To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

[WinkyTinky]

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

Poor kitten, it must be terrified. We have an 18 month old rescue (adopted after our previous cat had to be PTS with stomach cancer) and for the first few days he was hiding and hissing all over the place, scared out of his mind. Now he's the most lovely friendly boy who just needed a bit of time and patience.

Your home sounds very difficult with lots going on - I agree with PP saying to rehome the kitten.

Yes he should have discussed first but obs didn't as he knew you would refuse. So yes he is totally in tbe wrong.
Massive over reaction by rest of household though . Its a kitten not a lion.
Your sons reaction are really OTT though ? Also the disruption yiu expect a kitten to cause are total nonsense.
Rehome the poor kitten, it will have a much nicer life with a family who like cats

Put it this way. If your DH dumps you and the kids and take the cat away, you will have a lot of real problems that a lot of many women on this forum face. You have allowed your kids to dictate the rules of the house.

Do you have a friend with a large dog crate that you could borrow to keep the kitten safe in whilst you are out? My cat hurt himself and had to have 6 weeks crate rest and we put his bed and litter box in there with a bowl of water and food at the far end from the litter tray. I thought he would totally freak out because he is semi feral and rarely comes in the house let alone a crate but actually he was very good.

That way your kitten can be in a normal room without temperature differences and you don’t have to worry about her going to the loo anywhere she shouldn’t or getting into things which may harm her whilst no one’s there to supervise her.

Victoria, is that you?

Rehome the cat, this is animal cruelty. A pet is not supposed to be weird fodder for an abusive family dynamic.

Your dh should not have brought a kitten into the family home without discussion. Completely unacceptable behaviour.
He is now neglecting the kitten, a litter tray, food and a cold conservatory is not caring for the poor creature.
I would try and return the kitten, rehoming is very difficult, there are so many unwanted cats and kittens in rescue that many can’t rehome or accept additional cats.
However, I do find your and your DC’s reaction unusual. Most families have a pet at some point and caring for one is actually very good for children’s emotional development and teaching a sense of responsibility. A cuddly pet can be very relaxing.
Ultimately unless you dh is prepared to properly care for the kitten and to slowly introduce your dc to pet ownership then the kitten needs to be returned imo

OP - you say you are caring for the kitten but you don’t know where it is - this is really important before you leave the house (or at most times tbh) as they can get into the tiniest spaces and possibly damage themselves - it also may suddenly appear scaring your kids and in turn being frightened again.
It also shouldn’t just be abandoned to a cold space overnight and it shouldn’t be having cows milk, but should be having specific food so many times a day. Please look up how to care for it pending its hopeful rehoming.
Otherwise, if not already, it will have issues that actually last its whole life - rescue kittens are known for this strong possibility despite them being cared for properly since very young.
I love cats and despise spiders - I would however ensure that if either were brought in as a pet they were cared for appropriately- spider very quickly rehomed! I believe this is the lowest bar we should expect from adults tbh. It’s no good saying it’s someone else’s responsibility- if they don’t or won’t step up then you do - deal with the other person later.

The cat deserves so much better. Yes, rehome the poor little thing.

I can't imagine listening to a baby kitten mew outside my door and just ignoring it. That's so far from OK, even if you don't intend to keep the cat.

Exactly. It's been introduced irresponsibly.

The husband isn't going to look after it and no one else is going to. It needs to be rehomed safely immediately - hopefully it doesn't come to harm before that can happen.

Rescues will take kittens quickly, they get rehomed quickly as are desirable pets (for households that want them).

Cats Protection, Blue Cross, RSPCA, Battersea, local rescues etc- call one of them now and take the kitten in to them.

It's hiding because it's terrified and alone looking for a safe place to squeeze into. That's what cats do in distress. (And ill- if it's had the wrong milk).

You need to act now before it gets really distressed. Your DH is incapable of looking after it and the rest of you don't want to- which all has the same result of neglect and mistreatment. Take it to a rescue now. There's 0 reason not to.

Why keep a cat if you're planning to divorce? It'll end up going to your husband and the neglect will worsen for its whole life. Please don't do that to this innocent animal. It didn't choose this. Don't keep it around to use it as more ammunition against your DH. Even though I do understand the frustration that you have to clean up this mess, but the animal doesn't deserve it.

Put aside your (probably justified) anger and resentment at your husband for a moment and just deal with this.

I am an animal lover but getting a pet should be a family decision and your husband is not being kind to the kitten.

Your family sound strange to me OP.

However, your son's reaction indicates that it wasn't really about the cat. I'm guessing he feels regularly steamrolled over by his father who, is quite domineering, doesn't listen to other people, and does what he likes regardless of how other people feel.... I'm guessing?

@Londonrach1 I live in the countryside, and a lot of people here have a misconception that it's fine to leave cats out at all hours. There's a good reason why love cats heat, and they can die of hypothermia. I just think it's cruel and irresponsible to just kick them out if it's close to freezing.

