To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

She has taken on parental responsibilities for those kids. You haven't done so for your cousins.

How dare he read your messages and then berate you for the feelings you privately shared with your friends! I take it he is not a stepparent and has no ideas of the sacrifices you're making. I'd be tempted to nacho for a bit.

No she hasn't. At all.
You're wrong.

No, have you actually read what you quoted of me?

I said you don't have to love anyone's kids as much as your own. But don't go slating them on a group chat.

Do you slate your cousin's kids on a group chat? Maybe stop doing that

What, if anything, do you think she has taken on?

No it's not

The response to the messages are irrelevant really.

For him to go through your messages like that is all kinds of wrong.

Why can't she say it on a private and secure conversation with her own friends?

I don't need to I do it in person to the people I need to, I slate my own kids in every known fashion.

You're failure to understand parental responsibility is the issue there.
Once you've educated yourself you'll understand your error. It's rather basic.

Slating your own kids is clearly different, it's like being self deprecating.

"Oh my Dc, he can be so annoying it does my head in"
Is clearly different to
"Oh my cousin's dc, he's so annoying it dpes my head in"

The first is normal. The second is bitchy. If you can't tell the difference, you don't understand basic social etiquette

She's taken on a life in which his kids will be present and he will be prioritising them at times. That's it. Neither legally, nor morally does she have parental responsibility for the children. They should not (and presumably do not) love her like they love their own mother. She is under no obligation to love them like she loves her own children. Beyond treating them kindly and being welcoming to them, she has no responsibilities to them.

How utterly stupid.

This is exactly what I've said. I'm not having for a moment that he's never moaned about me to his mates in the years we've been together. Of course he has.

As PP said too, he doesn't have a problem when it's our DC I'm ranting to a friend about because they got me up at 4am or are being particularly difficult that day or whatever.

Do not enter into further conversation with him about his kids

I would firmly tell him you haven't forgiven his disgusting violation and the complete loss of trust and that at prest you won't be performing any duties to his children. You'll be the kind fun friend who lives here.
So 100% of their care and needs is on him.
All cleaning, feeding, transporting

I didn't say she was wicked or malicious.

My opinion is that the OP's response was not favourable about her SCs. You don't have to agree with me.

This is what I thought about the slagging off comments too. I don't feel I've said anything personal about the children at all to be honest, more just about step parenting in general and how it's difficult. Which it is!

I agree with PPs though we clearly need a conversation about expectations.

Going through your phone js not okay if it's a boundary you have set so that is another issue. However if I had read these messages I would be upset. My partner is step dad to my children and says he loves them as his own. We also have a dd together and he is clear he feels the same towards her as the others. So perhaps the problem is that you think the way you do?

edit

Thank you.

I love my adopted DS. I may not have given birth to him, but he is my boy.

Edited to say that I could see that it might be easier to form a stronger bond with an adopted child than with a step child if the other parent is very much part of the step child's life, as logically they probably will have a stronger bond with their actual parent. Whereas an adopted child generally doesn't have a lot of contact with their birth parent so you fill a parent shaped hole in their lives.

It's easy to say the right things.

And yet we see women posting so confused because they're divorcing their husband and now have a devastated oldest because he only wants to see his real child.

People who eavesdrop never hear any good of themselves (or their kids!).

I'd say your comments were perfectly fair. Ask him if he expects your step kids to love you as much as they love their Mum?

I would be full on raging that my DH read my messages, how dare he?
And beyond that I would refuse to engage.
You are not responsible for your friend's rant in the group chat
You are entitled to respond as you feel to your friends in group chat
They are your friends and your group chat

If he wants to unsettle your relationship because of something he saw by breaching your boundaries then that's on him. You have absolutely nothing to apologise for.

I think you absolutely can love kids as your own even if you didn’t give birth to them.

I have to second this OP. I have a step parent and he speaks of me proudly as if I'm his daughter, I've heard him when he didn't think I was listening. So it's probably disheartening for your DH to read negative things being said about his kids. Imagine it was the other way around, that should put it in perspective for you

You have my every sympathy..I absolutely hated being a stepmum