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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

881 replies

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 06:52

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

OP posts:
Katielovesteatime · 09/09/2024 11:24

Smallsalt · 09/09/2024 11:23

To be fair the kitten is probably better away from a houseful of unhinged individuals. Though it could be argued that your husband is as entitled to have a pet as the rest of you are not to want one. It's his house too.

Your sons and you though, need to get a grip. They are not going to cope well in the real world with real problems, when having a kitten in the house reduces them to gibbering neurotics. You really need to stop enabling this and tell them to get a grip. It's a kitten, not a lion.
Ridiculous behaviour whatever the rights and wrongs of your husband's actions.

Edited

Okay this is what I really wanted to say but felt a bit mean 😂😂 agree though!

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 09/09/2024 11:24

EasySkankin · 09/09/2024 07:22

I think your husband was unreasonable for marrying you in the first place. I would never agree ‘to death do us part’ with someone who didn’t love pets. It seems awful - the idea of a home without a cat. Maybe he is annoyed that you’ve passed your irrational dislike of cats onto your children and is hoping that your child has his frosty heart warmed up by the kitten?

I don’t thInk you are a compatible couple though, and he is being the unreasonable one.

Not everyone loves cats. They are lovely animals but it doesn't make people irrational if they don't like them. Some people don't like dogs - does that make them irrational?😳

OtterMouse · 09/09/2024 11:26

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OtterMouse · 09/09/2024 11:27

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TwinklyOrca · 09/09/2024 11:27

You’re husband is ridiculous for just bringing an animal home without it being a joint decision with you. Your children are being extremely dramatic.

make sure you rehome responsibly and not just let anyone have the kitten. So sad animals have to go through the treatment

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 09/09/2024 11:28

SwiftiesVSLestat · 09/09/2024 09:50

oh behave. I don’t even like cats.

Every child has their parents wants imposed on them. Do you expect children to have the final say on whether more children are born? Or whether you move house or where the parents are buying a house? Or even what’s for dinner every night?

I wasn't responding to you so don't know why you've got your knickers in a twist?

The implication from my post was that "You don't get to impose your wants above the rest of your family without considering the impacts on them". I thought that was obvious but clearly not.

SerenityNowInsanityLater · 09/09/2024 11:28

Rehome the kitten.

Deal with the consequences (an unhappy husband for one) as they come.

Get your poor son some therapy. He's dealt with a lot and really needs support.

Understand that neurosis has impacted your family and you could all do with some help with that. Explore your extreme response to things. It's outside the realm of what is healthy. Do this for your own peace of mind, OP. It sounds like you could do with being more at peace.

MsJinks · 09/09/2024 11:29

Honestly it doesn’t matter right now whether people love or loathe cats, or are being overly dramatic or not, or what is reasonable or not - discuss later if you like - what really matters is that the kitten is removed from the situation- cos it can’t do it by itself - all of you humans can (and have) removed yourselves from the kitten and it’s proper care - give it the same courtesy before it’s dead, damaged or traumatised for life.

Thestreets · 09/09/2024 11:29

This reply has been deleted

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What a thoroughly unpleasant post

MonsteraMama · 09/09/2024 11:29

Katielovesteatime · 09/09/2024 11:24

Okay this is what I really wanted to say but felt a bit mean 😂😂 agree though!

Your first instinct was correct. Calling a likely ND child who is working through and struggling with the stress of college and the grief of very recently losing a friend to suicide "unhinged gibbering neurotics" is a bit fucking mean.

The lack of understanding on this thread that ND people just don't react to changes in their environment the way NT people do is revolting. Some of the things this troubled boy has been called by grown adults are fucking gross.

DontCallAnyoneAnIdiotOrYouWillBeBannedAgain · 09/09/2024 11:29

Nicebloomers · 09/09/2024 10:12

Does your son react in this extreme way frequently? if so you’ve got bigger problems than an unwanted kitten.

As the OP has recognised.

However, THIS is the problem she is dealing with TODAY and the one she is asking to support with

AsYouWiiiiiiiiiiiiish · 09/09/2024 11:29

I don't believe children need to be consulted on a pet when a parent is going to (presumably) pay for the pet and do all its care.

I think your sons reaction is a little odd.

However, a SPOUSE should absolutely be consulted and if you have said you did t want a pet then that should have been respected.
I personally don't believe it is okay to bring a pet into a home where the other adult does not want it.

Pets are surprisingly a team effort and it will inevitably suffer, even if just in small ways.

Not only this, your husband is treating your marriage like a dictatorship and making HUGE decisions.

If he had come across a stray kitten that needed help I would understand but the fact that he cleaned the porch and then went off to get a kitten with absolutely no mention of it to you is insane.

Battlerope · 09/09/2024 11:31

Your husband is an idiot.

The rest of you are weird.

MysteriousUsername · 09/09/2024 11:31

Your DH is an idiot. A family does not get a pet unless everyone agrees.

I'd be thinking if he can bring home the cat unannounced then I can rehome the cat unannounced. Probably not a feasible option though!

Rehome the DH and the cat is the best option.

And there is nothing wrong with you or your sons not wanting the cat! Some people don't like them,some people don't want the responsibility. I'd never have a huge number of different animals. Doesn't mean I hate them, just means I know my limits on looking after animals.

Mrsdyna · 09/09/2024 11:33

I would hate this. You should never impose an animal on everyone else like that.