Unhinged behaviour but I feel
sorry for the poor thing (as a crazy cat lady) where are you in the UK? I would definitely take it from you and rehome it with me?

I haven't read the full thread so could be in the minority here. But I feel this is a tad over reaction on your behalf.

Your son does sound like he is having a rough time which is awful. Pets can bring joy and can have a stress reducing effect. Could this have been something your husband was thinking of?

In terms of factoring in a cat into your life they are relatively fuss free once out of the kitten/adolescent stage.

But if it's going to cause so much upset and the cat will go unloved then maybe it's best to re-home.

Your DH is abusing his child and his new pet. And you. What a shit.

I think my actions would be: 1) rehome the kitten - it's not fair on the kitten to be in this situation and it's causing a lot of upset in an already very stressed household, 2) check on support for your son - he's got an awful lot on his plate at the moment. You mentioned he's probably ND but is he also struggling with his MH? One of my friends died when I was a similar age and I struggled massively and suicide adds a whole lot of complicated feelings on top, 3) also check on your 12 yr old because they might also be struggling but showing it less, 4) get support for you - you also sound like you have an awful lot on your plate and are close to breaking. I also think the actions of your husband sound controlling and you have said you want to leave. So I'd contact someone like womens aid for advice and support.

This sums up my thoughts. Getting a pet is a family decision. Your dh is clearly clueless about how to settle a new kitten into a home anyway. They need their own small, confined space with several litter trays and free access to food and water. It needs kitten proofing, too - just as with a crawling baby or a toddler. They then choose when to venture further and further outside of their safe space. They also need socialising and playing with - again, just as you do with a baby/ child. Your dh is totally unreasonable to take this decision on himself and with patently no thought to this animal's needs.

I do however notice that your post is mostly focused on how ypur eldest son feels about it. Are you sure your youngest is totally against the idea? If your eldest is dealing with anxiety, it is feasible that you may have inadvertently overlooked your other son's real views.

My dd is nd and goes through phases of significant anxiety. Her cats soothe and calm her and it helps her to have animals to care for. We've had our two since kittens, did everything correctly, and have been rewarded with two beautiful, happy, calm and loving family pets.

But if thr majority says no, your dh needs to rehome it - responsibly!

Your husband is an idiot. He needs to take the kitten back.

I find the childrens' aversion to a kitten a bit odd.

The poor thing needs to be rehomed ASAP.

I'm autistic, have a physical disability, and really dislike cats. When we were growing up, my younger sister really wanted a pet cat. I was about 15 when my dad decided to get her one. He had a conversation with me first so that I knew that I wouldn't be expected to look after or pet the cat, have it in my room, feed it or clean its litter tray (sensory issues, the smell of cat food is truly awful to me) and so on. That he knew I didn't want a cat and wanted to make it as easy for me as possible even though he was going against what I wanted.

I coped with that. If he'd just come home with a surprise cat and told me 'you're a child, you don't get a say' I'd probably have cried too! Anyone suggesting that it would be good for a neurodivergent teenager who doesn't like cats to be made to look after one can just fuck off, tbh. They have no idea what they're talking about. Totally agree with the earlier poster who said that if you don't understand, replace it with something you personally wouldn't want in your house - maybe a big pet tarantula or rat running around freely.

I wasn't spoilt and had plenty of other non-cat-related chores to do but it was accepted that I didn't have to go near the animal I didn't want in the first place. It got plenty of love and care from the family members who did want it.

Some people just don't like animals. It's not a moral failing. People are just different and that's okay. In a family you have to make compromises sometimes but that's done with discussion and understanding, not one person doing what they want and expecting everyone else to deal with it.

I've not read the whole thread, just OP's posts, but it is just so distressing. The poor, poor kitten.
I know there is a worrying escalation in animal cruelty and irresponsible pet ownership but it's just unbelievable that this little defenseless animal was brought into a home where it wasn't wanted and with no apparent plan for it's care and welfare.
Just horrible to read.
The poor thing needs to be rehomed somewhere where it can be given the love and attention it needs.

Your DH is an idiot. If he gets a cat he needs to care for it but how could you not go and take care of a mewing upset cat when no one else would? It’s probably terrified. Seems like you’ve projected how you feel about cats on your kids as that’s an odd reaction for children to have to an innocent cute animal!!

To be fair the kitten is probably better away from a houseful of unhinged individuals. Though it could be argued that your husband is as entitled to have a pet as the rest of you are not to want one. It's his house too.

Your sons and you though, need to get a grip. They are not going to cope well in the real world with real problems, when having a kitten in the house reduces them to gibbering neurotics. You really need to stop enabling this and tell them to get a grip. It's a kitten, not a lion.
Ridiculous behaviour whatever the rights and wrongs of your husband's actions.

All a bit dramatic to be honest. A cat stays outside a lot of the time and is hardly loud or boisterous. I couldn’t get that worked up about it.