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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

881 replies

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 06:52

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

OP posts:
Mummyto2boyz · 11/09/2024 08:59

I find this hard to judge because if i had a husband who brought home a kitten i would be over joyed.
Please rehome this kitten. As it grows so will your resentment towards it and the poor wee thing deserves a family that loves it.

DangerousAlchemy · 11/09/2024 09:00

I feel sorry for you and your DS OP but THAT POOR KITTEN!!! needs rehoming immediately to a family that actually give a shit!!! & yes far too cold overnight now in a conservatory all alone

AlleycatMarie · 11/09/2024 09:01

Hi @WinkyTinky I am a massive cat lover and couldn’t imagine my life without them in it, but I am totally on your side. Your DH has been very irresponsible, you don’t bring a cat into a house that isn’t going to be loved by everyone and you don’t make this decision without agreeing as a household. It would be better for the cat and your family if it was rehomed. Do you know anyone who would take it?

SpanielintheWorks · 11/09/2024 09:01

MyMiniMetro · 11/09/2024 08:53

House full of narcissists. Husband brings back a cat because he wants one. Nearly adult son has an out of proportion meltdown over a kitten because someone dared to go against his wishes. Feel sorry for the kitten.

Son who is grieving a friend's death and has longer standing issues gets easily overwhelmed, you mean.

Mother who is dealing with that whilst caring for her brother and mother is also unimpressed but kind to the kitten.

'Narcissism' is not the right term for grief and stress.

GingerDoris · 11/09/2024 09:01

I've always found cats the most easy and chilled pets to look after. My husband came home with a hamster once. That was a true pain in the arse. 😆 I just hope the kitten is OK. Makes me feel sad if no one is giving it any love or playing with it.

SleepGoalsJumped · 11/09/2024 09:03

If your DH can unilaterally acquire a pet you can unilaterally rehome it. Advertise it on Pets4Homes explaining that it was a totally inappropriate purchase and needs a loving home quickly. Make sure the new owners are genuine pet lovers and don't make it free or too cheap - horrific people acquire "free to good home" pets to use as bait in illegal bloodsports. Do this as quickly as possible - a kitten is very adaptable to new circumstances, as their instincts when weaned are to seek out a territory niche, but they are a bit slower to settle the older they are so it's best to find a forever home swiftly.

SleepGoalsJumped · 11/09/2024 09:06

I'm a cat lover and I get pissed off with our cat all the time because of the smells and the sheer bloodyminded selfishness of the creature. But I put up with it because I love her. No one who doesn't love cats should have to share their home with one.

I would also have a think about rehoming your DH, who is clearly a selfish arsehole not suitable for sharing your home with (similar to a cat)

DangerousAlchemy · 11/09/2024 09:06

Also you cannot let a 13 week kitten outside when you've only just brought it into your home!!! wtaf is wrong with your husband plus giving it milk!!! when cats are lactose intolerant. I feel so incredibly sorry for this poor kitten. Kittens should be kept indoors intil 6-7 months and obviously also once they have been neutered. They are often too small to roam around otherwise and will get attacked by local bigger cats or run over. Contact your local charity immediately to discuss rehoming this poor animal or find out where he got it from and try abd return it or find a friend who wants a kitten. Also single kitten syndrome is a real thing and we never adopt out one kitten unless there's another young cat in the family for it to play with. I say this as someone who fosters cats for local charity plus ex-veterinary nurse. Plus also your husband is a total tool!!

DangerousAlchemy · 11/09/2024 09:09

SleepGoalsJumped · 11/09/2024 09:03

If your DH can unilaterally acquire a pet you can unilaterally rehome it. Advertise it on Pets4Homes explaining that it was a totally inappropriate purchase and needs a loving home quickly. Make sure the new owners are genuine pet lovers and don't make it free or too cheap - horrific people acquire "free to good home" pets to use as bait in illegal bloodsports. Do this as quickly as possible - a kitten is very adaptable to new circumstances, as their instincts when weaned are to seek out a territory niche, but they are a bit slower to settle the older they are so it's best to find a forever home swiftly.

