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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

881 replies

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 06:52

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

OP posts:
thedefinitionofmadness · 09/09/2024 22:17

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/09/2024 22:08

I've got 3 cats and none of them have damaged anything. Noise, what noise? Purring? My cat does her business outside and partners cats use a litter tray so that's obviously his job to deal with but hoping in time they will do it outside too.
Tbh the only thing I ever have to do is rip open a pouch and pour it into bowl!
Il walk into a room and be like "oh, there's a cat" give it a stroke and that's that!
The kids love them.
They aren't dirty in the slightest cats are fastidious about grooming.
The flea/tick/worm stuff takes seconds, once a month job.

My cat, who we all wanted and everyone adores, makes a right racket (she shouts every time anyone leaves or arrives) and has damaged tons of stuff, knocked plenty of things off things, shredded furniture, runs up curtains. But all that is irrelevant. They don't want a cat and they've been saddled with one. They don't want to do any of that stuff, have the responsibility for another living thing or share their space with it.

Maybe all the cat people could imagine instead their DH had brought home a snake or reptile or rat or some other kind of animal they don't especially like - or consider that this is more about the human relations than anything else

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/09/2024 22:22

thedefinitionofmadness · 09/09/2024 22:17

My cat, who we all wanted and everyone adores, makes a right racket (she shouts every time anyone leaves or arrives) and has damaged tons of stuff, knocked plenty of things off things, shredded furniture, runs up curtains. But all that is irrelevant. They don't want a cat and they've been saddled with one. They don't want to do any of that stuff, have the responsibility for another living thing or share their space with it.

Maybe all the cat people could imagine instead their DH had brought home a snake or reptile or rat or some other kind of animal they don't especially like - or consider that this is more about the human relations than anything else

I've already said earlier in the thread that my opinion was that op should take said kitten straight to rescue. This was just my response to this particular post. And that's bizarre behaviour from your cat- we have three and none of them have ever damaged anything.

thedefinitionofmadness · 09/09/2024 22:28

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/09/2024 22:22

I've already said earlier in the thread that my opinion was that op should take said kitten straight to rescue. This was just my response to this particular post. And that's bizarre behaviour from your cat- we have three and none of them have ever damaged anything.

Its not so bizarre - she's a bengal, bags of personality and happy as larry - we too thought we'd have a cat who basically slept under our bed all day, but no. Also a pain to get her fed and kept company when we go away.

Comment about the cat people is for all of them not just you @Wavescrashingonthebeach , the ones who think it's abnormal not to be besotted with cats.

Whatafustercluck · 09/09/2024 22:58

Americano75 · 09/09/2024 21:48

Oh, @WinkyTinky I just thought of something else, I'm generalising here but in my experience cats gravitate to people who don't like them. They can be twisted that way!

My dad cannot stand cats. Ours have always made a beeline for him. It's because he avoids eye contact with them, which anyone who knows anything about cats understands is a friendly and encouraging gesture for cats. It says "I'm no threat to you, I'm safe". If you don't want a cat near you, stare it down.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/09/2024 23:00

thedefinitionofmadness · 09/09/2024 22:28

Its not so bizarre - she's a bengal, bags of personality and happy as larry - we too thought we'd have a cat who basically slept under our bed all day, but no. Also a pain to get her fed and kept company when we go away.

Comment about the cat people is for all of them not just you @Wavescrashingonthebeach , the ones who think it's abnormal not to be besotted with cats.

Ahhh a Bengal! Say no more 😂 i know what they're like!

Stickytoffeepudding6 · 09/09/2024 23:09

OP seriously do not let that kitten out. They need to be kept indoors for 12 months or so as a kitten.

Haven't got time to read all the messages so sorry if duplicating.

Will need vaccinations if not already done. Neuter around 6 months. No milk. Make sure has wet food. Change water regularly. Keep inside house an not conservatory.

Peachy2005 · 09/09/2024 23:14

oakleaffy · 09/09/2024 21:58

Litter trays do smell no matter how often they are cleansed out - I cat sat for someone the other week, and was absolutely checking the cat's tray several times a day, but when a cat does a poo in them, they smell! - and a cat is not going to want to use a dirty letterbox, any more than we would want to use a dirty lavatory.

An appropriate litter is essential. The people I sat for used ''Cat san'' they say that is the best they have tried. {Edit...seems some vets say this is too dusty}

Kitten poo can be really whiffy, especially if cows milk has been given to them.

Edited

Cats Best clumping cat litter is sooo much better. As long as you scoop out the clumps and solids regularly, it never goes smelly. You can just keep topping up the level. It is more expensive but totally worth it.

