To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

Surely no one loves step children like their own? You said it’s hard but they’re really good kids. I think that’s fine!

Ultimately, I think that if a step parent chooses to place themselves in a position where children will naturally ascribe parental-like role and responsibilities, then that person does have moral responsibilities towards the children. And while I understand that a person may deep down not feel the same - and there is nothing wrong with that - I don't think it follows that it is fine to have those kind of conversations. And this is particularly the case if you have your own kids together who are living with your step kids in a single household.

But do put a PIN on your phone to keep everything safe

With regard to reading the message, call me crazy but I don't think it's a big deal, you are a married couple, if there's nothing to hide then it shouldn't bother you. Perhaps you're just annoyed that he read something you know you shouldn't have written

“There is no way you can love them as your own as you didn’t give birth to them”, are you serious? What a horrible thing to say ☹️

I am truly baffled by the comments on here stating you can’t ever love a step child more than your own?!!!!!

I’ve had wonderful experiences with a step parent, who gave me so much support and guidance (heaps more than birth one, must I add). Awfully ignorant and daft comment.

So you say he's already concerned how you feel about his children anyway. Then he sees their names pop up in a message ? how could he not look ? I know I would. So you wouldn't have a problem if you read the same on his fone. You've humiliated him also by your wording about his children to your friends.

I don't agree that I shouldn't have written it to be honest so I don't think it's that. I think I'm entitled to private conversations with friends and yes, even privately away from my husband.

We all need to vent away from our spouses sometimes surely? Just because you're married doesn't mean you may never need or want to speak to another person privately.

As I say, I'd stake my life that he has had a moan about me before to his mate when we've argued or whatever, as have I from time to time. I don't think that's abnormal to want or need on occasion.

Irrelevant as you are.moaning about his kids not him

And that's great for you.
But you can't speak for them.
OP was in a private conversation
She didn't say this to the children

And you need to look at his phone carefully

The point remains the same. Being able to have private conversations away from your spouse is not abnormal. Just because you're married doesn't mean that person should be given a pass to read through private conversations behind your back.

Whether I was discussing him, the kids, ours or his, his mum, whoever. Us being married is not an excuse as PP was implying.

@PointToItOnThePage most definitely we are all entitled to private conversations away from our spouses, no doubt about it! It's just unfortunate that he was able to see it, we're not angels and we will have grievances though it should be made sure that once said it goes into thin air and the recipient (or in this recipient's father) don't catch wind of it

He could have asked me.

Women read men's messages it's mentioned on here all the time but no one should be doing it

And he wouldn't have. If he just minded his own business.

I think sometimes its good to remember that written words remain and sometimes they sound harsher when you read them than when you say them. I was a step child and although I knew my step parents (who had their own children ) had great affection and even love for me I also knew that my mum and dad loved me more as I did them. It was all good really tbh. It’s just maybe best to keep conversations like this to when you see people face to face. He shouldn’t have read your phone but he must have had your password so maybe it’s something you do as a rule in your relationship?

Yes, he could have but in the moment he obviously didn't think he could trust you to tell the truth. If my children were being discussed by someone and I had an opportunity to read the message I would no doubt do rhe same. Rightly or wrongly. Wouldn't anyone? Come on here like ?
You have bigger issues now and he could end up resenting you.

I think he shouldn’t have read your messages but if you really can’t see why he’s upset by what your wrote about your feelings towards his kids then I’d assume some form of neurodivergent issues or personality disorder to be honest.

Well that is a horrible thing to say! ‘Random strangers’? These are innocent children trying to navigate a situation where they have to get on with their dad’s partner/mother’s partner - your friend sounds awful!!!

@DavidBeckhamsrightfoot his kids are his business, so he was minding it.
You're all acting like reading your spouse's messages is the worse thing in the world 😅 what is so bad that you've got to react so strongly about it! That's a red flag in my book.

And I don't see how I've humiliated him with my wording either.

The conversation was about step parenting. They may be his children but it is my lived experience still. I am the one who has the experience of being a step parent, not him. I should be allowed to discuss that.

There have been occasions in the past where I've felt he's wanted to silence my feelings about aspects of step parenting I've found hard, I've said to him before I wish just for a day our roles could be reversed so he could see something from my POV as a SP & not a parent.

I don't know why just because they are his children that should mean I am not allowed or entitled to discuss with other people in the same position, a huge part of my life which is step parenting and yes it's not always roses!

Why did you choose a man with kids then? You must have known you’d be in this position? You sound very selfish tbh

With the greatest of respect, you are still trying to justify what you have said instead of getting angry about him reading your messages.
Get tougher and stand up for yourself. He's calling the time and you are dancing

But op don't you see, the tone you're using on this thread is so different.

"It's not always roses" - indeed, if you'd written that, I don't think your dh would have been so horrified.

It was all the talk of being a saint and such. It's so scornful.

You must know deep down that your tone was out of order on that group chat, because you're tempering your tone much more on this thread

I respect that completely OP and he should respect what you say. It's a tricky one, on one hand it's easy to say that you made the decision to take on the role of step parent so you need to deal with the challenges just as any parent does. On the other hand, you may not be that close to them which somewhat justifies airing out your true feelings about them to other people. I don't know what else to say... it is a very tricky one.