@SleepGoalsJumped please don't advise advertising kittens or cats on a social media/internet site. She needs to contact all local charities and see if they have room (they probably won't as there's a huge kitten crisis this year as stupid morons all over the country aren't bothering to get their cats neutered) or she needs to try and find a good home for it herself but not rehome to a random stranger!

FlingThatCarrot · 11/09/2024 09:11

You do all seem very overly worked up about a cat. They are pretty easy going things.

Why would you worry about the conservatory being cold? It's a cat, mine used to lie out in the snow all day by choice. As long as ita got a bed and it's sick or malnourished it'll cope in a conservatory for a bit.

You also only need a litter tray and to worry about it getting out for a few weeks then it'll just go outside.

Obviously wrong of DH to get it but it's just a cat not a donkey. Are you possibly winding your kids up more by acting very stressed and flustered yourself? You can mostly ignore cats, they do their own thing and come for a cuddle.

Also you could just take it to a cat charity and then respond to DH, "Well its gone now, so that's that" much the same as he said to you about it's arrival.

FlingThatCarrot · 11/09/2024 09:12

DangerousAlchemy · 11/09/2024 09:06

Also you cannot let a 13 week kitten outside when you've only just brought it into your home!!! wtaf is wrong with your husband plus giving it milk!!! when cats are lactose intolerant. I feel so incredibly sorry for this poor kitten. Kittens should be kept indoors intil 6-7 months and obviously also once they have been neutered. They are often too small to roam around otherwise and will get attacked by local bigger cats or run over. Contact your local charity immediately to discuss rehoming this poor animal or find out where he got it from and try abd return it or find a friend who wants a kitten. Also single kitten syndrome is a real thing and we never adopt out one kitten unless there's another young cat in the family for it to play with. I say this as someone who fosters cats for local charity plus ex-veterinary nurse. Plus also your husband is a total tool!!

This is so odd as we were told cats are solitary and advised to only ever get one! Until a charity was full and then they gave us 2 sisters. Who then spent 20years fighting and hissing at each other.

Gettingbysomehow · 11/09/2024 09:18

Cats are not easy to look after necessarily so you need to really like cats to have them.cat number 1 comes from an abusive household and is either sitting on my lap or hiding. If she has any stress at all like the postman or a visitor or sees another cat she pisses all over the house. I've had to buy a spot cleaner.
Cat 2 is very cute and loving but also quite feral. She has made Turner prize artwork out of all my furniture and carpets, brings live rats home and lets them run free and terrorises the neighbours dog.
And the fur the endless fur on everything.
I suggest you rehome the kitten ASAP.

Gettingbysomehow · 11/09/2024 09:19

P.s you don't need your H permission. He didn't ask your permission before bringing this kitten home.

Isthisasgoodasitis · 11/09/2024 09:19

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 06:52

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

To start with who makes the rules in your house? Ds is not old enough and questioning his father that’s rude but a whole other issue …

the cat that should have been a joint thing and you are old ready going to fail … cats are social creatures and require company cat of similar age or human, they are also able to smell anxiety and stress in humans and due to its own current fear state it’s gonna gravitate to your son … the anti cat super stressed one 🤦‍♀️ it’s their thing so you’ve got a problem the other issue is this kitten has had siblings and at least one parent to source heat from to this point so if its in the porch it’s absolutely too damn cold for it and it WILL die!! Slowly and painfully so it needs a heat source either in the house or a heat mat it will need on all the time, cats can be crate trained so there’s that option. The last issue is its speed agility and need to be with company it’s guaranteed to slip out and it will get into trouble resulting in its death or expensive vet bills ….. I am a vet I am qualified in animal welfare behaviour nutrition and husbandry so please tell your husband from me he is a selfish narcissistic cockwombling malaka and needs to address the welfare needs of the cat over his own stupidity and fix it!!!

DangerousAlchemy · 11/09/2024 09:20

Where are you based OP? If its near me I'm coming to get your kitten! maybe the charity I foster for can help 😪😪

queenofguineapigs · 11/09/2024 09:20

You do all seem very overly worked up about a cat. They are pretty easy going things

they still cost money and time to keep, though. Food, vets bills, cat care if you want to go away, etc. And kittens need house training etc, it's not like taking on an older cat eg if the owner dies or has to move into a property that isn't suitable for pets.

If people want pets, they need to take the responsibility seriously.

