To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

Abusive because he is upset his wife is bitching about his children to other people 😂.

No - because he keeps finding fault with her but not saying why, has unreasonable expectations, and reads her private messages with her friends.

If it was about my kids I don’t think I would care.

I don't think op's dh is forbidding her from speaking to her friends. That's a leap.

Look at it from his POV.

He's just opened a window into her true thoughts about his kids and is upset by what he saw.

(And for the nth time, no, it's not the fact she doesn't love them like her own. It's the scornful, snipey tone she used about them. She clearly feels contempt for them.)

Sure, he shouldn't have snooped, that crossed a line for sure.

But he did, and he learned that his wife bitches about his kids. And to top it off, she isn't sorry, stands by her words, didn't think what she said was so bad.

Any self respecting father would think twice about staying with a woman who unashamedly bitches about his kids. How can he welcome his kids into his home (EOW or whatever) knowing that his wife is gritting her teeth and resenting them?

If he didn't, mumsnet would say he's putting his dick before his kids

She clearly feels contempt for them

In your opinion.

Probably in the dh's opinion too, yeah

Then he can clean up after them himself.

Yep that's exactly what I'm suggesting he should do. Cease to live with a woman who resents and scorns his children, if he has an ounce of self respect

She clearly feels contempt for them.

Yeah sure. This in particular- "X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids" as an opening sentence really screams "contempt" 🙄

I'm not sure that op does resent and scorn the children. But her messages imply that, and it's odd she's doubling down so hard on her bitchiness.

It's like I said upthread, maybe she doesn't care how dh feels, this is all part of wanting a divorce

This has been covered upthread. If you say a bland nice thing, then say "but" then a scathing sarcastic thing involving "need to be a saint" etc...

The nice bit at the beginning is negated.

Yep that's exactly what I'm suggesting he should do. Cease to live with a woman who resents and scorns his children, if he has an ounce of self respect

Bonkers.

You would keep having your kids round, knowing your spouse was seething silently all the time and resenting stuff she does for them? I couldn't.

No! you are NOT being unreasonable. He is unreasonable for looking through your phone so can suck it up! I expect it has hit a raw nerve as his kids sound as though they are probably not sweetness and light!

@Mumof2namechange
I disagree. Both things can be true. You can think someone's kids are generally good kids and still find it hard to be around them at times. I mean Christ, I love the bones of my daughter and I'd literally die for her, BUT she doesn't half push my buttons and wind me up sometimes.

Are you saying I don't mean the first part of that sentence? Because I can assure you I absolutely do. I mean both things.

And just because it was "covered upthread" doesn't mean I agree with it 😂

You would keep having your kids round, knowing your spouse was seething silently all the time and resenting stuff she does for them? I couldn't.

But you've made this up. The OP hasn't said this at all.

Oh well, he can jog on then! See how well that works out for him as he shouldn't even be putting his partner in a position where she is feeling like this so doubt he cope alone as a single dad. I can't be doing with men who guilt trip when we are doing more than them!

But we don't know the full story. His kids could be off the rails for all we know

There's just no ownership on here as to how that use of language, articulated in that way is going to be hurtful. And in a group text setting is so disrespectful to your husband and the kids.

I feel OP, you're being really disingenuous here. The way you said it, the way you did it. Of course it's hurtful! He's allowed to be upset by this. I would be upset by this.

If he overheard you say ' I don't feel I could love my step kids the same way as I do my own' in person to a friend - that's a whole other scenario. You know that group chat is just bitchy and hurtful and of course he's going to be hurt. Just own it.

And yes, if he's purposely digging through your phone he will need to own that.

My whole point is the tone.

I mean Christ, I love the bones of my daughter and I'd literally die for her, BUT she doesn't half push my buttons and wind me up sometimes.

X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't

You really can't see the difference in tone here? Truly?

It's her dh she needs to reassure, not us.

Nah he would rather use her as free child care

his kids sound as though they are probably not sweetness and light!

Where did you get this from? 😳

It's her dh she needs to reassure, not us.

But what are you getting out of making things up about the OP?

Sure, I mean we don't know much about him, he hasn't covered himself with glory either.

He's had more kids with op, presumably already suspecting that she at-best grudgingly tolerates his older kids, so he's got himself in a bit of a pickle really.