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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

881 replies

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 06:52

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

OP posts:
SpanielintheWorks · 10/09/2024 09:30

When you are already near breaking point, 'one more small thing' can easily be too much (this morning, for me, it was finding out that the dog had eaten my shoe laces just as I was already running late...)

Mabs49 · 10/09/2024 10:07

SpanielintheWorks · 10/09/2024 09:29

My brother lives in a care home, at the moment he's in hospital, my mum isn't well and needs me to help her, I'm trying to run a home, look after two kids, one of whom you can see is more complex than I might like, and work full time.

At a guess, this might be why she hasn't prioritised finding out where a random kitten originated and organising her time to take it back.

Exactly. It highlights even more what a thoughtless shit OP’s DH is. I feel very sorry for OP.

Elkle · 10/09/2024 10:25

Runnerinthenight · 10/09/2024 04:37

It's probably for the best that you've never had a cat seeing as you are so hostile to them. It's irrrational.

Yeeeah... judging by your posts I think there's some underlying reason you're being so rude to people who don't like cats. You do understand that people have different likes, fears, etc. and calling people hostile and worrying about their kids based on not owning a cat is slightly unhinged?
I could go on about how your kids missed out and how awful for you not having a dog, but even just typing it can see how bizarre it is to actually think so.
You are correct in that it is best for me not to own a cat though, I said that in my first post.

Elkle · 10/09/2024 10:33

Mabs49 · 10/09/2024 10:07

Exactly. It highlights even more what a thoughtless shit OP’s DH is. I feel very sorry for OP.

It seems like he is being quite cruel to the kitten despite being the one who wanted it. Knowing that no-one else wanted a cat yet leaving those same people to look after it and not putting the effort in himself. He's left a very young, probably scared animal on its own with just the basics to get by on, he should be the one taking the kitten to a rescue straight away so it can be placed with someone who will care for and spend time with it.

Mabs49 · 10/09/2024 11:15

Elkle · 10/09/2024 10:33

It seems like he is being quite cruel to the kitten despite being the one who wanted it. Knowing that no-one else wanted a cat yet leaving those same people to look after it and not putting the effort in himself. He's left a very young, probably scared animal on its own with just the basics to get by on, he should be the one taking the kitten to a rescue straight away so it can be placed with someone who will care for and spend time with it.

He epitomises those ads that "a dog is not just for Christmas".

They actually require some to CARE for the dog, not just as an afterthought, oh look there's a fluffy dog but ALL the responsibilities that come with looking after an animal.

https://www.aspca.org/pet-care/cat-care/general-cat-care

maybe the OP should send this onto her DH. Before getting a cat he should take a look at all the responsibilities of looking after a cat.

If I was the OP and my family was as unwell as hers are, I would hit the roof. This is exactly the WRONG time to introduce more responsibility on someone at breaking point.

Does he want his wife to become ill too?

General Cat Care

Get a host of handy information about your feline companion in our general cat care guide. It also comes in an easy-to-print PDF for tacking on your fridge and easy reference.

https://www.aspca.org/pet-care/cat-care/general-cat-care

WinkyTinky · 10/09/2024 11:29

I've left a fresh bowl of water for the cat as it empty this morning when dh left for work.

He seemed to be happier last night as me and DS12 played with him and gave him toys to bat around. DS16 expressed his feelings to DH, very calmly, asking why he hadn't taken into account everyone else's thoughts on getting a cat. Dh responded in his usual way, saying that the cat is here now and everyone needs to deal with it. But later on I heard DH apologising to DS16 for landing this on him right at the start of his A-levels, and that he hadn't realised how noisy the cat would be. I realise some of you commenting earlier think it's an overreaction on DS16's part, but it's an issue for him, as others have understood. I know that sounds arsey from me, but I can't word it in a better way!

It was a bit inconvenient this morning trying to get the kids out of the house, trying to keep the cat out of the bathroom and bedrooms, and also stopping him escaping when they opened the front door. I've been the one to get the three of us ready and out of the house the whole of the kids' lives, and now there's an animal to add in. My mum is coming to my house today - she only leaves her house to come to mine once a week - and I've had to tell her what to expect. So that's another day that the cat has become the responsibility of me, the kids, and today my mum. Don't worry, DH knows how I feel about that.

Having said all of this, I'm sitting here at work wondering how Max is doing.

OP posts:
1apenny2apenny · 10/09/2024 12:09

Well done OP you win this weeks prize for letting your DH walk all over you and your children. Your DH has 'won' and you are taking responsibility for the cat. You've shown your children that whatever your DH says goes, they see you haven't supported them.

