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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really unhappy at having a cat imposed on us

881 replies

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 06:52

Dh wanted to get a cat a couple of years ago. None of the rest of us did, especially DS16 (14 at the time) - neither of the kids have ever wanted a pet or to have an animal that will live in the house in particular. Outside maybe, but not in the house, and I thought that was the end of it.
But yesterday, in comes dh with a pet carrier with a kitten inside, completely unannounced. I'd noticed he had been clearing out the porch on the morning, and i just left him to it, but now I know it was to make space for a litter tray. Ds12 looked at me as if to say, why is this happening? Especially knowing how his brother feels about pets. So I had to go upstairs and let DS16 know there was a cat in the house, it was already mewing quite loudly anyway, but it's a tiny kitten and he could easily have stood on it if he came down the stairs, where it had been sitting out of view. He is already in the middle of a hard and uncertain time leaving school, starting college, anxiety in general as well as dealing with his feelings girl, and also the suicide of a school friend. He ended up crying, not so much about the cat itself, but that his dad had gone against his wishes and got the cat anyway. He went and asked his dad if he just had to accept this, to which the reply was yes, no further conversation. But then I have to deal with all the emotions from ds, not his dad. And as the evening went on, the cat was sitting outside ds's bedroom constantly mewing while he was trying to do his homework for starting college this week. He has very early starts all week and just wanted to get his work done and get to bed. Ds12 was trying to get to sleep, all this while dh was sitting downstairs out of the way with his headphones on watching Jimmy Carr and laughing his head off, oblivious to everything.
I also went to bed, and heard dh downstairs putting the cat in the conservatory, so I could now hear it mewing from my room, not to mention it gets bloody cold in there on a night. Now today dh goes to work (WFH weds Thurs and Fri but out mon and Tuesday) and I have no idea what to do with this kitten while we're all out. DS16 should be home by around 2pm today, but says he doesn't want to come back if the cat is going to be here. Ds12 is going to be here on his own for a couple of hours as he doesn't start school til later this morning, and now he has to think about making sure the cat doesn't escape when he goes out. It's just another layer of worry that we didn't need. I know that lots of animal lovers will think this is a ridiculous overreaction, but it's how the kids feel, and I understand it. And I have to deal with the consequences, not dh. He never has to deal with anything. If anyone has seen any of my other threads, you might get what I mean. All the kids want is to be able to relax a bit when they get home, and DS16 in particular feels like he doesn't have that now, especially at the start of what is going to be a stressful two years of A levels.
Is this a complete overreaction on our part? Is dh well within his rights to get a pet?

OP posts:
FuckThePoPo · 09/09/2024 09:42

ElderMrs · 09/09/2024 09:12

This. I'm outraged for the poor scared little kitten.

But wtf why are your children crying and devastated?

My thoughts exactly!!!!! I just can't beleive this is even real

AnonymousBleep · 09/09/2024 09:42

I don't understand the weird attitude of refusing to come home if there's a kitten there, unless the son is ND or has severe allergies. Otherwise he's being a ridiculous drama queen and I wouldn't encourage that sort of behaviour, if he reacts like this to a kitten, he's going to have a complete nervous breakdown once he leaves home and starts work. Of course your DH shouldn't have arbitrarily bought a kitten though. It deserves a good home so I'd take it to the nearest animal shelter while he's at work. It can't stay with you, it's not safe there.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/09/2024 09:43

mydogisthebest · 09/09/2024 09:40

Children don't get to decide whether there is a pet in the house or not. The children sound spoilt, weird and ridiculous

Well exactly. My parents never asked me before they got pets! We were informed, not asked! However, my parents actually looked after our pets and it sounds like both adults here are extremely cruel and should not own animals- at least the op can see that shame her husband cant

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 09/09/2024 09:46

mydogisthebest · 09/09/2024 09:40

Children don't get to decide whether there is a pet in the house or not. The children sound spoilt, weird and ridiculous

Yes they fucking do.

You're obviously an animal lover. You don't get to impose your wants above the rest of your family.

LadyQuackBeth · 09/09/2024 09:46

Ivehearditbothways · 09/09/2024 09:27

The OP has been posting for months about a divorce she keeps saying she is going to get started. She also posts about her husband leaving a dent in the soap bottle (a whole thread about it) and a thread in her wanting to share inappropriate information about their marriage with the oldest son. The son seems to be treated as some sort of counsellor to the OP, and he is being burdened with family stuff which he really shouldn’t be. No wonder he burst into tears over the kitten, poor boy has way too much put onto him. It’s a dysfunctional family with a very selfish husband, a dramatic and inappropriate mum and two kids caught in the middle.

This background does make sense.

How did you tell your DS about the cat? Most people would have acted like it was cute and did he want to come and see it, not committing to keeping it but also not making a helpless animal some sort of battle line.

Is it possible you presented the cat to DS as another area of conflict in the house, one where he was on your side against his DH? It's this pressure that would explain the tears, not the presence of a cat that could realistically not affect his life at all.

