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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

881 replies

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 06:52

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

OP posts:
SheppieMcShep · 09/09/2024 11:45

Use your precious time and energy to focus on your DC and getting a divorce

Bit of an over reaction, don't you think?! @renoleno And adult cats are adorable.

godmum56 · 09/09/2024 11:47

SheppieMcShep · 09/09/2024 11:45

Use your precious time and energy to focus on your DC and getting a divorce

Bit of an over reaction, don't you think?! @renoleno And adult cats are adorable.

you think they are. Not everyone agrees with you.

renoleno · 09/09/2024 11:49

SheppieMcShep · 09/09/2024 11:45

Use your precious time and energy to focus on your DC and getting a divorce

Bit of an over reaction, don't you think?! @renoleno And adult cats are adorable.

Geez, you need a reality check on the real world if you think focusing on a cat is more important than focusing on your impending divorce and the fall out on your children. Adult cats are not adorable. German shepherds are adorable, horses are adorable - adult cats hold zero appeal for me. If I wanted to slave over something that saw itself as my master, I'd get into the kink scene.

Gettingbysomehow · 09/09/2024 11:50

That poor poor kitten. I'd be bloody livid that any husband of mine thinks a pet is just a toy that he can dump on his family like that.
I was thrilled when my DS gave me a kitten he had rescued but then we all love cats.
But your husbands behaviour is reprehensible.
If he can do that to all of you then I'd go behind his back and rehome the kitten without telling him.
He can suck on that.
That poor poor little baby. Kittens need a huge amount of love and care.

CrunchyCarrot · 09/09/2024 11:52

First and foremost a kitten needs company not just a food bowl and water! It needs to be played with, snuggled and get plenty of stimulation if it's to grow up into a happy well-balanced cat. Your DH has brought it back to the house without the blessing of anyone else which is very odd and thoughtless of him, for all involved. Of course it's mewing, it misses its mother and needs company. If your DH is so keen to have a cat, then why isn't he interacting with it properly?

CrunchyCarrot · 09/09/2024 11:52

Edit: Double post!

ClareBlue · 09/09/2024 11:54

The main issue is bringing a pet into the house against other people's wishes and then expecting other people to look after it. And I say that as a household of 10 pets and counting who are all here with agreement and absolutely loved. It pisses me off when people, usually husbands, make these gestures of bringing cute baby animals into a household and then lose interest or expect others, usually the wife, to look after them. It happens so often, mostly with puppies.

ilovesooty · 09/09/2024 11:55

MsJinks · 09/09/2024 11:29

Honestly it doesn’t matter right now whether people love or loathe cats, or are being overly dramatic or not, or what is reasonable or not - discuss later if you like - what really matters is that the kitten is removed from the situation- cos it can’t do it by itself - all of you humans can (and have) removed yourselves from the kitten and it’s proper care - give it the same courtesy before it’s dead, damaged or traumatised for life.

Exactly.

Thestreets · 09/09/2024 11:58

This is one of the fucking nastiest threads I have read in a while. All of the posters think it's OK to call the OP all of these names, weird psychopaths, heartless, cold etc.

You should all take a long hard look in the mirror. This boy is clearly going through a lot with potential ND, mental health issues and the suicide of a school friend.

How about you take your empathy for this little kitten and show some towards OP who is clearly struggling with a lot on her plate at the moment.

Babyworriesreal · 09/09/2024 11:58

The kitten needs rehoming ASAP - your DH is not a responsible pet owner. I can't abide cats but I'm feeling bloody anxious myself, that this little one has been taken from it's mother and must be feeling so scared and alone. Back to the breeder, or a local shelter.

FlowersOfSulphur · 09/09/2024 11:59

Poor kitten, and poor you - you have a lot on your plate at the moment. Please return the kitten to the breeder or to a reputable cat shelter. I think cats are fab, but they need love and attention (mine is purring on my knee right now) and it doesn't sound as though anyone in your house is able to give it that right now.

thestudio · 09/09/2024 11:59

FearOfTheDucks · 09/09/2024 11:20

I'm autistic, have a physical disability, and really dislike cats. When we were growing up, my younger sister really wanted a pet cat. I was about 15 when my dad decided to get her one. He had a conversation with me first so that I knew that I wouldn't be expected to look after or pet the cat, have it in my room, feed it or clean its litter tray (sensory issues, the smell of cat food is truly awful to me) and so on. That he knew I didn't want a cat and wanted to make it as easy for me as possible even though he was going against what I wanted.

I coped with that. If he'd just come home with a surprise cat and told me 'you're a child, you don't get a say' I'd probably have cried too! Anyone suggesting that it would be good for a neurodivergent teenager who doesn't like cats to be made to look after one can just fuck off, tbh. They have no idea what they're talking about. Totally agree with the earlier poster who said that if you don't understand, replace it with something you personally wouldn't want in your house - maybe a big pet tarantula or rat running around freely.

I wasn't spoilt and had plenty of other non-cat-related chores to do but it was accepted that I didn't have to go near the animal I didn't want in the first place. It got plenty of love and care from the family members who did want it.

Some people just don't like animals. It's not a moral failing. People are just different and that's okay. In a family you have to make compromises sometimes but that's done with discussion and understanding, not one person doing what they want and expecting everyone else to deal with it.

