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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

881 replies

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 06:52

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

OP posts:
PinkSparklyPussyCat · 10/09/2024 21:20

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 10/09/2024 20:12

Why does she need to look after this cat? She didn't ask for this cat, neither did the DSs and they as a family spoke about not wanting a cat in the house?

The husband has unilaterally decided this and foisted the Carr of this cat on them... and you think they should just suck it up?

Well yes, they'll have to suck it up until the poor kitten can be rehomed. What do you suggest they do, neglect him? If DH isn't there someone will have to feed and care for him.

Teenagehorrorbag · 10/09/2024 21:24

Well if DS is ND there's a good chance DH is too (yes I too found that out the hard way.....😀). So maybe he isn't being deliberately obtuse. But he was very wrong to bring the kitten home without agreement and then expect others to look after it.

I agree with PPs that maybe your DCs could learn to love Max - kittens are pretty easy and very adorable. But if that's a definite no then please return it or take it to a cat charity.

And if you do keep it, no cows milk, yes to neutering at 6 months, vaccinations each year etc etc.

My ASD 16 year old loves animals, and has always been close to our cats. But if its really upsetting your DS then of course you need to take that into consideration.

AnnieSnap · 10/09/2024 21:33

Bloody hell, it’s a kitten, not an Emu. How on earth are your kids having a meltdown over this? Frankly, I think it’s weird that your children never wanted a pet. I have never heard of that. It’s usually kids plaguing parents for years to get a pet. This kitten will teach your kids a lot about nurturing and caring, even if they only see their dad doing it. They may, in the end, even fall in love with the little cat (these things happen). Stroking an animal and listening to a cat purring are well established things that reduce anxiety so you older one could learn to benefit from that.

I do realise that you and many posters won’t agree with me. I will say that your husband probably (we don’t know all of the circumstances) should not have done this without without further (recent) discussion.

ForsterMcLennan · 10/09/2024 22:09

Serencwtch · 09/09/2024 07:00

You are not being unreasonable to be upset with DH as that was unacceptable of him to do that, however I think you are massively over reacting over the impact this kitten is having. A cat is not going to disrupt a child's education. Also pets can be really helpful to children with mental health struggles.
I think there a lot going on in your family and it's being projected onto this kitten. You need to sit down & work this out. If it's something that's very important to DH then consider making it work as a family. Personally I can't imagine living in a household where there were no pets & caring for a living thing is important for DC.

You seem to be the one giving the message to DC that the cat is something awful. I just hope DH looks after this cat & the poor thing isn't neglected.

This

SpanielintheWorks · 10/09/2024 22:09

even if they only see their dad doing it

Except, as is somewhat obvious, he's not doing it.

Instead he's setting an example of how to neglect a pet.

ForsterMcLennan · 10/09/2024 22:09

AnnieSnap · 10/09/2024 21:33

Bloody hell, it’s a kitten, not an Emu. How on earth are your kids having a meltdown over this? Frankly, I think it’s weird that your children never wanted a pet. I have never heard of that. It’s usually kids plaguing parents for years to get a pet. This kitten will teach your kids a lot about nurturing and caring, even if they only see their dad doing it. They may, in the end, even fall in love with the little cat (these things happen). Stroking an animal and listening to a cat purring are well established things that reduce anxiety so you older one could learn to benefit from that.

I do realise that you and many posters won’t agree with me. I will say that your husband probably (we don’t know all of the circumstances) should not have done this without without further (recent) discussion.

Perfectly put.

Fatbottomgardener · 10/09/2024 22:14

Time to re-home your DH

thismummydrinksgin · 10/09/2024 22:15

Ah give the cat a chance, also why does your Son get to dictate whether there's a pet in the house. If it's outside his room pick it up and move it, give it a fuss.

SquishyGloopyBum · 10/09/2024 22:24

So he came back with a surprise cat and as well as not providing water, he's now fucked off out?

Where is your anger op? This is appalling.

pineapplesundae · 10/09/2024 22:24

I would take the cat back while husband is at work.

Umbrella15 · 10/09/2024 22:26

I dont agree that your husband should of just bought a kitten back, however, your sons and your reaction is a bit OTT. Crying over a defenceless kitten. A kitten, and when its a fully grown cat, wont distrub your sons life. It wont affect his A levels. Why do you think that op ?. I have 2 cats and they are actully very loving if treated right. Your son needs to learn that he cant always get his own way, and you never know, he might evan fall in love with the kitten.

Drivingoverlemons · 10/09/2024 22:34

ForsterMcLennan · 10/09/2024 22:09

Perfectly put.

Agree.

I am trying to imagine any other scenario where three people would be against having a kitten and I am struggling tbh.

