To think this message was not terrible and Husband is over reacting?

[PointToItOnThePage]

My husband has read messages on my phone of a group chat between a few friends.

The subject was another friends step children and an issue she had with them. A few people replied talking generally about how they couldn't deal with step children, don't know how you cope etc...

My response to the general conversation was:

'It is hard. X & Y (my stepchildrens names) are really good kids but it's not easy. I must admit I think anyone who can love them like their own is a saint, I certainly couldn't".

And then to another part of the discussion between the other people in the chat who were discussing their teenage stepchild leaving a mess everywhere:

"It definitely grates on you more when it isn't your child for sure".

The above were my only responses during this conversation.

I am quite furious that he's taken it upon himself to read through my messages but I suppose that's another thread. He thinks I'm totally unreasonable for the above, I think it was a private conversation between friends and nothing I said was actually that terrible and he's being wholly OTT to act as though what I said is a heinous marital crime.

I do a lot for my two DSC, I try my absolute best, I don't always get it right but I'm not a bad step parent and I've put myself last many many times to ensure what's best for the children is done. I don't think I deserve the grief over two messages that I really can't see are so terrible.

WIBU?

Indeed. Lots of people making things up the OP hasn't done or said.

Prob I do need an English lit degree. I don't have one and I already gave you my interp. Bare summary of reality.

I have science degrees and over 20 years working as a scientist. I also write quite a bit and the whole emphatic/bland thing went over my head. You are right, having it pointed out to me, but I still stand by what I said.

Maybe DH has a lit degree and OP doesn't?

There's a wide gulf between "loving children like your own" and bitching scathingly about them on a group chat. Come on now. No of coutse she doesn't need to love them like her own. But I think she needs to reassure her dh that she doesn't always find them "grating" or require saint-like patience or possibly agrees they are "random strangers" whatever he has rightly or wrongfully interpreted.

Because you and others might be determined to put the best possible spin on op's comments, but her dh has been troubled by them. He's no doubt at least partially misinterpreted them.

It's up to op to reassure him, or, like I said, she can choose not to.

She's chosen not to, and this is how he's reacted, and that's the situation she finds herself in, and that's what she's brought to AIBU table for us to advise her about

I have an English Lit degree.

No of coutse she doesn't need to love them like her own. But I think she needs to reassure her dh that she doesn't always find them "grating" or require saint-like patience or possibly agrees they are "random strangers" whatever he has rightly or wrongfully interpreted.

She probably has.

The intent is very clear. Husband is just responding naturally to that. It wouldn't take much for OP to address this and take ownership for the obvious and understandable hurt caused.

When people double down so very hard on something so blindingly clear, that takes so little to resolve, it absolutely screams of failure to take accountability and immaturity.

If he thinks twice, it will be to keep checking for more references to home life. He found something of note. He will check for more

Oh well he needs to grow a pair and get over it! Sounds like he was expecting her to act like his offspring's birth mother, which she isn't.

@Babyandfurbabymum the fact he actually responded the way he did is actually a really good thing in my eyes. He's reacting appropriately.

Unlike so many men we shred on here for not giving a shit.

He may be a dick in other aspects of their life / as a parent but we only know about this particular issue and his response. His response is completely understandable and I'm glad he has actually expressed it! That's more balls than some of the deadbeats who'd ignore it.

Are you for real? I doubt you have step children. He should take account of how she has been made to feel!

I wouldn't. I would see it as my partner having some struggles that they don't feel comfortable confiding in me about step-parenting. why is everyone so down on the OP? She obviously cares enough to reach out here and feels bad. some people on here are too judgemental!!

@Babyandfurbabymum I don't think I could be a step mum for many reasons. I wouldn't want to take that additional responsibility on myself. You don't need to be a stepmum to understand why the way this was done is hurtful. It's obviously hurtful! Context is everything here.
Yes I'm very real.

If I've missed additional information in this thread regards what OP is being subjected to, I'll concede.

Yes - she said that she's tried to raise it with him before and he doesn't want to hear it.

I'm shocked that so many are washing over the fact that he read not only her private messages but her friends' too. If I found out someone's husband had read my messages I would be furious.

put a security code on that phone!

I agree with you, but..... If he had resolved it the way you would have liked, she wouldn't be posting on here would she?

I agree with you. It's bang out of order most people on here are siding with him! If my OH had sneeked a look at MY phone, even digging into Whatsapp Groups I'd be shocked. i reckon he had an inkling his kids had been playing up and wanted to check the comments 😁

I've re read as much as my brain can handle at this time of night 😬. There's quite a bit happening here, beyond this one issue which is why it may be difficult for OP to genuinely own this. I absolutely still agree that this is inappropriate and hurtful.

The issue here may just be different expectations, different values. For example, some wives may discuss their sex lives on a group chat. For others it's an absolute no no disrespectful move.

I wouldn't be happy about anyone going through my phone. That still doesn't prevent OP from owning what's happened here.

For me, if I were husband , I'd see it as disrespectful to me and my children, a little embarraasing and probably giving an insight into thinking I wasn't aware my partner had.

He shouldn't be reading your phone but I can see why he's upset knowing you feel like that about his children

Thanks for your lovely reply. Yes, it is hurtful. I think I was just trying to support the OP as she was clearly unable to discuss with DH so turned to friendship group and then he sneeked a look at her phone and Whatsapp group. BTW this is why I've never joined Whatsapp lol. Always leads to trouble! You sound lovely, and defo real! I never thought I could be a step mum either! But when you meet a man with a child (in my case a widower) they come as a package! I do feel guilt every day as I feel I am stealing her mother's moments away from her and it makes me feel sick. But then I think at least it is me sharing their lives and not someone who would disregard her because I am with her dad. x

@Mumof2namechange
I didn't say there was no difference in tone between the examples - you are defending something I didn't even say. I said the "but" doesn't necessarily negate everything before it. And I stand by that. In both examples, the statements before and after the "but" can be equally true. It can absolutely be the case that OP thinks her stepkids are great kids whist also finding stepparenting hard work. The first part is not necessarily "negated" as you suggested it was. Same is it isn't in my example either. That was my point.

@Mumof2namechange
Your original comment was that OP feels contempt towards her stepkids. I pointed out she'd said they were great kids in the first part of her sentence, which doesn't sound contemptuous to me. In response you said that statement was negated was by what came after it. And I disagree and provided and example related to my own situation that shows how both parts of a sentence containing "but" can stand true. I still believe that it is possible for Op to simultaneously think her step kids are great kids, and find it hard at times to be their stepmum and also not feel the same maternal love for them that she has for her own kids. It's possible for all of that to coexist, imo.

she stands by it because she's being genuine and authentic and doesn't want to lie to her husband? Why should she lie? She feels how she feels. Again, he has the option to leave her private messages well alone if he doesn't want to be privy to her completely valid rants to her friends!

Yes there's a difference.
The birth mother says she would die for her kid, who isn't easy to get along with.
The step mum says her step kids are really good but she still struggles to love them like her own.
What is the problem? It's the legit difference between being a birth mum and being a step mum.

Thank you 👏🏻

Agree there are wildly different values. That was my point I guess when I said I'm a scientist. I write in facts and others clearly write with nuances. How we each interpret what's written depends in part on our own way of writing. Husband too has his own way of interpreting.

Bloody hell yes having step children is hard and I’d be more mad at him for not recognising that that is the case. Unless maybe this is him just realising and that really what’s bothering him