Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

881 replies

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 06:52

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

OP posts:
spamandeggs · 09/09/2024 16:57

Poor baby kitten didn't ask to be there . Please rehome the poor neglected baby. Your DP is a selfish arse , you're also weird by letting your son thinks he rules the roost , SEN or not . The only people that get to decide anything is the adults ie You and your Dp (together) the kids get an opinion but you two get the deciding vote .
Please do the right thing by this kitten and give her to a good home whilst DP out , they can get very anxious. Me and my DD took in turns to sleep downstairs when ours was a kitten because she was frightened and used to hide under the sofa . It worked as she started to come over to us and watch over us as we slept

Goldbar · 09/09/2024 16:58

biscuitandcake · 09/09/2024 16:56

I wanted a cat so I got a cat and then
... Looked after the cat.

I didn't get a small kitten and then leave it to someone else to look after.

Indeed... Why is the adult who wanted the cat not looking after it?

Elkle · 09/09/2024 17:00

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 09/09/2024 16:54

What a bunch of dick heads. (Not the kitten, poor baby)

Whereas in reality, the DH is the dickhead for bringing a cat into a home that doesn't want a cat.
Would they also be dickheads if it were a dog, rabbit, etc., or is this namecalling only reserved for those not keen on cats?

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 09/09/2024 17:00

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 16:09

I've arrived home and checked on the cat. Conservatory temperature is fine for now, but will definitely get cold later. He has come out from under the sofa and I have given him a ball to play with, stroked him etc, and I think he's ok with me. Of course I'm not going to just ignore a baby animal so we've done a bit of bonding just so he isn't frightened. But maybe I'm still doing the wrong thing...

Good god OP, just stop! If the cat has food and water, that's enough. Don't get sucked into looking after it, don't feed it, definitely don't clean up its wee and poo....

Just stop!!! Before you know it, this will be another expectation of you

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 09/09/2024 17:01

RunAwayTurnAwayRunAwayTurnAway · 09/09/2024 16:54

What a bunch of dick heads. (Not the kitten, poor baby)

You mean what A dickhead? As in the husband who brought a cat home to a house where he knew cats were not welcome?

sunseaandsoundingoff · 09/09/2024 17:03

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 10:11

I haven't got time to read all the replies properly or reply fully, I'm at work and my head is battered, but I do want to say that of course I care about the welfare of this cat, and that none of us have ignored or been cruel to it. My heart is racing knowing I've left it alone at home, and I couldn't see any sign of it in the conservatory when I left. I've messaged dh. He needs to deal with this. And yes, I will be divorcing him as soon as I have the physical and mental time to deal with that on top of everything else in my life that I do not have time to go into. It won't be about the cat, or the dent in the soap bottle, there is so much more to it.

If you care about the welfare of the cat you need to get another, kittens shouldn't be on their own. They need another cat around.

Kokomjolk · 09/09/2024 17:04

Take your child to the doctor if you think it's very likely he has undiagnosed SEN.

Jeezitneverends · 09/09/2024 17:06

If my dh pulled a stunt like this the cat would be renamed before he came home from work

EmpressaurusDeiGatti · 09/09/2024 17:07

You’re being a lot kinder to the cat than your H is.

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2024 17:10

@WinkyTinky So as many of us have asked, what are you actually going to do?

FearOfTheDucks · 09/09/2024 17:10

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 16:54

Thank you @FearOfTheDucks this is exactly right. He is very likely autistic, never investigated or diagnosed, but shows all the signs like needing his safe things to feel settled, and this is an unsettling thing for him. He has overcome lots of small fears and got out of his comfort zone with things like going to his prom when he was adamant he wasn't going to go until the last minute. He travels to another city on the bus for college, he speaks very well and politely to people such as teachers although he is very shy, but this is just something he has made clear he doesn't want. And for his dad to go against it, and foist a pet on him whether it's an 'easy' pet or otherwise just shows him he hasn't been heard. Also, the conservatory is his haven where he goes to just to chill out or do his weights, and right now it's home to a stinking litter tray, which as anyone familiar with ND knows is not great. Our house is small and quite open plan and it's a change that he didn't want, when all when wants is to relax in his home. Again, I could be being over the top, pandering to his needs, you could say all of that, but my priority is to have a happy kid.

Obviously I can't diagnose over the internet but I'd say it's definitely something worth looking into. You're probably right that he's feeling as if he isn't heard (a sudden cat arrival is very different to a family discussion about getting a cat that doesn't go his way) and this is just one more difficult thing at an already difficult time.

I think that rehoming the cat is by far the best option, but while it's with you can you reassure him that he won't have to have anything to do with it? Any talk about how cats are good for stress or having a cat around would be good for him is likely to be counterproductive and make him feel even more unheard and like his views aren't just being ignored but being treated as if they aren't genuine.

Is there any other enclosed room in your house where he could chill out or do his weights alone? If he has a sensory aversion, being in the room with the litter tray might not be an option - certainly won't be relaxing!

I think 'pandering' would be if the other 3 family members wanted a cat, he didn't, and he got to veto it even after discussion was had and strategies put in place to make it easier for him. What you're doing is showing empathy for him. He's more likely to be able to try new things and expand his comfort zone if he feels secure and supported at home, which it sounds like he's been doing.

spamandeggs · 09/09/2024 17:19

I will say OP. cats are very independent unlike dogs (also they're much easier), so once you get her jabs and spray done she can go outside. They usually only bother with you at night 🤣 . But honestly if you feel like You and only you can't do it or want it Please rehome her .
Your DP was well out of order btw.
I never had a much wanted kitten because my DP didn't want pets (I stuck by his no) , 16years later and I had a severe mental health crisis and i was just getting well when he bought me a little kitten :)

Ramblomatic · 09/09/2024 17:21

EsmeSusanOgg · 09/09/2024 16:35

It is clear the 16 year old is stressed by lots of other things, and when asked about a car as a pet said no thanks. The teen is now stressed that his dad asked for people's opinions and did it anyway - with no notice.