If I had heard my DH say 'well it's here now you'll just have to get in with it'. I would have said well I hope you're going to take care of the cat otherwise it won't be here it will be at the rescue. Then I would have rung him at work and told him you noticed the cat had no water so he needs to start to take responsibility as you won't be 'looking' any more.

anothermnuser123 · 10/09/2024 12:10

Honestly there has to come a point where you take a little responsibility here, you are being treated like a doormat because you accept being treated like one. You say you have been miserable for 13 years yet post to complain but have taken no steps to change it.

You say you don't want a cat yet here you are doing the work and acting exactly how he knew you would act.

If you want change, make it, if you don't then honestly at some point you have to realise the complaining is bonkers when you are doing nothing to help yourself.

What does annoy me about this thread is the people saying that DS is ridiculous. Obviously people who have no clue about a child with ND and how sensitive things can be, but all the more reason for you to make a change and stop being walked all over. Make a change for your kids if not for you.

Kokomjolk · 10/09/2024 12:27

Oh my goodness, rehome the cat! It's good that you've given him some care and attention but you need to get him out of your house asap. You don't want a cat. Your husband apparently wants a cat but doesn't have any interest in taking care of it. He wants you to take care of it for him.

Yes, this is better than neglecting the cat and please do continue to be kind to him until he leaves. But he's a cute little kitten - he'll have no trouble finding a new home full of people who want him and will love him and give him the care he needs.

Honestly I'd be on the fence if your husband was doing everything for the kitten and gave a shit about doing it right, because cats are nothing like dogs in the way they impact a household and this is a stupid comparison. I think as long as you don't actively hate cats it's very easy to live with someone else's cat and it has very little impact on you. I'm not a big cat lover or a cat owner but I've lived with roommates' cats and it's not a big deal imo.

But he obviously got this kitten as a job for YOU. Don't just accept it.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 10/09/2024 12:47

I think if you accept this cat the household will adjust to its care needs and presence, maybe even grow to love it.
But I couldn't get past how it was forced upon me and it would be associated with that forever for me. The way it came about and the 'tough shit' attitude to objections are just awful.
So personally for me or would be re-homed and his objections would be met with a serious mirror being held up to the way he has handled this.

Goldbar · 10/09/2024 12:54

I suspect the OP will end up keeping the cat and getting rid of the husband and when that happens, it will seem like a reasonably happy outcome for the household.

GallopingGhost · 10/09/2024 12:55

Love how this kitten is becoming part of your family. Yes, your DH was wrong to do what he did, no excuses. But you seem to care for Max and most of the family seem to be helping to look after him. Your other son may get used to the change and come to appreciate him too.

Maybe he won't have to be rehomed after all.

SpanielintheWorks · 10/09/2024 13:30

WinkyTinky · 10/09/2024 11:29

I've left a fresh bowl of water for the cat as it empty this morning when dh left for work.

He seemed to be happier last night as me and DS12 played with him and gave him toys to bat around. DS16 expressed his feelings to DH, very calmly, asking why he hadn't taken into account everyone else's thoughts on getting a cat. Dh responded in his usual way, saying that the cat is here now and everyone needs to deal with it. But later on I heard DH apologising to DS16 for landing this on him right at the start of his A-levels, and that he hadn't realised how noisy the cat would be. I realise some of you commenting earlier think it's an overreaction on DS16's part, but it's an issue for him, as others have understood. I know that sounds arsey from me, but I can't word it in a better way!

It was a bit inconvenient this morning trying to get the kids out of the house, trying to keep the cat out of the bathroom and bedrooms, and also stopping him escaping when they opened the front door. I've been the one to get the three of us ready and out of the house the whole of the kids' lives, and now there's an animal to add in. My mum is coming to my house today - she only leaves her house to come to mine once a week - and I've had to tell her what to expect. So that's another day that the cat has become the responsibility of me, the kids, and today my mum. Don't worry, DH knows how I feel about that.

Having said all of this, I'm sitting here at work wondering how Max is doing.

Keep him in one room if you can. It's better for him after such an upheaval and there's less chance of losing him before he gets rehomed.

oakleaffy · 10/09/2024 13:31

Goldbar · 10/09/2024 12:54

I suspect the OP will end up keeping the cat and getting rid of the husband and when that happens, it will seem like a reasonably happy outcome for the household.