Bellyblueboy · 09/09/2024 23:16

Stickytoffeepudding6 · 09/09/2024 23:09

OP seriously do not let that kitten out. They need to be kept indoors for 12 months or so as a kitten.

Haven't got time to read all the messages so sorry if duplicating.

Will need vaccinations if not already done. Neuter around 6 months. No milk. Make sure has wet food. Change water regularly. Keep inside house an not conservatory.

There is special cat milk for kittens you can get in any supermarket.

I have never seen any vet recommend cats need to stay in for 12 months - it’s usually until they are neutered and vaccinated. But yes be cautious when they are young. I only let mine out on the back garden for an hour or so until she was around ten months - she she had access to a cat flap. A water fountain is a great way to ensure cats drink water - they like it fresh.

but this cat should not under any circumstances stay in this home. Someone out there will love and care for it. No one in that house will

Stickytoffeepudding6 · 10/09/2024 00:37

Bellyblueboy · 09/09/2024 23:16

There is special cat milk for kittens you can get in any supermarket.

I have never seen any vet recommend cats need to stay in for 12 months - it’s usually until they are neutered and vaccinated. But yes be cautious when they are young. I only let mine out on the back garden for an hour or so until she was around ten months - she she had access to a cat flap. A water fountain is a great way to ensure cats drink water - they like it fresh.

but this cat should not under any circumstances stay in this home. Someone out there will love and care for it. No one in that house will

Couldn't agree more. Poor baby will be so stressed. I only said about 12 months thing because the rescues in my area said keep them in.

Cactusesflower · 10/09/2024 01:14

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Caerulea · 10/09/2024 02:09

I think your DH was unreasonable however... Your kids reactions are really strange to me. I've never met any children who feel that way about pets. Fear of a particular type, sure, but blanket dislike of all pets like this? I don't think that's even close to usual I'm afraid & am curious how that came to be.

EleanorMc67 · 10/09/2024 02:32

I think you just need to get your priorities right - keep the kitten & rehome your husband ... 😸!!!

Floppyelf · 10/09/2024 03:07

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2024 12:03

@WinkyTinky Your husband really is an absolute moron!

Let the cat outside and it may never come back/get killed

PLEASE take it back or rehome it

Are you scared of his reaction?

Edited

@Nanny0gg is right

Runnerinthenight · 10/09/2024 04:37

Elkle · 09/09/2024 16:19

Why are some people afraid of dogs when they've never been harmed by one? Or spiders that can't harm us in the UK?
I have been around them a lot and don't like them. There are various reasons, but people are allowed to not like cats. MN can be odd when it comes to cats - it's okay to not like dogs but people who don't like cats are heartless and cold.
The dogs, rats, gerbils, hamsters, stick insects and birds I've had over the years have known boundless love and attention and have had plenty spent on large habitats, toys, vet fees, etc. I don't feel I am missing out having never had a cat.

It's probably for the best that you've never had a cat seeing as you are so hostile to them. It's irrrational.

Runnerinthenight · 10/09/2024 04:41

coldcallerbaiter · 09/09/2024 16:23

Please don’t feel sorry for my children because they don’t want or need cats! Yours seek out random cats to be ‘compassionate’ because you cannot understand a life without some dependant animal in tow…

Edited

Well I do. It's no way to rear a child. Your children are missing out on the love and the empathy that having a pet brings to them. You do you. I am more than happy with my decisions. We have never had a dog but they love dogs too. They are amazing young people and I am very proud of them!

Runnerinthenight · 10/09/2024 04:44

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 16:54

Thank you @FearOfTheDucks this is exactly right. He is very likely autistic, never investigated or diagnosed, but shows all the signs like needing his safe things to feel settled, and this is an unsettling thing for him. He has overcome lots of small fears and got out of his comfort zone with things like going to his prom when he was adamant he wasn't going to go until the last minute. He travels to another city on the bus for college, he speaks very well and politely to people such as teachers although he is very shy, but this is just something he has made clear he doesn't want. And for his dad to go against it, and foist a pet on him whether it's an 'easy' pet or otherwise just shows him he hasn't been heard. Also, the conservatory is his haven where he goes to just to chill out or do his weights, and right now it's home to a stinking litter tray, which as anyone familiar with ND knows is not great. Our house is small and quite open plan and it's a change that he didn't want, when all when wants is to relax in his home. Again, I could be being over the top, pandering to his needs, you could say all of that, but my priority is to have a happy kid.