Asking for an opinion isn't asking for permission.

OP not wanting a cat vs DH getting one is a separate issue. Not much of one mind, but a separate issue.

16 is a stressful time, yes. Guess we'll have to add 'Cat in the house' to the other life shattering 16-year-olds first world problems like 'getting dumped for the first time' 'not picked for the football team' and 'failing a GCSE' 😅

Choochoo21 · 09/09/2024 17:23

but this is just something he has made clear he doesn't want. And for his dad to go against it, and foist a pet on him whether it's an 'easy' pet or otherwise just shows him he hasn't been heard. Also, the conservatory is his haven where he goes to just to chill out or do his weights,

The kitten and your DH aside, I think you need to be extremely careful that you are not raising 2 very entitled boys/young men.

They can have an opinion but they do not get the final say in what happens in your home.
They also don’t get to take over an entire room, unless it’s their bedroom.

The only issue here is that you as the other adult, never agreed to the cat.
This is between you and your DH.

ManhattanPopcorn · 09/09/2024 17:26

You'd think he brought a tiger home with the way the family are reacting 🤔

DanceDanceDance80 · 09/09/2024 17:37

I think you and your children are being dramatic and quite silly about the whole thing! It's a cat FFS!

Reugny · 09/09/2024 17:40

DanceDanceDance80 · 09/09/2024 17:37

I think you and your children are being dramatic and quite silly about the whole thing! It's a cat FFS!

Some people really don't like cats and are terrified of them.

Funny thing is cats home in on kind people who don't like them and try to befriend them.

Nasty people they stay away from and hide.

SmallBox · 09/09/2024 17:49

God the cat lobby are out in force on this thread. I hate cats, I hate the disgusting smell of a litterbox, I hate fur everywhere, I hate half-dead birds or mice being deposited on the floor like a gift, I hate their gross food. If my dad had brought a cat home when the other three members of his family DID NOT WANT A CAT I would have been horrified. At any age. The husband is a cunt.

MonsteraMama · 09/09/2024 17:50

Ramblomatic · 09/09/2024 17:21

Asking for an opinion isn't asking for permission.

OP not wanting a cat vs DH getting one is a separate issue. Not much of one mind, but a separate issue.

16 is a stressful time, yes. Guess we'll have to add 'Cat in the house' to the other life shattering 16-year-olds first world problems like 'getting dumped for the first time' 'not picked for the football team' and 'failing a GCSE' 😅

And "suicide of his close friend"? That stressful enough for you? Prick.

DanceDanceDance80 · 09/09/2024 17:53

Reugny · 09/09/2024 17:40

Some people really don't like cats and are terrified of them.

Funny thing is cats home in on kind people who don't like them and try to befriend them.

Nasty people they stay away from and hide.

Terrified??! Of a cat!! Hahahahahaha!!!!!!

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 09/09/2024 17:56

@Ramblomatic "other life shattering 16-year-olds first world problems like 'getting dumped for the first time' 'not picked for the football team' and 'failing a GCSE' 😅"

God you're an arsehole, he is suspected ND and his close friend committed suicide, among other things.

16 is not an easy age, even without the trauma of losing a friend to suicide. I hope you don't have any involvement with teenagers because you really are heartless.

EsmeSusanOgg · 09/09/2024 18:01

Ramblomatic · 09/09/2024 17:21

Asking for an opinion isn't asking for permission.

OP not wanting a cat vs DH getting one is a separate issue. Not much of one mind, but a separate issue.

16 is a stressful time, yes. Guess we'll have to add 'Cat in the house' to the other life shattering 16-year-olds first world problems like 'getting dumped for the first time' 'not picked for the football team' and 'failing a GCSE' 😅

But OP also said no to the cat. OP has also explained that other than not wanting a cat because she has a lot on her plate at the .moment, she does care about what her DS wants.

The adults should have decided together. They did not. DH acted unilaterally and with no notice. This follows the family discussion where everyone else said no to the cat. The DH is also not looking after the cat, and has left that to OP and the kids after they said no to it.

I'm also trying to explain the teen's view. Had OP also wanted a cat, and they had explained they were getting a cat (when and where) that would be an entirely different scenario.

EsmeSusanOgg · 09/09/2024 18:05

Some of the comments on here!

Change the type of pet, and the answers would be different. I love cats, dogs etc. but you simply do not spring a surprise pet on your family and swan off to work. That is unfair on the animal.

What is worse here is, there have been discussions about pets and OP and her kids have said no. Her husband has then done what he wanted anyway, and left others to do the hard work. If this were not about a car, there would be unanimous calls of YANBU and LTB. But say it is about a cat and apparently anything goes.

Evilartsgrad · 09/09/2024 18:07

Calamitousness · 09/09/2024 08:29

Your husband is a knob. But you’re over reacting. A cat is zero hassle. Once she’s neutered you can let her out during the day and night if she wants. All you need is the feed them twice a day. Your husband can do that and change litter. Again husband. Love for the cat. Husband. You and your kids can have zero interaction. Why it needs to be so extreme is bizarre though. The cat will be a lovely wee thing if you are kind and loving to it. But you can keep it out your way if you must.

Why should she love the effing cat? She didn't want one.

Blimey the catlovers are just not capable of understanding preference are they?

If anyone tried this on me they, and the cat, would be shown the door forthwith

jeaux90 · 09/09/2024 18:09

Your DH is an absolute arse, imagine bringing a cat home without asking and then effing off to the office making it YOUR JOB to then look after it.

What a nob.