Tetchypants · 09/09/2024 11:34

Nicebloomers · 09/09/2024 10:12

Does your son react in this extreme way frequently? if so you’ve got bigger problems than an unwanted kitten.

Yes, this.

Your husband shouldn’t have done it but the rest of you really need to get a grip. Imagine being unable to function properly because of a tiny miaowing probably super cute little kitten.

Totally weird reaction and clearly projected by you. I’ll have it.

HelpAGirlOut1234 · 09/09/2024 11:35

Don't know why you and your sons are getting such a hard time on here.

Both your sons have previously expressed that they do not want a pet, or to share their home with an animal. One son is possibly ND and has an incredibly hard time of it lately. I think both of their reactions are totally reasonable.

Your husband is out of line. If he can bring a cat into the house when he likes, why don't you just go home, pack the cat up and bring it back where it came from because that's what you'd like? I would do this today.

I'd love to say that you should all completely ignore the cat and its needs, leave it to your husband. But he's obviously fucked off to work without giving a toss about what this cat is going to do all day, so someone needs to care for this cats well-being. You need to bring the cat back I think, shouldn't be your responsibility, but it's the right thing to do.

Heronwatcher · 09/09/2024 11:35

Your DH does have a say in whether you get a kitten or not, he shouldn’t be overruled by your DS.

But yes you and your DCs have a say in this- a family pet is a family decision.

But I do also agree that the levels of hysteria here seem disproportionate- in the vast majority of cases a kitten can fit into family life pretty easily and become a valued pet. It’s not like your DH has brought a sabre toothed tiger home!

You just need to sit down together as a family and have a calm chat.

Agree that the kitten needs water with some kitten milk and kitten food alongside though, if he’s getting a kitten he needs to research basic care!

SheppieMcShep · 09/09/2024 11:35

He's a grown adult who wants to own a pet. If you dearly wanted a cat and your DH said no, everybody would call him controlling.

DoloresHargreeves · 09/09/2024 11:35

I think that it's madness to let your DS dictate whether you have a cat or not, and it's madness to indulge the "I'm not coming home if the cat is there" attitude. But you and DH should have decided together about the cat, and DH should be meeting it's needs.

Galiana · 09/09/2024 11:38

Presumably your husband is an adult.

As long as he accepts all of the responsibilities of caring for the cat, he can have a cat.

I do think you are possibly (I don't like to use the word pandering, but I can't think of a suitable alternative), pandering to your almost adult son, a bit too much...

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2024 11:39

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 07:52

This is what I mean!!! I have no idea about cats, but I also thought that it will need water, not milk. But dh who has had cats in the past has put out milk! I'll replace it with water. Thank you for letting me know. Here I am googling how to look after kittens and I need to go to work. FFS.

No. You need to google how to get rid of DH!

Ultimatum time

Either he takes the kitten back or you rehome it.

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2024 11:40

Galiana · 09/09/2024 11:38

Presumably your husband is an adult.

As long as he accepts all of the responsibilities of caring for the cat, he can have a cat.

I do think you are possibly (I don't like to use the word pandering, but I can't think of a suitable alternative), pandering to your almost adult son, a bit too much...

But he isn't there enough to take care of it!

No pet should be brought into a home unless everyone agrees

renoleno · 09/09/2024 11:41

It's ironic all talk of how a kitten or puppy isn't just for Xmas - exactly because of the amount of attention, care and thought that goes into looking after them, especially as a baby. And I completely understand that if you and your DC don't like pets, it's overwhelming to have a kitten mewing and needing things, when you don't have the mental bandwidth. Just like a baby's crying is triggering to a lot of grown ass adults (even the parents), an animal's mewing/barking can be triggering too.

The best option is to find the kitten a new home. Do it while your 'D'H is at work. It is effort but better that than the animal being neglected at your home.

Ignore all the hysterical MN posters who can't comprehend that not everyone needs an animal in the house to feel fulfilled. It's a kitten and cute now, but you are sensible enough to realise it won't stay small and cute forever. Kitten are also far more work than grown cats. I don't like cats at all, though I love dogs. To me, an animal should be a working animal. Cats don't serve that purpose, and I don't enjoy their unpredictability. Fortunately DH (who loves all pets) knows this and we both realise a lifestyle where we travel/go to work/are out and about isn't condusive to a pet. Your DH is the problem here, but you know that. And I feel empathy for your DC having to live with him all these years.

Use your precious time and energy to focus on your DC and getting a divorce - let the cat go to a family who are ready for it.

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2024 11:42

Heronwatcher · 09/09/2024 11:35

Your DH does have a say in whether you get a kitten or not, he shouldn’t be overruled by your DS.

But yes you and your DCs have a say in this- a family pet is a family decision.

But I do also agree that the levels of hysteria here seem disproportionate- in the vast majority of cases a kitten can fit into family life pretty easily and become a valued pet. It’s not like your DH has brought a sabre toothed tiger home!

You just need to sit down together as a family and have a calm chat.

Agree that the kitten needs water with some kitten milk and kitten food alongside though, if he’s getting a kitten he needs to research basic care!

It only fits in if you want it to!

Kittens are a lot of work and destructive to start with

Then if they can go out you have to deal with the presents they bring you

And if you don't like/want them they are a nuisance

Also - this can be for the next 10-20 years!