Sounds like a plan!🫣💕🥰

SpanielintheWorks · 10/09/2024 13:32

everyone needs to deal with it

So why isn't he dealing with it? Getting home at lunchtime to feed and clean it out, checking it has water, looking up its care needs?

FictionalCharacter · 10/09/2024 13:43

offyoujollywelltrot · 09/09/2024 06:54

Your husband is an idiot and he needs to re-home the kitten.

This. He’s bought it as though it was an object and he’s already neglecting the poor animal.
Your kids’ objections to animals is strange and a little concerning, but there are real animal welfare issues here and the kitten should be rehomed as soon as possible, because it’s without doubt in distress.

Floppyelf · 10/09/2024 14:02

I take it all back. I was mean and critical of you @WinkyTinky my advice is keep the cat and dump the husband

WinkyTinky · 10/09/2024 14:13

If you don't laugh, you'll cry.

Latest email update from dh. It's almost comedy.

I am going to Leeds and will be home at 1:30am…
Will be working from home for the rest of the week..

Please put the blue cushion seat in the kitchen with rugs on floor for Max.
Make sure the kitchen door is closed..

Thank you.

OP posts:
Bigcat25 · 10/09/2024 14:35

Have you told your husband that getting a pet is a two yes one no situation?

Ansjovis · 10/09/2024 14:35

I may well be barking up the wrong tree here but given the impulsiveness, lack of consideration for others and the overly formal tone of his text correspondence, your husband is sounding very neurodiverse to me. Not that this would excuse his behaviour, however it may go some way towards explaining it. I have to do a lot of work on a daily basis to stop myself being impulsive and acting without consideration but if no-one had ever diagnosed me I don't think I'd know I needed to do it.

WinkyTinky · 10/09/2024 14:40

@Ansjovis 99% yes. He has no emotional awareness whatsoever. It could be that he's just an inconsiderate arse, or that he cannot control how he is.
My head is spinning as I have dealt with this for years, but I also know that me leaving him will result in absolute drama of the highest proportions, which is why I have not yet left. But I will. The irony that he gets this cat to help his mental health, and we accept it for this reason, and he f*cks off at the first opportunity.

OP posts:
HelpAGirlOut1234 · 10/09/2024 15:04

OP... are you having a laugh? Why are you doing all this for the cat? Why are you letting your husband get away with this. Why aren't you telling him to fuck off with his instructions about this cat and that you are not so much as filling a bowl of water for him, he's not your responsibility.

You're only creating a rod for your own back now, as well as your sons', and my sympathy is waning.

diddl · 10/09/2024 15:14

Having said all of this, I'm sitting here at work wondering how Max is doing.

Not a Ginger Tom is he?

Is your husband hoping that by forcing you to look after him you'll change your mind about wanting a cat?

Heronwatcher · 10/09/2024 15:15

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 10/09/2024 15:04

OP... are you having a laugh? Why are you doing all this for the cat? Why are you letting your husband get away with this. Why aren't you telling him to fuck off with his instructions about this cat and that you are not so much as filling a bowl of water for him, he's not your responsibility.

You're only creating a rod for your own back now, as well as your sons', and my sympathy is waning.

Yes I agree. Have you now decided to keep the cat because you all quite like it? In which case joint care is reasonable. Or have sat down and told your DH that he must return the kitten at the first opportunity and it’s his sole responsibility until then, in which case his requests are completely unreasonable? Your updates make no sense without the context of what you’ve actually said to him in the meantime.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 10/09/2024 15:19

WinkyTinky · 10/09/2024 14:40

@Ansjovis 99% yes. He has no emotional awareness whatsoever. It could be that he's just an inconsiderate arse, or that he cannot control how he is.
My head is spinning as I have dealt with this for years, but I also know that me leaving him will result in absolute drama of the highest proportions, which is why I have not yet left. But I will. The irony that he gets this cat to help his mental health, and we accept it for this reason, and he f*cks off at the first opportunity.

Whether your DH is being a deliberate arse or can't help it is irrelevant.
He's dumped a cat on you. Now you're the cats main carer, because he's already shed that responsibility onto you.
How you respond is the bit you get to control.
You either roll over and passively go along with it, however you feel about it underneath.
Or, you push back and resolve the issue your way and for your benefit because cats can live until they are over 20 years old and in their often lengthy old age can become incontinent. Any health problems along the way are expensive. So unless you want all that, you need to quash this pet project now.

Have you booked his immunisations yet?

Don't be a doormat op.