GlomOfNit · 10/09/2024 23:13

God, poor little cat. I really hope you and your dickhead DH grow some balls and get it rehomed. It won't be hard, there are plenty of families who do like kittens (unlike your slightly odd-sounding household). I have two ND sons myself so I do get the rigidity of thinking from your older son, but I think if your dickhead husband had actually talked to his family about how much he desperately needed a cat himself, perhaps your son would have been able to accept that. Autistic people can sometimes cope better with changes if it's gradual or they are able to understand a reasoned, logical argument.

But the way he's done this, I think the damage has been done. And a cold conservatory at night is NOT a good idea. Kittens aren't adult cats, they don't have enough body mass to keep warm and in nature would still be snuggling with siblings. Plus, one kitten on its down (some rescues won't even allow you to take just one!) will be sad and lonely and shouldn't be sleeping on its own.

(Do you think your husband might be autistic? The compartmentalised way he's done this, thinking about his own needs and not putting himself into anyone else's shoes, makes me wonder.)

Thefsm · 10/09/2024 23:19

While he should have at least informed you all he was getting a cat, the reaction is ridiculous. 16 year old boy so horrified about a tiny kitten he doesn’t want to come home? I’d be getting that kid psych help pronto because that is abnormal. The 12 year old is feeding off your over reaction.

tell your husband he has to look after it properly by himself as you will not be feeding or cleaning after it. But stop being such a drama queen and so controlling.

oakleaffy · 10/09/2024 23:19

Kitten needs a loving home asap to socialise him properly.
Under-socialised cats have a much harder time of it, and become fearful of any new thing in their environment.

He needs loving attention, and not being shut away all alone, plus he needs a warm bed in which to snuggle.

He's probably come straight from a litter where he had his siblings, so will be feeling isolated and confused, poor little thing.

Hope he finds a loving home soon.

Lolalady · 10/09/2024 23:26

I feel sorry for the kitten. To bring a pet into a family everyone needs to be on board. Perhaps your DH thought that once the kitten arrived you’d all find it irresistible and change your minds.

I do find your childrens’ attitudes somewhat extreme though. To think a tiny kitten is going to disrupt your son’s educations is very odd to say the least! However I’m an animal lover with 2 dogs.

Doubledenim305 · 11/09/2024 01:50

Typical man thinking just about what he wants then disappearing to please himself again while other people and little kitten suffer.
As long as he's alright Jack.
I don't know what to recommend.

Doubledenim305 · 11/09/2024 01:53

Fatbottomgardener · 10/09/2024 22:14

Time to re-home your DH

🤣

PacificAtlantic · 11/09/2024 08:36

Rehome the husband and let him take his kitten.
That kind of dismissal of your thoughts and feelings on the issue is a huge indication of the respect he feels for you. I’d be absolutely incandescent about the pressure and strain he’s put on your struggling child without even so much as a heads up it was happening in advance. He and the cat need to go.

1989whome · 11/09/2024 08:43

Honestly I have no sympathy for you or your child. Just the kitten. Rehome it to someone who will love it and not lock it in the conservatory and treat it like a problem. No he shouldn't of got it, but it's not the kittens fault! Poor little thing

Sto123 · 11/09/2024 08:46

Irresponsible idiot imo

Dingdong90 · 11/09/2024 08:49

OK so he probably shouldn't have ...although I have done the same thing with a kitten. And honestly, I think if ds16 let the kitten spend some time with him, it might be beneficial for his wellbeing. Cats sleep like 90% of the time, if he let it curl up in his lap while he worked away at his desk they'd probably end up best buds

Emmz1510 · 11/09/2024 08:51

Getting a pet should be a joint family decision so it was wrong of your DH to do this, even worse that he is now essentially neglecting it.
Having said that, I’m sorry but as I was reading your post I couldn’t help but think both you and DS16 are grossly overreacting. Not to DH doing this, but to the whole idea of having a cat and the cat itself. Cats are not particularly disruptive animals. They generally aren’t noisy or messy or needy, unless of course they aren’t having any attention. That’s probably why the poor kitten is mewing all the time. A probably cared for cat is not going to disrupt anyone’s studies in the least. Where has he got that idea from?
You need to have a serious conversation with your OH. Why did he do this? If everyone’s feeling continues that he definitely has to take it back then he should do that or you do it. Or, recognising the benefits that a pet can bring- comfort, companionship, helping kids develop empathy, you say to DH that since he bought it he must care for it especially during this kitten period- that means playing with it, making sure she is fed and watered and giving her somewhere warm to sleep. If he can’t do those things then you will take it back. I’d give him three days.

MixedRaceMuslim · 11/09/2024 08:53

I would re home the kitten. If you guys do not love the kitten while it is cute and tiny then you will not love it once it is old and has costly medical bills. The fairest thing would be to find a home for it while it is little.

MyMiniMetro · 11/09/2024 08:53

House full of narcissists. Husband brings back a cat because he wants one. Nearly adult son has an out of proportion meltdown over a kitten because someone dared to go against his wishes. Feel sorry for the kitten.