Swiftie1878 · 11/09/2024 09:23

Where are you? We’ll take your kitten.

otherwise you need to put it in its carrier and take it to a cat sanctuary or rehoming centre immediately. The poor mite 🥺☹️

SleepGoalsJumped · 11/09/2024 09:25

@DangerousAlchemy in this situation choosing to rehome via a shelter is cruel. They would rather a kitten spend months in the shelter and develop serious socialisation issues while they find the "perfect" match rather than the horror of rehoming to a cat-loving family who live within 100 metres of a road. There's been hundreds of threads on mumsnet with people finding themselves unable to get a pet via a shelter because of some ridiculous restriction. Obviously if you use web sources you have to be cautious and apply common sense to ensure the pet will be loved and cared for but entrusting that to a shelter is not in a kitten's best interests when it will be happiest if it's in a forever home within the next couple of weeks. They do not work that way. They do a fine job with cats who have no other option eg when an older cat has ongoing medical issues and they need to find someone who can cope with the complexity.

Isthisasgoodasitis · 11/09/2024 09:29

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 07:43

To those commenting on DS's possibly neuro diversity, yes, he very probably is ND. He's also going through a tough time with many things, and I am trying my best to support him and help him find some relief from his feelings. To have this happen, which might seem like nothing to most people, is one more thing to stress him out, knowing that his dad is fully aware of him not wanting a pet and going ahead and getting one anyway. Also, he is as concerned as I am about this kitten and what it needs and why it's mewing so much. I don't even know where the poor thing is! Dh has gone to work and not said a word. I can see he's left food and milk and the litter tray in the conservatory, but as lots of you have said, it's not just the practical things, this poor tiny kitten has only recently left its mum, and the person who is supposed to be responsible for giving it a home has gone out for the entire day. Am I now taking the day off to try and care for this kitten?

You have too much going on, cows milk will make the kitten sick and give it diarrhoea!! It needs flea and worm treatment can not go outside until it’s been neutered around 7-10 months is ideal, if it then goes out it WILL bring friends home usually strays (I now have 23 cats for this reason) your husband has assumed the cat will take care of itself and this is absolutely not the case he’s an idiot at best but as I said he needs to address this nightmare he’s created and grown up!!! I can help you find a safe foster for it but your husband will have to cover its expenses … if you reply I will post my number and I will help you

MauveExpert · 11/09/2024 09:34

This whole situation is so strange to me but it sounds like there’s neurodiversity going on with your husband and son maybe.

That aside, honestly I’m worried about the welfare of this poor kitten being with you all. The best solution is for them to taken back to the original home so they can find caring owners.

Els1e · 11/09/2024 09:45

I would take the initiative and be phoning round cat sanctuaries to see if they can take the kitten. Your H has been totally irresponsible. As someone said, he didn't talk to you before bringing the kitten home, you are under no obligation to consult H when trying to get the kitten to a good place. Read some of these comments to your H - see if the penny drops.

whoputallofthatthere · 11/09/2024 10:25

I'm the biggest pet/animal lover out there but I would be fuming about this. It shows a complete lack of regard for the feelings of everyone else living in the house, never mind the welfare of the animal. (I know you will be kind to it, what I mean is that it isn't fair to bring an animal home if not everyone is on board with its prescence.)

Why does his desire to have a cat trump the desires of the other three people in the house?

In your shoes I would phone a rescue shelter to see if they can take the poor thing, and then just take him straight there without further discussion. And i would be having very stern words with my partner as well. This is not on in any way shape or form. I feel so sorry for the poor cat who must be so unsettled being shunted from a. to b., but it's the responsible thing to do if he isn't really wanted.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 11/09/2024 10:26

@WinkyTinky

Is there an update

you have now lots of good advice on how to care for a kitten, including advice from those in the Veterinary world.

and at least 3 offers of a home...

DottyLottieLou · 11/09/2024 10:36

Remove the cat, then your husband.

pompeydad · 11/09/2024 10:38

Doubledenim305 · 11/09/2024 01:50

Typical man thinking just about what he wants then disappearing to please himself again while other people and little kitten suffer.
As long as he's alright Jack.
I don't know what to recommend.

You know all men? no i dont think so...