NC1258 · 09/09/2024 09:47

Poor kitten! It needs to be rehomed (taken back to where it came from immediately).

I say this in the kindest possible way as I know this is not a situation of your making and something the rest of you don't want.

Poor thing needs to be welocmed, wanted and emotionally cared for. It's just lost it's mum and family. I spent the first few nights with our mewing, scared kittens until they settled, since then they're very much part of our daily lives. I know you don't want any of this and it sounds like your eldest son is already struggling. So it's better to take the poor thing back so it can be rehomed. All the best for you all.

LoopyLou67 · 09/09/2024 09:48

mydogisthebest · 09/09/2024 09:40

Children don't get to decide whether there is a pet in the house or not. The children sound spoilt, weird and ridiculous

Perhaps not decide but it certainly should be a family decision where the children are comfortable with it.

i wouldn’t be a dick and get a dog if my kids were terrified of it.

TonTonMacoute · 09/09/2024 09:49

namechange1986 · 09/09/2024 07:29

He shouldn't have just brought it home unexpectedly. However, your reactions seem absolutely insane to me.

This.

Poor little kitten.

SwiftiesVSLestat · 09/09/2024 09:50

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 09/09/2024 09:46

Yes they fucking do.

You're obviously an animal lover. You don't get to impose your wants above the rest of your family.

oh behave. I don’t even like cats.

Every child has their parents wants imposed on them. Do you expect children to have the final say on whether more children are born? Or whether you move house or where the parents are buying a house? Or even what’s for dinner every night?

JoyousPinkPeer · 09/09/2024 09:52

I would simply re-home the cat without telling husband.

SwiftiesVSLestat · 09/09/2024 09:54

Ivehearditbothways · 09/09/2024 09:27

The OP has been posting for months about a divorce she keeps saying she is going to get started. She also posts about her husband leaving a dent in the soap bottle (a whole thread about it) and a thread in her wanting to share inappropriate information about their marriage with the oldest son. The son seems to be treated as some sort of counsellor to the OP, and he is being burdened with family stuff which he really shouldn’t be. No wonder he burst into tears over the kitten, poor boy has way too much put onto him. It’s a dysfunctional family with a very selfish husband, a dramatic and inappropriate mum and two kids caught in the middle.

See I did think something like this. But couldn’t articulate it.

The children are in the middle of a marital war zone with both parents behaving appallingly. Not just the DH.

Those poor children and poor cat. The older DS is clearly not going to be equipped to handle life as an adult (which might suit Op) and the younger one getting stressed because of the older brothers potential reactions and both of the kids being used by each parent to hurt the other parent.

and a poor kitten being neglected in middle of it.

Debtandmoredebt · 09/09/2024 09:54

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 09/09/2024 09:46

Yes they fucking do.

You're obviously an animal lover. You don't get to impose your wants above the rest of your family.

Im not a cat lover either particularly, but my children have no say in what pets we do or do not get. That’s something reserved for the adult in my opinion.

I think it’s really important for children to grow up respecting and looking after animals, not having a tantrum over a tiny kitten and having a parent give in to it.

It’s not really about the cat, but the attitude towards an animal by the child is bizarre.

CatChant · 09/09/2024 09:58

Poor helpless kitten. Taken from its mother and littermates and thrust into a household where no one will care for it, fed the wrong diet, shoved into a cold conservatory and ignored when it cries for company.

Please, please take it to a rescue shelter or back to its original home. Don’t advertise it as free to the first taker because there are some very cruel people in the world.

No your husband absolutely shouldn’t have imposed the kitten on you but please don’t let the kitten suffer for his selfishness.

mydogisthebest · 09/09/2024 10:04

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 09/09/2024 09:46

Yes they fucking do.

You're obviously an animal lover. You don't get to impose your wants above the rest of your family.

Well they shouldn't. What else do children get to dictate to their parents in your weird world? Where they live, how they decorate, what car they have, where they holiday?

I guess if you have children they are also spoilt brats

PfishFood · 09/09/2024 10:04

I will preface this by saying I am a cat lover. I have two and they are my world (no kids). I had a cat when I met DH and she came as part of a package with me when we moved in together. The cats we have now are OUR cats.

I would have had to seriously think about the relationship if he had said from the outset that he never wanted a cat/pet.

I have a friend who grew up with pets and loves them. Her husband never had pets and just doesn't get it. He is like OP and is very against them (I suspect he has some OCD tendencies and the thought of an animal in the house fills him with fear about dirt/mess). As a result, they don't have pets. My friend would dearly love one, but respects her husband's wishes and would most definitely not just turn up with one. It would honestly be a divorce moment for her husband if she did.

This is all to say, a pet is NOT something your foist upon your family if they don't want it. OP's DH is being atrociously selfish and, on top of that, a shitty cat owner too, giving it milk. One of our cats has a severe lactose intolerance and gets the almighty shits if she has anything with dairy in it.

A kitten needs socialising as well as basic care. To be honest, if his plan is to just leave it all day while he's out at work, he'd have been better to get two, so at least they'd have each other.

