To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

@Mumof2namechange 100% with you.

Have we already had LTB yet and I've missed it.

Why can't people own their unpleasant behaviour instead of seeking anyone who will validate their own version of who is right.

It's literally in the op, her dh is worried about how op feels about his kids. Op either needs to reassure him, or...not reassure him.

It's irrelevant really what we random strangers think.

That's why I said it's her dh she needs to reassure, not us. I can't understand how you can argue with that statement

It's literally in the op, her dh is worried about how op feels about his kids

But you made up the bit about her seething etc

How come he can access your phone?

OK, grating then. She said grating. To me, grating and seething are sort of synonyms but I can meet up with you in Pedants' Corner if you like

He definitely shouldn't have read messages on you phone. Full stop.

But he did. And what he's read has really hurt him. He feels betrayed and is probably upset that you said this stuff about his kids to people outside the family unit and may be wondering what else you say face to face as most people tone down their comments in a written form.
He probably thought you liked them more than you really do and it's a bit of a shock.

Grating and seething are nothing alike.

Grating is someone doing something that annoys you, like dragging their nails down a blackboard.

Seething is your feelings and it can be about someone doing something like dragging their nails down a blackboard, or it can be an ongoing situation.
Other people reading it have a hard time to following the convo if you switch things up like that.

Your DH should not have read your messages- I doubt many will disagree with that. You had a reasonable expectation of privacy. I can see how he ended up looking at your messages, even though he shouldn’t have, and the issue you have is that he cannot unsee what he saw.

And he obviously is upset by what he saw- there is no “well he shouldn’t have read it and he wouldn’t have known”- technically true, I suppose, but he does know and that cannot be undone. I understand you’ve apologised that he is upset , but that is a bit of a non-apology as you actually do think the things he is upset about and aren’t sorry for saying them. Now you have to work out where to go from here. Your DH is entitled to be upset (even if he was wrong to read the messages), just as you are to your own feelings about your stepchildren.

I can also see why he is upset about what you wrote- it does seem a bit like you would rather they weren’t around and don’t particularly like that you have step-children. It might not be what you meant or how you feel, but I can see why your DH could interpret it that way.

I also suspect that reading your comments in the context of things your friends said- some of which sound scathing and really quite unkind- and which you did not disagree with (though I do understand why you would not see it necessary to do so), that he thinks you don’t really disagree with what was said/really feel similarly. He saw in black and white that you were engaged in a group conversation which was overwhelmingly negative about stepchildren and he perhaps feels that what he saw actually reflected your true feelings toward his children. Add in his pre-existing concerns that you treat his step-children less favourably when compared to your joint children, and I do think you have the root of his feelings. I think you need to acknowledge and understand this aspect of his concerns, just as he needs to acknowledge he shoul not have read your messages.

Thid sort of issue where he feels you don’t really like your SC/don’t test them fairly, is only going to fester if not sorted. For both of you. Dismissing him as overreacting is unlikely to help.

I love my stepkids, have been their stepmum from a young age and they're now adults (and I'm not with their dad anymore, but they'll always be my stepchildren) but it was sometimes very hard work and yes, I did vent to my friends. I mean, I moan about my own kids sometimes, and other peoples kids, any kids! Kids can be pains in the arse.

I'd be really angry if my ex had read messages id sent to my friends when I was having a moan, well, if he'd read any messages at all, they're all private.

Much as I love my stepkids, I don't have the same love for them as I do my own kids. And as much as I was ok with telling them off etc, there was always that bit of holding back that I wouldn't do with my own kids, so not as much pressure to be perfect at all times.

Yes there's a difference.
The birth mother says she would die for her kid, who isn't easy to get along with.
The step mum says her step kids are really good but she still struggles to love them like her own.
What is the problem? It's the legit difference between being a birth mum and being a step mum.

it does seem a bit like you would rather they weren’t around and don’t particularly like that you have step-children

In what way does it seem like that?

Yeah OK. The kids grate on her. It's not ideal for a father to read that, is it?

No it's not ideal. But that is the reality. She's not dumping s&&t on them either, she says they are good kids but its not always easy for her. What did he think? What does he want? He thinks she should love them as much/in the same way she loves her own kid? Or is it just he doesn't want her saying anything less than 100% starry eyed stuff to her friends?

The difference in tone is:

In the first example, she said a strongly emphatic positive thing (I love the bones of them, I'd die for them) followed by a BUT then a bland negative thing (they push my buttons and wind me up). The overall impression is positive.

In the second example, she said a brief, bland positive thing (they're good kids) followed by a BUT then an emphatic/sarcastic negative thing (you'd have to be a saint etc). The overall impression is bitchy.

This isn't a birth mum vs stepmum comparison, it's a not bitchy vs bitchy tone comparison. You don't need an English lit degree to see the difference.

People are bending over backwards to make out op said nothing untoward but at the end of the day, she said some bitchy things about those kids and their dad saw. She's choosing not to apologise for what she said (non-apology: sorry you're hurt but I stand by what I said) and her dh has been troubled by it.

As I said, it's her dh she has to reassure, not us. Even if the few commenters who are quoting me, eventually convince me that actually what op said is grand, that won't help op

Well presumably because of how she is feeling??? I have a step daughter and I love her as my own and wish she was my own. So there must be issues = it takes TWO to TANGO

People are bending over backwards to make out op said nothing untoward but at the end of the day, she said some bitchy things about those kids and their dad saw.

Some of us just don't see it as particularly bitchy.

Dh does, that's the point.

And even op admits her "wording was harsh".

But she'd rather double down than apologise/retract/downplay her words, so she risks her dh actually overestimating how much she dislikes the kids.

I have a step daughter and I love her as my own and wish she was my own.

But you can't force love. Not feeling maternal love for someone else's children is just that.

Why hasn't she bonded with them then? Can't bare the thought of bringing up somebody else's stroppy teenagers! I'm lucky as my stepdaughter was 4 when she met me and we have a special bond. But my DH was very supportive

@Mumof2namechange has articulated this situation as clear as day. Posters are just completely disingenuous in their oversimplification of how this scenario played out.

If OP didn't have an inkling that it was bitchy, the intent was bitchy, the setting was not really ok, that husband might be valid in his feelings on this; she wouldn't be in here seeking validation over this point.

Dh does, that's the point.

If someone chooses to take offence that isn't intended, that's up to them.

It would be so easy for op to say to dh "oh I didn't really mean it, I got carried away as everyone was venting/I'd just had a bad day etc". Then move on to address the snooping issue.

It's puzzling why she doesn't say that. She chose to stand by what she said. It's seriously escalating the conflict and her dh's concerns. He probably now wonders if she really does resent them, etc

Would you lie and tell your husband that you love his children as much as your own? What's the point? Better to talk through his expectations - no?

It's like talking to a brick wall watching this thread.

Why hasn't she bonded with them then? Can't bare the thought of bringing up somebody else's stroppy teenagers!

You are making things up again. You can bond with children without loving them in the same way as your own.