To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

Yeah maybe he needs a lit degree too.

"Also there are people who love non biological children as their own - adopted or those born via donor eggs etc, "even" step children too in many cases. It's a pretty stupid thing to say to be honest"

This 👆. I don't have "my own" child but have been a Step Mum since he was a year old. He's now late 20's. I have always, and will always, put him first. He is one of my proudest achievements and I have completely cut off an old friend who insisted I couldn't possibly love him like my own. He has 2 sets of loving parents who all get on great. And strangely enough (and I do get I am in the minority here), I also don't have any issue with my DH accessing my phone because I don't have anything on it that I would have an issue with him seeing.

Deleted for being unnecessary. Already covered by others. Sorry

I cant help but feel that if the roles were reversed (i.e It was you who'd looked through your husbands phone and found these messages about your children), the responses would be very different.
Truthful or not, it would hurt me if I knew my partner felt that way. Some of the things your friends said were just downright nasty tbh, particularly the message about them being 'random strangers'. If I was your husband I'd think you were pretty two faced.

But she didn't say no one could love their step child like their own. She says those who do are saints.

I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't

THIS ^^

how bloody dare he read your personal conversations between you and your friends! Change your phone pass codes!

Do you have DC of your own? Does he treat your DC the same as he treats his own? Doubt it!

I do feel I do a lot for DSC and have a good relationship with them, but they don't need me to care for them in the same way my own children do for a variety of factors, age, the fact they have a mother who already does a mother's role, the fact they don't live with us full time etc... realistically how am i supposed to show the same level of care in two vastly different circumstances? I show care to my DSC in a way that feels (I think for both me and them), appropriate and right given the circumstances, they have a mum they don't need me in the same capacity that my own children do.

copy and paste that into a text to him!…. I would be sending it to him and telling him you’re not willing to discuss it further or be made to feel guilty for loving your own DC more than anyone else!
ofcourse you won’t love kids that don’t even live with you as much as your own DC!!
I think you’re a saint even getting with a man with DC, I have never dated anyone who has children already, and aim to keep it that way. Blended families I know are just too difficult

m I would be sending

and what happens when you split up and you’re no longer his children’s step parent? You have no rights to see them… THAT is why it’s very reasonable not to love them like your own…. It’s a very different scenario to adoption where the child IS legally yours!

@BunsHun yes agree entirely with this.

@T1Dmama I asked Lizzie similar and she fobbed me off.

@PrimalLass @T1Dmama

It's such a good point so often overlooked on these threads, time and time again. Quite apart from the fact that it is perfectly reasonable and normal to not love step kids in the same way you love your own kids, it's also a precarious and vulnerable situation to put yourself in as a stepparent. If OP's partner walked out of her life tomorrow she'd have absolutely no legal or parental rights or responsibilities over his kids, so why is she going to put herself in a situation where she will feel that loss even more and will literally never be able to see those kids again unless her ex agrees to it? I certainly wouldn't be putting myself in that situation.

Does he treat your DC the same as he treats his own? Doubt it!

why?

And the same people insisting their DP loves their children like their own would be quick to whip their kids away if there was an acrimonious breakup.

OP, step parenting is very hard at times and men often choose to ignore the fact.
They expect a level of care and regard for their children that they would never think of providing themselves.

My neighbour's daughter is a teacher who has learnt this the hard way.
A surprise pregnancy with her partner of 2 years has changed everything.

She now had an 9 month old and was invited by her sister to visit her for a few weeks in Portugal during the school holidays.

Her partner wanted her to take his children as well as it suited him and his Ex wife for childcare during the summer.
He had already told her that he was too busy to take time off during the summer months, hence her chatting to her sister about visiting her.

She refused completely and said their childcare was not her responsibility.
It has hugely blown up their relationship as he genuinely could not understand how two more children would be so hard with the baby.

She went to her sister for the entire summer and has only just returned to her parents home and returned to work.
She had genuinely never considered for a second that his and his Ex wife's childcare plan for this summer, was in fact her, because she was off.

She has had a rude awakening about "step parenting" despite her mother trying to warn her. She's 30 as well, but wouldn't be told.
She is now a single parent back living with her parents with her mum minding her daughter while she finds permanent childcare.
Her mother is not doing full-time childcare for her, she has been very clear on that point.
Her daughter has only now woken up to the step parenting deal and has completely balked at it.....
Her mother is having a real hard time hiding her irritation at how this has panned out and blown back on her and her husband, who are only recently retired.
Step parenting is a huge undertaking.

Yep, I have a bond with my cat. I am at home everyday with him. He is curled up on me right now and has been in my life since he was barely older than a kitten over a decade ago. I probably spend more time with my cat than the average person does with their step child.

If my house was on fire and my child was in it I would burn alive without a second thought trying to get to them. If my house is on fire and my cat is inside I will be sad, panicked, trying to break a window so he has an escape route, trying to calm my distraught kids who are worried about their beloved cat etc... but I wouldn't face certain death for him and risk leaving my kids without a mother.

Obviously someone will say a cats different from a child's in life value terms (which is not the point at all but lets face it some people would place saving their pet above a person) but talking about BONDS you can totally love and be bonded to someone/thing and not love it anything like your love for your own child.

This idea that OP must love them exactly like her own children or else it means she despises them is utterly bananas... it not one or the other, there is such a world of relationship between those two utter extremes of love and hate.

This idea that OP must love them exactly like her own children or else it means she despises them is utterly bananas

This idea is a strawman. The issue isn’t how much she loves her stepchildren.

The issue is the OP saying in a casual chat to friends that her stepchildren x and y are good kids, but it’s not easy such that for anyone to love x and y as their own child, they’d have to be a Saint as she certainly couldn’t.

A chat that wasn’t private or confidential. A chat that included her friends saying even more toxic things about stepchildren, calling them ‘random strangers’ in the house. Comments that she implicitly agreed with by not raising even the mildest of objections.

A chat that her husband accidentally came across as he saw his kids names pop up and so touched the pop up which led him to the whole sorry chat.

It’s one thing to have a private opinion that in general one can’t love stepchildren exactly the same as one’s own, and quite another to make it very personal and public by saying only a Saint could do that for your stepchildren on a casual group chat.

He didn't accidentally home across it. He purposely opened the messages and read them.

*come across it

Exactly that. Lots of step parents know their spouses would feel the same way if they said how they really felt about their own stepchildren. The lack of honesty, which would risk the relationship, is one of the reasons why so many children end up in toxic step families.

But shouldn’t the original poster have a safe space to rant. Sometime people have feels that other people find unfavourable but I don’t think the original poster can be called out for how she is feeling. Sometime my husband is a dick and I wil rant to my friends as this is my safe space and I would be furious that he has invaded my privacy as sometimes people just need to rant x

1. This is about children not adults. 2. The appropriate safe place would have been with a therapist or support group.

No, most normal people rant to their friends if they need to rather than hiring a therapist.

Presumably those normal people rant to their friends about their self-righteous concepts of what is and is not normal, without regard to the impact on others.

Well most people wouldn't go to a therapist if they have friends to talk to instead. But you do you.

The accidental part was seeing his kids names pop up on the screen.
He didn’t purposely dig out her phone, open messages and search by his kids names.