This is a great explanation of what your son might be feeling.

Honestly, the more I think about this the more revolted I am by your DH and his massive fucking headphones that he uses to check out of any responsibility for anything. What an absolute prick.

You mention your other threads - why are you still with him? I bet he's having a huge impact on both DS's wellbeing.

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2024 12:00

SheppieMcShep · 09/09/2024 11:45

Use your precious time and energy to focus on your DC and getting a divorce

Bit of an over reaction, don't you think?! @renoleno And adult cats are adorable.

Only to people who like them!! And many don't

(I've had cats virtually my whole married life, but I'm done now. No more)

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 12:01

This is the reply to my message to dh telling him I could not see the cat, was worried about the cold conservatory and missing the comfort of its mum, and that I had changed the milk for water -

Max is 13 weeks old.
He is under the sofa in the conservatory.
He is fine.
Cats go out at night (so not cold).
He just needs time to get used to his new surroundings.
Once he knows his environment he will sleep in the lounge.
You can let him into the garden when you get home (for a short period)..
He will like that.
He just needs love/kindness and someone to look after him.

I definitely won't be letting him out in the garden where there are plenty of gaps in the fence onto the outside path where all the dogs are.

OP posts:
thestudio · 09/09/2024 12:01

The loveliness or otherwise of the cat is not the issue.

The issue is that he knew his own child hated them, and got one anyway.

Because he's an abusive prick.

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2024 12:03

@WinkyTinky Your husband really is an absolute moron!

Let the cat outside and it may never come back/get killed

PLEASE take it back or rehome it

Are you scared of his reaction?

kittylion2 · 09/09/2024 12:03

Holes in the fence or not, you aren't supposed to let them out for a few weeks - does he know nothing about cats? Has it even been vaccinated? It won't have been neutered yet.

hoarahloux · 09/09/2024 12:03

"Oh no DH, I let Max into the garden like you suggested and he immediately went through a hole in the fence. I can't find him anywhere."

Put the poor thing in its carrier and take it to a rescue.

Never speak of it again.

Poor cat. This isn't fair on it or on you and your children. DH is an arse.

ClareBlue · 09/09/2024 12:05

Maybe he should give OP some love and kindness before he brings a kitten into the situation

PrincessOlga · 09/09/2024 12:06

I do not think you should pose such a question on an internet forum. Internet fora are heavily biased to and heavily frequented by people who spend a lot of time online, with all the accompanying results. For example, statistics show that women posting about husbands in a forum frequented by mainly other women will attract a lot of posts from people who are, shall we say, not "wellwishers". I have not read the responses, but I am sure there will be a high proportion of foul language in referring to your husband (the type of words previously used solely among men) and advice to get divorced, dump your husband, go single... I am not commenting on the reasons for this, just pointing out the observed statistics and why, I repeat, you should think very carefully about following any responses posted online.

The most telltale signs of "bad faith answers" usually occur on the first page, because there are people who do nothing except hover around fora and post negative things towards other women. I always advise women to start at the back and work their way backwards, when they have posted something linked to a "husband/DH/DP"...

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 09/09/2024 12:07

Jesus, the message makes everything worse... your husband really is a cunt.

He just needs some love, kindness and someone to look after him... who the fuck is that supposed to be, because he's obviously not around to do it.

Pretend you let the cat out and it's Joe gone missing. Pack the cat up and drop to a shelter, or back where he came from.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/09/2024 12:08

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 12:01

This is the reply to my message to dh telling him I could not see the cat, was worried about the cold conservatory and missing the comfort of its mum, and that I had changed the milk for water -

Max is 13 weeks old.
He is under the sofa in the conservatory.
He is fine.
Cats go out at night (so not cold).
He just needs time to get used to his new surroundings.
Once he knows his environment he will sleep in the lounge.
You can let him into the garden when you get home (for a short period)..
He will like that.
He just needs love/kindness and someone to look after him.

I definitely won't be letting him out in the garden where there are plenty of gaps in the fence onto the outside path where all the dogs are.

Dear God he hasn't got a fucking clue. No a cat that young is not meant to be outside.
He literally knows nothing about animal care. He sounds deluded tbh with his head in the sky completely ignoring all the other issues going on.
The second you get home I'd take straight to nearest rescue.
Then once that's sorted, focus on your children possibly a Dr appointment for your son to get him some help.
Then last of all whatever practical steps you need to do to deal with DH.
You said your head is battered. Try not to let it all get on top of you- keep emotion out of it Try and stick to practical next steps.
I apologise if earlier in the thread I may have been a bit harsh.

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/09/2024 12:09

It seems that your 16 year old has the final say in things?
Just an alternative view, maybe your husband has had enough of it and acquired the kitten in a moment of madness, out of defiance.

Anyway, agree with others, poor little thing needs to be returned.

Therealjudgejudy · 09/09/2024 12:10

Please rehome this poor kitten.

Your husband is a selfish prick

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2024 12:10

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/09/2024 12:09

It seems that your 16 year old has the final say in things?
Just an alternative view, maybe your husband has had enough of it and acquired the kitten in a moment of madness, out of defiance.

Anyway, agree with others, poor little thing needs to be returned.

Maybe he should act like the adult and parent he's supposed to be?