10:43

Having pets is really good for children and the fact that your son hates pets is concerning, it will do him well to learn some kindness and love for animals.

Not everyone likes animals and that’s ok, I like dogs but not cats or rodents, as long as you wouldn’t harm an animal it’s ok to not like them

DangerousAlchemy · 12/09/2024 11:51

SleepGoalsJumped · 11/09/2024 09:25

@DangerousAlchemy in this situation choosing to rehome via a shelter is cruel. They would rather a kitten spend months in the shelter and develop serious socialisation issues while they find the "perfect" match rather than the horror of rehoming to a cat-loving family who live within 100 metres of a road. There's been hundreds of threads on mumsnet with people finding themselves unable to get a pet via a shelter because of some ridiculous restriction. Obviously if you use web sources you have to be cautious and apply common sense to ensure the pet will be loved and cared for but entrusting that to a shelter is not in a kitten's best interests when it will be happiest if it's in a forever home within the next couple of weeks. They do not work that way. They do a fine job with cats who have no other option eg when an older cat has ongoing medical issues and they need to find someone who can cope with the complexity.

I never once mentioned the kitten going into a rescue shelter- rescue charities use foster homes across the country (just like me) and the kitten would go into a home environmrmt or be matched with a similar aged kitten as playmate - that is what we do. Using an established charity to adopt a cat means the family who get the kitten have lifelong access to advice and also a means of returning a pet at any date during the life of that pet if things don't work out or if an owner moves abriad/gets divorced/has to move into rented housing/can no longer afford the cat etc etc. Contracts are signed and promises are made. You definitely don't get this security if you sell your kitten to some random bloke in the next town off an online pet selling site. You would have no idea if the new home would meet that animals complex requirements. We home check and vet all the people we adopt our cats out to. We ensure they are neutered, microchipped, vaccinated have had flea tx and wormers plus they get 5 weeks free insurance. All the foster homes attached to the charity care deeply about cats and many are hugely knowledgeable about kitten needs, requirements and any behavioural issues. We actually try and buy kittens from local online selling sites just so they don't fall into the wrong hands. Dog fighting groups woukd think nothing of paying £50 for a young kitten. Better still if it's a female kitten they can use for breeding. No young, unneutered animal should be sold online as there are no guaranteed Bob down the road will bother getting his pets neutered. There is a HUGE kitten crisis this year all charities across the coubtry are struggling to cope. Rescue is still the best way forward if OP decides not to keep the kitten as they will still offer the best advice Steer clear of the RSPCA tho as they are awful and will prob suggest she puts the kitten outside. Go for smaller local charities who use foster homes. I'm fostering 8 week old kittens and the Mum atm - had them in my house for 6 weeks now and they are thriving.

EmpressaurusDeiGatti · 12/09/2024 12:25

The rescue I foster for feel just the same, @DangerousAlchemy. My eighth & ninth fosters are sprawled on my bed at the moment & at the weekend one of them’s off to his new home. We’re all thrilled for him, just as we are for every foster who gets adopted.

queenofguineapigs · 12/09/2024 12:31

I don't care what you say - I will never, ever understand why people don't like cats OR dogs unless they are carrying some form of trauma. And you have been pretty rude to me

All you have to understand is that not everyone likes everything. It's not a character flaw, it's a good thing. If we all liked the same things and hobbies life would be very boring and very crowded.

Harry12345 · 12/09/2024 13:35

Runnerinthenight · 12/09/2024 00:27

You don't have a clue how much joy and fun a cat (or dog) brings into your life! You are missing out.

Not if you’re allergic or have previously been attacked by a cat or dog, I love dogs but can understand that not everyone does, I’m not really keen on babies

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 12/09/2024 13:47

queenofguineapigs · 12/09/2024 12:31

I don't care what you say - I will never, ever understand why people don't like cats OR dogs unless they are carrying some form of trauma. And you have been pretty rude to me

All you have to understand is that not everyone likes everything. It's not a character flaw, it's a good thing. If we all liked the same things and hobbies life would be very boring and very crowded.

This, with your username, is perfect. 😁

Isreal · 12/09/2024 15:26

Take it back, it is grossly unfair to treat it this way.
you will be doing it a kindness by sending it to home where it will be loved.
if 3 people out of four don’t want a cat then it needs to be removed.
i personally would hate a cat in my home.
your husband is a dick for doing this without consultation, I would give him an ultimatum too