The litter tray will only be stinking if it's not cleaned properly. Which your Dh should be doing!

Runnerinthenight · 10/09/2024 04:46

Salome61 · 09/09/2024 16:33

My beautiful cat died last summer, aged 17. I'd had cats for forty years and since my husband died, decided she would be my last. Mr Ratty moved straight into my garden, digging under both sides of my shed ... I've had to get rid of my plum and apple trees. I'd never realised what a good job Pandora had done.

Edited

Get another cat!! My 20+ year old former stray died 2.5 years ago. I couldn't bear the house without a cat so I now have three!

Runnerinthenight · 10/09/2024 04:53

SmallBox · 09/09/2024 17:49

God the cat lobby are out in force on this thread. I hate cats, I hate the disgusting smell of a litterbox, I hate fur everywhere, I hate half-dead birds or mice being deposited on the floor like a gift, I hate their gross food. If my dad had brought a cat home when the other three members of his family DID NOT WANT A CAT I would have been horrified. At any age. The husband is a cunt.

Edited

You have a serious defect as does anyone who hates cats.

I don't trust people who don't like cats.

Runnerinthenight · 10/09/2024 04:56

Evilartsgrad · 09/09/2024 18:07

Why should she love the effing cat? She didn't want one.

Blimey the catlovers are just not capable of understanding preference are they?

If anyone tried this on me they, and the cat, would be shown the door forthwith

Edited

With your attitude and the attitude of the OP, I hope the poor wee kitten gets rehomed to someone who is prepared to love and care for it properly.

Runnerinthenight · 10/09/2024 05:08

thedefinitionofmadness · 09/09/2024 22:17

My cat, who we all wanted and everyone adores, makes a right racket (she shouts every time anyone leaves or arrives) and has damaged tons of stuff, knocked plenty of things off things, shredded furniture, runs up curtains. But all that is irrelevant. They don't want a cat and they've been saddled with one. They don't want to do any of that stuff, have the responsibility for another living thing or share their space with it.

Maybe all the cat people could imagine instead their DH had brought home a snake or reptile or rat or some other kind of animal they don't especially like - or consider that this is more about the human relations than anything else

There's no question - kittens are destructive! I adopted older cats in the hope that they'd be over that phase. The 3 year old has dug up the carpet in our family room. The 7 year old has ripped up the carpet on the landing. The two year old has scratched the bejasus out of my dining table, and new leather sofa of a year old. He's also broken candle holders, bowls, my glasses. They are so lucky I love them!!!!

GoldenLegend · 10/09/2024 05:49

I’d keep the cat and rehome your husband tbh. Your kids may come round to the idea of a cat but your husband will always be a prize twat.

coldcallerbaiter · 10/09/2024 07:01

Runnerinthenight · 10/09/2024 04:41

Well I do. It's no way to rear a child. Your children are missing out on the love and the empathy that having a pet brings to them. You do you. I am more than happy with my decisions. We have never had a dog but they love dogs too. They are amazing young people and I am very proud of them!

Oh you ought to get a dog then and have your life revolve around its poo routine and live in a stinky house because your children’s dear little souls are missing out, how awful, blah

Whatafustercluck · 10/09/2024 07:59

Runnerinthenight · 10/09/2024 04:46

Get another cat!! My 20+ year old former stray died 2.5 years ago. I couldn't bear the house without a cat so I now have three!

My lovely old girl died two years ago and I vowed never to get another cat, I was so heartbroken.

But the house just felt too empty while i was working from home, with the kids both at school. So, we now have two boys, who are absolutely gorgeous! They've fitted right in to our family.

Unsubtleturtle · 10/09/2024 08:19

Its been left overnight for two nights now. Why haven't you taken it back? Why won't you go against your husband? Is there a reason? If its just to add to your pile of reasons to resent him, that's not important right now. You can deal with that later once it's sorted. If it's because you feel unsafe, please call women's aid and animal rescue.

SpanielintheWorks · 10/09/2024 09:29

Unsubtleturtle · 10/09/2024 08:19

Its been left overnight for two nights now. Why haven't you taken it back? Why won't you go against your husband? Is there a reason? If its just to add to your pile of reasons to resent him, that's not important right now. You can deal with that later once it's sorted. If it's because you feel unsafe, please call women's aid and animal rescue.

My brother lives in a care home, at the moment he's in hospital, my mum isn't well and needs me to help her, I'm trying to run a home, look after two kids, one of whom you can see is more complex than I might like, and work full time.

At a guess, this might be why she hasn't prioritised finding out where a random kitten originated and organising her time to take it back.