To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

*Tune

@PointToItOnThePage - I don’t think what you said was terrible, but I can see why your husband was hurt and upset by the way you talked about his children and your feelings towards them.

I don't really understand the point you are making?

So you choose a man with children and are then never allowed to discuss privately with someone else in the same position, the difficult aspects of that? Why? Is there any other huge part of our lives we are not allowed to moan about / discuss with others? No.

Me saying step parenting is hard is not the same as saying I hate the kids. What is wrong with saying it's hard? It is/can be.

on one hand it's easy to say that you made the decision to take on the role of step parent so you need to deal with the challenges just as any parent does

It's all swings and roundabouts though isn't it because parents moan about the challenges of being a parent all the time!

“I suppose that’s another thread.” No, that’s the primary issue. He’s reading your private messages 🚩

If my partner had said the same things that you did about your poor step-children, I’d be furious! You say he’s previously questioned your relationship with them - it would seem that there is an issue?

Also the fact you didn’t say anything to your friend describing step-children as ‘random strangers in the house’ is abhorrent

1. You have a right to discuss that but not ways of discussing it are equal.
2. The audience matters - a group of friends complaining Vs support groups Vs a therapist. Perhaps you have the right to discuss It with the second and third option but not, with the first.
3. The intention also matters. Is the conversation ultimately focused on making the family unit, of which the children are the vulnerable members, as loving and cohesive as possible, or is it focused on justifying the current situation and your experiences.

Obviously IRL things are nuanced and can be more than one thing at once, but i don't think having a right to discuss something means that you are a right to discuss It in every way and with everyone. The message about strangers was horrible. The children are vulnerable and should be the priority.

Don’t apologise- he would not be upset if he hadn’t invaded your privacy by reading your messages. Tbh I’d be really reconsidering my relationship if my partner did that.

I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

I’m a step child and if my stepdad had felt like that when I was growing up I’d really rather not have known. Thankfully he has never, ever, made me feel less loved than his younger biological kids that I grew up with.

So be mad.

Twice divorce and multiple baby mamas is certainly a look...

Not a good look but it certainly would ensure not many women will be leaping to fulfill the step mother role.

Totally agree with you, being a step parent is hard and me personally i don't love my step kids like I love my own child. That may make me seem bad but it's true. What you said I 100% agree with and he's not a step parent so can't understand.

Eh???

And they don't know, nor will they. Because it was a private conversation or should have been.

Didn’t you say your partner had previously questioned your relationship with them though? So I’m guessing you’re making it fairly obvious 😬

Why is it ‘horrible, daft and ignorant’, to point out the love you have for you biological children share DNA with is different to the love you may have for step children. The OP herself has pointed this out in her post.

I’d question the parent who loves their step children more than their own actually, clearly an issue there then.

Step parents, like any decent adults can adore children who are not their own, mentor guide and nurture them, doesn’t mean it’s the same love as their mother. Why does that cause such discernment.

The saint thing perhaps was worded harshly but I stand by the fact still that I think anyone who can love stepchildren as much as their own children is a saint in my book because I don't know how it's possible, certainly not for me anyway. Not because the children are unlovable as some PPs have tried to imply, that was never my meaning but because I think it's wholly unrealistic to expect a step parent to always love their SC like their own. If it happens then amazing, but I don't think it should be expected and I highly doubt it's the norm.

This is why you don't read people's private messages.

This view apparently, is horrid daft and something else I can’t recall

Agree 👍

I had 3 step kids. They were all teens when DH (now Ex) got together.

Eldest daughter was lovely. Middle (son) was indifferent (that was fine- he barely spoke to his dad, never mind me). Youngest at 15, was relentless in her hostility. It went on for years. First two years after we married, she just ignored me or was plain rude. If dad held my hand or brought me a small bunch of flowers, she went into such a low mood, or just went home to mum. She then refused contact. That went on for 6 years.

ExDH knew it wasn’t me. Nothing I did was right/acceptable. It was dreadful and I ended up on antidepressants and having counselling.

What I’m saying is, you can never ever criticise or be seen to express anything negative about your steps. ExDH had enormous guilt about the end of his marriage to their mother even though she had had an affair. I came along years later and inherited a total toxic mess.

We’re divorced now.

Best thing.

From experience and threads when a Step parent address unwanted behaviours from the sc she instantly gets accused of hating the children 🤦🏼‍♀️ could be as simple as she’s said oh I don’t like when Ben leaves his piss on the toilet seat it’s disgusting and the dad is like it’s not disgusting is a mistake so on and so forth. As an example. Could be her raising an opinion makes him think she has a problem with his kids

I would be very upset too, reading that about my children.

Surely the issue is more that OP’s partner has questioned her relationship with his children, he then sees his children’s names pop up on her phone and reads these messages - clearly there’s an issue - in my view if you’re not able to at least act like you love your stepchildren then why choose a man who already has kids?

Shit talking his kids to friends. No idea why he’s annoyed.

I really wish people would stop repeating "stepmothers always get a hard time on here" straight off the bat. In reality they definitely don't always get a hard time, if they're the OP people are usually sympathetic as is the case here. Saying this automatically dismisses any constructive criticism stepmothers may get and creates derisiveness. A few stepmothers then don't take and fair feedback on back but hide behind the victim-status of being a stepmother, or go on about there being a stigma. But then perhaps they are type to always play the victim anyway...

OP - I can understand it'd be hard for your DH to read that, and I personally think you should have challenged your friend on the "random strangers" comment. But you are entitled to your thoughts, they were not mean-spirited and your DH invaded your privacy.