People often think cats are cheap, but they have a habit of getting themselves into mischief. Within 6 months of having ours we had to spend £800 on an operation due to her own daftness. I've spent more in one year on that cat, than I did in 14 years on my old cat.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 09/09/2024 10:07

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 09/09/2024 09:46

Yes they fucking do.

You're obviously an animal lover. You don't get to impose your wants above the rest of your family.

I'm just trying to imagine my Mum asking if I minded her getting another pet when I was a child! I don't have children but if I did they would have to suck it up if they didn't want a cat in the house (severe allergies aside obviously). When they have their own home they are free to decide whether or not they have pets.

DH knew that when we moved in together a cat was going to be non negotiable. Luckily he agreed and we even moved so we could have somewhere more suitable for a cat.

OP's DH was an idiot for bringing the kitten home but the whole family reaction is over the top. My only sympathy here is with the kitten.

LittleMissLateForWorkAgain · 09/09/2024 10:10

Even if you don't want it (and it sounds like the best option would be to return or rehome the poor thing) please find it and take care of it for now. It's a baby away from it's mum probably scared and cold. It needs warmth love kitten food and water/ kitten milk.

Last Christmas I very suddenly took in an abandoned 4 week old kitten. I slept with him and kept him with us all the time. None of my family reacted with anything but love and compassion and today he's a lovely 10 month old who loves everyone.

My dc have always had pets around and when ds was going through mh problems as a teen having cats really helped him.

The one I feel sorry for here is this poor kitten who has landed where they are not wanted through no fault of their own.

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 10:11

I haven't got time to read all the replies properly or reply fully, I'm at work and my head is battered, but I do want to say that of course I care about the welfare of this cat, and that none of us have ignored or been cruel to it. My heart is racing knowing I've left it alone at home, and I couldn't see any sign of it in the conservatory when I left. I've messaged dh. He needs to deal with this. And yes, I will be divorcing him as soon as I have the physical and mental time to deal with that on top of everything else in my life that I do not have time to go into. It won't be about the cat, or the dent in the soap bottle, there is so much more to it.

OP posts:
Nicebloomers · 09/09/2024 10:12

Does your son react in this extreme way frequently? if so you’ve got bigger problems than an unwanted kitten.

MugPlate · 09/09/2024 10:12

The kitten is a symptom of a deeper problem. But you know this.

CheekySwan · 09/09/2024 10:13

It an extra responsibility and he should not have done this. If your son is having issues, he doesn't need the added stress.

But on the other hand pets can be a loving support and pick up on things, has he tried holding/stroking it to see how it makes him feel? My mums cat always new when there was something wrong with me either medically or mentally and wouldn't leave me alone when there was. Could have been worse, he could have brought a puppy home.

SwiftiesVSLestat · 09/09/2024 10:14

WinkyTinky · 09/09/2024 10:11

I haven't got time to read all the replies properly or reply fully, I'm at work and my head is battered, but I do want to say that of course I care about the welfare of this cat, and that none of us have ignored or been cruel to it. My heart is racing knowing I've left it alone at home, and I couldn't see any sign of it in the conservatory when I left. I've messaged dh. He needs to deal with this. And yes, I will be divorcing him as soon as I have the physical and mental time to deal with that on top of everything else in my life that I do not have time to go into. It won't be about the cat, or the dent in the soap bottle, there is so much more to it.

But your other posts suggest you marriage has been dead since around the time you got pregnant with your second dc.

You and your husband are imposing so much harm on these children while they wait for you to be physically and mentally ready.

If you haven’t been ready in that time and haven’t been able to get yourself ready for the sake of your kids, maybe you need to look at alternative. Like counselling so you aren’t participating in this toxicity and it’s not rubbing off on your children.

whyhere · 09/09/2024 10:15

NC1258 · 09/09/2024 09:47

Poor kitten! It needs to be rehomed (taken back to where it came from immediately).

I say this in the kindest possible way as I know this is not a situation of your making and something the rest of you don't want.

Poor thing needs to be welocmed, wanted and emotionally cared for. It's just lost it's mum and family. I spent the first few nights with our mewing, scared kittens until they settled, since then they're very much part of our daily lives. I know you don't want any of this and it sounds like your eldest son is already struggling. So it's better to take the poor thing back so it can be rehomed. All the best for you all.

This ^^. Please, if you have an ounce of compassion for this creature, take it back today.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 09/09/2024 10:16

As hard as it is don't get involved in the care of the kitten. I would be furious if anyone did this to me. I'm also inclined to agree with those posters who think you should rehome it - play fire with fire, you've got nothing to lose except hopefully your horrible husband.

AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime · 09/09/2024 10:17

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 09/09/2024 09:46

Yes they fucking do.

You're obviously an animal lover. You don't get to impose your wants above the rest of your family.

No. They really don’t.

Do you apply the same logic to parents wanting a baby they don’t? And before anyone says that it’s not the same, I am referring to you saying that parents don’t get to impose their wishes on their children.

The only exception IMO is deciding to move a step parent in.