To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

[WinkyTinky]

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

Those who think the husband is the right, are you happy with him ignoring this kitten and shutting it in a freezing cold conservatory?
I am a cat lover but can perfectly understand not everyone is and plenty of people are scared of cats. Pets should never be imposed on people who don't want them.
This guy is a dick.

Kittens are not easy in the slightest.

Having pets is really good for children and the fact that your son hates pets is concerning, it will do him well to learn some kindness and love for animals.

You and your children are a bunch of drama queens. I feel more sorry for the cat more than any of you heartless humans. The cat is better off out of there.

Rescues exist and a little kitten is likely to be rehomed relatively easily. That's what I'd be doing in your specific situation.

Then when DH gets home from Leeds and there's no sign of a cat, you can smile sweetly and ask him if he's losing his mind. What cat? We've never had a cat.

They're also the ones actually caring for the cat.

First of all, please don't think of my son as some kind of animal-hater. He really is not, he just would rather not have a pet in the house. Not all kids want pets, and there's nothing wrong or weird about that. He has not mistreated the cat whatsoever and is trying to be patient with it. Please don't forget that he is dealing with a lot of things in his life and this is not about crying over a kitten. I appreciate those who do understand this, and anyone who doesn't understand it, please give him a break on this.

What I came back to say, as an update, is that DS12 and I played with Max all evening and made sure he was happy to be with us, DS16 got on with his work without any distraction, and DH was out. We found things for him to play with as he didn't arrive with any toys, and he seems to enjoy getting into a cardboard drinks holder which is his new play tunnel, batting a tennis ball around, and climbing in and out of a shoe box. We made him a bed out of a few fleece blankets and put out fresh water and food and then went to bed ourselves.

For some of you commenting, and I appreciate all the comments, I will be doing good by looking after Max and making sure he's comfortable, and for others I will be doing the wrong thing by taking over the responsibility of looking after him, so I can't do right for doing wrong.

It is DH's first real day with Max and is working from home, so maybe he will realise what the rest of us have been doing, and that it isn't 'just a cat' so therefore you can't leave him to do his own thing all day. I've told him to sort out a proper bed, toys, make sure he has the right food, that cats are lactose intolerant, and that this cat is entirely his responsibility.

I don't know whether he will stay or eventually need to be rehomed, and I have to say thank you very much for all the offers to rehome, it's very kind of you. DS12 seems to like him (apart from the screaming), I like him, but it's an extra thing to think about in an already busy household and life, and the principle of DH landing this on us out of the blue remains the point here. I still have the mental load of telling him to take responsibility, rather than just being able to leave it to him to take on himself. Yes, he is most likely ND, and anything I say him goes in one ear and out the other, so although I have expressed my views, I never know whether I've been heard. The whole thing is exhausting, and eventually I will find a way to break away from such a frustrating and unfulfilling relationship. The cat is just another layer on top of many things.

OP, you're doing a fabulous job. It must be exhausting to live with someone who essentially acts like a child (taking on responsibilities which they are unable/unwilling to meet) but unlike a child has access to resources that mean that he can cause any amount of chaos and aggro for the rest of you. There's a reason that no one responsible would sell or give a pet to a child, shame that doesn't extend to certain adults.

Op. You are being a total trooper, take what helps you from the thread and don't hold onto the rest. If you keep or re-home the cat it's up to you. You don't have to justify yourself here. 💐

Massive hugs. As your husband brought the cat home, you can arrange to take it away and say it’s gone now. Deal with it in the same way he has done with you.
put your kids first. DH can have a cat when they’ve grown up.
you know this is all falling in your lap.
time to reevaluate household tasks including the kids so it’s not all on you.
my ND kid has always done age appropriate jobs like take out recycling, bring all the dishes down that migrate upstairs every day etc. they have list so it’s visual. Give DH tasks like meal planning and shopping for every other week.

You should rehome the kitten now. Holding onto him longer is just going to make it worse for him to lose his home and more difficult to rehome as he won’t be a kitten any longer. This kitten should have been taken back on day 1. What a chaos!

That’s really odd behaviour from your DH, but I’m surprised by your sons’ reactions - my kids begged for pets since they were tiny!!

To this message I would reply

"DH - this is your cat. Any and all care for the animal is up to you.
If you are not available to care/feed/look after the cat, it should be rehomed.

I will not be putting any cushion seat in the kitchen or leaving rugs on the floor as they are a slip/trip hazard. If the kitchen door is left open, which could happen, I am not responsible for wherever Max may go.

You did not ask us whether we wanted this animal and we do not accept responsibility for the care and welfare of the animal.

Please look after it yourself"

Technically the icd-11 calls narcissistic tendencies 'dissociality' and it varies in degree. But generally speaking it is the right term for an cognitive inability or unwillingness to empathise and see other's point of view and to make your own needs the centre of consideration at the expense of others, often in exaggerated ways. These are certainly not symptoms of stress or grief. We don't just lump all mental health symptoms in together. Some symptoms are episodic or situational and some are personality based.

I read a similar post and woman brought a pet home, and the husband wasn't happy, noone called the woman an idiot or selfish, in fact everyone was saying to get rid of husband as controlling, so why is the husband selfish in this one but the woman wasn't selfishbin her story.

That’s Mumsnet for you - a hotbed of misandry!

I've seen several similar posts over time and the overwhelming consensus is that no-one should be expected at accept a pet they don't want, and that imposing an unwanted extra member of the family on other people in the house is completely unreasonable on the people and the animal.

There was one the other day where the pet had been jointly agreed for a long time, and then when it came to it the DH moved the goal posts without giving a reason. Though op resolved it ok in the end once she was able to get him to talk properly. Maybe that's the one you're thinking of?

Pets kids and men are all the same to me too much hassle to deal with.

You’re not being unreasonable in that it should be a family decision, however it sounds like you and your son are massively over reacting, I find it really odd that’s a 16yr old boy would cry about it, most take the grunt and ignore line as teenagers! Makes me think there’s more mh issues going on than just the acquiring of a kitten.

I've got my last three cats through a charity. They're fostered in people's homes. My last one was born in the rescue. I chose him when he was 3 weeks old and he was beautifully socialised when I got him.

Well, erm, thanks. The stress and grief are known issues described by the OP. Where did your strange diagnosis of narcissism come from?

Oops, the quote vanished; that was to MiniMetro's little psych lecture on the International Classification of Diseases, which seemed OTT for this issue.

The posts are always one sided, and based on the description is rather over dramatic for bring a kitten home. I wouldn't be happy but it's the end of the world.

My kids a other half all wanted a dog, I didn't want one as thought it would be a tie, especially as the children got older, but got out voted! We now have two and I wouldn't be without them!

If you ask me they are both as bad as one another, in a good marriage there needs to be some compromise.

How have you not said anything?